As I put away the last vinyl from Roberts collection, Robert comes over to me and hands me a coke.
"Thanks for your help today Charlee, you're such a great friend," Robert tells me.
I stretch an arm over his shoulder, and give him a squeeze.
"You know I've got you!" I tell him.
He gives me a wide smile.
"That's why you're my best friend. You're always there for me. Not to mention you're beautiful, intelligent, funny, kind, have great taste in music, an impeccable clothing style..." Robert trails off as I raise a skeptical eyebrow.
"What do you want, Robert?" I ask him, knowing exactly what he's doing.
Robert sticks his tongue in his cheek as he chuckles.
"Maya and I ordered heaps of Chinese food for dinner for everyone as a thank you, but we need someone to go pick it up?" Robert poses this as a question, batting his eyelashes innocently.
I narrow my eyes at him, and take a sip of my coke.
"So the coke is a bribery, not a gift of love and appreciation?" I ask with a pout.
I hear a chuckle and turn around, seeing Joe standing there with a box he is setting down on the coffee table. He shakes his head as he continues laughing at us.
I roll my eyes, and turn back to Robert. I set my coke down on the shelf, and cross my arms while I wait for an answer.
Robert shrugs.
"A little of both?" He says.
I shake my head.
"Ugh fine," I tell him.
Roberts face lights up, and he hands me a piece of paper.
"Awesome. Thank you so much, here's the order and where it's from, we already paid. Take Joe with you, there's too much to carry by yourself. Okay, love you, bye!" Robert says to me, rushing out of the room before I can change my mind.
I slowly turn my head to Joe, who's standing there with his eyebrows raised.
"It's okay, I'm sure I can get it by myself," I assure him.
I walk over to the hook on the wall by the front door, getting my bag down and I look for my keys.
"I don't mind," Joe says, walking over to me, his hands in his pockets.
"I'll be fine, really," I tell him, finding my keys and holding them in front of me in triumph.
"Let me help," Joe says. His voice so soft, it sends my stomach into backflips.
I look into his eyes, but immediately look away. It's too much.
"Okay. Let's go then," I say, walking through the door, not waiting for him to follow.
Once we're in the car, we drive in silence, just listening to the radio.
Harry Styles starts playing, and I reflexively turn it up. I realise that the song is As It Was, and start humming a long.
I hear Joe singing the lyrics, and glance to him with a smile.
"What? It's a good song," Joe laughs.
I laugh as I continue driving, and start singing along too. As the song progresses, we both get louder until we're practically shouting it.
When the song finishes, I turn the radio back down again and laugh.
"It's been a while since I've seen you smile like that. I've missed it," Joe says.
My smile fades a little, but I can't help the blush that starts to colour my cheeks. I want to be annoyed at him for saying things like that, but it still affects me.
"Have you been skateboarding much?" Joe asks me, changing the subject.
The smile falls completely from my face with the subtle reminder of my brother. I haven't picked up the skateboard since I went with Joe.
"I haven't," I tell him, pulling the car in front of the Chinese restaurant.
"You told me once, that you used the complications of our relationship as a distraction from Drew," Joe says quietly.
I narrow my eyes, as I turn the car off and turn to Joe.
"What are you saying?" I ask him, feeling the anger heat up my veins.
"Is that... Is that what's happening here? With us?" He asks timidly, noticing my anger.
I turn away from him, and get out of the car, slamming the door behind me. I march into the Chinese restaurant, pulling the paper out of my pocket and giving it to the man behind the counter.
As he walks into the kitchen to find our order, I ball up my fists in frustration. How could he say that?
Joe comes into the restaurant a moment later, and grabs my shoulder, spinning me around to face him.
"Charlee, I'm sorry okay? I shouldn't have said that. I was an asshole," Joe says, his pained eyes searching mine.
I cross my arms over my chest, and glare at him.
"Yeah, you were," I agree with him.
Joe sighs, and runs his hand through his hair.
"I don't mean to be," He says sincerely, "I'm just trying to figure out where things went wrong. Things were great one second, and then with one little misunderstanding you're willing to throw it all away, I just don't get it,"
I stare at him as the anger disappears and is replaced with sadness. My chest rising and falling as I breathe. My eyes start to sting as tears threaten fall from my eyes. I try to find the words, but I haven't been able to really explain it to myself, let alone anyone else.
