Day 6: Happiness/Experiment
The law of nature is simple; happiness in the Tower is a curse.
In reality, the previous statement is objectively incorrect from start to finish. The laws of nature are never simple and this particular one is, by definition, connected more to humans than nature. Secondly, happiness, itself, isn't a curse–such a bold word–but simply its loyal companion. What one could describe as a curse, however, was love. And where love went, happiness followed and disaster struck; a sadistic mechanism to assist the process of natural selection.
Although many would call it 'the flower disease', the wording couldn't be more wrong. The flowers came out every time one would feel a strong sense of love for another being‐regardless of whether that love was requited, platonic or for someone who was no longer alive–so calling them a disease would be like branding a stomach's rumbling when hungry as something unnatural. Yes, coughing up flowers was a normal reaction, painless too, but it still carried some stigma.
Never coughing any was considered inhuman–even the Heads of the Families used to cough them–while coughing too many did not only take a toll on one's health but was also a clear sign of weakness. After all, the flowers would never kill you but coughing too many could lead in a very small oxygen reduction.
.
Aguero knew that the flowers were a bad omen. A sign of weakness. Kiseia had been a clear example of this. Not smart enough, not strong enough. When her mother had died, Kiseia had wept when she found out, the flowers spilling from her mouth like water, mixed with violent coughs, and had knelt in front of the corpse, her knees too weak to carry her. Agnis had taken one brief look at her before deciding she wasn't caught out for anything else than being a pawn.
Aguero had never seen her cough again after that except for when his sister asked the younger Khun to help her become a Princess. Kiseia had vowed to do whatever it took to help earning approving smiles from both Agnis and her daughter. Then, after they had left, Aguero had seen her spill flowers once more. She hadn't noticed him at first and when she did, she had looked ashamed. If Kiseia, who never held her tongue and who would rather eat all of her knives than agree with Aguero, had looked at him with shame because of her flowers, then they could only be a weakness.
Maria had managed to both validate and change that sentiment. She coughed freely, proudly even, and most of the Khuns found her weak for it. "How sad is it that we've taken something so beautiful and managed to villainize it?", she had asked him after coughing a purple lilac, "Look at it. How could it ever be bad?"
Aguero had to agree. Maria had a gift of not only finding beauty in things but also in helping others see it as well. He inspected the flower, it was small enough to fit in his palm, and a small smile appeared on his face. Familial love. Aguero never had someone coughing up flowers for him.
"I," he began but found the rest of the words hollow. He had felt his heart beat at the flower, he had been sure he would cough up a flower as well–he refused to believe he had coughed flowers for his mother and sister but couldn't for Maria–but it never came. "I'm sorry."
"Oh," Maria leaned closer and ruffled his hair, "it's not that simple, Aguero. The flowers are just a sign of a very strong love," she paused, uncertain of how to properly convey her thoughts, "their absence doesn't mean there isn't love. Just that it needs a little time to grow."
A kind way to tell him that she loves him more. Somehow, when they reach an end, when she is given the Jahad name and all that's left for Aguero is a dead sister and lilies her words seem fake.
.
Bam coughs up flowers three seconds after meeting him. Aguero offers to help him climb and the boy coughs hydrangea. He wonders if it's even possible for someone to love so strongly, so fast. It probably isn't, he concludes by the end of the day, the 25th Bam is just that extraordinary.
.
"Doesn't it exhaust you?"–Bam hums– "Coughing all the time?"
"No. Why would it?" Bam asked and the confusion on his face seemed genuine. Truly, Aguero hadn't seen the coughing fits cause the boy any trouble. "Even if it did, I still wouldn't mind. It's a beautiful way to show people you love them." More flowers spill from his mouth, big and small, all a different kind, probably because Bam had thought of all the people he loved.
A part of him felt a weird satisfaction watching the boy cough up more flowers other than purple lilacs. Rachel, the girl Bam chased, the one that was lying to him, didn't deserve to hold all of Bam's heart. The gator had been a better friend than her and he had tried ro kill Bam upon meeting him.
Bam bent down and picked a sunflower with big yellow petals. It's size would have made it hard to come out. Bam smiled and handed it to him. "See?" He asks, giving Aguero a flower and receiving a heart, "Beautiful".
His smile, Aguero decides later at night, at the comfort of his bed, is brighter than the sun. He coughs up a sunflower as well.
.
