Two days later
Alberto's POV
So the weekend went by really slowly—so slowly, it made me kind of mad. I don't understand why time goes so much slower when I'm really impatient for something.
Whatever. Either way, I made good use of the time to myself, because I have a plan now.
I thought about it, and there's no way I can look in Luca's journal. I'd feel super guilty, and besides, it might ruin our friendship.
So I came up with another plan.
Since Luca's journal is all about his crush, he writes in there when he's thinking of them. Right? And since the road trip was practically a romance fest for both of us, he should have plenty of stuff to write about—if the crush happens to be me.
See where I'm going with this?
All I have to do is keep a really close eye on Luca this week. I'll have to be sneaky, and keep watch during even the most unexpected times.
... Wow. I guess I really am a secret spy.
Anyways, I'm super sure this will work. Not to mention he's been with his family the whole weekend, in a place where he can't take his journal with him; I can imagine he's been waiting to write in it this whole time.
So I just need to be as patient as I can, and secretly watch Luca's every move, until I have something to work with.
Then, finally, I can figure out what to do with my sickness—if I want to cure myself somehow, or if I want to keep it... for Luca.
So, that's my plan. Easy-peasy.
Except, it probably won't be easy at all.
* * *
Later on, after we leave the beach and have lunch, Giulia steps out to deliver fish... which gives me the perfect time to go through with my plan!
Luca's in our room right now. I'm standing out in the hallway like an idiot, trying to prepare myself.
I can only imagine how it'll go.
———
"Sooo, Luca," I'll say as casually as possible while walking up to him. I'll hold my hands behind my back and give him a smile he can't possibly ignore. "I notice you're writing in your journal a lot more often. I'm your best friend and you should definitely tell me your secrets in that journal."
"The truth is, Alberto," he'll say, hearts appearing in his eyes, "that I am in love with you and not some ugly girl from school, because girls are gross. Also, you definitely have gotten more muscles and you're the tallest kid in Portorosso for sure."
———
I smile. "Oh yeah. Wait—no!" I reach up and grab my hair in fistfuls. "No, Alberto. What is wrong with you? This is what happens when you listen to Bruno."
I let go of my hair and take a deep breath. Then I lower my voice to where I can barely hear myself.
"Just act casual. Don't give in to your sickness. Don't think about kissing Luca or sending every girl who likes him to another country. Just play it cool. Do not ruin this."
I start to walk towards the bedroom door, and I place my hand against it. I take another deep breath, then gently push it open.
Luca's on his bed, lying on his stomach and reading that book he got at the bookstore. Rosana is snuggled next to him. Even from the doorway, I can hear her sleeping purrs. I try not to think about how much I envy her right now as I walk over to Luca.
He looks up from his book. "Alberto, hey!" he says, smiling at me. His smile makes my cheeks heat up, and I almost don't answer right away.
Oh, no. The sickness is getting worse.
"Hey, Lu." I mess with the whistle necklace that I haven't taken off yet. I look away for a second, just so I can calm myself down and stop blushing. "Whatcha up to?"
He smiles again and holds up the book for me to see. "Did you need something?" he asks, setting it back down.
A cure.
"Oh, no, nothing." I put my hands on my hips, looking away and sighing. "Just thinking about how epic that road trip was. I've thought about it all weekend, actually. We've got to make that like a monthly thing."
I glance at Luca to see what kind of reaction he'll have to that, but he doesn't say a word. He just grins.
Is that a good sign?
I stay quiet for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to say next without making this suspicious. When I turn towards Luca again, I'm surprised to see that he's got his complete focus on me now—chin resting in his hands and everything. I hadn't seen him move those entire few seconds I was thinking. Has he been watching me like that the whole time?
Luckily, I don't have to think of something else to say; Luca breaks the silence himself. "That sounds like an amazing idea."
"Yup. Once we're rich, we can have all the road trips we want.
My nerves get all jittery as I prepare myself for what I'm about to say next. Now comes the risky part of my plan.
I look right into Luca's eyes, my playfulness disappearing.
"You made Friday so much fun."
He stares at me now, and I can tell he's trying to think of something to say. He opens his mouth, then closes it, before turning away and smiling. "You made Friday so much fun too, Alberto," he finally replies, reaching backwards to pet Rosana.
I tuck my hands under my arms and hum a laugh to myself. My heart does a flip in my chest, but I clear my throat to keep myself calm.
