OLIVIA
Blake stayed over the next two nights. He went to school, but he left very early in the morning to get there and came back later than usual, and when he came back, he went straight to bed and took a nap before dinner.
Olivia knew it was for Logan. She knew it because she had, in her desperation the night before, torn a piece of paper from her notebook.
On it, she wrote, Please help Logan, folded it up until she couldn't fold it up anymore, and handed it to Blake.
He wiggled his eyebrows goofily. "What's this? A love letter?"
Olivia shrugged and got in bed. By the time she was done pulling the covers over herself, Blake was refolding the paper. He tucked it into his pocket.
"I see," he said softly. "It is a love letter."
And school couldn't bring her any peace either because Angel looked like death incarnate. His clothes were crumpled and his eyes were red and had deep circles and no matter what Olivia asked, he wouldn't tell her what was wrong.
"Everything is fine," he said, and pulled his blazer over his face and turned away to presumably take a nap.
Olivia was getting frustrated with everyone in her life lying that they were fine.
Nobody was fine.
So when she got back home, she went straight to her room, annoyed with everyone but most of all annoyed with herself that she couldn't do anything.
She couldn't help Elijah, she couldn't get Angel to tell her what was wrong, she couldn't even get through to Logan - she had asked Blake to take care of it.
While she was doing the math homework she hadn't turned in since Monday, Logan appeared at her door.
His curly black hair was a mess as usual. His thin t-shirt and shorts hung off him awkwardly. He'd been getting worse since Elijah's trial, but he'd really looked bad these past few days.
"Busy?" he said.
Olivia nearly dropped her pencil. Logan - coming to her room to talk to her? They'd had the bare minimum conversation for days, courtesy of that horrible encounter in the bathroom.
Still, she managed, "No. Why?"
"Can I come inside?"
"You don't have to ask."
He stuffed his hands in his pockets and slowly came into her room, stepping carefully like the flowers on her rug would suddenly blow up.
He sat on her bed behind her chair, but when she tried to turn around in her chair to face him, he grabbed it and turned it back around so she couldn't see his face.
"Um, are you-"
All in a rush he interrupted, "I'm sorry for scaring you on Monday and Blake talked to me so please don't worry anymore. It's fine."
Olivia stared at her desk, shoulders tense, her heart in her throat. She felt kind of nauseous.
But wasn't this what she wanted? For him to talk to her? Why, then, couldn't she get out a single word she wanted to say?
"I...don't think it's fine," she said in a small voice.
Logan's breaths were shaky. "You're right. It's not very fine."
"Does it hurt? Do you have to go to the hospital?"
"No."
She licked her dry lips with her dry tongue. Everything felt sandpapery. "Have you been - been depressed for a long time?"
"...yes."
"Since the old scars?"
"It got better in between. But I once..."
Olivia held her breath. His words hung between them. He didn't say anything else.
"You don't have to tell me-" she tried.
"No, dammit." He inhaled shallowly.
Olivia suddenly wanted to get up and run out of there. She didn't want to hear this.
Logan cleared his throat, but his voice still rasped when he whispered, "Once I - wanted it to stop. I tried to make it all stop. When I was sixteen."
Olivia had sometimes suspected that something else had happened all those years ago, something that none of her brothers talked about. And now she knew.
It terrified her to think that Logan could have died, that he wouldn't be sitting with her right now had things gone differently, that she might have never known him again. And it terrified her to even begin to imagine how horrible he must have felt, even with Blake and Elijah, to resort to doing something like that.
She couldn't keep looking at her desk anymore. She turned around in her chair. Logan was looking at the floor, away from her, so she put her hand in his hair.
The tendons in his neck stood out as he strained to keep still or try to move - she didn't know - but she didn't cower this time.
"Will you...tell me if you feel like you want to hurt yourself?"
"I'll try."
She held his fingers tight. "Try really hard, okay?"
Please don't leave me, she thought desperately.
"Okay," he whispered.
She turned the chair completely towards him and hugged his head to her lap and he rested his arms and his shoulders on her knees.
They stayed like that for a little while. Olivia felt like she was standing next to her brother for the first time in a long time.
*****
Blake came into her room that night. He cleared his throat with a loud flourish and leaned back against her desk.
"Hello, my lovely and beautiful and sometimes annoying little sister,'" he said.
"Hello, my always annoying brother."
"Oh my god," Blake gasped, holding his chest. "That really hurt me deep, deep inside."
"I'm so sorry, do you want me to call the hospital for your heart attack?"
"Yes, but please tell them it's a broken heart." Blake tried to swoon into her lap but ended up elbowed onto the floor instead, where he lay laughing.
"Fine, fine, I'll stop with the drama." He sat down on her bed and swiveled her chair to face him. Then he leaned over and held her hands in his.