When Bam dies, everyone coughs up different flowers. The fact that everyone had felt so strongly about Bam even if they knew him for a small time was as extraordinary as the boy himself. Aguero had briefly thought about acting as if he didn't care. "It's a shame he had to die like this," he begins because everyone has shown their weaknesses and Aguero refuses to do the same mistakes as in the past. "I wish--" he doesn't get to finish his sentence as he chokes on petals. The flowers spill violently from his throat and Aguero aches in every part of his body.
No one calls him out for trying to lie but they all look at him with pity. Whether it's because they feel sorry for him for feeling the need to lie or because of how much his love truly is, he doesn't know. Just like he doesn't know which of the two he prefers.
In the end, it doesn't matter. Aguero is once again left alone with more enemies than friends, bloody flowers filling up his throat and a part of his soul dead.
.
"What would your family think of me?" He asks Ran on a cold night. The team, his team–though the title provided him no happiness or comfort–, had passed another test and had spent most of the day celebrating. They deserved it, of course, Aguero knew they had worked hard for it, but seeing Rachel that happy twisted his gut. He hadn't shown it. He couldn't. He had simply hugged her for congratulations, making friends with the enemy was all a Khun knew, and had barely managed to keep white orchids from leaving his mouth. Only Ran had seen his discomfort.
"I've never seen either of them cough," Ran tells him, "I'm not sure they can," it's impossible, of course, no matter the two women's cold nature, everyone experiences the flowers. He made a long pause, pondering this next words. "Their opinion has never mattered to me."
Aguero laughed. "That's a good thing, then." His smile dropped, his eyes left Ran and focused on the horizon, "My mother wouldn't approve either. It's one thing to love, to fight relentlessly for a love that's bigger than yourself," to become a pawn, he thought to himself, much like Kiseia had, "and another to only love what's dead."
Ran doesn't speak for a while but he feels his brother's stare. Then, after what seems like forever, Ran speaks. "Tell me about him."
.
Aguero tunes out everything the rabbit girl seems to be saying, his eyes fixed on Ran and Novick. There is a flower threatening to come out from his throat at the thought that they're okay and it's all Aguero can focus on. The Slayer Candidate's threats bring him back to reality. He manages to withhold the flowers.
"Your speech really brought me to tears," he tells him smugly.
And the Slayer falls to the ground as he starts coughing out a vibrant red shade of blood.
.
There is a secret procedure that all Family Heads had gone through. A way to stop the flowers from growing like pouring chlorine down your throat. All weaknesses die with the flowers and therefore the warriors have a big advantage over those who might oppose them.
"FUG only had experiments," Bam tells him on the first night after their reunion. Rak is sleeping peacefully beside them, content at having both of his turtles back. "One of them worked but sometimes I will cough up blood."
"Does it hurt you?" Aguero asks even if he knows the answer. He wonders if he's a secret mazochist, if there's a part of him that draws satisfaction for knowing that if he hadn't been the failure his sister had accused him of being, Bam wouldn't have gone through any of these.
"No, not really." He whispers with a soft smile on his lips. They both know it's a lie.
.
He's bound to notice eventually. Or maybe he knew from the beginning and just chose not to speak about it. Aguero would have preferred the first option; obliviousness. The camellias had piled up once again inside his throat and no matter how hard Aguero tried to get them all out, new ones kept blooming.
"Don't look at me like that," he told Rak, hand still clenching his stomach. The gator helped him regain his balance, holding him steady when the coughs would become too violent, and said nothing.
.
Bam only speaks of it after his coma. Whether it's because he finally noticed or if someone told him, Aguero doesn't know. Not that it matters. Not that it would make a difference.
Bam touches the petals of the red camellia with incredible tenderness yet his expression betrays nothing of his thoughts. There are smudges of blood on the petals–much like most of the flowers Aguero coughs for him–but he finds his throat to sore to defend himself.
"It's not supposed to hurt," He mumbles and Aguero wants to laugh for a number of reasons. How incredibly naive, how very Bam, is it to believe that love could be anything painless. Happiness, suffering, Aguero had understood their connection, their intertwinement, long before the flowers red camellias had taken root.
"It doesn't hurt."
"You're bleeding."
"Yes, for you." The conversation was bound to happen, no point in trying to conceal his feelings. Not when he's openly bleeding and the flowers can't stop pouring every time Bam's in his orbit. "It would be the same, flowers or not flowers."
