o p a l t r e v o r - d i x o n |future|
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"Allah, I know we haven't talked in a while but right now, two of the most important people in my life need you - Allah I need you. Things haven't been going so well and there isn't much I can do but I believe there isn't a thing you can't do.
Protect my babies and give us the strength to get through this.
And uh... bet'ami t'iru newi?... uh..." (Amharic translation: God is great)
"Keep. Going." Ethel squeezes my hand and I quickly turn my head so she doesn't see me flinch.
"Um, and we ask for a smooth delivery-
"And that these fuck ass nurses give me more meds too - shit!"
"I don't think I'm supposed to say that lov-" Ethel yanks me closer to her by the thin layer of my blue medical coveralls the hospital provided. My eyes widen while she stares directly at me.
"I'm not fucking playing with you right now Opal. Say it. Say. It." She grits through clenched teeth. I don't take personal offense because I know from experience she's in some serious pain right now. Plus, when I was delivering Miah five years ago, I wasn't exactly so nice either.
"Okay, okay." Since I don't want to add on anymore stress, I do as my wife says.
"Just like I said it too."
"I - okay."
"I mean it! Continue please."
"We ask for a smooth delivery and that the nurses give - I mean, these 'fuck ass' nurses give Ethel more of the epidural to ease her pain... Take care of our baby please."
I whisper this last part. She starts to cry quietly again, all these complex emotions taking a toll on her right then. "He wasn't supposed to come yet O'. Our poor little guy had seven more weeks to go. Seven more weeks - nnghhh!" Ethel slowly shakes her head in agony, and my heart breaks seeing my baby in such distress.
"I know love," I dab at her sweaty forehead with the damp wash cloth I would soak in cold water from time to time. "I know." She sips on the fruit smoothie I hold out for her through the straw and for a brief second, I feel like I can breathe again. But she latches onto me not even a full second later, somehow tighter this time. I'm likely gonna need a cast by the end of today - sweet Jesus. A muffled groan accidentally erupts from my mouth. Ethel's glassy chocolate eyes snap up to mine, examining me with a weird look.
"You good?" I know better. I'm not stupid, I can read between the lines. Her eyes alone practically scream "I dare you to say some dumb shit like you're in pain". So I nod quickly with a tight smile.
"I'm fine." My voice squeaks awkwardly. Ethel releases a soft sigh. Relief floods my body once more because her now relaxed posture lets me know that this contraction just passed.
"Thank you for being so patient with me Darlin'."
The corners of my mouth twitch, "Of course. I can't think of any other place I could be right now." And I mean that - kind of. I couldn't be happier to welcome our little boy into the world, I just wish it was under better circumstances.
I mean, just this morning I was making her breakfast. She sat at the kitchen island all glow-y and beautiful. I cooked for her and Miah and fed them to their hearts content, satisfied that my wife was pregnant and happy. But the minute she gave me that look while we were in the shower, I just knew something was wrong. We came in around three this evening. Despite it now being far past twelve a.m., we still haven't left this room since.
Ethel nods slowly, curling into herself while she shifts on her side. "Mmmaauugggghhh..." She starts groaning again. I go to rub her arm gently but the minute my hand comes in contact with her skin, she pushes it away. And then she whines about it a few seconds later. The irony of the situation elicits a small huff. But right in the midst of rolling my eyes, the door opens.
"How are you holding up Mrs. Trevor-Dixon?" Ethel glares at the nurse, not saying a word. "Okay, well I'm just making sure everything is going as smoothly as possible with you." She laughs it off easily, checks on Ethel's vitals, examines how far dilated she is, and adjust the level of epidural coming through her tube.
"From a level of one to ten, how bad is it Ma'am?"
"One fucking thousand! Fuck!" Ethel growls, her response slightly muffled by the pillow. The nurse's brows furrow sympathetically.
"You just hold on for a bit longer okay? You're already six centimeters along, just four more and you're set to start pushing-"
"Mownum?" Ethel doesn't bother to lift her head up, she opts to continue groaning in the pillow instead.
"I'm sorry?"
"She uh," I clear my throat, my cheeks heating when my wife reaches back to pull me closer behind her, "she asked how long?" The nurse nods appreciatively and smiles while handing me a refilled cup of water so I can get Ethel to try and drink some more fluids.
"I say give it another hour, two tops."
