How awful is it to have my personal life thrusted into the eyes of all these shit eating people who don't know me?
I hated it.
They probably were all thinking about how much I missed my wife, how perfect we looked together, how happy we seemed...
Seemed being the keyword.
All I wanted was for Esther to be in my bed again, and to have the sleep like I had last night.
It was magical. Surreal, almost.
We were walking out to my truck to head back to my place.
'She hates you.'
No she doesn't, she's willingly coming with me.
'You know you'll hurt her.'
Will I?
I thought hard about it, not realizing I hadn't opened my door yet until a dainty hand rapped on my window from the inside, then a muffled sentence I could barely make out, "Get out of your head, and get in the truck."
I opened the door, and got in. What if I did hurt her? I wouldn't be able to live with myself—
'You shouldn't even be living right now.'
Shut the fuck up.
"Neil, you alright?"
It was dark out and I could just see the way the gold in her eyes caught the light of the diner.
She's so beautiful.
"What would you think if I told you I hear and see things that aren't really there?"
Esther blinked one beat, and answered the next.
"I wouldn't be surprised."
I gave her a confused look. I'm not that obvious about it, what the hell—
"Neil, honey, you gotta calm down. It's alright."
"I'm a fucking freak, Esther, I'm not normal."
"I personally think you're too normal."
What?
"What?"
She only laughed as I sat there and offered her a very blank look.
"I have seen your mannerisms and although it seemed odd at first, I've just gotten used to it. You're just a handsome, kind man, to me."
I climbed into my seat and finally closed the door.
"These aren't handsome, kind words that I hear in my head."
Esther crossed her speckled legs across each other, and leaned onto the center console, resting her chin on her palm.
"What's goin' on inside that troubled mind of yours?"
Should I tell her? What would I say? I think it might be too early for the big confession, but I want her to know what I'm dealing with. She already seems to understand some of the weird shit I do.
I sigh, start my truck, and throw it in reverse. I put my arm back around the head of her seat and turn to look behind us. But not before I get within inches of her lips, I pause.
I feel the warm breath of her surprise on my nose, and my whole body tingles.
"You don't wanna know."
•
I decided that this time we'd make a pitstop to her apartment first so that she would have the proper attire for an overnight stay.
As much as I loved seeing her in my own clothes, I bet she was uncomfortable. When I left her this morning for work, she was all bundled up in her own blanket.
I am so ready for her to be snuggled up next to me again. I woke up at some point last night to her face pressed against my shoulder, and her light breaths fanning against it sent shivers throughout my entire body.
How am I ever going to sleep without her again? I really shouldn't get too comfortable, but holy fuck.
Maybe I need to keep things platonic. Even though things were clearly not.
I could feel the way her eyes would roam over my arms when I wasn't looking, or when she would steal little touches here and there to show that she was comfortable with the proximity, but was unsure about how I felt.
She would pat me on the shoulder, rest her hand on my forearm when she laughed, she's even thrown a couple slugs into my chest when I'd offended her.
She didn't do any real damage, though.
She was just this sweet, stunning specimen of a woman.
And yet, she'd done the same thing I once did.
Her husband was dead by her hands. I am too afraid to ask Esther about how she recovered so well and how she was dealing with things today with the obviously everlasting memories of what took place. I don't ever want to make her upset or make her feel like she can't tell me. I want nothing more than to know for... my own personal reasons.
How was she when she did it? Was she hysterical? Cold? Numb? God forbid, aroused?
I shook my head. The shameful thing was that that thought was my own. I think whoever talks to me has really gotten a grasp on my own conscience.
Isn't it already my conscience?
I thought I established that.
Hm. Maybe not. I don't remember.
We finally pulled into the driveway of the garage that held up Esther's apartment, and all the lights up at the main house were off.
"You can stay down here if you want, I just gotta couple of things to grab and I'll be right back down—"
"I'd love to come with."
She looked at me, a little stunned, and nodded with a sarcastic 'yes sir' before exiting.
I smirked at the way she talked to me. She was so confident and humble at the same time.
I got out and made my way behind her up the stairs, and trust me, it took everything in me to not stare straight up her dress. Even though I already know that I would be overjoyed with seeing such an image, it felt wrong without her knowing.
I could just announce that I was planning on taking a peek, but then she'd totally push me down the stairs or something and tell me I could wait down there.
Her keys jingled into the lock and we both walked in to find it completely dark.
Esther clicked a few lights on and I was met with a very small, but functional, studio apartment. To the left was a small kitchen, just beyond that was a box next to her unmade bed that held up a lamp and chapstick, and in the middle of it all was a small pile of clothes. Then there was me, taking up so much space by the doorway.