For him, at least, the pain would remain the same. The only thing the flowers did was make his pain known, public for the world to see. Bam turned to look at him, his eyes shining like gold, Aguero had never seen Bam as FUG'S God but at that moment he did look like something taken from religion. "Can't you stop it?", his voice sounds broken, as if the flowers are hurting him as well.
The smile on Aguero's lips doesn't falter. He couldn't dream of letting the flowers wither. "Not even if you died." And it's true because the flowers hadn't stopped when Bam was presumed dead and they hadn't become rarer ever since he woke up from the coma.
Bam looks devastated upon hearing him, even if he most likely already knew the answer. He walked closer to Aguero, his steps getting heavier, and placed a hand on his cheek. Aguero could feel the flowers threatening to come out but before he could take a step back, Bam leaned in and kissed him.
The flowers bloom inside his chest but remain inside his lungs. It's a bit painful, like a huge weight on top of him, but Aguero is so caught up in the moment, he can't bring himself to care. He pulls away to catch his breath and watches Bam's tearful eyes staring at him, his hand having now left his cheek and moved to his head so their foreheads would remain close. Had it not been for the flowers, Aguero would have run out of oxygen.
"I'm sorry," Bam whispered, more tears streaming down his face. "I can't," he choked out, "not anymore."
Perhaps he's right. Maybe if FUG hadn't taken a hold of him, if they hadn't destroyed his heart, Bam could have loved him. Or maybe he was just feeling guilty over Aguero's situation and only tried to provide cheap comfort. Not that it matters, they will never know, nor would it have made a difference.
"It's okay."
"It isn't." he paused, voice unsteady, "I love you." and it isn't enough is left unsaid. Of course Bam would feel bad about this, as if he's to blame for Aguero's weakness.
"The flowers are my own burden," he says, "You could love me, hate me, feel nothing at all, and they would remain."
Bam kisses him again. It should be empty and hollow, the desperate attempt of a boy who thinks he's responsible for other people's happiness. Instead it's a breath of fresh air, flowers aside, as Bam officially makes a home inside his bones.
.
Aguero's happiness doesn't last long. Like most things, the moment he grasps it, it slips away from his hand. The thing he has with Bam isn't a relationship, it's a charity that Aguero is too selfish to give up. At least this is what it was supposed to be.
"Fine," Aguero sighed, "I will train with the bastard." Bam smiled widely at the response, as if he didn't know that he could make him do anything he wanted with a single smile, before coughing up some blood.
Eduan, no not him, his Data version raised an eyebrow at them. "You don't cough up flowers." He told Bam.
"You're not special it seems," Aguero noted. His father took no offense at the comment, his eyes continuing to study Bam.
"What have they done to you, son of V?" He continued, "Or have you always been like that?"
"It was a surgery similar to yours." Bam replied, "They put a metallic--"
Eduan raised his hand to stop him from talking and let out a bitter laugh. "They put a ring on you, how utterly foolish." He sat back on his throne, his eyes still glinting, "They're killing you, kid. That's what your little surgery is all about."
Rak stiffened beside them. Aguero had forgotten to breathe and Bam stood quietly in the middle. Eduan continued, "The ring doesn't kill your flowers, it just changes their direction. Instead of them piling up until they exit your throat, they keep on blooming downwards. The blood," he paused, "is from your organs that are slowly getting destroyed."
"How do you know that?"
"We had tried it as well, of course. Until we figured it out," Eduan's smile reminded him of his actual father. The years may pass but at his core Khun Eduan would always be a bastard. "the flowers can't be killed by force."
.
Three truths are uncovered.
Number one, the secret surgery the Family Heads had undergone was fake. They had tried, of course, to make the flowers go away with painful and cruel ways but in the end they always returned. However, the years had done what experiments could never. Their love had gone stale and rare, making the flowers almost disappear. Data Eduan theorized that, at least himself and a few others, might had gotten ridden of the flowers entirely.
Number two, Bam was dying. How ironic that FUG had mortally wounded its God in an attempt to make him holier. However, not all hope was lost, there was a way to stop any further damage.
Which brought them to number three; happiness wasn't something Khun Aguero Agnis deserved.
.
"I don't know if I can do it." It's the third time Bam says it but the first he does it when they're alone. He thinks he has every right to be skeptical about it. He had spent so long thinking FUG had taken away his inability to truly love only for it to be false. Only for his salvation to come by losing his ability to love altogether.
"I know it's hard," he reached for his hand, "but it's the only way."
"Things will change. I will," he stopped himself you, "I don't want to stop loving you. Or Rak. Or anyone. I don't want to be like them."