"Wmmmyyyy!" The nurse leaves me to deal with the new onset of tears. They're triggered on and off for the next hour of her labor and I do my best to make sure she's comfortable within that time. She needs a blanket? I got it. Turn down the the thermostat? Sure, I don't mind freezing to death. Wanna break my hand? Have at it.
Our family visits every now and then and I'm lucky if they can distract her from the pain longer than three minutes. Honestly, I'm just grateful Sebastion and Marc stayed at our new home to babysit Mariah. They'd be bringing her over later on tomorrow.
As restless as I am, there's nothing else to do really but wait. So I do just that. And with every agonizingly slow second that goes by, I make sure to be there at her side. I don't think the moment could come soon enough though.
"Alright Mrs. Trevor-Dixon, I'm going to need one more push. Just one more and it's over." The doctor gently encourages but Ethel sobs, going on to hide her face in my stomach.
"I can't do it O'. I'm scared. I c-can't... It-it hurtsss so ba-ad. They gotta cut him out - I-I-I can't, they gotta."
"Yes you can love." I kiss her clammy forehead, tenderly pushing away some of the loose baby hairs that cling to it. "You've come so far, it's too late to cut him out now." She shakes her head against me stubbornly. Everybody gives us worried looks but I ignore all the doctors and nurses in the room for a moment, whispering softly in her ear.
"Baby I'm so proud of you. I love you so much, you know that?"
"O' I c-can't. I-I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey. You don't have to apologize for anything. You've been holding it down so well and our son is honestly blessed because of that."
She hiccups, "R-really?" This is good, she's no longer hiding that lovely face. Now I just have to help her through this mental stump.
"Mhm. He's gonna be such a happy baby, I just know it. And he's gonna love you so much because you're already such an amazing mamma for even trying. Our baby is gonna be the luckiest." She nods at my words warily, flinching a bit.
"Just one more push love. He wants to meet you, don't you want to meet him too?" A few seconds pass before I get a small nod. "But that means you gotta push okay?" Ethel whimpers, drawing in a long breath. I breathe along with her, coaching my girl as best as I can through the pain.
"Hhhnnnauuugghhhhhh!" I want to cry so bad because I swear she broke at least one bone in my hand right now. But this is all for a good cause, I remind myself. And I rather put up with this than her being discouraged or afraid.
"Good." The doctor smiles at her. My shaky hands end up fumbling a bit when I'm directed to cut the umbilical cord. The fear of potentially hurting him pains me. However, I know there's no nerves in the cord so that wouldn't be possible. When the quiet snip echos there's still no cry. It dawns on me seconds later that his body is just too week.
"Why isn't he crying?! What h-happened? O'?!" My wife starts panicking. She looks up at me and my small smile wobbles a little - a tear ends up sliding down my cheek. I go to comfort her, though the black woman ends up replying before I can.
"He's just a bit weak right now Mrs. Trevor-Dixon. Let's give him some time to rest okay?"
Ethel's wary eyes flicker from her to me a couple times. She anxiously watches as Dr. Nicole hands our baby's small, tired body to a male nurse. Her body is tired too, I know it. But she tries to fight it off.
"Lay down. It's okay love, he's in good hands."
She hesitates, eventually listening to me for once, and sinks into the hospital bed with a quiet sigh. My eyes wander anxiously to the other side of the room for a moment.
"How is he?" She croaks and I'm quick to feed her some more water. In the meantime, Dr. Nicole runs through standard procedures to make sure she's okay, checking for any tears or blood loss.
I think of the small glimpse I got before he was obscured by all the nurses surrounding him. I smile down at Ethel's tired eyes, eyes with dark bags under them. Her cheeks have lost some of their color and her whole body sweats profusely. I take her in, all of her disheveled, exhausted glory. She couldn't have looked more beautiful.
I plant a gentle kiss on her cold lips in response, and simply mumble the word "perfect".
The nurses busy themselves with cleaning him off, having already suctioned any fluids in his nose and mouth with a syringe. They check his heart rate, take his weight, blood sample, footprint, so on and so forth.
He ends up having to be hooked to all types of tubes and needles inside the incubator. And when they're done, carefully, they roll him over, along with all the monitors indicating his health status, towards Ethel's bedside.
Instantly, Ethel leans over. She reaches inside through the tiny hole within the glass casing and gently strokes his little fingers. I watch her eyes light up with curiosity and a grin instantly spreads on my face. Aside from the sad sight of all those tubes poking his sensitive skin, I can tell she's already in love.
