CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
dreamless nights
THREE WHOLE DAYS had past since Fenrir Greyback and his cronies had broken into the castle. Three mornings of James staring blankly at his eggs, three afternoons of Betty not being able to focus in class as Professor McGonagall taught them about turnings Gnomes to Lawn Gnomes and three nights of both of their sheets become tangled in their legs.
Wands were now at the ready underneath cloaks and the duels at night had become more vicious, but infrequent. The curfew became strict as students ran through the hallways to get to their common rooms before they were practically sealed shut. Professors stood in the corridors between classes—counting heads and trying to recognize everyone. And life slowly tilted and tilted back towards normal. The laughter was quieter, but it slowly came back, even if Betty's grand party was ruined. Nothing had died that day other than the small sliver of Hope she'd been clinging onto since the first headline. James's fireworks were packed away and even Peeves didn't trouble the students like he did—preferring to vex Moaning Myrtle in the quietude of her abandoned bathroom. Philippa, Cece and Aisling's glances towards Betty became nervous again.
She'd been slipping back into her normal self, but something had happened that day and they could all guess what. No one knew who was in the castle except for the professors, Betty and James, so it could've been anyone that Betty could've seen. They shook her hand to wake her up out of dazes and forced food onto her plate in the mornings, Aisling trying to airplane food into her mouth, hoping to catch a hint of a smile. They wrote their notes for her and abandoned lovers of various kinds to all sit together in the Hufflepuff common room during their study time at night while Betty read the same line over and over again in her textbook each night on one of the armchairs.
It was the early evening of the fourth day when Betty past the notice on the door of the Hufflepuff common room. In curling black font backed by a slate blue, it read: "MANDATORY DUELLING LESSONS". Under it listed the various days that each year would part take in their new tradition. Professor Birdsall was to lead with "surprise guests" and it promised an afternoon of fun and friendly competition. Betty stared at the notice, her eyes transfixed on the words as she read them over and over as her grip tightened on the strap of her book bag. Her knuckles had turned white by the time Aisling approached her.
"Hey, let's go sit down." Aisling's voice was quiet and urgent as she looked between her friend and the poster.
"Of course this is their answer to everything," Betty whispered. She tried to manage anger, but she could only seem to muster defeat as her ideals smashed under the weight of the bolded font. "Train us so we can fight their wars."
"It's not as if we weren't going to fight anyway," Aisling cooed. "I mean, they need all the help they can get."
"We deserve to have dreams too, Ashe."
Betty's words hung in the air as they looked at each other. Neither of them wanted to speak. Neither wanted to confirm or contradict. Aisling mumbled a quiet "come on" and Betty let her lead her towards the couches and arm chairs adjacent to the crackling fire. The flames were low and warm—allowing a comfortable haze to overtake the common room as the two girls sunk into the cushions, waiting for their other two friends. Cece came in first with a couple of second years, sat down and immediately started quietly working on her Potions work. Philippa was not as conspicuously as she walked in with Freddie Abbott, chatting in a low voice about the new announcement.
"I assume you've all heard." She were an unease in her voice as she approached the group. "I mean it's really good that we're learning how to defend ourselves, but did it really have to take an attack for them to start?"
"I don't think they know what they're doing," Cece mumbled. "The Death Eaters are much more powerful than I think even Dumbledore wants to admit."
"Well then it's good that we're learning how to fight," Philippa affirmed as she sunk into the armchair across from Betty and next to the couch that Cece and Aisling were on. "I've heard rumors in the Gryffindor common room about Dumbledore starting a secret society of fighters straight out of Hogwarts. No one's been approached yet, but I think we can all guess who'll be asked."
"I just wish we could find a peaceful solution to all of this," Aisling huffed as she set down her Transfiguration work. "All of this fighting just leads to more fighting."
"I agree with Ashe," Betty mumbled as the whole group snapped their eyes to her, "this war is senseless. It could've been ended months ago if we had the balls to do it."