"How?" I ask, grinning. I do it in a way that won't go wrong no matter what: if Luca likes me, he'll probably get more flustered, but if he doesn't, he'll just think I'm messing with him and laugh it off.
But he doesn't do either. He's ready to answer it right away. "Are you kidding?" he says, sitting up and laughing. "Without you, I'm not sure I could have the confidence to do all that. Dancing, spying on people, all that cool stuff. I felt so free."
My heart starts beating faster now. Hearing him say this about me makes me want to hug him so badly. He never fails to make me feel special.
I mean to respond right away, but here I am getting lost in his eyes like always. Luckily, I have enough self-control to break that trance before I seem weird.
I nod and snap my fingers at him, smirking. "What have I told you before? I'm an expert at pretty much everything."
He rolls his eyes and smiles, like he always does when I say that.
I want to keep the conversation going—give Luca even more motivation to write in his journal. But I feel like I've done all I can do right now. The longer this goes on, the more likely I am to mess it up. So, eventually, I just stretch. "Well, I'd better get back to helping Massimo outside."
"Hahah, yeah. And I'd better get back to reading." He taps his book.
I shake my head. "I couldn't think of anything better to do," I tell him. He reaches over and slaps my arm, which makes me move it away and laugh. "Okay, I'm sorry."
"Go help your dad," Luca says with a smile. Hearing that, I smile bigger.
Before I leave, I reach over and pet my daughter, while also accepting the fluttery feeling I'm getting from suddenly being this close to Luca.
Then I turn and leave the room. And as soon as I shut the door behind me, I let out a breath I feel like I've been holding the whole time.
Hopefully that did something.
* * *
Two nights later
It didn't do anything.
I waited two whole days, but I haven't seen him get his journal out once. I'm a little disappointed, but I'll try not to worry. After all, I came up with another plan last night.
After two stupid minutes of brushing my teeth, I look in the mirror and prepare for my next plan.
Basically, what I'm going to do is catch him in the act without him knowing I did. I'm going to pretend to be sleeping, which will let his guard down enough to pull out his journal and start writing. If I'm lucky enough, he'll look over at me while he writes, which will pretty much be a dead giveaway. Either way, him writing in his journal is still something. I'll keep my eyes open just enough to watch him do all this, and he'll never notice a thing.
Of course, in order for this new plan to work, I have to "sleep" before Luca does. And he goes to sleep annoyingly early, so I need to act fast. To be honest, though, I'm finding it hard to leave the bathroom and start the whole dumb waiting process. I'm not even tired. Who would be when the sky's still orange?
Eventually, I'm able to make myself leave. Secret spies don't have time to wait.
Going into the bedroom, I flop down on my bed and let one of my legs hang off the side. Even if I'm not tired, my body definitely is. "Well," I say, turning my head to the side, "goodnight, Luca. Sweet dreams."
He looks at me from his bed, confused. "You're going to sleep already?" he asks.
"Yup."
"That's not like you," he says, tilting his head down as he watches me.
Not feeling comfortable enough, I flip over and rest the back of my hand against the wall. It's cold, but it feels nice. "Sometimes I go to bed early so the next day can come faster," I tell him, which is actually the truth if something super exciting will be happening. I did it the night before Luca came back.
"Oh." He scoots forward on his bed and pulls on a loose string hanging from his shirt, trying to make it snap off. "Well in that case, goodnight, Alberto. Have sweet dreams too."
I give him a smile before adjusting myself on the bed and closing my eyes, just until Luca's not focused on me anymore.
About a minute later, I hear Luca get off the bed and walk over to the door. I can hear him turn the light off, and suddenly the room is dark (I can tell even with my closed eyes).
Why did he do that? Ugh. Probably because I "went to sleep". I'll never get anywhere with the light off. Why would he write in the dark? How would he? I think I accidentally just ruined this whole plan.
But then I hear another click, so I very slightly open my eyes.
Oh. Okay. He turned on the nightlight on my desk. There's enough light to write in now.
Since I'm pretty sure he's facing away from me, I open my eyes a tiny bit more. Then I bend my arm over my head to help cover my eyes, just to make sure he doesn't notice that I'm... well, watching him. Which I get is totally strange, but secret spies usually don't have many options.
When I see him start to turn around, I quickly shut my eyes, and I don't open them again until I hear his bed creak.
He's holding one of my Joker figurines. He must have grabbed it off the desk. With anyone else, I would have already leapt out of bed to grab it, but Luca isn't just anyone. I know he'll be careful with it.
