Andy was picking at the skin around his nails as he sat on the back lounge floor of the bus. His anxiety was at an all-time high, and he felt lightheaded from the oncoming panic attack that was sure to happen. Andy made the mistake of going on Twitter and looking at things he was tagged in.
People were really blaming him for the band not touring at the moment.
If only they knew.
That's why he had written Know One. People thought they knew what was going on and who was right and who was wrong. They thought they knew everything because they watched some interviews and followed him on fucking instagram. Sadly, for them, it wasn't as simple as 'Andy's ego got too big to be in a band.'
God, he wished that was the case. He could fix it if it was all on him.
The tour cycle was always meant to be short. This was a test run to see if they could make things work now that they've had a break from each other.
Nope.
If anything, things had gotten worse.
Ashley had gotten worse.
Andy didn't know how it took him so long to see past that mask. He blamed himself for ever trusting that man, let alone allowing him to join Black Veil Brides. He felt sick every time he thought of how bad things were now.
He barely talked to the guys anymore. Sure, Jake and Jinxx were kind enough to come to the Los Angeles show to see him and show support, but the awkward tension was still palpable. Everyone knew the band was over at this point. Seeing them was just a painful reminder of how Andy couldn't save BVB. It hurt more than anything. He couldn't help but wonder if the guys blamed him too. Did they hate Andy for this decision? Did they hate everything going on within the Black Veil camp, or was he just being dramatic and selfish?
Andy was hyperventilating at this point. he dropped his head into his hands, gripping his hair tight enough to sting painfully, but he couldn't feel it. all he could feel was the panic, dread, and despair consume him.
He didn't want any of this to happen. He wanted to go back to when things weren't so fucking hard. The tears finally began to fall, soaking his palms, and running down his tattooed wrists.
Andy shook uncontrollably, sobs wracking his body as everything that he had been bottling up for the past year poured out of him like a tidal wave of heart break. He hated this. He didn't want to be alone; he didn't want just his initials on the kick drum, he wanted his band.
Everything Andy loved and worked so fucking hard for was gone forever. Contracts, and NDAs made it feel like it was fruitless to even try. All Andy could do was refuse to tour and let the band bleed dry. He still owned half of the band. nothing could happen unless he agreed to it. Even if he didn't; he was the frontman after all. No one Would come to a show without him there. There was no point unless they wanted to do karaoke or some shit.
Andy felt so unbelievably alone. His chest hurt, and his eyes were so swollen from the crying that they burned, but he couldn't stop. the dam broke, and there was no fixing it until Andy let it all out.
As pathetic as it sounded; Andy wanted nothing more than to call his mom in that moment. He so desperately needed comfort, and Amy Biersack was the first person to come to mind. He wanted to call her, but knew it was far too late at night in Cincinnati to be calling her. She was asleep and had work in the morning. She didn't need to have to deal with her adult son having a meltdown.
Andy's fingers were bleeding from the picking, the blood smeared through his dark hair, but he paid no mind to it. Andy was just so tired of doing all of this on his own. Yanni tried to be there for him, but he had a job to do. Blasko was one call away, but he was in California. None of the guys could/would be of help because they probably blame him for everything just like the fans do.
Andy just didn't want to do this alone anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Lonny!" The guitarist in question jumped, looking up to see Yanni walking towards him. "What's up?" He asked. They were in Sage and Nile's room hanging out, and talking demos when the head of security walked in.
"Where's Drew? I can't find him." Yanni asked. "He's not answering his phone." Lonny frowned at this. That wasn't like Andy. Also why was Yanni only asking him where the singer was?
"I don't know. Was he in the room?" Lonny asked curiously. Andy was already gone when he had woke up, but he might've went back to the room while Lonny was gone.
"No, I already checked there." The bodyguard stated. His face was neutral, but there was clear uneasiness. He didn't like not knowing where Andy was. It wasn't even about his job. Andy was like his kid brother, it was his job to protect him.
"He might've went for a run." Sage suggested with a shrug. Lonny's brows furrowed. That wasn't like Andy. He wouldn't leave without telling anyone.
"I can look on the bus. I was going down there anyways." Lonny volunteered. He wasn't actually planning on going to the bus, but now he was worried about Andy.
"Okay. If he's in there, kick his ass and tell him to answer his phone." Yanni huffed.
