Even though we didn't need it, Jerr had bothered to put on some lights before he sat down opposite me. The white reflections of the lamp next to us bounced off his abdomen and his arms, curving the shadows around his muscled tone.
His posture was slugged and relaxed, but he had a stern expression on his face, indicating he was ready to hear me out. I cleared my throat, catching myself gazing at his figure, before I began speaking. I wouldn't even try to pretend Jerr hadn't noticed.
"I was working tonight," I began when Jerr signaled me to begin talking. He'd offered me a glass of water, which I took a sip from every now and then, to clear the dryness in my throat. In between the working and serving pints, I hadn't been able to drink much for myself. "In the part of town where supposedly no wolves ever come."
"Supposedly?" Jerr asked curiously.
"Yes. And the last few weeks have shown that to be true. That's why it really piqued my interest when tonight, three wolves walked in, looking unnerved."
Knowing my story had something to do with this Shadowed Death, Jerr altered his seating, and leaned forward in his chair. His untamed waves of brown edged his face, masking the tiredness that was slowly leaving his features. But even the barely noticeable dark circles around his eyes, didn't dull the fierce greenness of them.
"They went to one of the booths in the back, and they were speaking in hushed voices the entire night. I wasn't able to hear all of their conversation, but I got some snippets out of it. I couldn't make much sense of it, but I'm hoping and guessing you can."
Jerr nodded. "Well, then. Let's have it."
I replayed their conversation in my head as I told Jerr what I'd heard. He didn't interrupt me once. "They were talking about the Shadowed Death, how it's slimming down their forces. They looked very on edge, as Talek described it. They were so tense, they didn't even smell me out when I came to take their orders. They didn't really seem to know who or what this Shadowed Death is, but one of them seemed to think Aven is somehow involved. Another one didn't agree with this, but they all did agree that it would be very bad if he were, since he's the Alpha. They didn't stay in the bar for very long, as the first one ran out as soon as the other ones got on his nerves. They followed quickly after."
Jerr stayed quiet for a short moment, pondering what I'd just told him. "You said it's slimming down their forces?"
It. "Yes," I answered. "At least, that's what I heard."
"Do you have any idea what they meant by their forces?"
I shook my head. "Maybe they clarified that in a part of their conversation I wasn't able to listen to."
"Okay," he said quietly. He leaned back in his chair, his eyes staring intently at me. He shifted in his seat a few times, as if he somehow couldn't get comfortable.
"What is it?" I asked.
He lightly clenched his teeth before he answered. "I need to ask something of you. And I hate that I have to do it."
"What are you talking about?"
He sighed, leaning back in his chair. His hand went up to his eyes, rubbing out his concerns, or his lingering tiredness. "I need to look inside your mind."
"I just told you everything I heard. Why would you need to listen to my thoughts again?" I asked, confused. Didn't he trust me?
"No, no, I do trust you," he objected. So he was already inside of my head, peeking in. "But I need to see."
"What do you mean?"
"We don't really have the time to get into the intricacies of how my gift works, but there's a difference between hearing one's thoughts, and seeing their memories. When you're thinking, your thoughts are at the top surface of your mind, so to speak. Especially if your thoughts are loud, it's quite easy for me to hear them. It doesn't take me any effort, it's like hearing someone talk from across the room. But there's sort of a ruse on the voice. It's hard to explain. But to be able to see a memory, to look at it, I have to dig deeper in your mind."
"And you want to see the men I saw tonight?"
He nodded. "I wouldn't ask this of you if it weren't important."
I also leaned back in my chair, uneasy, and crossing my legs. How Jerr was acting was making me feel nervous. "Why are you making such a big deal of it, if you do it all the time, anyway?"
"Because it won't be the same as when I'm just listening to what you're already yelling at me. I will have to dig into your mind, into you. It won't be pleasant for you, not at all. Your instincts will kick in, trying to drown me out, but you won't be able to. Especially not when you're untrained. But even then, I'm too strong. You will feel suffocated and powerless. But it won't be pleasant physically, either."
"How, exactly, do you mean?"
Jerr shrugged his shoulders. "It's not the same for everyone, but most people describe it as a pressing pain, something knocking at their skull. The worst cases I've heard, people said it felt like their head was about to explode."
I had never heard of this. I knew the basics of how the different powers worked. Father had taken the time a few years ago to teach me, but how could he have left out this part of Wise Moon's powers?
"Because we don't usually do it this way," Jerr answered.
"There's another way to do this?" I asked, baffled. Why would he be so set on hurting me, if there was another option?
"There is. I'm trained to do it without being noticed. That's the real danger of Wise Moon, we can get to the deepest parts of you, without you even batting an eye."
"Then why not do it that way?"
Jerr sighed again. "Because I don't want to ever be in your mind without you knowing about it. I don't want to start tonight, and risk making a habit out of it."
