A/N: Wow, it's been too long since I updated this. So, do you all remember how I said I had three exams coming up and I was procrastinating? Yeah, I paid the price for that. A week before my first exam, I was like, 'holy moly, I haven't studied at all,' and then proceeded to speedrun a year's worth of content in a week. It worked - I got an A average on the exam - but the stress was not worth it. Also, I've FINALLY completed driver's ed (the second exam) - I swear it is the most boring educational content in the history of the universe - so I'm getting my permit soon! The third exam is still coming up, and I definitely won't procrastinate for this one.
Anyways, I'm pretty sure you're here to hear about Cammi, not me. So let's dive right in!
If I have learned anything about Dauntless in the past few weeks, it's that when they do anything, they go all the way.
Initiation day is no different.
Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the entirety of Dauntless has taken leave from their jobs to cheer us on. There certainly seem to be enough people crowding the paths and floor of the Pit. The only thing that convinces me otherwise is the fact that lunch is still being served in the dining hall. At least the cooks are still working; somehow, I doubt that every Dauntless knows how to cook. It seems like such a tame activity for the wild, carefree Dauntless.
I have to carefully shield my lunch from all the flailing limbs of intoxicated people as I make my way back to the dormitory, where I hope to find my friends. The dining hall is so crowded, people are standing and eating.
My spirits lift as I poke my head into the dormitory. Lavender and Ethan sit on Ethan's bed, heads close together, lunch trays on their lap.
As I watch, they stay in that position for a moment more, before Lavender leans forward and presses her lips to Ethan's.
At this point, I turn away, still uncomfortable with such things, a small smile on my face. The two of them really care for each other. I hope, for both their sakes, that they both make it into Dauntless.
I linger just behind the door frame to the dormitory for a minute, and then walk in, acting like I just arrived. Lavender and Ethan, who are now back to having just their heads touching, both look up, and abruptly sit up at the sight of me.
"Cammi!" Even if I hadn't witnessed her and Ethan a minute ago, her flushed cheeks are a dead giveaway. But I choose to not comment on it. "Come on, sit down." She shifts to the side and pats the area of the mattress beside her. I oblige, walking over and settling down on the edge of the bed, my own lunch in my lap.
"Hey, Lav, Ethan. Where's Julia?"
"Not here yet." Ethan is quick to reply.
I hum in response, before turning my attention to my lunch. The food on my plate, now that I look at it, is an odd mix of two factions. Chicken breast and peas populate one side of my plate, while a yellow-red dish I've learnt is called lasagna and Dauntless cake take up the other side. It feels strangely symbolic; I've left Abnegation, but, until the fear landscapes, I'm not completely Dauntless, either.
I have two identities. One is a docile girl dressed in gray. The other is a rebellious girl clothed in black. And by the end of today, I will be forced to give up the first. Or, if I don't pass, both of them.
Will I be able to, though?
I sigh, banishing those kinds of thoughts from my head, and pick up my fork. As I eat, I listen to Lavender and Ethan talk, idly going over the potential fears I could see in my head.
I faced seven fears in my simulations. Assuming that all of those appear in my landscape, that's bugs, quicksand, getting thrown out of Dauntless, confinement, hurting my family and friends, r- intimacy, and Marcus.
The first four should be relatively simple. I'll know I'm not in a simulation, so I'll just have to remind myself of that fact, then either calm my breathing or manipulate the simulation to break free.
It's the last three, as well as potential fears I haven't seen, that make me nervous. I don't want to relive those horrible moments, but if I want to become Dauntless, I'm going to have to.
I'm broken out of my thoughts as Julia walks into the room, skillfully balancing her lunch tray with her uninjured hand. She sits down beside Ethan on the bed, and returns our greetings. "Hey, you guys!" She picks up her own utensils. "So, are you ready for the final test?"
A chorus of "no"s come from all three of us. We all look at each other, and then burst into laughter.