"People have been doing the best—"
"They've been on the defensive," Betty interrupted harshly. "They watch as the Death Eaters infiltrate the government and then they talk about it. 'We do not condone their actions'. They talk and talk and talk about how bad everything is, but no one actually does anything. The reason why this war is dragging on isn't because of some mysterious strength that the Death Eaters have—they aren't gods—they're just good at planning and rallying their troops. They understand how we work and they use that to their advantage and we're so set in our ways because it's prevailed over things like this before that we let them take advantage of us while we twiddle our thumbs. Because we have to go through so many levels of approval, so many people have to say yes, before any action is taken. And then it's too late. And Hogwarts is infiltrated and the only people they can turn to are the young."
All three girls were speechless as they looked at her, eyes wide. Even though there was a buzz in the common room, they could hear a pin drop. Tears welled in Betty's eyes as she took in a sharp breath and looked down. She battled them away, cleared her throat and picked her book back up, trying to make sense of the same sentence once more. She could feel her friend's brains whirring as they processed what she'd just said. Something she would've have even thought the previous week. Not an option she could've considered. But, with the rate that the sun was moving, by the next dawn she didn't know if she would be called by the same name. Uncertainty hung in the air eerily and heavy. It dropped on all of their shoulders and into their tea and weighed them down.
"What happened . . . that day?" Cece asked quietly, almost a murmur, as she looked up carefully at Betty. "You weren't in any common room and I heard the professors talk—"
Cece cut herself off as Betty slowly closed the book. She stared at the ground, memorizing the grain of the worn wood below them. "James and I found the intruders. Tried to fight them too."
"Found?"
"Wrong place, wrong time."
Each of them swallowed the same question. The one that had been buzzing around the student body since the minute of the scream. Who was it? Who could desecrate these hallowed halls so easily? Who was it? Who was it? Who was it? They bit their tongues. She would've said a name if she'd wanted to.
They all nodded like bobbleheads and turned back to their work quietly, making small chatter and listening to the conversations around them instead. Their brains fogged—trying to reconcile the outside world with the ones that they found in their books. The logical spells that worked right if you made the right wand movements. The ingredients that blended together and created the desired potion. Quills scratched numbly on parchment and books flapped mirthlessly as their guesses of names swirled around in their brains.
Slowly, yawns tumbled from lips and Philippa was the first to pack up—her common room the farthest away. She tucked her books carefully into her book bag and hugged Aisling and Cece farewell, instead opting to kiss the top of Betty's head. Betty didn't even notice when Cece left like a willow in the wind. Her long midnight hair and obscure books gone when she looked up once, leaving Aisling carefully working on her essay.
Betty could hear the noise in the common room becoming quieter as Aisling rolled up her parchment. "We should go to bed, come on." Betty diligently packed up her books and followed Aisling's movements as she stood up and headed towards their dorm.
They were halfway up the stairs when Betty spoke: "I love you". Aisling stopped dead in her tracks and turned around. "I'm sorry". Betty's voice was barely a whisper as she looked at Aisling desperately.
She wanted Hope. She wanted to write home to her mother. She wanted her mother to be outraged and whisk her out of school and bring her home. She wanted Hope to bake her blueberry muffins and hold her as she cried every tear she fought back in their soft bargain bin pajamas. She wanted to watch the snow melt and decide to go back to school. She wanted her mum to kiss her forehead, her cheeks and her eyelashes. She wanted her mum to tell her that everything was going to be okay.
"Don't apologize." Aisling's voice was quiet as she descended a couple of steps and brought Betty into her chest. No matter how much she searched, she couldn't find Hope in Aisling's eyes. "Let's get you into bed, okay? Sleep will help." Aisling pulled away and smiled down at Betty, her eyes crinkling and genuine. Betty nodded and sniffed slightly as she followed Aisling.
She numbly went through her routine, settling on a nightgown, brushing her teeth and sinking into bed. As lights were switched out and breathing slowed, Betty's eyes searched the golden drapes for anything. Any ancient knowledge from the girls that had inhabited the bedsheets before her. She knew that if she closed her eyes, his glinting eyes would greet her and his growling voice was force her into another dream, whether she wanted to slip into one or not.
