"I just wanna see my dad"
- ♥️ -
IT'S SOPHOMORE week this week, which we also call spirit week.
Sophome week is basically everyday there's a new theme the sophomores are following.
Today it was School spirit day and I am wearing my softball jersey and some white shorts.
I paint two stripes on each side of my face that are white and green and go downstairs and eat my breakfast.
My mom isn't using her car today, so I'm driving instead of walking with the Waltons.
I pack my bag with some lunch, snacks and my water bottle and then leave.
I drive to school and meet the Waltons and Kylee infront of the school.
Jayla is the only one that isn't wearing green and white, but Javon is wearing a green Nike tech pants with a white t-shirt and a the tech fleece jacket. Jaden is wearing his jersey and some white sweatpants and Kylee is wearing a white tank top and some green falre jeans.
We walk into the building and in my first class I finally see Kenley and Kinlee.
My bestfriends Kenley and Kinlee are both wearing their softball jersey and white shorts. We're all matching cause why tf not?
The class starts and we basically just talk all the time.
The whole day goes by and on after school I drive and watch some Gilmore girls and watch my phone.
My school day:
1st period: English
2nd period: Chem
3rd period: Spanish
4th period: maths
5th period: science
6th period: free period today
After watching Gilmore girls I change into my Nike pros, a sports bra from lulu and head to the gym.
I stay at the gym for about one to one and a half hour and whilst workouting I just listen to my music.
After the gym I stop at a place and have a smoothie and then drive home.
When I get home I make myself some dinner (cottage cheese with honey and strawberrys) and then read November 9, watch some Top Boy and go to sleep.
- Tuesday -
I wake up, do my skincare and go downstairs, eat my breakfast go back upstairs and do my makeup (covergirl clean concealer, benefit cookie highlighter, milk blush and lipstick, catrice bronzer, a white NYX eyeliner, chanel lip gloss, glossier mascara, glossier cloud paint, glossier zit stick and bring my dior lip oil, dior maximizer and glossier lip gloss)
Today for the theme for spirit week is pjs day, and I wear a black and red pj pants with black spaghetti strap tank top and a Luke's diner hoodie (it's a hoodie with a Luke's diner logo) that I just bring.
I pack my bag and go out to the others. I tell them that I am hurting after he gym yesterday so I drive today too, but I pick up Kenley and Kinlee cause they wanted me too.
Kenley is wearing some black and green pj pants with a black crop top.
Kinlee is wearing a black and dark blue pj pants with a black Jordan hoodie.
We drive to school and in class I'm mostly sitting by myself doing my work and listening to music.
The day once again goes by, and I drive home drink some water and pack my volleyball bag.
After volleyball I head straight to the gym cause I'm trying to finally get a body that I can actually feel comfortable in.
I listen to my music and then head home and make myself some matcha.
After drinking that I watch Nicole Laenos recent videos because after Emma stopped posting Nicole became my comfort youtuber.
After that I decide to drop dinner tonight and instead scroll on Instagram and Tiktok.
@kinleesoros
Kenley>>>Kali (sorry babe love u too tho Kali) @kenleyarmani
@kaliimolina
The caption really wasn't necessary😃
👆
No sorry ily
👆
Clearly wayyy less than u love Ken, but it's no biggie. Have fun in your awesome duo babes❤️
@kenleyarmani
Love u💘💘
*liked by kinleesoros*
@aminmolina
Uh Kinlee wtf is this?
👆
The truth, A
@marcusskg
Dude what the actual fuck?
👆
What?
@lilyavamae
Girl you two are her bestfriends how could you do that to her?
👆
Idk I guess she just wants pretty enough to be our friend
@_delilahh
She trusted you guys with her life, everyone could tell that. Your loss not hers.
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Actually is is her loss. She is a fat ugly cow who just lost two girls with a better body and face then Kendall and Kylie Jenner
👆
Confident much?
After reading Delilahs last response I couldn't read anymore.
Was that really what the girls I though was my bestfriends thought of me?
I burst into tears.
That is exactly what I'm doing all this for.
I eat one meal a day and it's always a plain salad and if I'm really happy I'll add some cucumbers, I workout everyday and I have softball and volleyball 5 times a week, but I guess I'd have to pull it even further.
No food except from salad BUT ONLY if anybody doesn't trust that I eat enough.
Only water or diet coke.
And still workout everyday but a longer and harder workout routine.
I don't know how long I can keep this going before collapsing, because everyday I walk around hungry all the time, but I will continue until I do collapse if that is what it takes.
I just want to be pretty and skinny like the others and I'll do anything to make it happen.
- Wednesday -
For Spirit week today we had green day, and I decided to go with some linen pants, a green glossier hoodie and if I her really hot I have a green tank top underneath. I also wore some green Jordan 4s.
I got ready, packed my bag and left.
I was gonna walk with the Waltons, but I wanted to be alone with my music. I needed time to process stuff in my life.