When it finally subsides, Lavender is the first to comment. "I don't think any of the initiates can really be ready for the final exam. I mean, you're facing all your fears in a row."
"Yeah," Ethan chimes in. "No matter how much we go through the scenarios in our head, it's always going to be different than when we're actually in the simulation."
"At least we'll know it's not real this time." Julia points out. "If it was like stage 2 in that aspect, it would be even more scary."
Lavender and Ethan nod their agreement. With that, Julia turns to me. "What do you think, Cammi?"
Lavender and Ethan follow Julia's lead, twisting their heads to face me. I think for a moment, slightly conscious of the three pairs of eyes on me.
"Well, it's definitely going to be scary." I offer. "But I think it's a fair final test."
"How so?" Julia doesn't say it like it's offensive, but rather like she's genuinely curious about my response.
"The Dauntless are the protectors of the city." I pause, trying to gather my thoughts. "We need to be able to do our jobs, no matter how scared we are. If we can get through a series of our worst fears, then we should be able to get through whatever danger the world throws at us, right?"
For a long few seconds, all three of them stare at me. Finally, I gather the courage to break the silence. "What?"
Ethan shakes his head. "Sometimes I forget how rational you can be." He grins cheekily at me. "Is that a Stiff thing?"
Not even Lavender can save him from my righteous indignation.
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After nearly two hours of wandering around the Pit with my friends, we finally head up to the glass building.
This area of the compound is more crowded than the Pit, if that's even possible. Every step is a fight against the hundreds of bodies that all strive to get to the same location.
Even at my height, seeing too far beyond the mass of heads is impossible. Sometimes, when the crowd is especially thick around me, I feel like I'm being squeezed between them. I fight the mental images of a closet in my head; I can't go into a panic attack right before the final test. I can't. Besides, I can still get out of this crowd, but only if I keep moving.
It feels like forever before we get close to the series of screens the Dauntless are crowded around. I glance at the screen quickly, only to whip my head back when I realize who is currently going through their fear simulation. Rowan.
He stands in the middle of the simulation room, eyes blown wide with fear of something unseen to the rest of us. He moves continuously, seemingly trying to escape something. But other than that, I can't tell what obstacle he's going through. That's good - the last thing I need is for everyone in Dauntless to know my fears.
The next screen shows his heart rate, which is currently high. I watch as it stays high for a few more seconds, before starting to steadily drop. Once it reaches a normal level, the screen flashes green, and the Dauntless roar.
The third screen shows his time, which is currently just over five minutes.
I want to keep watching, want to quietly urge Rowan on with every fear he faces, despite knowing that he can't hear me, but when Julia tugs on my arm, pulling me to catch up with my friends - I never noticed that I stopped walking - I have no choice but to follow.
Julia guides me towards a door on the left side of the room, one I never noticed before, right next to the fear landscape room. My brother stands just inside of it.
As we walk in, Tobias steps forward to intercept Julia and I. "Excuse me, initiates." His voice is as stoic as always. "I need to talk to Cammi for a second."
Julia's eyebrows furrow with confusion, but, nevertheless, she nods. "I'll save you a seat." She tells me, before heading off towards Lavender and Ethan.
Once she's out of earshot, I turn towards Tobias. "What is it?" I ask, getting straight to the point. Tobias never singles me out from the other initiates like he just did. That way, we can avoid any claims of favoritism.
"I just wanted to tell you good luck." Tobias doesn't touch me, but I can almost feel his hand stroking my hair as he says that. "Not that you'll need it. You've trained for this, Cam. You know how to do this. Just breathe, and everything will be okay. You'll do well, I'm sure of it."
I fight down my smile, hoping my gratitude comes through in my voice. "Thank you, Toby."
He scowls. "Will you ever drop that nickname?"
I can't resist the chance to tease him. "Nope. Never." I turn around to go back to my friends, knowing that even this little interaction is probably too long. But I pause, and look back at my brother. "I love you."