"That's disturbingly kind," I admitted. "But I'd know tonight that you're inside my head."
"I suppose. But it would still feel wrong of me to dig around, without you knowing exactly what I'm seeing, and without you being able to explicitly tell me when enough's enough. I also don't want to experience how easy it would be for me to get to the deepest parts of you. I'm not sure I'd be able to resist doing it again if you ever shut down on me."
"Why would I ever shut down on you?" I hadn't always let him in, that was true. But that was not the same as shutting him out, right?
Jerr looked away for a moment before he said, "You did on the night of the Wolf Moon. You did it as well after Dexter's execution, when you lied about feeling fine and then left me here to make sense of the pieces you'd left. Moments like that, they make me want to misuse my powers on you. That is my instinct as a Wise Moon, after all. And our powers are known to be addicting. So I don't want to risk it, not now."
I contemplated it for a short while, but just like Jerr - in his own twisted way - didn't want to cross any of my boundaries, I didn't want to force him to do something he was clearly opposed to. "Alright, then," I said, my voice trembling a little bit.
Jerr nodded and scooped forward in his seat, positioning himself closer to me. My skin tingled when his hand touched my knee, but I got too nervous to really notice any of it. "You'll know once I'm inside," he began explaining. "It won't feel natural, it will be threatening. Your instincts will take over, and your entire being will try to force me out. I need you to be prepared for that feeling. Because I won't be able to stop until I've seen what I needed to see."
He looked at me, his green eyes filled with concern. I nodded my head, a signal to him I understood what he was asking of me.
"It will be easier and quicker if you can think about tonight's events. If the memory is actively playing in your mind, it shouldn't take me any time at all to find it."
I exhaled a big breath of air, trying to clear the nerves out of my system. Both his hands now rested on my legs, lightly caressing the area around my knees. Trying to soothe me, but with what he'd just told me, I was guessing even those kind gestures wouldn't help calm me down for what was to come. "I'm ready," I finally said, knowing I'd probably never be ready for an invasion like this.
I got the image of the three men entering the bar in my head. And before I knew it, I felt him. But he wasn't looking in my mind, no. No, he was taking over. He was looking through me.
This was wrong. It was wrong. I could think of nothing else but the banging against my skull, as if my brain itself was trying to escape his grip on me.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. This was dangerous. He was taking over. He was taking control. He was making me his, he was taking away my self.
I couldn't breathe. Get out. Get out. Get out.
I stumbled out of the chair, to the ground. Gasping for air. Give me my lungs back. Give me my body back.
But his presence never left. His ghost was still shadowing every corner of my mind. My head was too full. There was no room here for him, he had to leave. He had to go. Go. Go.
"Sari, think about the men you saw tonight," Jerr begged me. His arms were supporting me, he'd pulled me up from the ground, into his embrace. His warmth surrounded me, but it still felt cold. "Sari, please," he pleaded. "Think of their hair, the sound of their voices, their smells. What was it like right before they entered? Please, think of the memory. Make this easier for me, for both of us."
But I wouldn't make this easier for him. No. I would fight. I would fight him. In a panic, I crawled out of his arms, away from him. But he didn't leave. No, he was still here. His presence was still dominating every ounce of me, telling me I couldn't win. I was his if he wanted to.
But then, why didn't he do it? Why didn't he take control?
My eyes shot up from the ground, and they locked on his. The piercing green color, filled with guilt and sorrow. Why wasn't he taking over? What was he waiting for?
"Sari, please try to get the image of the men in front of you." His voice was trembling a bit. Was he weakening?
No, that couldn't be. He felt powerful as ever in my head.
"I don't want to dig around. Don't make me do that. But I have to see," he said, scooching closer to me. I let him.
He wasn't taking over, because he wasn't trying to hurt me. Was he?
But why did it hurt so much, then? Why was this feeling so wrong?
"It won't feel natural, it will be threatening. Your instincts will take over, and your entire being will try to force me out. I need you to be prepared for that feeling. Because I won't be able to stop until I've seen what I needed to see." I heard him say it again. I saw him say it again - a memory. A memory, still fresh as day since it had only happened mere moments ago.
He wasn't trying to hurt me. No, this was Jerr. He had never hurt me. Not physically, at least. He wouldn't begin now.
"You're calming down," he noticed.
He was right. My lungs were gaining their control back, filling with air at a normal pace. My head, however, still felt overcrowded.
I needed to show him. He needed to see.
I thought of the three men. Of their aggravated stance. I thought of how I smelled them out when they entered - their scent, the sound of their voices. The words they exchanged. Even though the memory was a bit clouded, I could see it. And I could sense Jerr seeing it, too. He saw them the same way I did, he saw them through my eyes.
And just like that, he was gone. My mind was free again.
"It's done, I'm out," Jerr said. Our eyes were still locked on each other. "Are you okay?"
"No," I answered.