Teegan
I don't understand - nor do I like - that it's already the end of the first week of August. When I sit down and think about it, I've been gone from Seattle for a long time. I have gotten so comfortable here that I don't find myself missing my dad or the family that I live with the majority of the year. I miss Kiara, but not as much as I thought I would. I was so set on hating it here this summer that now it feels unreal and like leaving will be way harder than I ever imagined.
Yes, I'm attached to my mom. I'm really attached to her kids. We're formed this bond this summer that I'll never forget. But I will plan video calls with them and visits. They'll grow up knowing I am their sister and that I love them. I'm not afraid to leave and go to college and worry about them.
But I've never even thought about a long distance relationship. I mean, I sort of did with Ansen. When I found out that I had to come to Avila for eight weeks, I thought - briefly - that he would want to stay together and do long distance over the summer. Of course he had other plans for us. Thinking about being in New York in a few weeks and Cohen being here practically kills me.
We've been avoiding talking about it. I mean, I have been for sure. We've been to the drive-in again. We've spend plenty of nights in his bed, making out, having sex, learning new things about each other. This is exactly how new relationships should be, but ours has a specific end date and it's easier not to talk about it. In two weeks, I'll be back on a plane to Seattle. I won't forget my time here this summer, but I have to move on. I'll suggest we keep in touch. I'll tell him we can video chat and visit each other, but I don't know what my life will be like in September. He doesn't know where he'll even be living then. Things are too up in the air to decide any of this right now.
"Teegan, you know that I..." he lets his voice trail off, but keeps his eyes on me.
We're laying in his bed in the dark, late one Tuesday night.
Once again, I know what he wants to say. He knows I don't want to hear it. This is a terrible place to be in. My heart beats for him in a way I've never realized could actually happen, but I am too stubborn to hear those three words. I love you too, Cohen. That's what I should say.
The look on my face must answer him, because he doesn't say anything else. I wish I could change our outcome, or somehow see the future so I could tell him things will be okay. But instead I just put my head down on his chest and run my hand down his stomach.
I don't want to break up with Cohen, but I have no idea what he's thinking about this. We should talk, but it will end up with me in tears. So we continue on with our days together and act like we are just a normal couple who aren't going to be ripped apart in the very near future.
It's a Monday, one week before my booked flight back to Seattle, when I finally can't take it anymore. Playing pretend has been fine because hanging out with Cohen and having him look at me the way he does is worth it. It is. But now it's all too heavy and to much for me to carry around.
We spend most of the day hanging out with the Josie because she has a cough and couldn't go to daycare. My heart swells as I watch her sit in Cohen's lap while we play board games and then watch her favourite movie, Moana. These kids aren't just attached to me, now. They are going to lose me and Cohen. Cohen is cool hanging out with a sick kid all day and that's how I know he's the best.
At 4P.M. the three of us walk down and pick up Oscar from daycare. When we get back to the house, Oscar holding Cohen's hand the entire walk, I head to the kitchen to start on dinner. I promised Josie mac and cheese and I'm just going to make a lot so mom can eat when she get's home. Once, while I'm waiting for the water to boil, I glance into the living room and see both of the kids tucked into Cohen's lap, some silly cartoon on the TV, and my heart breaks into pieces. I am going to mess up all of their lives in one week, when I get on that plane and leave this place behind. I didn't plan on any of this.
Mom gets home a little after 7P.M. and I've already given the kids baths and Cohen is reading them some books, upstairs, while I clean up the kitchen. She strolls through, her heels clicking on the floor, and stops when she's close to me.
"How was Josie today?" are her first words.
I look up at my mom and see how tired she looks, and of course her first question is how her little girl is. My mom is an amazing mother, I just didn't give her the change to show me that. She pulls out her pony tail and runs her hands through her hair, waiting.
"She was good. Still coughing, but otherwise in good spirits," I tell my mom, dropping the cloth I was using to wipe the table into the sink. "There's mac and cheese for you. The kids ate a lot, and are already done baths."
"They aren't asleep already, are they?" I can tell she's hoping they are still up, because she wants to see them.
I shake my head. "Cohen's up there, reading. I thought I'd clean up."
My mom looks at me carefully before pulling out one of the chairs and sitting down. She takes off her shoes and I rinse out the sink before turning around to face her again. The energy in the room now feels different, and I know something big is coming.
"Sit, Teeg."
I nod and step around her to pull out another chair.
I hear her sigh before she starts talking again. "Have you two talked about it, yet?"
I knew it was coming but I still don't want to do this, so I just shrug.
"Teegan." Her voice is quiet, but it feels like a warning. "Have the conversation. And don't wait much longer."
Something about the tone of her voice sets me off and suddenly I have tears in my eyes. I'm not really a cryer and now it feels like I'm weak and I hate that. She's right, of course. And that's probably why I'm so upset.
"Mom. Everything happened fast and it's not just a summer thing, and I didn't plan for any of this, and how am I supposed to just leave now that I have Cohen? And how am I supposed to leave you and those kids?" The words come out too fast and all squished together.
Tears are suddenly soaking my face and I have to take a deep breath so I can somehow calm myself. She gets up quickly and pulls me into her arms, holding me tight and shushing me and patting my head. This woman missed a lot of my life. She missed my first kiss and my first boyfriend and my first broken heart. She wasn't there when I was overwhelmed with sadness and anger. But she's here now and she's all I need.
"Honey, oh, Teegan." She's still holding me tightly against her body. "You'll be fine. And we will be, too. We're excited for you to go on your big college adventure. And we can't wait for your visits and your phone calls."
Hearing her say this makes me feel a tiny bit better, but I still can't catch my breath. "I love Cohen, Mom."
I feel her tense slightly, because I know she wasn't expecting that. But she doesn't miss a beat. "I know. And I can tell he loves you. So, knowing that, you'll have to decide what this means for you both. Together. Talk to him."
I pull away from her hug and look into her eyes. Maybe I just needed to hear her say it. Nodding, I silently agree.
A moment later we hear footsteps on the stairs and then Cohen appears in the kitchen doorway, his presence shifting the mood in the room instantly. I wipe my cheeks and look at him. He looks concerned but doesn't say anything about it.
"They are pretty much ready for bed," he tells my mom.
She smiles at him and nods. "I'll go. Thank you, Cohen. And you too, Teegan."
We both watch her cross the kitchen and leave the room, neither of us talking or looking at each other. I will not be able to have this conversation here.
"You okay?" Cohen finally asks, whispering.
I push in the chair I was sitting in and nod at him. "I guess."
He takes a big step forward. And then another.
I fall into his arms and he hugs me tightly and kisses the top of my head. A moment later I pull away and grab his hand, pulling him towards the back door.
Outside, we go down to the sand and sit near the water. It's not dark yet and there's some waves crashing at our feet. The air is warm and I'm wearing a sweater because my mom keeps the house pretty cold. Cohen squeezes my hand and looks out at the water. His dark hair is long and messy and I can see the little dimple in his chin.
"Co," I begin, and it feels like I haven't spoken in hours.
"Hmm?"
"We have to talk." I already hate the words as I say them.
Minutes or hours or weeks pass by as I wait for his answer. My heart beats fast, like it wants to escape. Maybe if it leaves my body, this won't hurt as much.
But his reply comes only after a few seconds, not minutes or hours or weeks. "Not tonight."
Relief floods through me because if he doesn't want to talk about it tonight, I get more time. More time before my world - this new life I've been able to be apart of this summer - implodes. I just kiss him when he looks down at me and hope that it won't be as catastrophic as it feels like it will be.