It's so hard to be happy.
Someone once said, "you know it's a good compromise when neither party is happy about it", and truer words had never been spoken.
Winter ended, but we got summer in return.
Jack rode again, but not on Shamrock.
Bloodless Day was going to race, but not with me.
But all of these were just thoughts shoved into the back of my mind, speaking but not being heard, as I pulled the bridle over BD's sweat-sticky ears. The synthetic blue leather was hot and plasticky in my palms, annoying. "You poor boy," I whispered. "This can't be fun to wear when you're working, huh?"
BD stared at me with dark, unreadable eyes, then lowered his head to my torso and began scratching, rubbing his face up and down against my shirt. It was hard to keep balance with a thousand pound animal leaning against me, but I did and scratched him back behind his ears. Immediately the stallion backed off and tilted his head, enjoying the sensation. "For such a blue-blooded horse, you're really quite goofy."
Snorting loudly, BD shook himself and nudged the halter in my hand, anxious to be washed off. I stopped fooling around and quickly finished untacking him, leading him out to be washed down.
Lilac was already at the rack, spraying water into Goodie's mouth. Both girl and horse seemed to be laughing- Goodie's ears were pricked forwards as he pawed animatedly in the splash-off, muscular and gleaming. I paused to admire him and let Lilac finish up before I brought BD near- the two stallions, half brothers, seemed to have a strange rivalry going on.
BD arched his neck and neighed sharply at the sight of Goodie. I yanked on his rope to hush him, ignoring his deeply indignant expression as he pranced in a circle around me, shod hooves kicking up crescents of dirt. I had to admire him as well- since Jack had taken the ride, he'd developed new muscles. His hindquarters positively rippled with them, veins on his legs and neck gaining prominence, and his coat had acquired a new sheen of healthiness. He was the perfect athlete and seemed just as happy whether I rode him or not.
Lilac turned off the hose and led Goodie from the wash stall, whistling. "He's looking good, Anna! His times have been amazing as well- Dad is thinking of entering him in a maiden at Churchill Downs."
"Really?" Churchill Downs. It was where the Derby was run, where the greatest horses won their greatest races. Just the name seemed special to me. Powerful.
"Really! He's improved so much since you started working with him." Lilac beamed at me from under Goodie's neck, clearly excited on my behalf. Goodie, however, wasn't so pleased for me or his brother and snorted impatiently, tossing his head. "I better get this pretty boy back, though, before he goes nuts. Catch ya later!" And just like that, she was gone.
BD stretched out his neck and sneezed. Good riddance. I laughed and clapped his shoulder. "You're racing, buddy!" The news didn't seem to impress him as I backed him into the wash rack, grabbed the hose, and began to let water slide down his back. He didn't seem to mind, and it was hot out, so I let the wash-down lengthen into a full-out bath, wishing to stay in the water forever. My thoughts wandered off into a soapy day dream, filled with bubbles and apple-scented shampoo.
"Did you hear the news?"
Startled, I whirled around. BD jerked awake, stiffening and flattening his ears, but his threatening pose was marred by the doodles I'd traced on his neck and barrel with soap.
Jack leaped back, his light shirt now darkened with water. "Jesus, Anna, watch where you aim that thing!"
The hose sputtered as I turned it away from Jack. "Watch where you sneak up on me," I countered, not too sorry. The heat would suck that water off his shirt in ten minutes.
"What, no apology?"
"You liked it." I began methodically rinsing the doodles from BD, making sure to get at the soap embedded in his fur.
"I did," Jack admitted, wiping some water from his brow. "To quote Ned, it's bloody hot outside."
I raised an eyebrow. "Hot as bloody hell?"
Jack snickered. "Your accent is atrocious. And that's not very mature- hey!" I turned the hose back at him, making sure to blast him full on in the face. "That's really not mature!" But to counter attack, he grabbed the hose in the wash-rack next to us and turned it on me. I squealed as the cold water struck me between the shoulder blades, sticking my shirt to my back as I scampered around BD and hid behind the stallion, who whinnied in protest.
"Sorry, bud!"
"Oh, great, apologize to the horse but not me?" I demanded as Jack aimed his remorse towards BD. He made a face at me and shut his hose off, coming back round to help finish washing BD. We worked in silence for a bit before I remembered why he came. "What news?"
"What what news?" Jack asked, looking confused. Then he recognized my question. "Oh, yeah! It's good news. Mr. Piperson chose a race for our buddy here." He patted BD on the rump, leaving behind a soapy handprint. "Oops."
I was too excited to mind. "What kind of race? When is it? Why's Piperson choosing instead of Willifred? How-"
"It's a maiden, seven furlongs, and Piperson likes to take special interest in different horses. BD's a personal favorite of his."
"Oh wow oh wow oh wow. This is fantastic!" I flung my arms around BD's neck, further soaking my shirt, but I didn't care. He was born and raised a racehorse, but now he was going to be one.
Jack looked pleased with my reaction. "It's pretty exciting. Anyways, I came to ask, would you like to help him with the starting gate? We can't get him in."
