y/n's pov (first time bitches 😩😝)
february 7
"this isn't working anymore."
i must've laid there for five minutes. five minutes with my arm still tightly strapped around her waist, my eyes wide and heavy with tears. ariana was breathing shakily as we laid there together.
my hand slowly dragged against her stomach as i pulled away, laying on my back as i stared up at the ceiling.
we were fine when i left. our anniversary was only a few months ago. we had talked about marriage on christmas day. i mentioned kids on new years. we decided that we wanted at least two that night.
we wanted two dogs and two cats, maybe even a fish or a turtle. she wanted to live in one of those perfect, suburban neighborhoods in my hometown where we would live together for the rest of our lives. she wanted a pool and a trampoline, and a big backyard where we could throw birthday parties for the kids. she wanted to retire after her first pregnancy and become a stay at home mom while i would still work to keep us supported.
we were just fine when i left.
did i do something? did i say something hurtful? was i not paying enough attention? was i not good enough for her anymore? was she bored? was there someone else?
there had to be something, because we were just fine when i left.
ariana shuffled, the sound of the covers ruffling breaking me out of the trance i was in. i sat up in bed before i swung my legs over the side, pushing myself up. i walked over to the light switch and flipped it on, the bright lights not even shocking me like it usually would.
"what the hell are you taking about?" i asked, crossing my arms over my chest as i walked back to the bed, standing at the foot. ariana didn't move an inch as she stayed there, just laying in bed.
my anger rose as i kicked the end of the bed with my foot. "sit up and fucking talk to me! don't lay there like a coward like you didn't just say that to me!"
ariana jumped but she slowly sat up, her arms hugging her stomach and she didn't even dare to look at me. "is this a fucking joke? because if it is, this isn't funny ariana." jesus, i could feel myself start to cry already.
ariana licked her lips, one of her hands leaving her stomach to pluck at a loose string on the covers. "i-it's not a joke. i-i'm just tired, y/n. i'm tired of doing this and-" she paused, running her hands down her face.
"tired of what, ariana? don't go quiet right now!" she took me by surprise as she shot out of bed, her skin turning red as she got worked up.
"i'm so fucking tired of competing, y/n!" she yelled, her arms throwing out to her sides. i stitched my eyebrows together, the confusion twisting and knotting in my head.
"competing? competing with who, ariana? who the fuck have you even seen me with? can you answer me that? can you?" i yelled back, a tear falling down my cheek as my arms fell from my chest.
ariana had started to cry with me, her chest rising and falling rapidly. "all of these girls, y/n! these girls that you say you aren't interested in, but i see the way you look at them and the way you act around them! i feel like i'm fighting for your attention now, especially since you left!"
i laughed sarcastically, pushing my hair back with my palms. "i don't know what the fuck you're talking about! i have not looked at one other girl the entire time we've been together! i'm fucking in love with you, ariana, and i'm not going to throw that away for some instagram model!
"and that bullshit with 'especially since i left?' i have called and texted you every single day i have been gone, sometimes even more than twice a day! i've tried so hard to keep in contact with you, and you're coming to me with this shit? jesus christ, ariana you've got to be fucking with me right now."
my voice strained as i leaned against the desk, rubbing my hands down my face. "i-i'm not happy anymore, y/n. and i don't want to lead you on any longer, it would just hurt us both more than this would."
i felt myself crumble even more at the words 'any longer.'
any longer?
how long had this been going on? how long was she unhappy with me? for how long was i not satisfying her?
i looked up at her, my cheeks wet with tears. "w-when did this happen? how long have you been lying to me? is-is there something i did to make you not happy o-or is there just something fucking wrong with me?"
ariana shook her head, slowly approaching me. "y/n, stop. there's nothing wrong with you, okay? nothing. it's my fault, mine. i just...i'm selfish, and i just want more than you can give me."
i let out another wet laugh. "yeah, that makes me feel so much fucking better. what more could i give you? i've given you everything i have, ariana. do you even care about that? do you even care about me?"
ariana stayed quiet.
"you know what? fuck this and fuck you. get the hell out," i snapped, standing up straight and walking to her suitcase. i hoisted it up and dragged it to the door. i opened the door and threw it out, leaving it there in the hall.
