Warning: Sad AF
Nat's POV
I wake early the next morning for a run on the beach, only to be met with Conrad sitting in the sand looking out at the water. I clear my throat approaching him, "Hey, what are you doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep, you?"
"Same I guess, I thought if I couldn't sleep I mine as well go for a run."
He nodded his head and I turned to be on my way, but before I could go any further he called out, "Ya know, you don't have to do keep doing whatever it is that you're doing."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"Covering up for my mistakes, keeping mom and Laurel off my back," he continued before I got the chance to intervene, "you're suffering too, I don't understand how you can continue to act as if everything is fine and handle it all so well."
I let out a small laugh and sit down by him, "I don't know if I'd go so far as saying everything is fine, but I don't know, I guess- I guess I've just been operating on auto-pilot since I found out. It's either that or I drown." we sit in silence for a moment, taking in our situation.
"And what if- what if it's too late and I've already drowned?" he spoke hesitantly.
"Well, then you've got me here to pull you back in," I say offering him a soft smile.
He lets out a frustrated sigh, "That's just it, Nat, that's not your job, it's mine," I put on a confused look as he continued, "When you found out, I was so upset with myself, I was supposed to protect you from the truth, to save you from feeling what I was feeling, but I couldn't," he paused this time letting out a frustrated laugh, "I couldn't because let's face the facts, you're not Jeremiah. You guys may share a birthday, and a lot- and I mean a lot, of the same personality traits, but you don't have that same blissful ignorance that he does. No, you're smart, and sometimes being smart come back to bite you in the ass," he again paused, "But I'm smart too, so you can't get your bullshit passed me, I see you. I saw how destroyed you were when you found out, and then- and then what, you wake up the next morning as if nothing happened? No, that's not normal, it's not just abnormal it's unhealthy. It's not your job to be ok, you're allowed to break too. So please, for the love of God, stop looking after me at your own expense."
I hadn't realized I was crying until I hurried to wipe away my tears, "Wow, uh- I didn't realize you felt that way."
"Yeah well, your'e my little sister, I notice things," we share a look of understanding. I lean my head on his shoulder and sit and look out to the sea. In that moment all that there is is me, my big brother, and the soft breeze blowing through our hair, and just for this moment, that is all that I need.
After a few moments pass I clear my throat, "I- uh, better get going on my run," I mutter.
He offers me a soft smile, a real smile, regardless of the fact that it is only for my own expense. With that, I turn to begin my run, noticing Belly approaching Conrad as I go. I offer her a smile and a wave and she gives the same in return. I turn away and begin to run at full force, allowing my thoughts to drift.
April
Two months left until Jere and I finish our junior year of High School, and one month until Conrad graduates, and everything is great. My swim team had just recently taken home state champs, and track season was in full swing. Jeremiah had just won prom king and was in his usual spot at the top of the social hierarchy. Conrad, well, Conrad was Conrad. He quit football, which I'll admit is a bit irregular, but he claimed he wanted to focus on his academics. He wasn't his usual fun-loving self either, no, he stopped going out with Jere and I, in fact, he rarely left the house. I was concerned of course, but he wouldn't let anyone in. Then there was my mom, the mother of all mothers. She was doing great, she was in full remission and I couldn't be happier. Life had been hard recently, unsure of what the future held for her. Hell, unsure of what the future held for myself, lord knows what I would do without her. But it was all ok now, she was ok. Dad, well dad was busy with work, typical. But I hardly cared, it was the woman and the children, just how we like it, as my mother put it. Truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way, it made the world feel right.
