THE LIFE AND DEATH OF STEPHANIE BROWN
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TW: major character death (not in detail) lots of angst, lots of fluff, there's like one instance where sexual assault is mentioned but its barely even a sentence and it doesn't happen to the main characters, blood, parents being bad parents, abusive undertones from superiors
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"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars"
Kahlil Griban
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"Scars are just another kind of memory."
M.L. Stedman
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"My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present."
Steve Goodier
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"This is an anthem for the homesick
For the beaten
The lost, the broke, the defeated
A song for the heartsick
For the standbys
Living life, in the shadow of the goodbye
Do you remember when we learned how to fly?
We'd play make-believe
We were young and had time on our side
You're stuck, on the ground
Got lost, can't be found
Just remember that you're still alive"
Battle Scars, Paradise City
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There's something magical about the stars. Majestic, even. How they shine so bright even on the darkest of nights, not to be hidden or outdone by the clouds and the moon. How they light the path through the world, for all the children to stare up at in wonder and the innocent hope that only a child could produce. How the creative look up and see stories, how the scientific look up and see a world worth exploring. Yes. The stars are truly a sight to see.
Stephanie misses the stars of the past, sometimes. The stars from her old home. Sure, the stars here are brighter, more pronounced. More beautiful. Because this world was not yet tainted like hers was. It was new, happier. Hopeful.
And yet, she still aches for the ones she used to stare up at. The ones covered in fog and almost drowning in the bright lights of the city. Where only the brightest could be seen in the disgusting city that was Gotham.
Because despite the fact that those stars often were hidden, she knew they were there. And she knew, each night, that Tim was staring up at those very same stars.
But not anymore.
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"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
Sarah Williams
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"Okay, I'm absolutely positive that's not how it works." Tim said, laughing.
Steph quirked an eyebrow, "Are you sure, boyfriend wonder? I think it'll work."
Tim shook his head. "No. No way."
Steph grinned, letting go of the balloon string and watching in sadness as it immediately sunk to the floor.
"Toooold you." Tim crowed, smirking.
"Yeah, yeah. You were right." Steph rolled her eyes. "Ya gonna tell me what I did wrong?"
Tim walked over to her and picked up the balloon, "2 things. Firstly, the watch is too heavy to be lifted by just one balloon. You'd need, like, 9 more to get it to float, at least. Secondly, you used your own breath to fill up the balloons. You needed to use helium. Balloons won't float if the air density inside of them is larger than the air density of the room."
"Huh." Steph said. "Impressive, Timmy."
Tim just smiled at her, kissing her cheek.
Their moment was interrupted by a familiar beeping of Tim's comm.
Tim sighed, looking over at his girlfriend apologetically.
"I'll make it up to you, I promise," he whispered.
Steph smiled. "I know, boyfriend wonder. You always do. Now, go save Gotham."
Tim nodded, kissed her once more, and disappeared out the window.
...
The next day at school, Tim came in sporting a decently hidden limp if you didn't know him well. And seeing as how only two people actually knew him (Steph and Ives) nobody noticed.
"Are you okay?" Steph whispered at lunch, glancing over at her boyfriend in worry.
Tim nodded, smiling at her. "Yeah, just tripped going down the stairs. I'll be fine."
His eyes said I'll tell you later.
Ives snorted. "Only you. You're so clumsy sometimes, dude."
Tim laughed along with him, squeezing Steph's hand.
...
That night, Tim would tell her that he was stopping a mugger on his patrol route when the mugger hit his leg with a large pipe and left a big bruise.
"Where was Batman?" she'd asked.
"Taking a different route." Tim whispered, glancing away.
Steph had been angry when she heard that. Her hatred of the big Bat grew a little more.
...
It was raining. The harsh kind of rain only Gotham could have, and Scarecrow was on the loose.
She hadn't seen or heard from Tim all night and Steph was worried.
He always checked up with her when either of them was patrolling. 3 times. Always.
So for him to skip doing so?
Something was off.
So, she called Oracle. Rules be damned.
"What is it, Spoiler?" Oracle asked.
Spoiler had been a part of the team for a few months now and she still only knew Tim's identity. Everyone else was hiding their's. It was disappointing, but expected.
Batman was known for his paranoia, after all.
"Where's Tim?" she got straight to the point. Usually, Steph liked to make small talk, and be her usual extroverted self. But not this time. Not any time she thought Tim was in trouble.
Oracle was silent for a moment before sighing.
"He got hit by Fear Toxin. The antidote isn't working and the new one will take a few hours to be ready."