Esther quickly got on her knees and started pushing her clothes under her old bed, "I am so sorry, I completely forgot about these."
She seemed quite nervous, flustered even.
"You ever had a boy in your room?" I ask jokingly.
"No, actually, I haven't."
I nodded in understanding, unable to wipe my face of the grin that naturally made its way to my lips.
"I'm glad I'm the first, then."
She motioned towards her bed, "You can sit here if you'd like, Neil... I don't really have any seats."
Her freckled face offered me an apologetic look. I walked in and heard the creaking of the old barn under my boots, and when I sat down, I thought that I would break her bed in the least exciting way possible.
It squeaked and groaned under my weight, and I decided that I would just lean against it.
Esther began picking the overnight clothes out and putting them into a small canvas bag. I saw the way her body worked, and I was definitely not having pure thoughts about it.
I needed to distract myself before I accidentally did something I'm not sure she's ready for.
Hm... it's really hot up here.
In the summertime, it gets super warm in the upper floors because heat rises, and especially since I don't see any air conditioning unit up here, I assume she doesn't have any.
Thank god it wasn't me.
That would've been a little weird to explain to her.
"We should go swimmin'."
My eyes snapped away from examining her windows and immediately found hers.
"What?"
"You know... night swimmin'?"
"You mean skinny dipping?"
I saw the heat crawl up her collar bones and onto her neck.
"Well, kind of... there won't be anything skinny about it though."
I chuckled, "What does that mean?"
She held up a black bikini top that would accentuate her body and looked at it with a criticizing gaze.
"Um, hello? We won't be naked."
But I wanted her naked.
"That just takes the fun out of it."
Why the fuck was I pushing this?
I saw the way Esther's eyes flashed something very curious in them when she looked at me.
"There has to be mystery, Neil. We would get bored of each other if both of us just gave in."
"What do you mean?"
She laughed, but it was between bitterness and amusement.
"Do I really have to explain everything to you?"
No, I just like to see the way she reacts.
"No, you don't. What makes you wanna have a swim now, though?"
Esther paused before putting the bathing suit down.
"Because it's dark outside."
"And a million degrees still. Where would we go?"
Her hopeful look didn't bypass me, and she slyly put the two pieces of black clothing into her overnight bag.
"Wherever. What about the beach? It'll probably be pretty windy. I don't think the local lakes are a good idea, they're all dirty and always infested with something."
I shrugged and leaned back on my hands, fully relying on the bed to not give out.
"Well, aren't there natural hot springs around here?"
Esther was finished packing her clothes and set her bag on the table before turning to me with a hand on her hip.
"You wanna go to a hot pool of mineral water when it's already warm enough to cook your skin outside in the dark?"
Her southern twang was really growing on me.
"I guess when you put it like that, the beach sounds a lot more appropriate."
"So... you're saying you'll take me?"
I stood up and stretched, reaching my arms high enough to touch the shallow ceiling, "Yeah, I suppose we'd better run to my place so I can get us some towels and myself some trunks, or something. Will I even be needing them?"
Esther playfully smacked my arm and I made my way towards the door.
I couldn't wait to go night swimming.
•
The brakes on my truck squeaked from all the dirt that lived in between them when I came to a stop. I made out the large mounds of dirty sand that had shrubs and some sort of ground coverage before I looked up and saw the moon high in the sky.
Was this a bad idea?
I peered over at Esther, and she was doing the same thing I was, except giddier.
'Bad idea.'
Nope.
Great idea.
We stepped outside and the air was thick with mist and humidity, I could barley see the water and we were only a few yards away from it.
I grabbed the towels and large blanket that I had snagged and quickly made my way to the passenger side.
Esther was wearing an over throw dress that tied in the middle of her stomach, and I was stoked to see what was underneath it.
I followed her as she carried our water, midnight snacks, and her sandals.
I was so fucking tired, but seeing how excited she was to be here had given me some energy to at least finish off this night with her.
We made our way down to where I could now see the water. And it was pitch black. It was calm, the only white caps were from the waves and riptides that made their way to shore, and I laid down our things. Esther did the same, helping me spread out the blanket and making sure there was no sand that clung on to the water bottles.
"Why on earth does it feel like it's a hundred degrees outside?" She complained.
I chuckled and sat down beside her.
"Is this where we get naked, or something?"
She, again, smacked my arm.
"Have you no manners? Jeez Louise."
Yet here she was, standing up and little to her knowledge, putting on a show for me.
Esther untied the little knot on her cover, and let it slide down her body, revealing her black bikini that she changed into at my house. It hugged her perfectly.
Maybe she was very much aware of what she was doing, and it was intentional. Why did I agree to this?
Oh yeah.
I'm pretty sure that I'm obsessed with her.
•