"out."
ariana let out a sob, and as much as i wanted to pretend it didn't hurt me, it hurt like a bitch. "y/n..." i shook my head, holding up my hand as i walked over to her. "just stop taking. you've done enough of that already."
i took her by surprise as i cupped her cheeks in my hands. "just...just give me one last normal moment with you. you owe me that." i croaked, feeling a tear roll down the tip of my nose.
one of ariana's tears fell onto my thumb, and i could feel it absorb into my skin. she bit her lip, nodding up at me as she gently grabbed both of my wrists. i swallowed my pride as i leaned down and she followed, meeting me halfway as i pressed my salty lips to hers.
i shut my eyes tightly, trying to pretend that we weren't here right now in this situation. i tried to think back to the night we danced together in the studio. i tried to think of our first date and the first time we kissed. the first time she told me she loved me.
i kissed her harder as i tried to forget the utter pain in my chest. ariana whimpered as she pressed herself against me, her nails desperately scratching the skin on my wrists. our tears mixed together, creating a salty mixture against our lips that just made me want to cry harder.
i reluctantly pulled away with a gasp for air, even though my heart desperately wanted me to never stop. ariana sobbed, her hand finding her back of my head as she pecked my lips again.
"no ariana, stop." i mumbled, pushing myself back as i let my hands slowly fall from her face. "you have to go."
ariana cried again, her nails scratching my scalp as she pulled it away, letting it fall to her stomach. she gently rubbed it as she looked down, nodding softly.
ariana's hand brushed against my arm as she picked her phone up from the bed, sliding it into her sweatpants. she looked up at me with a look that i couldn't decipher. her lip quivered as she grabbed my arm, pulling me towards her. she wrapped herself around my arm as she cried against it, her tears staining my sweatshirt.
my other hand came up and stroked her hair as i leaned down, kissing the top of her head. "you have to go, ariana." i whispered after she just wouldn't let go of my arm. i gently pried her off as she cried, forcing herself not to reach out for me again.
"just go. please," i begged.
ariana let out another loud sob and wiped her face as she walked to the door, shoving her feet into her nikes. i could feel her look back at me, but i didn't look back as i listened to her leave, slowly shutting the door behind her. i stood there until i heard her pick up her suitcase, followed by the sound of her rushed footsteps down the hallway.
i bit down on my lip to keep myself quiet as i dragged my feet over to the light switch, flipping it back off. the taste of blood filled my mouth but my grip on my lip didn't waver as i slumped over to the bed, falling onto her side.
my ears were filling with blood and pressure, and it was only then that i realized i had been holding my breath. my cheeks felt hot as i blew out air, my heart pounding faster by the minute.
--
i didn't get any sleep that night. i just laid there, my eyes barely cracked open as i clutched onto ariana's pillow, my cold foot hanging off the side of the bed.
it was 8 o'clock when i finally sat up, my eyes squinting from the light of the morning. i sniffed harshly, trying to clear my nose from tears as i reached over onto my side, picking my phone up off the side table.
i clicked it on, seeing at least thirty notifications from different people. a few from ariana, most of them from frank and alexa, and even some from frankie.
i sighed, wiping my eyes as i clicked frank's contact. i called him, pulling the phone up to my ear as i rested my head against my other hand. he answered within the third ring.
"hey, kid. i'm just about there to your room, i'm in the elevator. how're you holding up? did something happen between you two last night?" frank questioned me, but before i could answer there was someone knocking on my door. "that's just me, let me in."
i sighed again, hanging up the phone and throwing it somewhere as i dragged myself over to the door, pulling it open. frank was already there in his slightly professional attire, a small smile on his lips.
the smile slowly formed into a frown as he made his way in, shutting the door behind him. i walked over to the small fridge, pulling out a water and drinking nearly all of it.
"alright, kid. what happened last night?" frank sighed, laying a hand on my shoulder. i looked down, shrugging. "she left me. not really much else to say."
i watched frank's shoulders fall as he sighed again, his other hand finding my other shoulder as he pulled me into a hug. i whimpered pathetically as i wrapped my arms around his torso, my eyes filling with tears for the thousandth time since last night.
"why does this keep happening to me? why am i not good enough for anyone?" i sobbed, my hands forming a fist as i clenched onto franks shirt. frank rubbed my back, trying to comfort me the best he could.