My dad died a year ago and I'm still processing, my dance career failed right after because I didn't have the right body and I'm still processing, I got an eating disorder 9 months ago and I'm still processing, I attempted to kill myself 6 and 3 months ago and I'm still processing, I lost my two best friends yesterday and I'm still processing.
I guess my last year has been so hard and I've never actually had time to think about it.
At school I walk all around with my airpod in at all times blasting music , after school at softball practice I do well but don't talk with the others, at the gym I'm doing my stuff right but still in my own world, at volleyball I make my team win when coach splits us up but I don't really care and I never talk to the others.
I drive home and the second I walk in my house I put in my airpods.
I go up to my room and watch Tiktok.
Jaden knocks on my door and I open and he talks but I can only get out small things like are u okay, better, dumb, don't care and I don't understand a shit but I stand there nodding.
I nod and I do it lightly but suddenly I feel dizzy like I shked my head so hard I feel dizzy and my eyes unfocus and I feel myself falling to the floor fainting.
• • •
Next thing I know I wake up laying on my couch next to Jaden and he's sitting there watching me but at the same time it's more like he's watching the air, like he's just looking and don't see anything particular. He probably just zoned out, I do it all the time.
He suddenly blinks a little and then starts talking.
"Are you okay Kali?" - Jaden
I look at him and in his eyes I can't tell if I see hurt, disappointment, anger or worry.
Probably worry.
When I look into those eyes it's like they're staring into my soul, and I want to lie so bad. Tell him I'm just fine and that I probably just was a little dehydrated but with his eyes I know I couldn't lie to him. I know it isn't physically possible for me to lie to him.
He looks so worried, and I realize that the last person I remember looking at me like that was my dad.
Two days before he passed away I had a softball competition.
I had just batted and when I was running I slipped on something, and started bleeding for my head.
He was as always sitting on first row and he was the first one to come rushing over to me, he saw my forehead and he looked at me, his eyes so similar to Jadens right now and suddenly I know that if he was still alive I'd be laying here next to my dad and not my friend.
All these thoughts running around and a tear slip from my eye... Then another, and suddenly tears are streaming down my face.
I can't stop crying and I knek that's its the first time he's ever seen me cry. None of my friends has ever seen my cry, no matter how long I've known them.
When I was 6, I promised myself to never cry infront of people because your weakness is something people will use against you.
I never trusted anyone enough to cry infront of them, except from my dad tho.
Everytime he saw me cry he sat down next to me, held my hand and dried my tears.
He told me how proud he is of me, and he told me to fell him what happened. If I told him someone had done something to me he always wanted to do something about it, and no matter what ha always had a way to make me feel better.
He told me to count. He told me to breathe and count. I was gonna breathe five times with five seconds between them. Deep breaths.
I don't know why but it always helped, and still have everything until this very moment. Oh well and one other time.. The time at my dad's funeral. I cried so hard the counting and breathing didn't help. And then I had to hold a speech.
I still remember it word by word.
"I remember when my dad told me about his family. I remember my dad telling me that his mother was an amazing woman and that she'd would give up anything for her kids, until one day when he was 14 she wouldn't anymore. Now she would rather give up anything for her alochol. When this happened his dad took care of them. His dad was the best person he knew, he was the one who was there for his kids but also for his wife. He was the only one that understood that being an alcoholic isn't a choice, and he helped his wife. My grandma started rehab when my dad was 15, and on her last day of rehab they were driving home and the bridge.. The bridge, it was slippery because it had just rained. The car drove off the bridge into the water, and there went his only parents. He was now the man in his house, he had to take care of his brother and so hid did. Or at least he thought. His brother had started doing drugs to handle the pain from the massive loss. One day he was there eating dinner with his brother and the next he was laying in his bedroom on the floor right after an overdose. My dad always blamed himself for that. He thought he'd been a better big brother than maybe his little brother would still be here. It wasn't his fault, but I know for a fact he thought it was until the day God decided his time was up. In that year my dad lost more than most people do their whole life. He lost his whole family, his favorite people in the time period of 258 days exactly. No living human deserves what my dad went through, and I don't want to sound selfish but I hate that he was the one that had to experience it, because he was the best person alive. Ever. But luckily a couple of years later he got better and recovered in his own way. It was summer an my dad was 18. He was on the football team, an voted for best abs and he always had a date on Saturday night. This particular night he was on d a date with a girl named Josie. On a dare they went skinny dipping in the lake. My dad could never turn down a dare. A farmer called the police and when they shined there lights on them my dad told them to turn around so they could get there clothes on. Instead he took Josies hand and his clothes and ran. For not the first time and definitely not the last. My dad lost mor than many people in one year, but he also lived more than many people do their whole lifes in one night. My dad was a force of nature. And he taught me-He taught me that love is about making brave choices every day. That's what he did. He picked love, he picked us, but he also picked adventure. And now he's out on a new adventure and I wish him luck." that was my speech.
Suddenly Jaden speeks up and he's wondering what's wrong.