Steph blanched, her breath picking up. "And nobody thought to tell me?!" she snapped, gazing out the window as the rain pelted against the glass. Usually she loved to sit and watch the rain. She found it peaceful, watching the individual drips of water leak down the window sill, taking their own paths, making new ones. She loved it especially when two raindrops conjoined, as if they were meant to.
Cliche, sure. But Steph had always been a bit of a fan of the cliche, and soulmates were her favorite kind.
"Identities, S." Oracle sounded regretful.
"Am I really that untrustworthy? Even after more than a year of knowing you guys? After being Tim's best friend for so long?" Steph felt her voice crack and cleared her throat.
Oracle sighed. "I'm sorry, Spoiler. But, there's been a new development in our identities. Batman isn't very trusting, you know that, and it's the kind of thing that he doesn't want anyone to know."
"Right. Sure." Steph mumbled. "Just... tell me when Tim's awake and ask him to call me?"
"Of course." Oracle whispered.
Steph disconnected the comm and sunk to the floor.
The rain continued to patter against the window. Ironic, how, the thing she used to love so much is now a physical reminder of all the things bad in the world.
She tried not to take it as a sign of what's to come.
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"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Vivian Greene
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"Stephie?" a familiar voice whispered, appearing beside her.
Steph scrambled up, turning to throw her arms around Tim's shoulders.
"Don't ever do that again." she muttered, burrowing her face in his neck.
Tin kissed the top of her hair, "I'll try."
Steph frowned, but didn't say anything, knowing that Tim wouldn't be able to promise anything.
Tim's father had just woken up from his coma.
And Tim was so happy. It made Steph smile, despite how much she hated Jack Drake, knowing her love had another chance at a decent parent.
She wasn't expecting it to be perfect, but she did hope Jack got the stick out of his ass enough to actually be a father to Tim.
If he wasn't...
Well, let's just say she would need a place to hide a body without getting caught.
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"Steph, I want you to meet my father." Tim said, glancing over at her as the movie on screen rolled to credits.
Steph jolted, whipping her head around in surprise.
"I... already met your father?"
(It, as expected, did not go well.)
"That was years ago." Tim said, grabbing one of her hands and squeezing. "And we weren't dating then. He's better now, Stephie, I promise."
Steph blinked, disbelief echoing in her brain. It wasn't that she didn't believe him. Tim would never willingly lie to her about this. In fact the only thing he'd ever lied to her about was Robin (and technically it wasn't lying, he just happened to never mention the fact that he was Robin, ya know, omitting the truth and all that jazz), and it was because he was so very loyal to Batman. It was just...
Will Tim did have an innocent sort of trust in everyone he met. She loved him for it, honestly, it was one of her favorite things about him, but. Sometimes. Sometimes he puts his trust in the wrong person.
It breaks him every time the inevitable betrayal happens.
And Steph has to watch as he shuts down just a bit more, his usual clear blue eyes darkening, the smile not coming to his face as quickly and brightly as it used to.
She doesn't ever want to see what happens when his eyes don't gain that light back.
Steph doesn't think she'd be able to handle it.
But she'll always be with him through it all, thick and thin.
Maybe that's a bit much for a 15 year old, but she knows okay? She knows she will never love someone as much as she loves this shy, blue eyed boy. They're like swallows. They mate for life. Dramatic, she'll admit, but she's never been one for being, in her humble opinion, boring.
So she says yes. Of course I'll meet your father.
Of course.
...
The meeting with Tim's father went better than she expected. It was obvious the man was angry. Really angry; but not at her. He was just angry at his situation. It was understandable, Steph would hate to be stuck in a wheelchair too. And he tried his best to control his temper and be polite to her.
He was still incredibly patronizing, but you can't always win, Steph supposes.
And it was really nice, seeing Tim so happy. He deserves to have a parent, Steph thinks. More than anyone else in the world.
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"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."
Mitch Albom
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She's taken to keeping a journal.
It helps, ya know? With all the pain in the world, all those secrets that she can't bring herself to speak aloud, for fear it will awaken demons she can't deal with yet, everything she's been through, all the memories.
It helps get them out of her head.
Drawing, she finds, is the easiest way.
Art has always been fascinating to Steph. She loved it when Tim took her to museums and let her just wander around in awe, appreciating all the strokes of those of the past. Imagining what went on in their heads as their brush flit across the canvas.
She never thought that she'd be as good as they were. Never even imagined a world where art could be more than something she'd just look at.
Steph guesses she just didn't have the right muse at the time.
But now? Watching Tim and Ives laugh over some meme they found on the internet.