"I have to go back to my apartment tomorrow," he said. "I wish I could stay but my college is way too far from here. I've been missing classes and I'm no nerdy-Logan but I also can't fail or I'll be in big trouble."
Olivia tried to keep her face neutral, but inside, she was panicked. It had been a huge relief for her to have Blake by her side, to know that he was looking out for Logan and that he would fix anything that happened. She'd slept well for the first time in weeks and it had been loud and chaotic at dinner time, as it should be.
Blake squeezed her hands. "I know it's a little scary. I'm scared too. And I know Logan probably feels the same way. But we're all on the same team. We're in this together."
Olivia did not feel like they were in this together. They were so far apart. And Elijah was still unreachable in jail.
"What if - what if we come over there with you and Andy?" she pleaded. "I don't mind going so far to school."
Blake let go of her hands and held her face in his hands. "We can't do that, Liv. We don't want to make Logan drive that much either, right?"
"Blake, you don't understand," she said tightly. "You weren't there. I can't do this."
There had been so much blood and Logan had been so angry. Maybe Blake wasn't afraid of facing Logan down when he was like that, but Olivia had no idea what to do.
"You can do this," Blake insisted, letting go of her. "And you know why I know that? Because you've been through so many other things all by yourself. You had no one then, and you still got through it. You have me now. If you feel like you can't handle something, you can call me right that moment. I will come."
"This is way worse than gangs and murderers."
Blake gave her a thin-lipped smile "I know."
And then Olivia remembered that he really did know. If Logan had been sixteen when he'd tried to kill himself, Blake had been thirteen. He'd been younger than she was right now. And he had learned to do this.
"How can I help you be less scared?" Blake asked.
"I..." Olivia's breath caught in her chest. I want you here with me, she wanted to say, but she knew he couldn't. "I just - don't know what to do. Right...right then."
"Ah." Blake nodded. "Shall I give you some crappy advice Elijah once gave me that I have used ever since I was thirteen?"
Olivia managed a smile on hearing about Elijah's bad advice. Elijah had quick fix solutions for everything, even though most of them were questionable. "Okay."
"Right. Okay. I know this sounds very stupid but... if you ever want to hypothetically stop someone from doing something immediately, all you have to do is - tackle them."
Olivia's lip curled. That was not what she was expecting. Even Elijah didn't have that bad of ideas. "Tackle them? Really?"
Blake shrugged. "I told you it was crappy Elijah advice." He stood up and stood in the center of Olivia's room.
"Come on then."
Olivia eyed him warily. "What?"
"You are in need of some practice."
"I am so not doing this."
"This is exactly what Elijah did with me, so this is exactly what I'm going to do with you. Gotta carry on the big brother tradition." He blew her a kiss. "Come on. Tackle me."
"You're going to get hurt."
Blake glanced behind him. Finding nothing but the carpet, he said, "I'll be fine." He straightened his shirt, bent his knees slightly, rubbed his hands together, and shook out his arms. "Are we doing this or what?"
"This is stupid," Olivia said, but he was really trying, in his own way, to help. Maybe it was only to make her laugh, maybe this all would end up being completely unhelpful, she had no idea. But she knew her brother had never let her down before.
She stood up and walked up to him so she was two feet away. Then she carefully pushed him at the shoulders.
He didn't even rock backwards.
Blake frowned. "Don't tell me that was your tackle."
"I'm not going to hit you or something!"
"Olivia, you are my favorite sister, but really, this is so not little sister behavior. You're supposed to want to drop me and put me in a chokehold. If I told Logan to tackle me, he would tackle me thirty times, no questions asked."
Olivia heaved a sigh and rolled her eyes. "Okay, well, we're not exactly normal siblings."
"Livy, you can't use that excuse forever. And let me tell you right now, we are normal, thank you very much." He pushed her about five feet away from himself, backed away to his original spot, and resumed his stance.
"Okay. Now imagine you suddenly see me on the other side of the room. And I'm reading your diary. How're you going to tackle me?"
"I don't have a diary."
"That's why we're imagining!"
"Okay, okay."
Olivia wrung her hands a few times. She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants.
"Imagine I'll be more hurt if you don't tackle me," Blake said.
Olivia took a running leap.
She crashed right into him and Blake let out a little oof and they both fell into a tangled, painful pile on the floor. Blake's elbow went right into Olivia's stomach and her knee hit him in the hips and he nearly poked her eyes out trying to stop their heads from smashing into each other.
Blake weakly pushed her off him and curled over on his side into a fetal position and wheezed.
"Oh my gosh, Blake, are you okay?" Olivia said.
Logan skidded into the door, his eyes wild. "I heard a noise -" His eyes found Blake and Olivia on the floor, Blake struggling to breathe.