"Jade, I need you to let me go becasue I'm Im tired, I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of worrying about my looks and not eating enough. I'm tired of going to the gym every single day but not even doing it for myself. And most of all I just wanna see my dad.. I just wanna see my dad." I said tears running down my face.
"I know K... I know. I know how much you loved him, I know how much you admired him, I know how much he admired you and I know that you both were each others biggest fans. But we can't do anything right now except from praying that he's doing well where he is, and since he's gone you Kali, you have to live for him. Not your brother, not your mother but you, because he loved you more than anyone in the entire world, and that means he's probably watching us right now and he's missing you so incredibly much. He's probably wishing that he could be here comforting you and helping, but he can't. I can Kali. I am here. Now and always" Jaden said trying comfort me.
To be honest I don't really know if that speech made me for sad or happy, but I was thankful to have him there by my side.
"I know.. I just wish that there was something I could say to raise him from the dead. Or that I could be the sky on the 4th of July" I say wiping my tears. My dad died on the 4th of July and I don't know if that makes me hate the 4th of July or not, but at the same time it kinda feels like all the fireworks are for him which is pretty cool.
Jaden comforts you until at some point you fall asleep.
- Thursday -
It's culture day today, and I'm from Egypt so I'm wearing a Tob Sebleh to school.
I don't bother doing my makeup today because I'm not in the mood.
At school I get through the first 2 period then in the 3rd period we have this "catwalk show"
Basically we just put a bunch of desks next to eachother and walk it.
Everytime people walk everybody whistles and/or claps
I don't bother doing it like I'm actually I model because I want to go home and watch TV and eat pizza.
So I do.
I tell the teacher I'm sick, walk home, watch my phone and then some top boy and after a while order some pizza.
The delivery guy shows up with my pizza and I continue doing what I was doing and eating my pizza and then I fall asleep.
- Friday -
It's Friday and for Spirit Week we're going to Destin, Florida and staying there for the weekend. The bad thing is I haven't packed.
I woke up early today so I have time tho.
I quickly take a shower cause my lazy ass didn't do it yesterday, and I shave and then do my skincare and makeup (covergirl clean concealer, benefit cookie highlighter, milk blush and lipstick, catrice bronzer, a white NYX eyeliner, chanel lip gloss, glossier mascara, glossier cloud paint, glossier zit stick and bring my dior lip oil, dior maximizer and glossier lip gloss.)
I pack that stuff and then I pack:
5 bikinis, 5 tank tops, 3 dresses, 2 crew necks, 2 skirts, 3 crop tops, 1 pair of jeans, hair products and 3 pair of shoes.
Yes I am and overpacker, it's friday and we're leaving on Sunday but I really couldn't give two fucks.
I take my bag downstairs, and then I quickly drive tot the store for some snacks and food for the bus ride. It's only 5 hours but whatever I'm still getting a bunch of stuff.
After that I drive to beach bowls to get my acai bowl, and then I drive home.
I eat my acai bowl and brush my teeth, quickly packing it in the side pockets and then I head to school.
When I get to school I see the van we're driving in.
It's really big and it fits about our whole class.
I get in and there's 4 seats on each row next to eachother so me, Jaden, Javon and Kylee sit in the row in the far back.
After everyone had gotten in we start driving and take up my snacks and drinks.
I always buy extra cause these dumb fuckers somehow always forgets it.
We eat some and then decide to go live.
For about 15 minutes we don't really answer questions but instead just talk to eachother and the camera and laugh idk.
After those 15 minutes we start answering some questions.
After a while we turn the live off and then just talk.
• • •
When we get there the first thing we do is to check into the hotel, and then go up to our rooms (I'm with Kylee, Maddy and Delilah) and then we all change cause it's really hot here.
I change into a pair of shorts, a tank top and just a black hawaii crewneck from Brandy.
I pack my 'beach bag' where I basically just keep my phone, wallet, sunscreen, towel, bikini, hair clip, a cap and some glossier lip balm.
We go downstairs and we all head for the beach.
At the beach we just chill, swim a little, tan a little and then swim some more.
After a while me, Delilah and some other people start getting hungry and we walk to this beach restaurant where they have sushi.
We order some sushi and sit down and eat.
I get Jaden to take a photo of us, and we look cute so I post it on insta.
@kaliimolina
Me n Ly are so cute💘🙀 @_delilahh
@thejaylawaltonofficial
💯💯
*liked by kaliimolina and 13.6k others*
@_delilahh
We are the cutest 💪
👆
Obviously 💪
@_kylee.pruitt
Oh.. Cute haha
👆
<33
@onwardwanna
🌴🌞🍣=best thing ever
👆
yes Javon fax
@onwardjdub
pic creds to me tho
👆
no
@aminmolina
swag
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swaggy baggy laggy
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stfu Kali😃
I read the last comment, me and Ly finish eating and then we go back, tan some more and swim some more.
• • •
Basically the rest of our trip the days were like that, and then on Sunday we left again.
a/n: this used to be so much longer, but it disappeared. I hate my life.