Before I can think of what to say, the man comes back with the food. I quickly wipe my eyes with the back of my hands and take one of the boxes of food, thanking the man as Joe takes the other one.
I walk out of the restaurant without another word to Joe, but slow down as I reach my car. Where am I going to put the food?
"I'll carry the food on my lap," Joe says, standing behind me.
I turn to him and nod, then hand him the food once he's sitting in his seat.
I get in the car and put the keys in the ignition, but don't turn it on yet.
"I'm sorry," I say, turning to Joe.
He gives me a small nod.
"Me too," He says.
I turn back to the steering wheel, and start the car.
The drive back to the house is quiet, but it's not an uncomfortable silence. I guess we both just have too much to think about.
Once we get inside, everyone is already sitting down at the table in the dining room. I notice there's two seats left next to each other for Joe and I, and I raise an eyebrow at Robert.
"Let me help you with that," Robert says, and gets up to take the box out of my hands.
Joe and Robert walk into the kitchen, and I follow them to help them get the food out. Robert starts handing food to Joe.
"Can you set it out on the table?" Robert asks him.
Joe gives Robert a small nod, and takes the food containers out to the table. Robert turns to me.
"It's not what it looks like?" Robert offers meekly.
"What do you mean? You're not trying to push Joe and I together to make us have a conversation or anything? Because that is exactly what it looks like," I tell him.
Robert puts his hands up in surrender, as Joe comes back for more food.
"You guys good to get the rest?" Joe asks us, nodding the other containers in the box.
We nod and he leaves the room. I turn to Robert.
"It wasn't planned, but I do think it would be good to talk. Don't you?" Robert tells me.
I pick up some containers, and pause before walking out the door and turn to Robert.
"I want to talk to him. I do. I just, I don't know what to say," I tell Robert.
I wish that everything was simpler, and I know in reality it actually is.
He did nothing wrong after all. Things were good with us. I was in love with him. No... I am in love with him. But, something inside of me screams at me that it's not supposed to work out and I'm saving both of us hurt. I just don't know how to convince Joe of that.
I walk out to the dining area, and set the food down on the table before sitting down in my seat next to Joe.
I look around at the containers on the table, assessing my options. I hear scraping on a plate next to me, and turn my head to see Joe putting his honey chicken on to my plate.
"You don't have to do that," I tell him softly, looking into his eyes.
The side of Joes mouth lifts up in a smirk as he looks back into mine.
"And watch you mope all dinner because you didn't get enough sugar today? I don't think so," He laughs.
"Thank you," I say to him, my heart beating faster.
"You're welcome," He whispers.
I quickly turn my head to my plate, feeling the overwhelming need to break eye contact.
I start to eat my dinner, as I listen to the conversation at the table. The sounds of my friends talking and laughing with each other is comforting.
"So when are we doing your goodbye party, Dacre?" Natalia asks.
I look up and see Dacre rubbing a hand over his face.
"I told you, I don't need a party," He says with a sigh.
I glance over to Natalia, and see her face fall. Since getting to know her, I've realised parties really are her love language. It's like the more extravagant a party she can throw for someone, the more she's showing them she loves them.
I take a peek at Joe to see if he's thinking the same thing, and his face quickly turns to Dacre. Was he watching me?
"It's the last time we're all going to see you and be together for awhile," Natalia says sadly.
Dacre sucks in his bottom lip as he thinks. I guess he's trying to find a way out of the party without hurting Natalia's feelings.
"Why don't we do a big group activity? Like when we played laser tag," He suggests.
Joe snorts next to me, and I join everyone in turning their heads to him.
"Maybe something Charlee can actually handle? It was literal torture trying to watch her last time," He says.
I roll my eyes.
"It was my first time!" I exclaim.
"Scared of losing to me again Joe?" Maya says with a smirk, her eyes dancing.
"Maybe we can do something different, like bowling!" Dacre offers.
Murmurs of agreement ring around the table.
"You know how to bowl right?" Joe whispers in my ear.
I give him an annoyed look.
"I've been bowling before," I tell him, grumpily. I'm not useless at everything.
"Are you any good?" He asks.
I bite my lip as I think of the answer. I've only been twice, and I've had three strikes, but every single one of them was a fluke.
"It's okay, I can help you," He chuckles.
"Who says I'll be on your team?" I answer defiantly.