*****
There's not much I don't like about racing. The speed, the horses, some of the people....
But I don't like starting gates.
The instant I led BD up to the practice one the next day, I realized why he disliked starting gates. They were small, flimsy. And how was a horse supposed to reach full speed in that little box?
"Anna!" Jack snapped. "Your lead rope!"
I realized I'd dropped it and fumbled for it as BD fidgeted uncomfortably, one ear and one eye trained in the starting gate as he backed away. My footprints fell into his hoofprints on the newly raked track oval as I followed him, trying not to pull on his head. "Is a starting gate so necessary? Can't they make an exception or something for him?" I asked, nearly pleading.
BD was moving constantly enough to make me confused, but Jack, on his back, sat still and chilly, staring down at me. "No," he said. "They can't."
I glanced back at the gate. The front was closed and the back open, but that didn't make it inviting. "What if he jumps on me and crushes me against the front gate?"
Jack swore. "Anna! Just lead the horse through the gate!"
"I don't want to die," I retorted, relishing in how true that was. "And in the mood BD is in, that's a possibility."
"I'll open the gate all the way," Willifred offered. He'd been leaning against the rail, watching the process, but at my complaint he straightened and went to the starting gate and opened it all the way. "Better?"
I swallowed. I could still get crushed against the sides, or BD could rear and hit his head, or Jack's head. There were so many safety issues with the thing. "Yes."
Jack frowned at me. "Just lead him through. I have other colts to exercise after this episode."
"Thanks," I snapped, picking at a thread on the bottom of my shirt as I stared at the gate . BD pushed his muzzle anxiously against the shoulder and whuffed; his warm breath fluttered my hair and lent me a hint of comfort. "Here goes nothing, boy."
We walked up to the gate. I paused to let the massive stallion sniff gingerly at it, then strode through.
Instantly BD was backpedaling. I let out at cry of pain as his lead rope scraped open my long-healed rope burn, giving the air permission to sting my palm. I sucked in my breath. It burned.
"Whoa!" Jack called desperately as BD reared, striking out towards the gate. He leaned forwards and wrapped his arms around the stallion's neck as he remained suspended above the earth, getting back into normal position as BD met with the ground again. "What is your problem?"
"He doesn't like the gate!"
We argued for a few moments. "What's so frikkin scary about a gate? You just walk in and run out!"
"You could die in there!"
If Jack wasn't holding onto the reins of a thousand pound animal threatening to rear again, he would've thrown his hands in the air. Incredulity crossed his face. "Who looks at a starting gate and thinks, wow, I could die in there!?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but just then someone from behind me gripped my shoulder, then reached ahead and grasped at the clip beneath BD's chin, steadying the stallion. His eyes bugged but he stilled.
"I think," Willifred said softly, "that maybe you need to calm down before the horse is past reason."
"Thank you," I muttered.
"That goes for you as well, Anna. The horse is emoting."
"What?" Jack asked. But Willifred had released us both and stepped closer to BD, murmuring nonsense and stroking his neck softly. As I watched, BD began to relax, softening and lowering his neck. Once his ears flopped, Willifred returned his attention to Jack and I.
"Anna. No one has ever lost their life in a starting gate. I don't know where you got that idea, but give it back. Jack, what happened? You're usually so patient."
"It's a starting gate, for God's sakes. And I have other horses to ride."
"Just ride the horse you're on. You're not getting off until he goes through a gate," Willifred replied evenly. Jack huffed but remained silent. I shot a look at the gate. Why didn't they understand?
"And as for emoting." I snapped my attention back to Willifred. "Horses are more sensitive than any other animal. Humans have hunted them and hunted from their backs. They've built countries and won wars astride horses. Humans have changed the equine breed, for better or for worse I cannot say. This history could not have happened if none understood. Horses know what you're feeling. They're herd animals- if one horse is happy all horses are happy, because there's food and room to run and safety. If one is scared they're all scared, because that one is scared for a reason."
My voice was soft as I said, "so he trusts me enough to believe me when I think something is scary."
Willifred pointed at me with a sun-wrinkled finger. "Exactly."
I glanced back at Jack. "Sorry. I was being stupid."
Jack fiddled with the reins for a moment. "Sorry for being impatient," he finally amended.
"Now, Anna, take a deep breath and clear your mind. Calm down. You're just walking through a gate, like you do when you take the horses out to the fields."
I closed my eyes, putting a hand on BD's warm, reassuring neck. He sighed, and I sighed with him, trying to force myself to relax. Breathe in, breathe out....
Quietly, opening my eyes, I took the lead rope and walked slowly forwards, towards the gate. I looked past it, at the long, empty track ahead. We weren't going to the gate, we were going through it. And that made all the difference.
BD walked quietly through. I turned him around and we walked back through it, quietly. Quietly. A sense of victory permeated us, as though we were getting started, started, and a wild joy swept through me with the realization this horse was going to be something, finally.
Maybe it wasn't so hard to be happy after all.