Cohen
All I can think about the entire time we are at Isaac's party is what is going to happen when I get Teegan back to my house. Somehow it feels like we're suddenly a hell of a lot more serious than we were just two days ago, and we're both ready for what comes next. I think we are, at least.
The party is actually pretty chill. It's mostly guys from the football team, guys that Rex knows and has hung out with a lot this summer. Naomi and her friends are there, too. But overall it's calm. No one's really drunk - or high - and no one's fighting. Teegan and I sit outside near the fire pit and talk, holding hands. I sip a can of beer and she has a bottle of water. I can tell she's thinking the same thing I am.
We've only been there for two hours but I'm feeling ready to go. I smile at her and switch my empty beer can to my other hand. She's watching me carefully, her eyes wide. Is she as rearing to go as I am?
"Are you ready to..." I start, letting my voice trail off. I don't want to seem too eager.
"Yeah," she says, already nodding.
"I just want to find Rex and let him know..." I say, looking around a bit.
He's not outside anywhere and I look over at the deck and see a few people, but not Rex. He must be inside the house. Luke and Naomi are making out in the sand not far from us, and Isaac and a few other guys are near the deck, tossing a football.
"I'll wait here if you want to go find him," Teegan says, smiling at me.
"Okay. Yeah. I'll be right back."
I stand and go towards the deck, the hot, dry sand in my toes. The guys shout at me and wave as I pass them and take the stairs two at a time. My heart is beating a bit too fast because I'm always nervous when it comes to Rex. I slide open the back door and step inside the house, looking around right away. I see a couple girls - friends of Lola's - in the big kitchen.
"You guys seen Rex?" I ask them.
One of the girls laughs and the other covers her mouth. They look guilty and it makes me feel even more worried. I don't even remember these girls' names.
"He's not not in the next room with Riss," the dark haired girl says.
The blond smacks her arms but laughs anyway. "Don't tell him we told you."
I walk a bit more into the room and turn towards the living room. I've never been inside this house before, even though I've been to parties here plenty, but don't have to look for long to find Rex and Riss, another of Lola's friends. They are on the black leather sofa, sitting close to each other. I hold my breath and wait, because I don't really want to interrupt this.
Riss notices me first. She looks up and looks like she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. A moment later, Rex is looking right at me.
"Hey," I start, trying to sound as casual as possible. "Teegan and I are going to take off."
"You are?" Rex asks, looking confused. He looks at his watch and then back to me. "It's only 10P.M."
"Yeah, uh, we're just..." I say, but look away. "Are you good?"
Rex looks at Riss. She nods and smiles. "I'm good, yeah. Did something happen?"
"No, no. It's all good. We're just tired," I tell him, hoping he'll get what I'm trying to tell him. We're not tired. We just want tog. "Let me know when you're home later?"
"Yeah. Okay."
I still don't know if Rex gets it, but I nod and turn back to go through the kitchen anyway. In the last two years, he's never really been with a girl. The girls like him, but he just doesn't give them much attention. I don't know if it is partly because of me, or because he's been so committed to school and football. But seeing him with Riss felt okay, even if she is one of Lola's best friends.
"Let's go," I say to Teegan, once I make my way back over to her.
She stands and slips her hand into mine. "Rex is staying?"
"Yeah. He's actually in there talking with Riss."
"Riss? Oh, nice. I haven't talked to her in a bit but she seems like a good one," Teegan says.
"Yeah, I think she's okay, too." I smile.
We walk past Luke and Naomi's make out session and then keep going until the party is behind us. I slip my hand into Teegan's and hold it tightly as we walk through the sand. A few minutes later we are at the spot where I saw her with Raff. That image of her close to him, him laughing, her pulling away, will forever be burned into my mind. I squeeze her hand instinctively and keep walking, but she stops.
"It was right here," she says, looking at the water and then the sand.
I decide to play dumb. "What was?"
She looks at me and his a 'duh' expression on her face. "When I knew you were special. I was drunk and you saved me."
I kick some sand and pull her closer to me. "I didn't even really know you that night, but something was telling me you were in trouble."
She's quiet for a minute and we start walking again. That night feels like so long ago, to me. But it wasn't. After that, I took her to the caves. A few days later, I kissed her in my back yard. And then she found out about Lola and we had the fight. It's all happened in just a few weeks and knowing she only has a few more weeks until she leaves is like a kick to the stomach.
We're almost back to my house when she looks up at me and I see her eyes are sad. I swallowed hard and smile because I just want her to smile, but she doesn't.
"What's wrong?" I ask, but I'm not sure I want the answer.
"Nothing,"she says, and I know she's lying.
"You look like you just found out your cat died," I say, forcing another smile.
"I've never had a cat," she tells me, then sighs loudly. "I'm so... torn. I want to just be happy and enjoy the rest of my time here, but... I keep getting overwhelmed with guilt and sadness."
I pull her into my arms and hug her. Kissing the top of her head, I can smell the shampoo I'm sure she used this morning. This girl is not just a summer fling, and it's so obvious now. I love how she feels in my arms. I love how she melts into me because she know I she's safe with me. I really love how she smells and tastes and how I feel when I'm with her. I don't think I've ever been in love. I love my family, and I know I might have been in a serious relationship with Lola but it wasn't love. It wasn't like this. Attraction and sexual feelings, sure. I've had sex with four girls, so I know the difference. This feeling I have throughout my body as I hold Teegan in my arms is love, and it's completely terrifying.
Turning and scooping her up, I have her on my back, piggy back style, a minute later. She laughs and squealing but then holds on tight and lets me carry her through the neighbour's yard and into my back yard. I want to drop her into the hammock and lay beside her and kiss her. I want to tell her that I just realized that I'm in love with her. But really I just want to make sure she knows I'm her safe place.
As her feet hit the ground, I turn to look at her. Her eyes are so big and full of wonder and she pulls at my shirt to bring me closer to her. She's kissing me a moment later and I kiss her back, hard and fast and hungry. I will let her guide this, tonight, but I'll help her along. She moans slightly into my mouth and tugs at my hips, wanting me even closer. God, I love how she touches me. Without breaking the kiss, I pull at her so we are walking towards the hammock. We fall into it together and she giggles as we adjust so we're side by side. One look into her eyes tells me she doesn't want to wait and so I'm kissing her again in an instant. My hand goes to the back of her neck and I hold her against me, but she wiggles and manages to climb on top of my body anyway.
Grinning at her, I'm panting as she pulls away and looks down at me. "You're so beautiful. You're just... god, you're perfect."
"I'm not perfect," she whispers, but she's smiling.
"Well, I think you are," I say, and then she brushes some of my hair out of my face and runs her hand down my cheek. All of these little things tell me she feels the same way that I do, but there's no way I will say it and risk ruining tonight.
"We should go inside," she tells me, her voice quiet but stern.
"Why?" I ask, even though I already know.
She kisses me and then sits up a bit again. "I am not getting naked out here, even though it's dark. There's bugs. And your neighbors could see us."
Jesus, well okay. My eyes go wide and she laughs as I scoop her up and move her off of me, hopping out of the hammock. I grab her hand and basically drag her towards the house, without another word.