Joes eyes lock with mine, and they're so alive. As if they were on fire.
"Don't you want to be?" He asks quietly, his eyes never leaving mine.
As I stare into them, I feel the familiar flames of heat course through my body. Still, just being near him, effects me so.
It's too intense, too strong, too much. I get up quickly from the table and Joe grabs my hand.
"Are you alright?" He asks.
I give him a nod, and take back my hand.
"Just need some water," I tell him, before racing to the kitchen.
My mind flashes to the glass of water already sitting by my dinner on the table as I enter the kitchen, and I cringe at my terrible excuse.
Still, a glass of water would be useful. I'm almost sweating at that interaction with Joe.
I stand on my tip toes, and reach up for a glass from the cabinet Joe and I stocked earlier. My stomach twists with the memory.
I walk over to the sink and turn it on, filling the glass. I take large gulps of water and my breathing starts to slow to a normal pace each time I swallow.
"Are you okay?" I hear Joe ask behind me.
He must of came to check on me after my lame excuse. At least I'm actually drinking water, I guess. I don't turn away from the sink, and look out the window into the dark yard.
"I'm fine," I choke out, my voice giving away just how not-fine I am.
I feel Joe move closer behind me, and the rhythm of my breathing and my heartbeat both start to quicken again.
Suddenly I feel Joes fingers lightly touching my shoulders, then brushing, barely making contact, down my arms. It sends shivers down my spine.
"Talk to me Charlee," He whispers.
I can't fight this anymore. Everything in me wants him. My body, my mind, my heart, it's all screaming out for him.
I lean back into him until his chest hits my back, and I swear I can feel both of our bodies relax at the contact. I let out a sigh.
Joe rest his head on top of mine, and wraps just arms gently around my waist in a hug. For a moment, we just stand together like that. Enjoying each other's touch.
"Tell me how to fix this," Joe says eventually.
I stand up straight, and slowly turn around. My eyes are stinging and I can feel the tears pooling already.
"You can't," I whisper back to him.
I can see the pain in his eyes, and I feel awful. It's too much to bare. I rest my head on his shoulder. The familiar smell of his cologne wraps around me.
"It's nothing you did, it's something wrong with me. I don't know what it is, but it stops me from connecting properly, I don't know. All I know, is you can't fix it Joe," I mumble into his shoulder.
Joes arms wrap around my shoulders in a hug, and squeeze me tightly. Its like he knows I'm about to leave again.
I pull back, and look into his eyes briefly. The pain on his face hits me right in the gut. I'm the cause of that.
"I'm sorry," I choke out, and quickly leave the room.
"Wait! Charlee!" Joe calls out.
Ignoring him, I walk into the dining room, and over to Maya and Robert to kiss them goodbye.
"Everything okay?" Maya asks me.
"Yeah, I'm just really tired. I'm going to go home. Thanks for dinner," I say to her.
I walk into the living room and grab my things.
"Please don't leave," Joe begs.
I turn around and realise he's followed me.
When I look into his face and his eyes, I swear I've never felt pain quite this way before. I feel like I've taken his favourite toy and snapped the head off or something.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't do this," I say, leaving quickly before I change my mind.
*****
I step out of the shower, and stand in front of the mirror. I wipe away the condensation and look into my eyes.
Why am I like this?
Why can't I just let myself be happy, why is it I can't shake the feeling that getting close to people is going to hurt me and them?
I turn away and dry myself with a towel before wrapping it around myself.
I walk into my room and sit on my bed in my towel, and pick up my phone.
I open Instagram, and just scroll. Trying to distract myself from all the thoughts swirling inside my mind that I can't make sense of.
As I'm scrolling, I see a post from Gemma and it makes me stop. She's standing by a fountain in the sun, a glowing tan on her skin, and a big smile on her face. She looks so good, and so happy.
I close the app and open my messenger.
Charlee:
Are you free tomorrow for lunch?
—————
I did it. I finally updated again. I'm so sorry for the sudden hiatus. I did end up getting covid, and it hit me pretty hard. It took me awhile to recover and then to get back into the zone of writing again. I think I've hit it now though! I will do my best to bring you another chapter next week, and maybe I'll be able to do more twice weekly updates after that.
I hope everyone has had a good month! Thanks to everyone waiting so patiently. Everyone asking for more has done it so kindly, I really appreciate you. xx