"I will do at least one of those things." Lonny chuckled before standing up, and making his way out of the room. He pulled out his phone and sent the singer a text as me walked down the hall and got into the elevator, hitting the ground floor button on the panel.
Lomy: 'hey, man. Yanni is tearing the hotel apart looking for you.'
He didn't get a reply, the message having not been opened. He stared at the text thread as the elevator stopped, and the doors slid open.
Lonny thought about calling him, but decided against it. If Andy wasn't in the bus, he would call him. This really wasn't like the singer, it worried him.
Lonny walked out of the lobby, and into the parking lot, making his way around the building towards the back where they had parked for the night. He typed in the bus code, and opened the door. It appeared empty up front, but he still went inside to make sure.
Lonny glanced down the bunk alley to see if his bunk curtain was closed or anything, but a sound made him freeze.
Sobbing.
Lonny's blood ran cold as he walked towards the back lounge, the door firmly closed, but as he got closer, the sobbing got louder. He started to knock, but decided to just rip the bandaid off and open the door.
The sight before him ripped his heart into pieces.
Andy was curled up on the floor, shaking violently as he struggled to breathe, his hands buried in his hair and his fingers bloody.
'Jesus christ.' Lonny thought in horror, closing the door behind him and dropping to his knees in front of the broken man.
"Andy? What's wrong?" Lonny asked gently, wincing when the older man flinched, but instead of attempting to pull himself together or tell Lonny to get out, he just cried harder.
"Is it okay if I touch you?" Lonny tried. It was obvious that Andy was having an anxiety attack of some sort so he wanted to be careful and not make things worse.
Andy nodded, and before Lonny could even think to move, Andy lunged forward, burying his face in the guitarist's neck and gripping the back of his shirt hard enough to turn his knuckles white. Lonny wrapped his arms around the singer, rubbing his back gently.
Lonny really didn't know how to handle this. He was expecting Andy to be wrapped up in an episode of The Office or drawing, maybe even on the phone with his parents. Anything but this. Lonny turned his head, burying his face in the older man's soft hair as he tried to think of a solution.
"-itfmuhfult." Andy's muffled voice sobbed into Lonny's neck.
"What?" Lonny asked gently, unable to make out what he had said. Andy didn't seem to be in a state to be able to repeat himself, so Lonny chose to leave it for now. Right now he just needed to hold Andy together as best as he could.
"Just try and match my breathing, okay?" Lonny directed softly, carding a hand through Andy's hair. The singer didn't respond, but his breathing did stutter to a slower pace, trying desperately to fall into line with Lonny's.
The two men stayed there for a while, and eventually, Andy seemed to calm down some. His hyperventilating slowed to steady breathing and his sobs turned into soft sniffles. Now that Andy was more in his right mind, he was mortified. He wanted to untangle himself from the guitarist's arms, but the embrace was so warm, and he felt so safe. Andy didn't want to leave.
"How you feeling now, b- Andy?" Lonny asked the older man, his voice barely above a whisper. Andy gave a vague shrug, drawing a chuckle from Lonny. "That's not an actual answer." He replied.
"Okay... sorry you had to deal with that." Andy mumbled, rubbing his face against Lonny's shoulder.
"Dude, why are you apologizing?" Lonny asked incredulously. "You were having a panic attack; you couldn't help that." Andy shrugged, still feeling the need to say he was sorry, but managed to keep it to himself.
"You could've called Yanni, not like he hasn't dealt with this before." Andy sighed, his voice thick and scratchy from tears.
"Would you have preferred that I got Yanni?" Lonny asked genuinely. He prayed to anyone that was listening that he didn't overstep and make Andy uncomfortable.
Andy made a noise that could possibly be a word but was far too muffled to be discernable. "Huh?" Lonny asked in confusion.
"No." Andy grumbled, keeping his face planted firmly into the crook of Lonny's neck to hide is flushed cheeks. The guitarist chuckled slightly, but it didn't sound unkind or condescending to Andy. He just sounded relieved.
"Do you want to talk about it? Did something trigger it?" Lonny asked softly. Andy seemed to sag against the guitarist's chest rather than tense at the question. that was a good sign at least.
"I'm getting blamed for the short Black Veil tour. everyone is saying my ego got too big for the band and now the band was ending because of me." Andy said. his voice was monotone, and exhausted. Like he didn't have the energy to even sound annoyed about it. Not that Lonny blamed him, he was sure that the singer was completely drained from the panic attack he had.
