Alexa and Hayden have offered to help me with target practice, in order to successfully make my first hunt. I don't have the guts to call it a kill—it almost sounds too cruel. Regardless, it's a distraction from my encounter with Will this morning. The nervous feeling keeps coming back just thinking about it. I still don't know where that comes from.
I've been watching Hayden and Alexa take turns shooting arrows at the small targets against trees. They each have very good aim.
"Is there any trick to this?", I ask.
"Sometimes, you just have to do it without even thinking about it," replies Alexa, without even looking my way. She lets an arrow loose, having it land almost perfectly. Hayden smiles cockily.
"Well, maybe if you think about it, you'll actually hit it on point," he jokes, before firing one. It lands close to the center, but is slightly off.
"Oh yeah, like you did?", asks Alexa sarcastically. Hayden makes a face at her, prompting her to laugh at him.
"Well, the reality of it is that you're not going to hit it every single time. It's not like Will is a professional hitman either."
"Can I try?", I ask.
"Yeah, sure. Here," says Alexa, handing me a bow. Hayden walks over to the tree and pulls the arrows out of the target, before standing out of the way.
"I've never seen you shoot, so I don't trust you not to hit me," jokes Hayden. I roll my eyes and try to set up the arrow.
"Here," says Alexa, walking towards me. She holds the arrow in my hand. "You need to put it in the bow like this." She draws my hand back as it dependently clasps the arrow between my fingers. "There you go." I squint my eyes, in an attempt to see my target more clearly.
I fire my first shot, as it flies straight past the target, landing into the distant ground with a crack. A disappointment begins to form in the pit of my stomach. My chances of this working may not be great. This definitely isn't as easy as I had imagined it would be. I sigh as I go to fetch my arrow.
"Look, I can probably hit it better. I've just....never done this before," I say sheepishly. Alexa looks as though she's subtly trying to contain a smile.
"It's fine, you just need more practice," notes Hayden. "Try it again." Taking a deep breath, I draw the bow once more and ready my stance.
I take about twenty shots, each time varying in success. Some arrows fly way past the target, with others hitting the edge of it. None hit the center. My hopes of doing well at this diminish with each shot, where the target feels completely out of reach. Acceptance has never come easily for me, and this is feeling the same way.
After firing yet another failed arrow, I run to get it, feeling flushed with humiliation. As I bend down to pick up the arrow, I notice Chuck approaching me from the corner of my eye.
"Hey, what are you doing? Target practice?", he asks.
"If you can call it that," I reply sombrely. Chuck smiles sympathetically.
"Don't worry, you'll get it eventually. Do you want me to show you?"
"Sure," I reply, not seeing how much of a difference that will make.
"Okay, come on."
Chuck and I walk back to where I am standing, meeting up with Hayden and Alexa.
"Oh look," states Alexa. "Here comes the show-off." Chuck rolls his eyes.
"I'm just trying to help Candice," he replies. He takes a bow from Hayden's hand and readies it. Changing his stance, he looks at Alexa as he fires it. The arrow hits dead centre on the target. Still without ever facing the target, Chuck smiles cockily at Alexa. She rolls her eyes in turn.
"How-how did you do that?", I ask, amazed. "You didn't even look!" He smiles, pleased with himself.
"Practice," he replies. Alexa hits his arm.
"Don't be smug," she says. "He's a born natural," she tells me.
"No seriously, he's the best at it. I don't say that lightly either," mentions Hayden. Chuck crosses his arms proudly.
"I really don't know where it comes from," states Chuck.
"Well, now I have a high standard to live up to," I say nervously. "I need some strategy. What do the rest of you do, who aren't natural archery prodigies?", I ask smugly, staring down Chuck.
"If you really can't get it from simply aiming, I know a different approach that you can take," says Hayden.
"What's that?", I ask.
"Anger."
"Anger? How's that going to help me?"
"You need to imagine your target as something you hate," he says. "You ran away just like the rest of us. There's got to be something—or someone—that you'd like to pass an arrow through," he smirks. "Think about it for a minute."