"You could never be like them," Aguero reassures him, "everyone knows that and I," –Bam held on to Aguero's hand, bringing them close to his mouth, holding him as if he would slip away– "I have enough love for the both of us."
.
Still, words are just words and nothing can truly stay the same after. It must be harder for Bam, he thinks, because he keeps looking for a feeling he can no longer have. He laughs with them, hugs them, smiles at them, and it all feels fake. Lacking. They don't stop what they have–never a relationship, always a charity case–but it's suddenly painful for them both. Aguero is in love, will continue being in love, and Bam holds him like he could be too. It's a lie they both know. It's a lie that destroys them in a more painful way than flowers ever could do.
Yet Aguero remains. There is nowhere else to go.
.
Things change again on the Khun Eduan's Floor.
.
Bam insists they stay on Eduan's Floor for a while. It's surprisingly not as threatening as they had expected. Mostly because they had managed to keep a low profile. Still, Aguero had to be prepared for the worst. The worst, he would find, had nothing to do with the Tests and everything with the family name.
.
Aguero meets up with Kiseia outside the hotel the team is staying at. It's a public space whose most corners he knows by heart and can assist him in any of his seven escape plans. If things go south, something he hopes won't happen, Bam can always wreck everything.
"Long time no see," he tells her, keeping his expression neutral. Kiseia looks at him exactly like he expected her to; with murder in her eyes. She's grown taller and her bangs are longer than the data enemy he had encountered. There's a small discomfort on his lungs and before he knows it a small red carnation escapes from his mouth and Kiseia has lunged an attack.
Wait no–
"You're hugging me," he told her. Kiseia said nothing, just continued holding on to him. After a while, he returned the hug with uncertainty.
"How stupid you are," she mumbled but didn't let go, "going around coughing up flowers."
Yes, Aguero thought, how stupid.
.
He returns home two hours later, feeling lighter than before and with three new plans in case anything went wrong. After all, in a place filled with Khun Eduan's children it was best to have some allies. Although Kiseia wasn't an ally with the proper meaning of the word but rather someone who wouldn't want the Agnis reputation to crumble any further.
"You're back." It isn't particularly late but Bam looks sleep deprived. His eyes are red and tired. Aguero also feels tired like all the exhaustion from the past years has come to claim its price. Bam's gaze softens and there's something painfully familiar in it. "I was worried."
"There was no reason for you to worry. I had everything planned." He reassured him.
Bam hummed in response, "I wondered what would have happened if she killed you," the 'like her Data self had' went unsaid, "if I could bear it."
"I'm your best friend," Aguero provides, the title sitting heavy between them for this was the only thing it was; a title, "you would miss me terribly."
The answer hurts them both. It seems to be the only thing Aguero does these days. Still, Bam approaches him with uncertainty, taking both of his hands into his as he motions for them to sit down. "I don't think the surgery works," Aguero opens his mouth to protest but Bam doesn't let him, "I think about you all the time, I love you and," he gave a small shake of his head, "it's not some idea or memory it's just you. I need you to believe me th--" a coughing sound interrupts them.
Aguero takes the ambrosia flower in his hand. It's the first time he's coughing up a flower like that. He lifts his gaze and sees Bam holding something in his own hand; an anemone. Beautiful and big. Aguero carefully takes it in his hands.
"How?"
"I've been told I'm a God."
Aguero laughs before kissing him. It's the same as always; full of happiness and love.
Notes:
Now *this* fic I dig. It was very fun to write even if I was incredibly stressed over making it in time.
-this is a Hanahaki AU but it's also,,, not. The main idea 'love that overflows' is there but I just thought it would be a more interested dynamic if the type of love didn't matter. After all, in a place like the Tower, a scenario like this would do wonders.
-Purple lilacs: the first emotions of love, spirituality, youth, innocence
-Hydrangea: togetherness, unity, gratitude, grace, beauty
-Sunflower: loyalty, adoration, unconditional love
-White orchids: faith, loneliness, often used in funerals
-Camellias: White camellias symbolize adoration and is given to someone who is well-liked. Pink camellias symbolize a longing for someone and is given to someone who is missed. Red camellias symbolize love, passion, and deep desire.
-Red carnation: admiration, affection, friendship
-Ambrosia: love, devotion, reciprocated love
-Anemone: untouchable everlasting love
-Originally this was a bigger one shot that even had a Maria reappearance but I couldn't do 'cruel' Maria so I scratched it. Still, I think it turned out fine.