And that was that, everything was right in the world, until I had an away track meet, around an hour away to be exact. This wasn't just any match either, it was qualifiers for state. My mom had yet to miss a track meet, and she promised she would be there, and I had no reason to doubt her. That's why I was so confused when we were well into the meet and it was almost my event and I had yet to spot my mother. We were called to out marks and I snapped myself out of it, there had to be a good reason, all that mattered right now was that I focus on my event. The 400 meter hurdles were like riding a bike for me, yet I felt off my game without mom here. But nonetheless, I placed second. Second place, only time would tell if that would be enough to qualify. I again looked to the crowd for my mother, but was shocked to find Conrad instead. Like I said, he rarely left the house. He offered a smile and wave and I gave him a confused wave in return. I anxiously waited for the last match to finish to see if I qualified. It was a close call, but I made it through. I jumped in excitement and turned to find Conrad waiting with open arms. I ran to him and he lifted me up in a tight embrace, it was the first I saw him with a genuine smile in what felt like ages. "I did it, I did it, I did it," I exclaimed.
He laughed proudly, "I knew you could."
Only then did I recall the absence of my mother and turned to him with concern, "Connie, where's mom? She said she would be here."
"She wanted to be here, really she did. But she came down with something and had to stay home," he paused seeing my look of disappointment, "Well, it's more like I had to force her to stay home, she begged me to let her go because she knew how important it was, but I promised to go in her place and record the entire thing for her. She still protested, but she eventually gave in," seeing I was satisfied with this answer he continued, "So, what do you say we go get some ice cream."
Now I was smiling again, "Deal."
When I returned home that night I was glad to see mom was back to her usual self. She apologized profusely and made my favorite dinner. I forgave her of course and we spent the rest of dinner discussing my meet and how proud she was of me. I'll later look back and remember that as one of the last time I was blissfully unaware of the truth.
May
Mom had been showing up less and less for sporting events, and I grew more and more suspicious. There were only so many excuses that could be given. Yet through it all, Conrad backed her up and showed up in her place, so for awhile, I was satisfied. But when the State meet rolled around I wasn't sure I could let myself believe the lies anymore. But my mom showed up, so I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt, although my whole family was there, even dad. It was just nagging at me, because I knew my mom would never have a selfish reason on missing out on my life events, and I think that's what scared me the most.
Throughout the meet the more I tried to calm myself down, the more worked up I became. I was as if my brain was yelling at me to figure it out when I had no idea whatsoever it was referring to. It was like I was missing one, very obvious puzzle piece. Mom had been disappearing at rather convenient times when she thought none of us would notice. She'd been taking naps more often, something I had chalked up to a side effect of remission. Hell, now that I think about it, I had chalked many thing up to side effects of remission. My mom had even mentioned the possibility of Laurel coming around more in the future. I didn't question why at the time, happy to get the chance to see Laurel more often. I found myself playing with the pink ribbon I had used to tie my hair back, the same pink ribbon I had worn all throughout my mothers treatment during every sporting event. Despite where my thoughts were pointing me too, I determined that it was just my Generalized Anxiety Disorder messing with me again, yeah, that had to be it. I reminded myself to discuss returning to therapy with Mom that night, that would fix things.
As if on cue, Jere yelled my name from the fence, pulling me out of my trance. I jogged over to him, "Hey you're up next, you feeling ready?" he asked.
I sighed, "Yeah I think so."
Many call BS on the whole twin telepathy thing, but I swear Jere and I have got it, "Hey, don't worry," he spoke reassuringly, "Look, I know something has been on your mind lately, and whatever it is you can tell me ok. Remember the rule, no secrets between twins?"
I scoffed, "How could I forget?" we both paused, waiting for the other to speak, "Look, nothing is wrong, alright? I've just been overthinking lately, that's all."
He seemed unconvinced but said, "Alright if you say so, but forget about all that ok, you've got states to win," he spoke matter-of-factly, "break a leg out there,"
"Let's hope not," we both laughed before we did our special handshake (fist bump, salute, and a middle finger) we had made up in the sixth grade. He went to return to my family in the stands, well I went to line up at my mark.