For a couple minutes, I watch him pick up and admire the cool things on my desk. I make sure to keep my eyes barely open, just in case he decides to look my way. And he does a few times, but the arm over my head does awesome justice.
Luca doing anything is interesting, but we're making no progress here. I continue to watch him, though, hoping at one point he'll reveal the journal from wherever he's keeping it.
Then about twenty minutes go by, and he still hasn't gotten it. I really don't want to give up on this plan just because I'm bored, but secret spies don't have to stay up all night, right?
I hold out for just a bit longer, but then I start to feel myself actually getting tired. I roll over onto my back and move my arm away from my face. I ask myself if I should "wake back up" just so I can spend more time with Luca. But then my eyes start getting heavy, and I don't fight it.
I can try again tomorrow.
* * *
The next day
Well, I was going to try again. But today was mostly about me saving humans and whatnot. Boring people might call it "work" or something.
Anyways, after that was over with, we all went back to Massimo's house. The weather's been kind of icky today, so we decided to stay indoors this afternoon.
Giulia turned on the television, and some overly-dramatic and stupid movie was playing. So, of course, we all stayed in the living room and made fun of it. But what I enjoyed even more was the fact that Luca was sitting really close to me the whole time. We had our backs leaned against the couch while Giulia was on the floor, and I swear he got closer the longer we watched the movie. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I hope not.
Everything was going great. I was so distracted by our awesome day in that I didn't even think about making another plan.
Before I knew it, a couple hours went by.
Now I'm looking out the window, hoping it'll rain so we can play outside in it. It rained a few times already this summer. It's really fun to play in; it's like being in water, but you can do it in a "human" way. If that makes sense.
Luca's in the bedroom doing whatever. He's been sort of... off today. He doesn't seem sad or anything, or else I would have already said something. He just seems... I don't know. Quiet, I guess.
Maybe it's because we have gloomy weather.
I move away from the window and head towards the bedroom. Giulia's in there with Luca. As I walk closer, I can hear them talking about a teacher at their school. I obviously tune that out.
When I open the door, Giulia looks over at me from my bed. Luca's sitting up on his own bed, with the extra notebook I let him borrow laying on his legs. He's doodling something more important than me, apparently. Oh, well.
"I'm hoping the sky will leak again," I tell Giulia as I sit next to her. "Why does that happen, anyway?"
She looks amused. "One day I'll have to give you a book on meteorology," she says.
"I would rather eat something off the floor."
"Um, you already do that."
"Oh, yeah."
"And done!" Luca suddenly announces, holding the notebook out in front of him.
"Nice! I bet it's awesome," I tell him, watching as he tears the paper out. Then I look back at Giulia. "So anyways, I really...."
Wait... what was that on the paper? I'd only seen it for a second, but it looked like....
I almost get up to see what it is, but then Luca calls me over himself. "Do you have a pen anywhere?" he asks me. "The pencil's getting dull."
Before I answer him, I look down.
I really wish I hadn't.
Am I seeing this right? Is that Luca and... a girl?
All of a sudden, all the hope I'd had this week completely disappears. A dark feeling takes its place. I don't even know exactly what it is; all I know is that I hate it.
My stomach twists as I force myself to answer finally. "It's in the drawer," I say, pointing to it. Of course, I don't look up.
"Thank you!" He turns around to open it.
As much as I hate doing it, I can't help but stare at that painful drawing even longer. As if maybe, if I wish hard enough, it'll turn into something else.
Maybe I'm just not looking at it the right way. If I squint my eyes and turn my head, it kind of looks like me. Sort of.
...
It looks nothing like me.
Breathing out, I look over at Giulia. But she's busy combing her hair with her fingers, and doesn't notice what's going on.
I don't even know what to do now.
Somehow, I'm able to keep the straightest face I can once Luca turns back around. "Got it," he says, turning the paper over and writing the date on it.
My heart actually hurts now, and I don't want to be in this room anymore. Just looking at Luca is making me feel sick. Not only does he like a girl, but he has to think about her while he's spending the summer here. He has to remind me that he's normal and I'm not.
"Okay, well, you have fun with drawing a stupid girl," I tell him, rolling my eyes. Pretending I couldn't care less actually makes me feel worse, but what else can I do right now? I have to get out of here as quickly and easily as I can. "I'm going to help Massimo make pasta."
He barely looks up at me. "Okay. See you in a bit."