I lower my bow and begin to ponder. It certainly wouldn't hurt to try. What could possibly anger me the most? Almost immediately after asking myself that question, Jessica comes to mind. I reflect on the tears I shed when she abandoned me, with the broken promise of a better future weighing me down and disappointing me. The anger for her starts small inside me, but quickly begins to build once again. I purse my lips, slightly biting them from the inside.
"Give me an arrow," I say, immediately noticing a change in my tone of voice. It stuns even myself. Chuck hands me an arrow and everyone steps away. Hayden plucks away the arrow from the target.
I begin to picture Jessica's face on that target. I see her blonde hair, with her cheery eyes and her smile, that you could swear was stitched on her. I scowl at the target as I draw back an arrow. The tension in the bow is a good resistance against my building rage. I quickly release the arrow.
Sure enough, it hits dead centre this time.
I gasp quietly at myself, stunned at what I just did. I feel a smile form on my face uncontrollably.
"I did it!", I exclaim. "I did it! It worked!"
"What did I tell you? I knew it would!", grins Hayden. I walk over to the target to collect my arrow, feeling happy that this time, I have somewhere to take it out of.
I try it several more times, hitting the target each time, while hitting the centre most of the time. I can't help but smile each time.
"Keep practicing, and pretty soon you'll be hunting for us all the time," says Alexa, walking away with the others.
My smile fades as I remember why I'm even doing this. I let my anger be the reason for my success. Surprisingly, it doesn't feel good. I look around for a moment, to see Will looking my way. Our eyes meet for a brief moment, before I move them away. I notice in the corner of my eye that he does the same. Sighing, I take another shot, trying not to imagine Jessica as my target. I need to do this with a clear mind.
Taking a deep breath, I fire one last shot towards the target. It still hits. I sigh with relief. Maybe I don't need to rely on that after all.
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Despite having hit the target using Hayden's strategy, I can't help but dwell on its effectiveness. However, a thought keeps nagging at me. I wonder how effective the anger strategy will help me with actually hunting something. If so, is this how everyone lives out here? Does their rage of the past fuel them?
If so, is that how I want to live?
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As I wake up again, I notice that it's hotter than usual. My watch reads 9:07 in the morning. The windows around the house are open, with some light breeze seeping through. As I sit up, the couch feels sticky. What I wouldn't give to be able to swim right now.
I stand up and make my way to the window. The heat becomes more profound, as it makes its way to my face. I then hear a splash. It must be coming from the waterfall. As I open the door slightly and peer my head from it, I see Will in the water. He's risen up from underwater and is splashing water on his face, shirtless.
My face flushes, for some strange reason, as I'm compelled to look away. After a moment, I look back out my window to see Will again. I watch as he swims around for a minute, with his hair dripping. My eyes don't move for several minutes, as I get lost in my own head.
I then hear a noise coming from one of the bedrooms, prompting me to run away from the window and jump back on the couch. I don't know how I'd be able to explain to someone what I was doing there, let alone figure it out myself.
As I hear footsteps coming through the room, I pretend to be asleep. Chatter starts throughout the room.
"We gotta swim today. It's roasting in here!", exclaims Chuck.
"I think Will's already out there," states Evie. "Let's join him." I make the effort to remain still. My plan works until I'm tapped to be woken up. Opening my eyes slowly, as if I were waking up just now. It's Alexa.
"Are you coming?", she asks. "We're going swimming."
"Uhhh....sure," I reply. I haven't swam in years. It was certainly never enjoyable, since I learned by being tossed roughly in my grandmother's pool by my father. I get up awkwardly and walk outside with her. "Just so you know, I have nothing to swim....." I'm cut off mid-sentence. Everyone else starts taking off their clothes and going in their underwear.
I don't move for a moment, almost feeling as though my muscles are frozen.
"Come on, Candice!", exclaims Evie. "Don't worry, it's not that deep!" There's no point in fighting it. I might as well swim.
I slowly remove my clothes and enter the water in my bra and underwear, as have Alexa and Evie. As I slip in the water, it feels cold, but it refreshes my boiling skin. I ignore the sensation of the wet mud at my feet, as I make an effort to tread water, keeping them off the bottom of the water.