Well, she supposes her muse was right in front of her the whole time.
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"If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you: I am here to live out loud."
Emile Zola
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Going out as Spoiler was one of the most freeing things Steph ever had the pleasure of doing. Flying through the air, feeling the wind rush through her hair, Gotham's gross buildings silhouetted against the dark sky. It was like... like the cage that choked her let up on the pressure on her chest -just a bit. But a bit is enough.
Now, she sat, having just saved some poor boy -just a few years older than herself- from a drunken older woman, on the ledge of one of the buildings, feet dancing in the air, thoughts drifting up with the clouds.
A lone, bright star was shining in the sky, the only one to not be smothered by the smog. Steph stared up at it, its bright light causing a small smile to form on her face.
She wondered, briefly, if her mother was looking at that star too, over at the building she was staying in for rehab.
She hopes so.
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"She was not able to return to the beginning, of course, and remake her life more to her liking, but now she was free to go on with the life she did have."
Janet Campbell Hale
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Their first fight, like, actual full-blown fight was the week after Steph met Tim's father.
Sure, they'd argued before. Everyone does, and avoiding talking about things is unhealthy; it's why they promised to never keep secrets from each other.
And they never did - until Batman came into the picture.
Thinking back on it, she couldn't even remember what started the fight. All she remembers was what she was feeling, and how it ended.
With Tim running away, leaving her on the rooftop, tears in her eyes.
Later, he'd come back, and hug her around the waist, whispering apologies under his breath. Later, they'd talk it through - communicate - and forgive one another.
But then? She could only think of one thing...
Batman was ruining them.
And Steph didn't know how to stop it.
But by God would she try.
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"True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience.""
Oprah Winfrey
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The first time she met someone on Tim's team, it was some weird, smokey, shadowy girl who attacked her because 1. She was dating Tim. 2. She mentioned in her journal being a little hurt that she didn't know the bat's identities and how she would try to figure them out.
How was she supposed to know that Greta (she'd learn later that day) would take that to mean that Steph didn't know Tim's identity and was trying to invade his privacy and be angry about it? Honestly, why was she even reading Steph's journal in the first place? "Invasion of privacy." This coming from the girl who broke into Steph's home because of jealousy. The hypocrisy is real in this one.
Not only that, but Greta obviously knew Tim knew Stephanie's identity. How would it be fair for him to know her identity but not for her to know his?
Don't know if it was obvious or anything but Steph really didn't like Greta. She was sympathetic to the girl's situation, sure, but why would that be an excuse to be a bitch?
Steph was allowed to be a little peeved, okay?
The rest of the team was freaking awesome though.
She'd work on getting along better with Greta (per Tim's request) and become friends with all of them.
Besides, it was kind of nice knowing more kids that were just as protective of Tim as she was.
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"A Friend Like You. A friend like you is like no other friend. A friend like you is a friend I don't regret meeting. A friend like you is like a friend I can't scream at or fight with. A friend like you is like having no worries in my life. A friend like you is a friend that I don't want to lose. A friend like you is like being in comfort all day. A friend like you is a friend I always wanted. A friend like you is awesomely, awesome. A friend like you is random and funny. A friend like you is a friend that I love to death and I will never let go. A friend like you is a friend I can tell all my secrets to. A friend like you... A friend like you is like the little sister I've always wanted. A friend that I can go to to tell them what's wrong. A friend like you is like having no dark days because you brighten them up. A friend like you is a friend that opens up my eyes and helps me avoid bad things. A friend like you is a type of friend that laughs at dumb things I say or do. A friend like you is a friend I am proud to call my best friend..."
Unknown to me
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Learning the Bats' true identities was truly the one thing that stopped Steph from falling off the edge of the planet. Before, her only friend was Tim, and by extension Ives. Before, when she had a problem - specifically related to the female body, or even her boyfriend - she had no one to really go to. At least, no one who really truly understood.
But that was before she met Cass.
Because Cass understood her. Maybe not in the exact way, but Cass could read her, and their experiences, while not comparable in severity, were very similar. It helped, also, that they both knew Tim incredibly well, and Cass was the unbiased third party that could make them both see how stupid they were being when they argued.
It was great.
But how, exactly, did they meet?
Well, it was mostly Tim's fault, but that wasn't the story they'd later tell to Bruce, who was very upset that Steph had learned who they were. Because all three of them knew that Bruce was not as kind to Tim as he was to Cass, so Cass took the blame.
It made Steph like her 10x more than any of the other bats.