I move closer to hover over them both, mesmerized by how his tiny belly rise and falls softly. It's crazy how you can love someone before you meet them and when you finally do, the feeling is indescribable. I'm overcome with sudden emotion upon a striking thought: Another tiny human I gotta do everything in my power to watch out for. Ethel grins up at me then, and my hearts squeezes so tight to the point that I thought it would stop working.
"You were right. He's perfect."
"What are you guys going to name him?" The nurse interrupts our little moment, taking a few pictures with our polaroid camera like requested when we came in earlier. Me and Ethel share a look, she nods, giving me the go ahead, and I smile despite my cheeks feeling wet.
"Phinneas Trevor-Dixon."
"You sure?"
"Yes Liya, I promise you, Ethel is fine." My words do nothing to erase the worry on her face but she nods nonetheless.
"Tell her to call when she's ready." Anushca says, handing me a bag with a change of clothes for us both.
"I will-"
"And not to murder someone in that hospital over something petty... although, that would be convenient."
"Dani?"
"Yeah?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Watch it Liya, not in front of Mariah." Said girl stares up at us with this secretive grin on her face. I wink and boop her on the nose, and she burst into a fit of giggles.
"Act like you didn't hear that, kay niecey?" Liya pretends to whisper conspiratorially with her and they share a pinkie promise. Eventually, we bring it in for a group hug before they finally go to exit the hospital parking lot in their respective cars.
I see Josey come out the building's sliding doors not even a few seconds later, ema, aba, and Renaldo trailing right behind her. She rubs my shoulders in comfort, whispering a quick prayer before she pulls back.
"We told Ethel we leaving okay?" I nod while she reaches down to rub Miah's chin affectionately.
"And we're going back to the house to add just a little bit more thing to baby room, yes?"
"Okay aba." I laugh, already knowing Phinny's room is gonna be full of stuffed animals and toys he won't even be able to use yet.
"I left tea in the room. Make sure Ethel drink all of it - oh and take some for yourself too cheri."
"Mhm."
"Take care of my daughter for me." Renaldo's tired eyes hold such a pleading look that I can't help to hug my father-in-law.
"Always."
They pile into OJ's SUV while he hangs back a bit, fussing with his twins in the backseat.
After he became an uncle, I swear the kid had some serious baby fever. I remember how him and his fiance at the time were kind of struggling to get pregnant. That didn't deter Olev though. He'd trusted me and Liya enough to ask us to be his surrogates. Teyanna, his now wife, had already been on board with the idea along with Ethel and so, the couple never looked back since. Somehow, this whole experience brought us all closer together.
"Thanks for dropping her off by the way." Miah leans against my leg and I wrap my arm around her shoulder.
Olev playfully rolls his eyes and looks away awkwardly, "It's whatever sis." So of course I pull him into a hug, giving him a good noogie.
He grunts and tries to break away. "Alright! Alright! You're gonna mess up my waves. And move! You smell like hospital." Miah joins in on the assault with a shriek of laughter, tickling his stomach. He finally cracks a smile and I let him go with my own satisfied smile.
"I thought 'Bastion or Marc were gonna do it though?"
"Well ya'know," OJ picks up Mariah when she motions to him, and once settled in his arms, immediately starts playing with the stud in his ear, "Marc had an emergency meeting for some campaign he's working on and one of Seb's players got injured during a game last night, so neither one could really make it."
"I'm glad you did though baby bro."
He nods, glancing at the ground for a moment, a slight frown forming. "You guys gonna be okay? I mean I could always keep her for another da-"
"No you're fine. I already know you have your hands full." I say this, smiling as I peak through the back window to wave at my niece and nephew. Cue Bobby, the little trouble maker, splashing his Gerber pouch against the window with the cutest, toothless grin on his face. He giggles to himself while his sister, Halima, sits in the car seat beside him, pouring the contents of her own pouch all over her face with the utmost concentration.
Olev sighs, grumbling under his breath, "And I just cleaned the car yesterday too."
"I'll leave you to it then. Get home safe. C'mon princess." I hold my hand out - the one without the cast - for Mariah to place hers in after getting down. Her little feet take quick small steps and I'm mindful of my strides, slowing down a bit so I'm not pulling on her arm.
"You had fun with your uncles yesterday?" She jumps all excitedly as we walk into the elevator.
