The next morning, I lay in bed thinking about Sebastian's advice. If you could call it that. It had been seven years. I was ready. But it didn't matter what I thought. I wasn't going to do anything until I had spoken to my kids.
I stood up and had a shower before dressing. I looked down, I had put my uniform on by habit, I changed and went downstairs.
"Hey kids." I said, putting the kettle on to make a coffee.
"Hi Papá." They murmured.
I sat down, nursing my coffee.
"Kids, I need to talk to you." I said, softly.
They looked up at me, and I saw the briefest hint of worry in Maddie's eyes. I wondered what she was thinking.
"I have given this a lot of thought and I think I'm ready to start dating again." I said, slowly and gently. "But I wanted to talk to you first because you need to know that you two always come first."
I watched them for their reactions, but they didn't give anything away.
"I still love your mamá. I always will." I assured them. "But I believe it's possible to love more than one person in your lifetime. I want to be happy again. But this doesn't mean I don't care about Mamá or that I don't love her anymore. She's the love of my life, and she gave me you two. She will always have a special place in my heart."
The kids were quiet and I swallowed, wondering what they were thinking but not wanting to push them on it. I needed to give them time to think about this.
"If you have any questions, please ask." I said. "I want to be honest with you two about this. And I want you to feel comfortable sharing your opinions. You come first. You always will."
"Have you met someone new?" Maddie asked.
I looked at her, directly, so she knew I was telling the truth.
"No. I wanted to talk to you guys about it before even thinking about it further." I explained. "And if I do find someone new, I will talk to you about it before doing anything else. I want you two to be involved and have a say about this."
"Will they be our new mamá?" Leo asked.
"No. Not unless you want them to be." I said. "I will never expect you to call her mamá or love her as much as you love Mamá. If you want to, then that is your choice to make."
"Do you think you'll get married again?" Maddie asked. "If you met the right person?"
"I don't know." I said truthfully. "But if I ever did consider that, I would talk to you two about it first. I would never do anything like that without involving you first."
They nodded, but they were still so quiet. I turned to Maddie, who was frowning.
"Maddie? What are you thinking?" I asked, gently.
She didn't reply for a moment and I wondered if she was remembering her mother. I wondered what she remembered.
"I think it's great, Papá." She said, slowly.
"Are you sure?"
"Sí." She whispered. "You waited a long time. You deserve to be happy."
I looked at Leo who was still frowning.
"Lee? What do you think?"
He stood up and I pulled him into my lap, brushing his curly hair from his face.
"I love Mamá." He said, popping his thumb into his mouth.
"I know you do. I would never expect you to stop loving Mamá. And I would never expect you to love anyone I date." I told him. "Your mamá is everything to me. And I know she wants us to be happy. So I will only date if it makes you happy."
He nodded.
"Will you still love Mamá if you marry someone else?" He asked.
"Of course I will." I assured.
"How?"
"Your mamá will always have a piece of my heart that is hers alone. Just like you and Maddie do." I explained. "But I believe there is room in there for someone else too."
He nodded, slowly and I gently pulled his thumb out of his mouth, kissing his forehead.
"Listen, guys. I know its going to be scary and new. It is for me too. But I think this is going to be really good for all of us." I said. "I want you to feel comfortable about this, so I am not going to rush into anything."
They nodded.
"But I will only do it if you two are comfortable with it." I said. "Take some time to think about it. There's no rush."
"What made you change your mind about dating?" Maddie said. "You told me you would never fall in love again after Mamá."
I remembered that conversation. It was after the funeral, I was tucking the kids into bed and Maddie asked me if I would ever love anyone like Mamá again.
"No. Never." I told her, pulling the covers up.
"Never?"
"Never." I promised. "Your mamá is my everything."
"I know I did." I said, gently. "I was broken and grieving. I couldn't even imagine my life without your mamá. Let alone sharing it with someone else."
"What made you change your mind?" She asked.
I considered.
"Time." I replied.
She nodded.
"When will you start dating?" Leo asked.
"When we're ready." I said. "I'm not going to do anything until we're ready."
I looked my kids in the eyes. I wondered if they knew how terrified I was. Jasmine was the only girl I had ever truly loved. She was the only one I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We had made a vow to love one another for the rest of our lives. I never thought I would ever have to spend mine without her.
And now I was moving on. But I trusted Jasmine. When I was ready, she would put the right person in my path. Until then, I just had to be patient.
~*~
I took the kids to school, wondering what I was doing.
When I was young, I had never pictured my life without Jasmine. I had never imagined she wouldn't be there to watch the kids grow up. To grow old with. I had never planned for her to just be a voice in my head.
I had certainly never imagined spending my life with someone else. I wondered what she would think about all this. I want you to be happy. Her voice rang clear in my head.
I know, Jas. I thought. All you ever wanted was for me and the kids to be happy. You were always selfless. Sweet. The gentlest soul.
I never thought I'd be left alone to make these kinds of decisions.
I squeezed Leo's hand as he went into school, looking back and waving with the same thoughtful expression he'd worn since our conversation at breakfast.
I turned to walk home and paused.
Why not go to the garden?
The garden was where I first told Jasmine I loved her. Where I eventually asked her to be my wife. It was our place. We spread some of her ashes there. I always felt closer to her there. And I needed to be close to her now.
I walked down the familiar path, I could almost feel Jasmine next to me, reaching to hold my hand but it closed on air. Sitting down next to our cherry blossom trees, I watched the world go by and imagined her next to me, sitting in silence. Not needing to say a word because we already knew what each other was thinking.
"Do you think they handled that well, amor?" I whispered. "I'm so proud of them. I think I have more doubts than they do."
Jasmine smiled in my mind. What are you doubting for, amor?
"I promised to love you for the rest of my life. I never imagined I wouldn't keep that promise."
You will. Moving on doesn't mean you stop loving.
"I don't want the kids to feel like I'm replacing you."
You will never let that happen.
"I don't even know if I'll be ready."
You'll know. When you're ready, you'll know.
You'll know.