He dropped right down to his hands and knees next to Blake and put one hand on his shoulder and the other beneath his head. "Blake, are you okay? Answer me!"
Blake's wheezing turned into shaking gasps, and for a few moments, Olivia panicked and grabbed her phone to call an ambulance.
Then Logan grumbled, "You scared me, you little shit," and shoved Blake away and leaned back against the wall, sighing in frustration and dragging his hand down his face.
That was when Olivia heard. Blake wasn't gasping from choking. He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.
Olivia let out a sigh of relief. She thought she'd broken his ribs or something.
"What the fuck were you two doing?" Logan growled when Blake inhaled an easier breath and groaned.
Olivia's mouth went dry as she tried to think of something, but Blake casually murmured, "Football practice." He coughed a few times. "Olivia's trying out for the team."
"She goes to a stupid Catholic school. There is no team!"
Blake gasped. "How rude! The discriminaton! Catholic schools have football teams!"
Logan muttered something that sounded like, why do I even try, and pushed himself off the floor. "I know this was your idea, Blake. Quit it with these football maneuvers or the downstairs neighbors are going to complain."
Then he left.
Olivia pushed Blake's sweaty hair off his forehead and got a good look at his red face. "Football practice? Are you serious? Are you hurt?"
Blake was grinning like an idiot. "I'm fine, Livy. But you should've seen your face - you were so determined-"
He dissolved into giggles again, but that just made Olivia more worried.
"Are you being hysterical? Should I get Logan? I think-"
"I think Logan has made you into even more of a worrywart than he is." Blake scooted his head onto her lap and slid his arms around her middle. "Relax, I'm fine."
"I'm sorry, I didn't think I was going to knock you down so hard."
"Olivia. 'Tis the job of an older brother to let his little sister knock him down and show her how to get back up." He cleared his throat a little. "I'm fine, I'm not even bruised."
"Are you really sure?"
"Yes. I am so great. You are so great." He gave her a squeeze. "And I know you are going to be just perfectly fine."
*****
Although Olivia knew for a fact that she was never going to use Elijah's tackling methods on Logan - he was so much skinnier than Blake and she was definitely going to hurt him if she did that - every time she thought of Elijah letting tiny Blake tackle him brought a smile to her face, and she felt immensely better.
When she got to her and Angel's hiding spot during Ms. Mayhew's class, Angel wasn't there. She did, however, find a note on the windowsill.
Went out for a smoke, be right back, it said. And there was a loopy arrow pointing out towards the window.
Olivia put her things down and took out her phone and resumed watching the movie she and Blake had started yesterday. Blake had even pestered Logan enough that he sat to watch with them for half an hour, but he'd returned to studying for his exam after that.
Fifteen minutes went by. Angel didn't come back. Olivia put down her phone and stood on her tiptoes to try to see out the window where he went.
She sat back down, but after another five minutes, she started to feel nervous. Blake was right. It wasn't Logan's influence, but she was getting anxious over everything.
She left her backpack in the hallway and crept down the empty hallways, hiding from the teachers who would send her back to class. At the front door, she waited until the security guard rose from his seat and began to make his usual round through the hallways, then pushed the door open to go outside.
She found him on the side of the school, sitting on a metal bench. She opened her mouth to call out to him, but then from a distance, she saw the way his shoulders shook and how he kept wiping at his eyes.
She sat down next to him a few feet away, and when he didn't move away or tell her to go, she bit her lip. "Hey, Angel...are you okay?"
He took a long drag of his cigarette and held it in while he nodded.
He wasn't crying anymore - he'd stopped by the time she had reached him - but his red-rimmed eyes gave away everything. "What's going on?" she asked.
He turned his face away from her and blew out the smoke in one long, steady stream. Without turning back to face her, he rasped, "It's none of your damn business, Powers."
Olivia's gut dropped into her toes. Blake was wrong. She was absolutely terrible at this. She pulled her knees to her chest and looked away in the opposite direction. "Sorry."
Angel was like a ray of sunshine. No matter what mood Olivia was in, he was usually upbeat, carefree. To hear his voice so cold and dismissive - Olivia would be lying if she said it didn't hurt. She felt awful.
"No." Angel's quiet voice surprised her. "I'm sorry. That was mean of me."
"It's fine. It's not my business." Olivia cringed at the way her voice came out snappy. Angel was never snappy when she was taking it out on him. She took in a deep breath and turned back to face him. "Seriously, it's fine."
Angel put the cigarette back to his lips and took in a deep, vigorous inhale like he was a drowning person sucking in his last chance at oxygen. His next three breaths were equally as painfully desperate.
"I'm sorry," he said again, covering his face with his free hand and wiping at his already-swollen eyes. "I know you don't like it when I smoke next to you."