"you are good enough, kid. you're more than good enough. they just can't see that, and that's their loss," he spoke quietly. "you'll find someone that'll treat you just as well as you treat them. i know you will, alright? 'cause you're the best kid i know."
--
luckily i didn't have a show tonight.
after i stopped crying like a little bitch, frank sat me down and explained how he knew something was wrong. apparently there were paparazzi chilling outside the hotel and they caught ariana leaving. frank showed me the pictures, and i felt my heart break all over as i saw her sobbing; the mascara she never took off streaming down her cheeks. her arm that wasn't pulling her suitcase was wrapped delicately around her stomach, and one picture caught her mid-reach to wipe her face.
people knew i was staying here, and when they saw ariana leaving with tears running down her face, they had just assumed we had broken up. i mean, they weren't wrong, but what a way to assume.
frank, being the best manager ever, managed to shoo the men away from the hotel, enough for me to get in the car so i could be taken back to the bus. our next stop was in florida, and after a few shows we'd be on the way to georgia.
i was currently slumped in the bed, basically huddling myself in the comforter and like five other blankets. it was steaming hot outside, but i couldn't care less.
my phone began to ring as i laid there. i groaned, reaching for my phone that was plugged in. it was alexa. she had called me multiple times this morning, but i hadn't called back. i decided to answer this time as i unplugged my phone.
"hello?" my voice was groggy after hours of not talking and crying to myself. "y/n/n, hey. how are you doing? wait, that's a dumb question." alexa chuckled awkwardly, earning a small breath from me.
"um, i'm trying. i haven't gotten out of bed in like, hours, but oh well." i rasped, clearing my nose. i wiped my eyes again as i forced myself to sit up against the headboard.
alexa sighed, and i could practically feel her sadness through the phone. "i'm gonna come down for the rest of tour. i don't trust you enough to be alone; not after everything that's happened these past two years. i just booked a flight and i should be in florida by tomorrow afternoon. now, tell me what happened, if you can handle it."
i raised my eyebrows to my hairline, messing with my blanket. "wow. um, thanks i guess. but uh, yeah i think i can."
alexa hummed, "okay. i'm gonna put you on speaker so i can pack, but i'm still listening, babe."
i nodded, even though i knew she couldn't see me. "okay, well, after the show i had taken a shower and i was trying to relax on the couch when there was a knock on my dressing room door. so i got up to answer it, and it was ari. i was obviously really excited since i hadn't seen her in a few weeks, but she was acting like she couldn't care less. she barely hugged me back, and she was acting weird when i kissed her. i just thought she might have had a bad flight.
"back at the hotel, i went to brush my teeth, and she was just acting so weird. her arms were constantly around her stomach and she wouldn't even look at me. when i came back to the room she was laying down in bed, and i laid behind her and wrapped my arm around her like i always did. you know-i-i told her that i loved her, like i did every night before we went to bed, and she told me that we weren't working anymore at, i swear, the exact same time.
"we-we started arguing and, and she told me that she was tired of competing with other girls. and she said that she 'sees the way i look at them,' and shit. but i haven't even looked at anyone since we've been together, and it's not like i was acting different, because i had texted and called her everyday. she told me she wasn't happy anymore and that she couldn't keep leading me on. then i got really pissed off and threw her suitcase in the hall. i-this was stupid, but i kissed her one last time before i made her leave."
i stopped, letting out a deep breath.
"that...that sounds so weird. like, so unlike her. and i'm so sorry, babe. you don't deserve all of this bullshit, and she doesn't deserve you." alexa spoke, and i could hear it as she picked the phone back up.
i nodded, my eyebrows stitching together. "she was acting really off, but i don't think it was just because she knew she was going to break up with me. i feel like there was something else. the jealousy just seemed like an excuse for something bigger at hand, you know? but i don't really know. all i know is that i'm really fucking upset."
alexa groaned. "you know what? fuck her. let's not talk about that anymore. how about we talk about what we're gonna do on tour, yeah?" i managed to break a smile for the first time in a while. "yeah, that sounds good."
--
for y'all who wanted the meet up first, i realized it just made more sense for this to happen first.
but it's a double update so u get both at once lol
i love youuu <3333!!!