"I may have failed but I have loved you from the start."
- Fall for you, Secondhand serenade.
Chapter Twenty-Eight.
I'm not ready.
That was the only thought roaming inside of my head at that moment.
I'm not ready to face him, to talk to him, to deal with this longing sensation mixed with the pain strangling my chest.
But there he was, right in front of me, pulling me in with those haunting dark eyes. That intense gaze that could make any girl weak in the knees. Evan's attractiveness didn't only emerge from his handsome physical appearance, it also came from his attitude and personality: that cold, dazzling and mysterious aura around him was enough to lure a girl in. It was enough to lure me in from the beginning.
I had forgotten what his presence caused in me. My traitor's hormones were only dying to jump at him and kiss him passionately. I realized hormones didn't care about disappointment or lies, they just cared about the hot male specimen in front of them and how bad they wanted him close.
He had his hand inside his jeans front pockets in a casual manner. His face showed no emotion whatsoever. Was he angry? Sad? Was he having a hard time like me? I'd completely forgotten his ability to hide his feelings so well. His impassive expression told me nothing.
I opened my mouth to say something but then closed it. What was I supposed to say? What was he doing here? Should I ask? Wouldn't I sound like I'm displeased with his presence if I ask that?
I decided to wait for him to say something since he was the one to call out my name first.
Evan took a step forwards and my hormones shouted at him to come even closer.
"How are you?" he asked and moistened his lips. Subconsciously, my eyes followed the action.
I shook my head, "Good and you?" nervously, I licked my lips. His gaze landed on my mouth and a glint of longing appeared in his eyes.
Does he want to kiss me as bad as I want to kiss him?
"Not good," he sounded honest. My loving side came to the surface and I struggled not to pull him into a hug and comfort him, "Jules, I..." he trailed off, looking right into my eyes, "I miss you."
Those three words warmed my heart and I knew that was not good. Facing him would weaken my resolve because I still loved the guy. My body still yearned for him and it would be a matter of time before I succumbed to him and ended up kissing his pain away. And I couldn't do that, not when I still had wounds within me that hadn't healed. I needed time. It'd been barely two days.
Jane's face invaded my mind and that was enough to regain my courage.
"I should probably go." I forced the words out of my mouth. His impassive expression morphed into one of pure sadness, "It was nice seeing you." I said as polite as possible.
I turned on my feet and started walking away.
"Jules," He whispered behind me, "I'm not giving up on us." His voice held such determination, it made a shiver run through my spine.
I looked at him over my shoulder and gave him a genuine smile, "I know and I'm not expecting you to." And with that, I walked away from him.
Helen
"Arg! Fùck!" I punched my pillows over and over again. I couldn't believe I had done it again, "What's wrong with me?" I wondered aloud. I had no self-control whatsoever. I buried my face into my pillow and groaned. I hate him. I do. I hate him so much.
I rolled over to lie on my back and blew some strands of hair out of my face. I probably looked like a mad person and truth was, I was one. Why?
I'd just texted Jason.
And I promised Jules I wouldn't. God, I promised myself that I wouldn't.
Stupid teenage hormones making me him want so badly!
Stupid cellphone for having him on speed dial!
Stupid school for having him in all my classes!
Stupid me for not being able not to text the guy for one day.
One single day!
If I couldn't handle not texting him for one day, I was a lost cause. Maybe I needed a therapist or something. Oh cràp! I was like those obsessed chicks that ended up killing the guy and showing up in the news.
Hell no!
Get it together, girl.
It's just a guy. Just a penìs in a world filled with thousands of penises.
I pouted, "But I want him." I really needed help. I pushed and kicked all my pillows out of my bed. I gazed at the ceiling, relaxing a little.
It was Monday's night and it was past eleven. I had to sleep because I had school the next day but I couldn't sleep. Why was I like this anyway? Maybe I was desperate for love, for acceptance after what happened with my parents.
My phone beeped, announcing a new text message.
I sat up, and picked up my phone from the night table as fast as I could. I had texted him: Hi. So his reply wasn't probably going to be a big deal.
Him: What's up?
Alright, that was colder than expected. That's not how you texted a girl you banged a day ago. I pursed my lips and texted him back.
Me: All good, you?
Him: Same.
Me: What are you doing?
Him: Just chilling. Wbu?
Me: Just thinking about you.
Him: Hmmm okay.
His curt replies hurt. A lot. It was like there was a big distance between the two of us now. I placed my phone back on the night table. What was I expecting? Disappointment filled my chest and my poor heart took another blow. How long was I going to endure this? It was too much.
If I knew falling in love was going to be this painful, I wouldn't have fallen for him at all.
Well, it wasn't like I decided to fall for him, it just happened. That's the thing about love, it just kind of happens. No warnings, no heads ups, it just happens. You don't even realize you're falling in love until it's too late, until love is already intoxicating every single part of you like a crawling tattoo all over your skin.
Falling for him was my mistake. We had an agreement. It was just sèx. He was clear with me from the start. It was me who began complicating things. It was me who told him to start a relationship. Always me. So if I was suffering, it was my fault, not his. He had ridden himself of all responsibility when he spoke clearly with me about his intentions. Still, it hurt so much it was almost unbearable.
"You know exactly what you have to do, you just don't have the courage to do it."
Jules' words echoed in my head. I knew what I had to do.
I had to let him go.