She didn't know how long she'd been fighting her falling eyelids before she decided that the warmth wasn't helping to keep her awake. She sat up, hair flying, grabbed a sweater from the top of her trunk and quietly closed the creaky dorm room door behind her. Her gut urged her forward as she shrugged her sweater on and swung open the barrel door. The cobblestone floor was cool beneath her bare feet and was a change from the wood of the Hufflepuff common room that held the warmth of fire, loyally. Her wavy hair flowed behind her as she ascended the stairs and ran quietly down the corridor. The footsteps were almost silent as she neared an exit towards the back of the school. The cool air descended upon her viciously as it bit at her cheeks and ribs, making her shiver and try to shake it off, in vain.
Her nose and cheeks cooled to a bright red as her feet touched the grass. It was wet with new dew and the loose, aged flurry that constantly threatened to fall. Her chest freed as she ran towards the Black Lake and the winter air stung her lungs. Once she was halfway through the grass, she fell to her knees and a sob threatened to cut through the night air.
She desperately wanted to scream.
She wanted everything to leave her, but tears always made her feel empty. She wanted the world to know her suffering, for once. Hadn't she had enough? She dragged herself back up, her limbs threatening to melt into the soil and merge her forever with their terrestrial existence, and let her limp arms hang and her jellied legs drag her towards the edge of the lake. She collapsed, fighting sleep, fighting tears, fighting the urge to run into the horizon and never stop.
She sat, brought her knees to her chest and laid her head on top of them, creating her own starless midnight and containing herself as much as she possibly could. Sealing herself so the dam wouldn't break and flood what was left of Hogwarts's innocence with her newfound cynicism and fury. But she felt her stone walls being pushed and the mortar between the stones cracking with age and constant pressure. She felt the cold all around her, but didn't care as it devoured her exposed legs and threatened to stab into her heart as her teeth chattered as the only defense.
She heard grass crunching behind her, but she couldn't care enough to turn around to see if it was friend or foe. She smelled his cologne before he sat down, making her bottom lip wobble and her shoulders drop. He shifted so he was right next to her, his legs pulled up and his chin placed on them, looking out at the ever-bright stars. The first sob broke free from her lips as she leaned into him. He felt her shoulders shake, making him tear his eyes away from Gemini's winking twins. His arms tumbled around her as he pulled her into him and held her tightly.
Her legs were placed over his as she buried her face in his chest and let her body shake the way Fenrir's yellow eyes glinted in the sunlight, the way he snarled at her and the way he couldn't even refer to Remus with his actual name. She felt a hand stroking her back, coaxing the tears out of her as she felt her body becoming lighter. She felt hot drops on the top of her head, making her bring her head up to face him. His face was identical to hers, making her smile miserably and remove his fogging glasses. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him into her as their bodies shook in unison. His arms gripped as much of her waist and back as he could as her fingers tangled in his hair.
Their sobs became more desperate as they grasped for air, only to be burned violently. They pulled into each other tightly as they both tried to calm their breathing down so their faces didn't go purple. Betty's nails dug into his skin, but he didn't feel it as his grip around her tightened. Both of their ragged breathing was being squeezed out by the other as they held each other. She could feel his rapid heartbeat pressed against her chest and he could feel her's as she shifted and wrapped her legs around his waist, allowing him to pull her in tighter.
She desperately wanted to scream because no one was good as James should have to meet Fenrir's malicious sickly yellow eyes.
She sobbed once more for the both of them as James squeezed her body. Her trembles turned quiet as the tears flowed once more, but her raw throat couldn't bear it anymore. Her struggled attempts to calm herself down weren't aided by James's hands rubbing her back. She shook violently once more as she felt the cold creeping back in, the heat of the moment subsiding with the color in her cheeks. She sniffed and failed to fight back a shiver as James reached behind him and enclosed them both in his thick Gryffindor red blanket. Her breathing eventually started to slow as they warmed each other. She heard him sniff as she felt the tears on her shoulder prick, meaning that they'd mostly stopped streaming down his face.