I glare at him.
Then I walk out of the room the second I feel my lip tremble.
* * *
I press my back against the hallway wall.
I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. My whole face burns as my emotions crash down on me. If I had to guess what drowning feels like, this would be it.
When I first found out about Luca's crush, I was determined to ignore how I felt about it because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. But then we got closer. And Luca started making me wonder if I really knew what I thought I did.
Maybe that's why it hurts so much more now. That drawing confirms things.
'I just... I really thought he....'
...
I close my eyes and take shaky breaths. I need to keep my tears from escaping. I don't want to cry. I hate crying.
Of course he doesn't like me. What was I thinking? Why did I get my hopes up?
I just want to scream, to throw something. But my body won't let me. All I can do is stay frozen like this, locked up in my own mind.
It feels like I have no control over anything at all. As if all I can do is watch as Luca falls more in love with someone else. Someone who's not me.
I feel so alone. I can't talk to anyone about this. I obviously can't tell Luca. I'm afraid Giulia will make fun of me, or worse. I can't even go to Massimo because he's been acting really weird. Probably because he already figured out I'm a homosexual. Ugh, I'm so stupid!
I look at my hands. Why am I such a freak? Why me and no one else? How do I get out of this sick body? Is this how it will always feel? Will it get easier? One day, when we're all older, will I still feel this sad?
I shut my eyes again and lean my head back against the wall. I can still hear my heart pounding in my head, even after the lump in my throat is gone.
If I was born a girl, would he like me then?
The question makes me cringe, but it doesn't leave my mind.
I like being a boy, but if I'm being honest, I would choose to be a girl if it meant I could be with Luca.
I'm just... so tired of being alone.
I may be sitting in my home right now. I may be surrounded by family, and my one truest love. But it doesn't matter. I'm alone.
If only I could stop caring so much. Then everything would go back to normal, and I wouldn't even think twice about Luca's stupid journal and his stupid crush. In fact, I bet I'd probably forget all about it.
But no. I care so much that being around Luca is not going to be fun anymore.
'Just stop caring so much, Alberto. Don't sit here and be sad. It's not even a big deal. Just... stop... caring.'
I make my hands into fists, my body tensing up. I don't know if it's me or Bruno talking right now. Or maybe it's my heart again. Maybe those two are the same voice.
'You're only getting worse because you're letting Luca make you worse. You've shut out your own feelings before. You can do it again. You're an expert at it.'
I finally open my eyes again. And I look down the hallway. I take a deep breath, and then another. I feel my shoulders relax, just a little.
I don't want any more confusion. Any more pain.
I just want to be normal.
So normal I'll start being.
I'll ignore my feelings for Luca, and I won't let them make me this sad ever again. What good will it do if it won't change anything? Luca likes a girl, and that's that.
... But I'll still let myself be mad at all the attention she's getting. She's not here; I am. Luca should spend time with me instead. We only have about two more months together.
But that's normal friendship jealousy, and it's completely normal. From this point on, that's what I'm going to be: completely normal.
And I'll stop caring.
I sigh and look at the wall in front of me.
Maybe it won't work the first time, or the second time. But I'll keep pretending I don't care, until finally I don't anymore.
I have to lie to myself until it becomes the truth.
I can do it. I know I can.
... See? I already started.
* * *
Luca's POV
Thursday, July 10th
I had to.
If he finds out, everything is ruined. And I can't risk that. I can't lose him, and I can't lose anyone else. You're the only person... THING... that won't judge me. Everything said here has to stay in here, or else my whole life is over.
That's why I have to protect you. I know Alberto is curious about what I'm writing, and with everything that's been happening, he's probably more suspicious than ever. I have a feeling my hiding spot won't last long. I need to keep you safe. So, I did what I had to do.
I didn't write in you all week, just in case Alberto was watching. I really really really wanted to, but I had to wait. And to be honest, I don't even think I need to write down what happened during the road trip. There's no way I'll forget any of it.
Anyways, that's not enough to keep you out of his mind. I had to make a drawing of me and some pretend girl, and leave it out for Alberto to see. Now he thinks I like girls, and I don't have to worry about him finding out I like him. Now he won't even think about it.
And I know for sure that he saw the drawing, because he looked super annoyed by it, like he always does when the topic of girls comes up. And if he's annoyed by the topic of girls, that means he won't want to look in here. Problem solved.
Till next time, journal. Now I have to go burn this stupid drawing.