"Yes! Marcee let me stay up late, I got to do Baba hair, we play footbaw and watch Shimmer and Shine later, and we eat ice cream for dinner."
"I- not the ice cream for dinner," I laugh at the confused look she gives me when we step off the elevator and head towards the room. "You're so spoiled Miah."
She pouts up at me, "Nuh-uhn. Ema'ma I be good."
"Yeah, I know. Let's not say anything to mummy about the ice cream thing when you see her though-
"Like a secret?" My daughter, ever the drama queen, gasps.
"Uhm... sure. Tell me more about this amazing day of yours."
"Well, Baba say mummy at da doctor 'cause she having da baby. I miss her. When I see her I gonna give mummy a biiiig hug..."
I stop short when I open the door and there's no Ethel. She isn't sleeping in bed like how I'd left her before. No worries, she's probably just in the bathroom. I feel a tug on my sleeve.
"-Ma?... Ema? Where mummy go?" I try to smile reassuringly and go to knock on the bathroom door. Nothing.
"That's what I'm trying to see princess..." I peak in. No Ethel. Now a heavy feeling starts to sink in my stomach. Leaving our bags on a chair, I take Mariah's hand and bring us to the receptionist desk.
"Excuse me, you didn't happen to see her leave room E29 did you?"
Nurse Robin blinks up at me in surprise but once she sees the worry on my face she nods, "Yeah. Ethel said she was going to visit the NICU." I sigh, relieved, and say a quick thanks before starting in that direction with Miah skipping ahead of me.
I spot her in the middle of the empty hall. What stands out most in that exact moment is how she appears to barely be able to stand. I sigh. Why don't you ever take it easy baby?
"Mummy!" Miah's voice startles Ethel from her trance and she has brace herself before our daughter collides with her body, wrapping her small arms around Ethel's legs. Instinctively, I steady my hands on my wife's sides so she doesn't fall.
"You ate this morning? And you better have brushed good after too. How was school? Did Marc take you to karate yesterday? Did you have fun?" Ethel fusses over our daughter, rubbing her cheek and sweeping some flyaways back into her puff. Miah squirms impatiently, trying to pull Ethel's hands away.
"Mummy, I wanna see da baby." She whines and my wife just frowns down at her.
"Mariah what is this green stuff in your hair?"
She blinks over at me now, guilt written all over her small face. I chuckle softly, and tug Ethel more snug into my arms so most of her weight rests on me now. I'm rewarded with her melting into me with a tired sigh, letting me know my choice was the right one. And our oh so intelligent daughter uses her mother's current distraction to change the subject and take the attention off herself.
"Where is he mummy?"
Ethel's tired smile makes an appearance then, and she points far to the left side of the room. "You see that little guy right there?" Miah nods eagerly. "That's you'r brother, that's Phinny."
"Phinny?" Her large eyes widen further and she presses her palms on the glass. Me and Ethel watch in amusement as her attention shifts from us to him, and then back to us again. "I get to keep him Ema'ma?"
I nod, "Forever and ever."
"And ever?"
"He's ours for life babylove."
She goes on to ignore us for the most part after that, this time, mushing her whole face against the glass. I go to warn her about it, but Ethel abruptly shivers in my arms, a long yawn sounding from her. Immediately, I unbutton my cardigan to wrap her up in it.
"Thank-" Yawn. "You." Her head comes to rest in the crook of my neck with obvious intention to just sleep standing there against me. My brows can't help to furrow with worry when she yawns once again.
"I thought we agreed on you staying in bed, hm?" Ethel's only response comes in the form of a shrug which causes me to groan. She chooses to avoid my gaze and rather now joins Miah in her staring fest.
"I missed him." She simply says with a quiet exhale. My resolve softens almost instantly. "He's so tiny O'-" Yawn. "I hate he has to put up with all those stupid tubes. Just wanna rock him back to good health and hug him to my chest."
Gosh, she's so adorable.
I kiss her cheek twice before mumbling against it. "I know baby, but give it some time. Soon he'll be home with us where he belongs and you can coddle him with your love all day long if you like." What was meant to be a hum is interrupted by yet another yawn, and I decide enough is enough.
"Princess?" I nod is the direction of the hospital room when she finally turns to look at me. Carefully, I start to guide a fatigued, yet not so willing Ethel, back down the hall.
"Hm?"
"We'll come visit Phinny again later. Let's go feed mummy and put her to sleep for now, kay."
"Nap time!"
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