I grabbed my phone and quickly looked for his contact information. I deleted him from everywhere: Facebook, twitter and his number. Tears swam down my cheeks while I did it. I deleted all our pictures, all those screenshots I took from our conversations.
I deleted everything.
I deleted him from my life and it was for my own sake.
I sobbed as I deleted the remaining picture together that was taken so long ago. We were in his room, I was wearing his shirt and he was shirtless, hugging me from behind. We had the most obvious sèx hair of all times and we were laughing. We looked genuinely happy.
What happened to us?
I deleted the picture and put my phone away from me. I looked around my pink room. It looked so lonely, so empty.
I'm alone.
I thought, realizing I didn't have a close friend to share this pain with. That made the tears come faster. I didn't know why whenever I was sad, it made me think of my parents. It was like my brain jumped back in time when it felt sad. Maybe the tragic and painful moments of my life would always had a connection.
The image of my dad aiming the gun to me made me close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Don't think about it. Deep breaths. Now, it's not the time. Deep breaths. You have enough pain to deal with right now.
I picked one of my pillows from the floor and sat on my bed. I lied on my side, hugging the pillow to my chest and crying into it as I stared at the window. I heard my bedroom door being opened and then closed. I stopped crying.
Silence.
There were steps and then a shadow blocking the window. The bed sank next to me. The smell of fresh soap reached my nose. He lied on his side, right in front of me. We faced each other.
Evan reached for my hand and held it tightly, "I'm here. You're not alone."
Those words filled my eyes with more tears, I started sobbing again, "How did you know?"
"I just knew." He whispered, giving me sad smile.
His presence alone made feel safe, just like when we were kids and I was afraid of thunderstorms. I used to jump in his bed and sleep with him, "Why do we always end up destroying everything we love?"
He caressed my cheek tenderly, "I guess we had a rough start." His dark eyes held so much pain, it made my heart clench even more in my chest.
"I feel like love is not something I'm allowed to enjoy, like I don't deserve it." I spoke through sobs.
Evan shook his head, "Don't say that. You deserve love as much as any other person in this world." He wiped my tears with his thumb, "Don't cry. It pains me to see you cry."
"I just..." my voice broke, "I just want to be happy."
"You will be. I promise and I'm always going to be there for you. Always, Helly."
I chuckled through my tears, "It's been years since the last time you called me that."
"Has it?" he smiled at me, "It pissed you off so much. It was fun."
I whacked his shoulder, "Because it was a terrible nickname. It sounds like I came from hell or something like that."
"What was it what you called me when you were angry?" he pretended to think hard.
"Evana." I remembered, snickering. It felt so good to laugh after crying.
Evan grimaced, "That's truly a terrible nickname. I'm not a girl."
I giggled, "We both knew that and it still made you furious." My eyes felt swollen and I yawned.
"You should sleep. You have school tomorrow." He said in his big brother tone as he pulled the covers above us.
"Are you okay?" I had to ask.
He faintly nodded, "Sort of but don't worry about me."
"Did you see her today at school?" I didn't need to say her name. He knew I was talking about Jules.
"Yeah."
"Did you guys talk?" I pressed.
"Not really. We just greeted each other and she walked away." I could see the pain on his expression as he remembered.
"Hey," I touched his cheek gently, "Everything is going to be okay. You guys love each other. You'll get through this. Have faith in your love."
"Seeing her walk away from me..." he winced at the memory, "pained me. What if she can't forgive me? I've hurt her so many times. It's a miracle she doesn't hate me." He lowered his gaze.
I hated seeing him hurt, "She will never hate you, Evan. She loves you, she still does. You just have to be a little patient for her."
"I'm trying but God, I miss her so much," he admitted, lifting his gaze to me, "And I'm so scared of losing her."
"At the beginning, she endured a lot of pain, didn't she?" I hated to remind him of that but I had to, to make my point, "But she never gave up on you." I looked right into my brother's eyes, "Now it's your turn not to give up on her. Give her time. I truly believe your love is the real thing so you'll be okay." I closed my eyes.
"The real thing," Evan whispered softly, "Yeah, she and I are definitely the real thing."
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A/N:Yoho! Another update! I am on fire! –lights a candle next to her laptop- Well, that's as much fire as I can get in my house without my mother freaking out. Anyways, those who followed me on twitter (Arix05) because of the promise of Evan's naked photos: Shame on you! Naughty girls! Still, follow me so we can have some fun there, chatting and tweeting because we're cool like that. AND I'm going to have an #AskArix on twitter today you guys can shoot all those questions you've hiding behind those angelic faces of yours! (Also, if you had me on my old facebook "Coldlady on Wattpad" you have to add me on my personal one (Ariana Godoy, I have a green top on on the dp) because I'm going to delete that coldlady facebook and just keep one.
I know most of this chapter was in Helen's point of view but come on, the girl needed a moment after all she's going through and you got to see Evan from her POV. Thoughts on Helen and Jason?
–yawns and stretches-Oh cràp! The candle fell. May day! May day! Wait, that's not what you say in case of fire, is it? Either way, it's alright. It's not like a small candle can cause a-Oh no! it caught a duvet! My favorite duvet is on fire!–little brother walks in and I look at him seriously gesturing the duvet- If we burn, you burn with us!–brother shakes his head and simply walks away-
Haha! Totally joking, by the way. My duvets and me are perfectly fine, thank you. If you didn't get the hunger games reference, well, you just didn't, lol.
Helen punched pillows, Evan's broken heart and yellow strawberries,
Ariana.