Tim had, unsurprisingly, gotten hurt yet again. And, yet again, Batman was nowhere near him. Nightwing was at Bludhaven, blah blah blah. So, like usual, Steph had thought he had no backup.
Oracle had contacted her, explaining that Tim was hurt, but that Steph shouldn't worry. (Honestly, the only reason the computer-genius had even bothered was because Steph had blackmailed them into telling her whenever Tim was hurt. She might not be as smart as the rest of them, but she certainly wasn't an idiot, and blackmail is really easy to come across when you know your enemy.) Steph, of course, had not listened. How was she supposed to know that Tim did have backup? It's not like any of them ever went into detail about anything. Steph didn't realize that the "New Bat" as she'd taken to calling the mysterious shadow was still in the city. It was a simple accident.
So, there she was, running towards her boyfriend, who was clutching his bloodied arm, trying to wrap it up in gauze with his other hand and teeth. Trying being the key word. She was almost to him when she found herself flying in the air, a heavy weight wrapped around her stomach and holding her arms to her side.
"Black Bat!" Tim shouted, voice strained, "She's an ally!!"
The weight immediately disappeared and Stephanie found herself staring up at a mask covered face. Steph used the hand offered by the powerful stranger to stand, letting go and making her way to her stupid boyfriend once she was settled safely on her feet.
"You idiot!" Steph snapped, taking the wrap, now soaked in blood, off his arm to assess his injury, trying to be as gentle as possible.
"Sorry," Tim hissed out through clenched teeth, sweat dripping down his brow. "Spoiler, meet Black Bat. She's the newest vigilante."
Steph raised her hand in an awkward wave, not letting her gaze falter from Tim's wound as she used a med kit in her uniform to begin to clean up the blood.
A few minutes later, Steph was leading Tim and Black Bat to her apartment, where she safely deal with Tim's wound and figure out what the fuck was happening.
As soon as they were through the door, Black Bat was taking off her costume, revealing a beautiful girl around their age, eyes wide with curiosity as she took in the main entrance.
Steph's jaw dropped. "Cassandra Cain?"
Tim sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. "Um... Oops?"
Cassandra, seeing nothing wrong with the major bomb she just dropped on Steph, wandered over to the bookshelf, picking up a random book and flipping through its pages.
"But that means..." Stephanie trailed off, eyes widening. "That... Bruce Wayne is Batman?"
Tim winced, chuckling nervously.
"Oh my God." Steph whispered, beginning to pace. "Dick Grayson is Nightwing, isn't he? And... Jason. He was the Robin before you. The one that disappeared... Or died? I guess. Sense Jason is dead. It wasn't a car crash, was it? But how -or I guess who would be a better way to phrase it-"
"Steph, I love you, and we can definitely talk later, but I really need this sewed up." Tim said, holding out his hurt hand.
Steph nodded, as if her whole world wasn't currently imploding, grabbing her first aid kit and cleansing the needle. "Right. Right, open wound. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Absolutely."
Apparently, later that week, after Oracle found out Stephanie knew about the Bats' and their identities, she saw no reason to hide hers, introducing herself as Barbara Gordon. Suffice is to say, Steph's brain almost imploded.
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"Women helped each other in ways small and large every day, without thinking, and that was what kept them going even when the world came up with new and exciting ways to crush them."
Alyssa Cole
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So, she and Cass became best friends, Babs became her mentor and Batman still sucked.
Tim had been working more during the night, but Steph felt better knowing her boyfriend had more backup now that Cass (she's so cool, an absolute badass) was watching his back.
All in all, life was pretty good, couldn't' be happier.
Then Tim's father threatened Batman and in one great swoop Tim was no longer Robin.
That's when things really got complicated.
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"When all things go bad, do not think so badly about all things, instead think about the things that made all things bad and change something!"
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
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So... um...
Listen.
Listen. Alright.
She really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY did not ever plan on becoming Robin.
But Tim's large puppy eyes and pout were really quite the nuclear weapon, honestly, and he convinced her pretty quickly when he pulled them out of his armory.
She really didn't stand a chance against it.
So it was his fault, obviously.
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"If you wish others to believe in you, you must first convince them that you believe in them."
Harvey Mackay
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Other than the obvious boredom and need to be protecting people, Tim handled not being Robin anymore decently.
Especially after he convinced Steph to be Robin in his place.
The conversation went a bit like this...
Stephanie had climbed into Tim's bedroom that night, dead set on getting the cuddles she'd been promised yesterday because she was tired, dammit, and wanted to be held by the person she loves.