She pressed an innocent kiss to his shoulder as they stayed, unmoving, humbled by each other's violent presence. She fit her face in the crook of his neck and relished in the warmth. James held her tighter as he realized how well his arms fit around her waist. The stars turned as they stayed together. The twins frolicked in their astral garden as Aurgia commanded its celestial steeds and time, for a moment, was on Betty and James's side. It cheered from its heavenly stands and let them stay in their moment for longer than a breath. Betty didn't feel empty after her tears, she felt warm.
James's hardy grip loosened as she pulled away and faced him. A small smile upturned her lips as she wiped away some of his tears and searched the ground beside them for his glasses. She cleaned them on her floral cotton nightgown and carefully tucked them behind James's ears. He scrunched his nose as he did, but once he opened his eyes one at a time, a lopsided smile formed on his face after a sniff at his sight restored.
It was a familiar sight, the stars in Betty's eyes burned, but so did his as they very nearly supernova-ed, looking at each other in the dead of night. And he finally felt the warmth of her violent, tumbling fire. He found the warmth in its hidden chaos as he no longer observed her from afar. He no longer only saw her twinkle and glimmer, but as he ventured further into her space, he saw her vicious beauty.
"We aren't allowed to be out here." She could only manage a whisper from her sore throat. "It's not safe."
"Did you bring your wand?"
"Even if I did?"
"You're capable of much more than you'd like to believe, Betty Lupin."
The words struck her like lightning as she searched his eyes for usual doubt, but she couldn't find it. She could only find his wonder. Her words caught in her throat as they stared at each other, cheeks raw and voices torn. But she didn't have to protest more as he carefully helped her up. He removed the blanket from his shoulders and placed it around his own as they made their way back to the castle.
"James," her voice hissed at him as she shrugged it off. "You're going to freeze—"
"Rather me than you."
"We can at least share." She moved one end of the blanket to his right shoulder, the farthest away from her and one to her left shoulder. It was spread thinly and did a terrible job. He was just about to protest when she ducked under his arm so it rested around her shoulders, allowing the blanket to settle comfortably. He shifted slightly, but eventually rubbed her shoulder slightly with his thumb, making her smile slightly.
They walked together in silence until they reached the pear painting and she shed herself from the blanket's warmth, standing with her back to the painting.
"How did you know that I was there?"
"I didn't, at first." He shrugged as his glasses glinted in the shallow moonlight that dared to reach into the corridor. "But then I saw you and knew that you'd probably be at a place I'd like to be too."
"Can we do our rounds together, for now?" James looked down and nodded solemnly. "I'm sorry, that probably sounds so weird, it's just—"
"You don't have to explain, I understand."
And he did.
"Are you going to be okay going back by yourself?" The question reminded them of the memories that they'd been trying to forget, in vain.
A half smile cracked as he looked back up at her through his lashes. "I'm a big boy."
"You know what I mean." She huffed and her eyes gazed into him, making his heart skip a beat.
He nodded slowly. "I'll be fine, promise." She raised an eyebrow. "We can have breakfast together tomorrow and I'll even put that strawberry jam that you like on your toast for you, how about that?"
A smile fought to her face as she looked at him. "How did you know that I liked strawberry jam?"
"I know a lot of things about you, Betty." His voice was quiet as he looked at her. "You should try and get some sleep."
She went silent for a moment. "I can only think about—"
"Him? Me too." James's voice was remorseful. "Try not thinking about anything at all. Try letting your mind clear. Sirius told me to."
Betty nodded as she bit the inside of her lip. She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her again. "Thank you," she whispered. He nodded into her shoulder and they both relaxed into each other. She pulled away and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Goodnight, James."
"Goodnight, Betty." She then tickled the pear and the portrait swung open, allowing her access. James stayed until he caught his last glimpse of her through the slowly closing portrait as she made it to the bottom of the stairs before turning on his heel and walking the familiar path to his awaiting, dreamless sleep.