A smile doesn't grace his face, but I can see one in his eyes. "Love you too."
With that, I head back over to my friends. The room is, thankfully, much less full. It has another screen, almost the same as the ones outside. I can see a line of people, including Max and Eric, seated in front of it, eyes blank, wires attached to their heads. These must be the leaders, observing the fear simulations. These people will be the ones to know some of my deepest, darkest secrets.
There is another line of chairs behind them, which seat the initiates. Noticing Julia, Lavender, and Ethan, accompanied by Kian and Chloe, sitting on the far right end, with one empty seat, I walk over.
As soon as I sit down, I get assaulted with questions from Lavender and Ethan.
"What did Four want?"
"Are you in trouble?"
"What did he say?"
"What-"
"Guys!" I stifle my laughter, trying to come up with an excuse. "He, uh, warned me that some people might not be too receptive to a Stiff, especially if I do well in the landscapes, so I shouldn't let it get to me or my performance."
"Well, he's right." Chloe enters the conversation. "I don't care where you came from, you are one badass girl, and you shouldn't be afraid to flaunt that."
I smile at her in thanks. "I wasn't planning to let it get to me, anyways. If I do make it, I won't be Abnegation anymore, I'll be Dauntless."
"Oh, come on." Julia interjects. "You were literal miles ahead of us in stage 2. You'll definitely make it."
My friends are quick to agree, and I feel a little lighter after that. They believe in me. They think I can do it.
Just then, the lights come on in the fear landscape room. Rowan stands there, and, at first glance, he looks fine. But, looking closer, I can see tear tracks on his cheeks, and the muscles in his hands are strained, presumably from squeezing them very tightly. Several of the leaders get up, shaking themselves out of the simulation aftermath, and walk over to congratulate him. The screen flashes green and stays that way, illuminating his final time in black. About nine and a half minutes.
"Transfers," Tobias' voice pulls my attention away from Rowan and towards him. "You will go through your final test based on the order of the rankings. So Ethan will go first, and Cammi will go last."
So two Dauntless-borns, and five transfers will have to go before I do. That should be an advantage - by the time I get to go, I'll know exactly what times I have to beat. But right now, it just feels like a curse, because seven people means lots of time for the tightness appearing in my stomach to worsen. More time to worry.
I try to pay attention to Kian's landscape, although it isn't very exciting to watch from the outside. Every time he gets through a fear, I cheer with the rest of the Dauntless, all the while trying to block out thoughts of my own impending landscape. I've run through how to get through the fears that I know of many, many times, and doing it again will only make me more nervous.
One by one, the number of people by my side dwindles, and new numbers gather in my head. Kian and Chloe get through it easily, with impressive times of just under eight minutes. And then, it's the transfers' turn.
Ethan clearly struggles with his landscape, breathing heavily the entire time, but, in the end, makes it with a time of about fifteen minutes.
I don't pay much attention to Aiden's landscape. Lavender seems to have it only marginally better than Ethan, finishing at about thirteen and a half minutes. At a few points, she even screamed, which clearly concerned both Julia and I.
When it's Zayden's turn, I'm not even ashamed to say I hope he fails. Unfortunately, Zayden is good at wrangling his fears, and finishes above both Lavender and Ethan, but only marginally.
Before I know it, it's Julia's turn. Like my other friends, I send her off with a "good luck". But this time, something compels me to get up and wrap her in a hug. "Go get 'em." I whisper.
She smiles thankfully at me, unraveling her one arm that returned the hug, and then heads for the simulation room.
I watch Julia go through the landscape, mentally cheering her on. At about nine minutes, a voice calls my name. "Cammi!"
I turn around, confusion clouding my mind. Julia's still in the landscape; it's not my turn yet. But then who could it be?
A figure walks towards me from the entrance of the room, and I squint at it, before gasping as I realize who it is. Rowan.