Instead of finding him waiting for her with one of his warm sweaters, she instead found him holding out what appeared to be a feminine version of the Robin suit.
Already she knew that this would not and could not end well.
Tim seemed to know exactly what she was thinking and beat her to the punch.
"Now, I know what you're thinking," he started, "but hear me out."
Steph blinked, jaw dropped in disbelief at the nerve of this boy.
"Tim, no!" she whined, eyes widening in what she hoped was convincing enough for him to drop the subject.
Alas, Tim is nothing if not incredibly stubborn.
Fuck.
"Batman needs a Robin, Stephie. He'll work himself to death if he doesn't have a partner." Tim starts, saying words Steph had heard a billion times before.
"Fucker deserves it." Steph muttered under her breath. Tim either didn't hear or chose to ignore her. Rude.
"You are the only one I trust to take over for me." Tim continued, pulling out the big guns and jutting his lip out in a pout. "Please Steph? Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please????"
Let it be known that Steph has never been good at telling Timmy no. Usually it involved staying up to the wee hours of the night talking or watching movies or that one time Tim convinced her to attend a ball with him and she spent weeks learning how to waltz. But nevertheless.
She tried, okay? But he brought out the puppy-dog eyes, and after that she was done for.
So that's how she found herself trailing behind Batman, trying not to roll her eyes at the broodiness of this GROWN MAN, honestly, how did he never grow out of the teen angst years? It was fucking annoying, good greif.
Tim owed her so many cookies for doing this.
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"As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course."
Martin Luther King Jr
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She celebrated her 16th birthday surrounded by everyone she loves.
She couldn't ask for anything but their love.
And maybe a new sketchbook... she'd already filled up her other three.
And more Alfred in her life. Honestly, that man is an angel living amongst men and he makes an amazing creme brulee.
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"I have learned that to be with those I like is enough"
Walt Whitman
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She'd only been Robin for a few months when her first mass-arkham break out occurred.
They should have expected it, honestly. Gotham's underground had gone oddly quiet and secretive, leaving the bats with little to do and suspicion on their mind.
But, on February 4th, 10 Rogues broke out of Arkham.
...
They were spread thin. Nightwing (and she would never get over the fact that he was Dick Grayson, holy shit) had arrived in Gotham just in the nick of time, and Tim had donned his old suit to help save the masses.
It was because they were spread so thin that nobody realized that Steph had disappeared until it was too late.
...
Of all the rogues she was expecting to be her downfall, her own father was so far down the list he didn't even make it on the mental final draft.
That was certainly not going to be happening again.
Of course, when she was thinking those words, she didn't know just how true they would be.
...
It hurt, obviously.
Dying usually did.
She didn't know if the hurt was more psychological than physical, but she didn't much care.
She wouldn't give the despicable man she used to call dad the knowledge that his betrayal hurt her as deeply as it did.
...
She woke up in a bright room, with rainbows on the wall, flowers growing all around and a general sense of calm surrounding her.
This, she supposes, is Heaven.
...
She just wishes she'd gotten to say goodbye to Tim.
He would certainly blame himself.
Steph is glad that she got to live life to the fullest, though, and although she didn't experience everything on her list, she did get to know what falling in love and having a family was like.
And honestly?
That was more than enough.
...
She met a beautiful woman named Dealla.
Dealla quite literally threw what she knew about her life (or afterlife, she supposes) into the garbage and spat on it.
She wasn't sure how to feel about it honestly.
A new beginning, she guesses.
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"Broke again? Damn you can never be broken. You can fall, you can get bruises, but you can never be broken. You're living, breathing, and the best example for yourself. You're made of galaxies, atoms, fire, and so much more. Never underestimate the magic in you. The light inside you can never be handled by the moths. It's never your mistake, it's the eyes that are blind to see the love in your eyes, it's the hearts that don't understand how your heart beats for them, it's the ears that can't hear the screams you try to raise to make them listen and it's the soul that's never able to comprehend the message you sent to them."
Hareem Ch
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"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
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"Scars. A sign that you had been hurt. A sign that you had healed."
Benjamin Alire Sáenz
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"I'll carry you home
No, you're not, alone
Keep marching on
This. Is. Worth. fighting for
You know we've, all got battle scars
You've had enough
But just don't, give up
Stick to your guns
You. Are. Worth. Fighting for
You know we've, all got battle scars
Keep marching on"
Battle Scars, Paradise City
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chapter 2 & 3 will be published as soon as I write them
I really had fun with all the quotes, y'all. It was lots of fun.
PLEASE let me know if I'm missing any TWs so I can add them.