Olivia hoped the wind was carrying away the majority of it. If she smelled like smoke, there was going to be hell to pay when she got on Logan's bike in the afternoon. Still, she waved away his apologies. He nearly always had it out by the time she walked into the hallway where they met for third period, and if not, he stamped it out as soon as he saw her.
"Angel, really, it's okay. Don't worry about that right now."
She glanced down at the gravel beneath the bench and when she saw that there were six more cigarette butts on the ground, she started to feel panicked. "Um...how long have you been out here?"
His face crumpled and he whispered, "Since first period."
"Is there...is there someone you want me to call for you? Your brother or-"
Angel's shaky laugh turned into a terrible sob and tears began to run down his face. "My brother..." he said in a trembling voice.
He held the last bit of his cigarette in his mouth as he dug through his pants pockets with shaking hands. When he took out a box of cigarettes, Olivia gently pulled it away from him, put it in her pocket, and held both his hands in hers.
"Your brother? Is he okay?"
Angel spit out the cigarette between his feet and ground it out with his shoe. He gave her a watery, half-smile. "Will you give me back my cigarettes if I tell you?"
"Maybe. Not really. No. But go on."
He let go of one of her hands to wipe his nose on his sleeve, then put his hand back in hers. "Well...I told you he has a dangerous job. And that sometimes he doesn't come home because he's working."
"Yes."
Tears dripped onto their hands. "I know he has to do this and he'll be away, but he's been gone for so long and I - I don't know when he's going to be back or if he's okay or if he's alive or - or - dead -" His voice broke and he shuddered.
Now Olivia was even more panicked. A job where Angel didn't even know if his brother was alive? When Elijah went to work, or Blake or Logan went to school, she never wondered if they were going to just never come back.
She'd thought Angel was naive and too cheerful. She'd thought he was oblivious to pains and terrors like she'd been through and it made her frustrated sometimes. But all along, it was her that was way, way too in over her head.
Her skin crawled.
"Sorry," Angel murmured through his tears, releasing her hands and wiping fruitlessly at his eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, it's really nothing, I'm sure he's fine, I'm just being dramatic-"
"Angel."
"Yeah?"
"Stop apologizing." She pulled her sleeve over her wrist and helped him wipe his tears, which finally dried up after a few minutes. Olivia leaned back and gently nudged his foot. "Your brother's pretty great, isn't he?"
Angel laughed shakily. "When he's not being a stubborn ass."
"When was the last time you saw him?"
He shook his head. "I can't tell."
"What kind of job-"
"I can't say, Olivia. I can't - I can't put him in more danger."
"Okay." Olivia sat back and tried to reassess.
She wished she knew what the hell was going on.
The idea came to her slowly as she sat there in silence with him for a while. It started with a small thought, then grew even though she didn't want it to. She didn't want to give in and ask him. She didn't want it to be Milo all over again.
But she also couldn't just sit here with Angel, who had comforted her many times and been a real friend when she felt like she didn't fit in, and just be silent.
She cleared her throat nervously and hoped she wasn't making one big huge mistake.
"You know...if there's no one else at home...." She took a deep breath. "You can come over."
Angel shook his head immediately. "Olivia, I told you, it's fine."
"But you've been alone at your house for so long."
"No, I don't want to intrude-"
"You won't intrude. Just come over."
"Your brother will kill me."
Olivia wished Logan would stop giving that impression to people. It was stupid having to explain that he was physically incapable of hurting someone. "He's not really the serial killer type."
"That's not very reassuring." He shook his head. "Thanks, but I'm okay. Really. Thank you for coming out here. I'm sure he'll come home soon."
And because Angel was being so adamant about not wanting to come over, Olivia felt a little relieved. Maybe this wasn't going to be Milo.
"Here, give me your phone." When he reluctantly handed it over to her, she typed in her address and gave it back to him. "There. Be there after school. My brother brings his bike so he can't take you home too."
"Maybe you should ask him first."
Olivia knew she probably should. Logan hated surprises.
"I'll ask him when we get there. I'm seriously telling you to be there. This is not an option. Okay? You can eat dinner and then go home. But please don't go home and just be sad all by yourself."
Olivia knew the look Angel had on his face. Logan had it right before he gave in and admitted something he didn't want, or gave in to her wishes. She knew he must be so exhausted and tired of turning people who wanted to help him down and just mere inches away from giving in and taking their help.
"Okay, sounds good, I'll see you there!" she said before he could deflect or say no again. She pulled him up by the sleeve. "Come on now, let's go inside before the bell rings."
The thing Olivia was supposed to find out didn't fit in this chapter soo that's for next time!
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I'm going to work less starting this week so hopefully another chapter up next SUNDAY.