"Fuck them!" Lonny exclaimed, making Andy jump slightly at the sudden outburst. "They have no fucking idea what is going on or why any of this is happening. if anyone's ego is too big for the damn band it's that asshole!'' Pissed didn't even come close to describing what Lonny was feeling at the moment. How could anyone think Andy was to blame for this? Sure, Lonny was biased as hell because he knew the situation in detail, and he l- cared about Andy... a lot.
Andy was nothing but kind to everyone, He worked so hard to build that band up to where it was. That band was his baby. Why the fuck would he throw it away on a whim? People were so dense and stupid. They had no critical thinking skills at all.
before Lonny could stop himself, he pulled back, and cupped Andy's cheek. His eyes we swollen and bloodshot, and his face was still wet with tears. The sight broke Lonny. he rested his forehead against Andy's.
"None of that is your fault, okay? you fought for years to make things work, you did everything you could." He said, his tone unwavering, leaving no room for argument.
But it was Andy so obviously he was going to try.
"But I should've-." He tried to argue, but Lonny cut him off in a way that neither man were prepared for.
Lonny kissed him. It wasn't a long, drawn-out thing full of unbridled passion and desire. no, it was a soft, closed mouth press of lips meant to silence and comfort.
"No. You did everything you could. Don't destroy yourself for making the right decision." Lonny said as he pulled away.
'Oh god, I just kissed him! What the fuck is wrong with me?!' Lonny's mind screamed.
Andy didn't respond, he just stared at Lonny with wide eyes as he too processed what happened. Eventually, he nodded vaguely, unsure of what he was even agreeing to. "Can I take a look at your fingers?" Lonny asked, deciding that if Andy wasn't going to acknowledge it, neither was he.
Andy pulled back from Lonny and held out his hands. they weren't deep by any means, so they had already stopped bleeding. Lonny took his hands in his own, cradling them carefully. "They look okay. I don't think we need to clean them or bandage them." He said, keeping his gaze firmly on the singer's tattooed hands, and not his eyes.
He could feel Andy's eyes burning into his head. Lonny didn't know what to say, but it seemed the singer was in the same boat because he was also silent.
'He kissed me.' Played on loop inside of Andy's head. All thoughts of the dark, hurtful things that caused his panic attack were long gone. He had to have imagined that. There was no way that actually happened.
Andy was having some sort of psychotic break. He was sure of it. Lonny absolutely didn't kiss him.
Even if he did, he was just trying to snap Andy out of it. He didn't mean it. He was just being a good friend. That's all. Lonny was weird dude, maybe a kiss was all he could come up with on the spot?
The attempts at rationalizing what happened were pathetic even to Andy, but until Lonny gave him answers, that was all that would get him through tour.
He just needed to rip the bandaid off, he couldn't go weeks wondering what this meant.
"Lonny-?"
"WHERE IS BOSS MAN?!" Jesse bellowed from the front of the bus. "YANNI IS LOSING HIS SHIT!"
"Damnit." Lonny mumbled, scrambling to his feet. "Back here!" He called back.
Andy used the hem of his shirt to wipe at his face and eyes, opening the camera of his phone to check how he looked. Not great, but okay enough to be able to deny that he had been crying.
Jesse opened the door to the lounge, looking between the two men before his gaze landed on Andy. "Dude, where the fuck have you been? You scared the fuck out of Yanni." He said.
"Sorry, I came in here to unwind, and my phone died. I should've charged it or let someone know." Andy replied, glancing slightly at the guitarist.
"That's fine, man. Yanni is just a nervous bitch and thinks you'll get kidnapped or murdered if you leave his sight." Jesse chuckled.
"Don't I know it." Andy laughed.
"I'll see you guys back in the hotel." Lonny said, and all but ran past Jesse and off of the bus.
Jesse watched him leave with furrowed brows. "The fuck is his problem?" He asked.
"I had a panic attack, he calmed me down and then he kissed me so I think he's freaked out." Andy answered honestly. Jesse has been one of his closest friends for the past decade. He knew he wouldn't say anything.
"I beg your fucking pardon?!?!" Jesse all but yelled, whipping around to face Andy.
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One more chapter to go! This story has been so fun to write. I haven't written a full book in a while so this was a great way to ease back into it. I hope y'all are enjoying it as much as I've enjoyed writing it