Now that I'm in it, I can take a moment to observe this pond. The flowing water in and out of it must keep it fresh. It's beautiful. I'm so preoccupied by it that I hardly notice what's happening in it––that is, until a wave of water hits me. Hayden has splashed me. With all my might, I send a wave back.
A war of splashing and shoving begins among us, with Hayden occasionally lifting Evie and throwing her into the water. Chuck sends a wave my way. I pick myself up and happily shove one back. He coughs aggressively, spluttering. I think he must've swallowed some, causing me to feel slightly guilty. However, as soon as he catches his breath, he starts to laugh again.
I find myself lost in it all, talking and laughing, while gasping for air in the best way possible amongst the waves. I then notice Will at the top of the cliff, standing over us.
"What are you doing?", I ask.
"I'm gonna jump!", he replies, smiling down on me. "It's deep enough, now move!" I'm stunned, as I quickly swim out of the way, unable to take my eyes off him. He then does a cannonball off of the rock, landing in the deeper part of the pond. As he rises up, he bursts through the waves, as everyone cheers. He smiles at me, as our eyes briefly meet. I smile back before turning away.
Everyone else takes turns jumping off the cliff over the next little while, with each of them followed by cheering.
"Candice, you should do it!", says Hayden. Oh no. Why me?
"Yeah, do it!", says Alexa. My stomach drops as I contemplate that. The cliff may be no more than ten feet high, but it still terrifies me. Then again, if I want these kids to like me, I should do it.
"Okay....sure," I reply nervously. I hop out of the water, dripping as I walk slowly up the hill. When I reach the top, I hear cheering, with Will and Chuck wooing at me.
The cliff looks much higher now, especially when you're planning to jump off it. It feels much lower and safer when all you need to focus on is the rising sun in front of you.
"You've got this!", says Evie. Taking a deep breath, I take another step closer.
"You can do this, Candice. You can do this," I tell myself quietly. I shake my hands as I prepare myself.
With a mighty leap, I run off the cliff, plunging underwater.
As soon as I land, I hear the muffled sounds of everyone around me. As the white, foamy bubbles clear away, I begin to swim to the surface, only this time, I see more than just the sky.
I'm brought back to a memory of my grandmother's pool, where I can see her deck umbrella through the ripples of the waves. No, I'm seeing things. This isn't real. I then see a man approach the edge of the water. It's my father. He's reaching out to grab me with his hand, as I see it breach the surface. Panicked, I squint my eyes and shake my head, pushing myself quickly to the top.
I gasp for air as I reach the surface, as my hearing returns to normal and I can hear the applause of everyone in the group. I open my eyes again, relieved to see that I'm back where I'm supposed to be. I notice the smiling faces of everyone in the group, as it brings me back. I sigh in relief.
"That was amazing!", I exclaim, recalling the thrill of the jump. "I wish I could feel this all the time!" As that last sentence escapes from my lips, I remember something else from my childhood. I've heard those same words from my mother, in the early days of her drug use. I wish I could feel this all the time. Lucky for her, her wish came true. I grow sad thinking about it, before making a decision. I am no longer going to let my parents control my happiness. I soak my head under the chilly water, blowing bubbles as if it were to clear my head. As I rise up again, the thoughts are gone and I can enjoy myself again.
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We spent most of the day in that pond, simply enjoying our freedom and letting ourselves be kids. It was only a few short moments where I'd remember that my place here was not permanent yet, that I still had to earn it. However, the feeling that I belong here persists within me, which is something that I can't remember the last time I have felt. The relief I have felt from not being dragged down emotionally is indescribable. I only hope this will all last.
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We're all at the campfire now, as the sun is going down and the bugs are coming out again. The July heat persists in the air, only now it is more tolerable without the blazing sun being right above us.
Despite the long day we've had, the energy around the fire doesn't die down. It seems as though the world doesn't even extend beyond the range of trees and the edge of the cliff. All that exists, that I want to exist, is here.
I know now that this is where I want to be. Once I make my first hunt and prove that I can live out here, I'll be set. These kids are living a life that I've now realized that I've wanted for a long time. They're free. Nobody can hurt them. I don't know where they've come from, but I'm sure that they've felt the way I have.
It would take a lot for me to change my mind, if ever.