In a matter of seconds, he reaches me. "Hey."
"Hey. What are you doing here?"
"Just wanted to wish you good luck." His words mimic Tobias' from earlier, and I can't help but grin.
"Well, thanks, I appreciate it. But shouldn't you be, I don't know, resting or something?"
"Probably." Rowan's admission surprises me. "The landscape was scary as hell. But I really wanted to see you off."
My smile grows wider at Rowan's thoughtfulness. "That's really considerate of you. I... thank you."
He shrugs. "It's nothing."
And then, he does what I least expected. He leans in and plants a kiss on my cheek.
I freeze, just as I did the first time he did this, after zip-lining. After a second, he pulls away, and I turn my stare onto him, silently asking for an explanation.
His cheeks turn slightly red. "Just a little kiss for, you know, good luck."
Somehow, I manage to regain my voice at that moment, although it sounds like I've been strangled. "Well, I- Thank you. Again. Really."
Rowan's own smile grows, just slightly. It makes a small dimple appear near the corner of his mouth, and I find myself wondering how I've never noticed that before.
"I think Julia's done." Rowan says, all of a sudden. I tear my eyes off of him and back towards the screen, where, sure enough, the screen flashes green, broadcasting roughly eleven and a half minutes as Julia's final time. She has beat all the other transfers so far.
It's my turn.
"Cammi."
The twisting in my stomach seems to get tighter as I stand up and start moving towards the front of the observation room, approaching Eric, who's holding a syringe of orange liquid. Right before I reach him, I twist my head around, searching for Rowan.
He stands right where I left him, watching me. When he meets my gaze, he nods encouragingly and sends me two thumbs-ups. The action is so silly, so childlike, especially when compared to the seriousness of today, that I have to swallow back a laugh.
It hits me all of a sudden - the odd twinges in my stomach when I'm around him, the electricity when we touch, how he makes me blush and smile with just simple comments - I like Rowan. I really like him.
He never judged me for my Abnegation roots. He's never shown me anything other than respect. He knows I'm broken, in more ways than one. And yet, knowing this, he doesn't treat me like I am weak. And that is all I need to know.
But now's not the time for revelations, even such big ones. Eric's impatient voice only confirms this. "Are we going to get through your landscape any time today, initiate?"
I rip my gaze away from Rowan and shoot a glare at Eric, not caring what he thinks about it. There can't be a worse punishment than going through all your fears.
Eric seems unfazed by my glare, and instead holds the needle to my neck and presses the plunger down as though he's done it a hundred times. I suppose injecting all the initiates today is good practice.
I push all of my thoughts out of my head. My friends, Rowan, Tobias, Erudite, Abnegation, all of it. I can't afford to be distracted right now.
"Ready?"
"Ready."
A/N: What an exciting chapter! Especially with Cammi finally admitting her crush to herself! Honestly, I had a lot more fun writing this chapter than I thought I would.
One note, I have slightly scaled up the time it takes to get through the fear landscape, because I thought Veronica Roth's times were a little too low. Like, Will had a ten minute time, but I'm imagining his time as more like twelve, twelve and a half minutes. Peter had fifteen minutes, but I'm imagining his as more like seventeen. And so on, so forth.
If you catch the direct Divergent quote in this chapter, you are a legend!
Book time! Today, I present to you:
The Hate U Give! (By Angie Thomas)
This story, inspired by the Black Lives Matter movement, really surprised me when I read it, maybe two years ago. It was about a more mature real-world topic than really any other book I had read at the time. It took me a while to get used to, but I eventually grew to appreciate the boldness of this book to address a topic so prevalent and controversial in our society today.
Link to the author's page: https://angiethomas.com/the-hate-u-give/
As far as I know, this book has no sequels.
Next up, Cammi's fear landscape! How many fears do you think she'll have?
Nos vemos, mi brilliante estrellas! Gracias por estar aqui!