What felt like an eternity had passed before the count down started, but when the pistol went off, I bolted. I was making great time, tuning out the rest of the world, the screaming of the crowd, all that existed was the hurtle in front of me. I wish it had stayed that way, but I let a single word cross my mind: cancer.I faltered. One second I was soaring through the air, my lungs burning from that cardio in the most beautiful way, and the next I was on the ground, confused why shock went throughout the crowd. It only took me a few moments to come to my senses, to notice the large gash in my leg, or the ribbon that had fallen from my hair that now lay in front of me, untethered. I was no longer struggling to breathe from the running, but from the sobs that racked my body. I let those around me believe it was due to my leg, due to the fact that I would be needing stitches from where the hurdle had cut me, and I said nothing to correct them. Instead I just cried harder when Mom reached me on the track, and held tightly to her, scared to let go.
In the weeks that followed I allowed those around me to believe my depressed state was a result of blowing states, I again made no attempt to correct them. Jere did what he could to try to cheer me up, made jokes about the irony of us saying 'break a leg' only for me to decide stitches seemed more fun. I did my best to seem amused for him, though it only went so far, he knew me too well. It began to get more difficult to deny the facts, though I tried. Because my mom would tell us if it came back, she would. Right?
One night I was home alone for the first time in ages, Jere had practice, Mom was at wine night, and Connie was at Aubrey's. I sat in my room staring at the ceiling, I couldn't do it anymore, I had to know the truth. So I walked into our home office and turned on the computer. After doing some digging, I found an encrypted file. I tried for what felt like ages to figure out the password, all of our birthdays, family tokens, anything, I sighed, close to defeat when I thought of one final idea. I held my breathe as I entered Laurel's birthday, if I wasn't looking for the information that I was, I would've cheered when it worked, but instead I let out a small laugh: typical Laurel and Beck. I focused back on the task at hand and began to look around. Almost immediately I wished that I hadn't, I wished I'd stayed in the dark. Nothing I had imagined had been this bad. The cancer wasn't just back, it was winning. I exed out of the file and shut down the computer before I even let my brain process what I had read.
When I did process it, I did the only thing I could think of, I ran. I ran until I thought I might just pass out, and then I ran some more. I only stopped when I thought I might be sick, and I was. After I let out my dinner into a bush, I sat down at a picnic table and tried to think of what to do. I was in shock, but one thing I knew is that I couldn't tell my brothers, I couldn't be the one to destroy their worlds. Jeremiah, he wouldn't be able to take it, granted I couldn't either, but I didn't have a choice in the matter. And then there was Conrad, Conrad was already struggling. My thoughts halted- did he know? No, he would have told us, or would he? Damnit of course he wouldn't, he knew.
I was on my feet and running again, this time with a destination in mind. I came to a halt at the doorway, hesitating before giving in and knocking the door. I must have looked how I felt, as before I even got the chance to speak Aubrey's mom was yelling for Conrad with concern laced in her voice. When I was face to face with Conrad, alone on the porch, my reaction surprised me. I was angry, no take that back, I was livid. I shoved at his chest as hard as I could yelling, "How could you, how could you keep this from me. She's dying, Con, she's dying and I didn't even know," we both knew I was angry with myself and not him, hell I hadn't planned to tell anyone either, but he just stood there and took my hits. He took the hits until it was just me sobbing into his chest, pleading that I was sorry.
"Shh, I know, I know," he was crying too now, "It's going to be ok." Neither of us believed that, but neither of us said anything opposing it, we were far too tired.
Conrad ran inside to grab his keys and he drove us home. We sat in that car for who knows how long in silence before I broke it, "We can't tell Jere, it will break him," I spoke with a sore voice from crying.
"I know." was all that Conrad said.
With that I got out of the car, walked inside, walked to my room, and went to bed. When I woke the next morning, it was as if nothing had happened. I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek and told her how excited I was for the best Summer in Cousins yet. She smiled, and I smiled back, even though all I wanted to do was cry.
Conrad was worried about me, I could tell. He was worried by how ok I was being, but I wouldn't crack. My family needed me, they all did, and I wouldn't fail them.
Today
As I continued to run down the beach I decided to take a break and sit for a minute. As I sat looking out at the ocean, racing my finger over the scar on my leg that the stitches had left, I felt small. So I cried, cried until I couldn't anymore. When I was done I wiped my eyes, and ran home to get breakfast started before Mom woke up.