TW: death, suicide, grief
8 years later
I grow old without you, mother.
Every time the candle on my cake is snuffed out, it is your face that I am imagine waiting behind it year after year. Hopeless and pitiful, that is one wish the Universe is unable to grant.
Each rotation of the Earth brings new hardships and achievements, new cycles of sorrow and sparks of joy. Life moves through me sometimes like a gentle breeze and others like a torrential downpour.
But, you're not here to see any of it.
Harry and I move back into my childhood home, but it no longer stands as a mausoleum or haunted shrine. We breathe life back into the empty shell and make it ours: tearing down the old wallpaper and painting it a bright yellow, replacing the dusty furniture and rusted appliances, fixing broken windows and dangerous stairs. The once barren walls in our home are now filled with photos Harry has taken over the years and ones of our family that I shoved into a closet many years ago.
It doesn't hurt nearly as much to look at them now.
I also fight off the weight of my grief and finally clear out your bedroom the year after Harry moves in. It is arduous and emotional and Harry offers to help, but I don't let him. It is deeply personal to sort through all the jewelry you loved so much and books you never got a chance to read, your letters from old boyfriends and your neatly folded lingerie. Each item brings me closer to knowing you and breaks my heart a little more.
I donate most things, but I keep your last half-empty bottle of Chanel No. 5 just for myself.
And just like that, I pack your life away into three neat little boxes.
My strong desire to keep you tethered to this realm would've forced me to keep your room untouched and closed-off for the foreseeable future, but a happy surprise makes that impossible.
My belly grows large with life, two twin girls born shortly before the 17th anniversary of your death on the night of the blood moon —a symbol for healing and positive change.
And throughout the nearly 13 hours I spent in labor, all I could think about was how desperately I wanted you by my side to hold my hand and coax me through it. How desperately I wanted your guidance, wanted to see your pride, wanted to see you become a grandmother.
How desperately I wanted my mother to see me become a mother.
I enter this new role in life without you and it is like losing you all over again.
Grief is not linear, but more akin to the ebb and flow of a tide. And after giving birth to my girls, I was pulled under by the riptide. I hardly remember that first year and it shames me to think of how absent I was, how much I must have missed. Harry took a leave of absence from work to fill in when I couldn't, but he never once made me feel bad for it.
Of course, you were always hovering around me, always there... just not in the way that I needed.
The girls are three now and are made up of the best parts of Harry and I.
Juno Roux has sun-kissed hair like yours, her curls just as unkempt as Harry's and always in her face. She has his mossy eyes, but my pouty lips and Wren's dimpled chin that she subconsciously touches when she's thinking really hard.
Wren Roux has the same chestnut hair as her namesake and just as thick too. She has your stormy grey eyes, but my freckles dance across her cheeks and Harry's deep dimples sprout whenever she smiles —which is infrequent, but always dazzling.
Juno is mischievous and daring, always coming inside from playing in the garden with mud caked on her legs and some insect in her palm. She clings to Harry, constantly seeking his approval —which he so readily gives— and has made easy friends with almost every other child in town. She has already shown signs of the Sight, often staring at the air with an expression I've worn many times, though she doesn't quite yet know how to put what she sees into words.
Harry thinks that she has taken after him, but the fire in her spirit and inquisitive mind makes me believe that she truly is like you, reborn.
Her aura is a brilliant magenta that radiates off of her in waves. The shade is a perfect blend of the wild ferocity in red auras and the peaceful positivity in blue ones. It reflects her strong individualism, natural leadership, and unshakable sense of loyalty.
Wren is soft and shy, tagging along with her sister every time Juno leaves a room, but only to observe and watch over her. She likes to help me in the garden, insatiably curious about life and tending to it. Though she expresses very little, she always leaves the chair in front of the kitchen window open for Juno because she loves to look outside while we eat and she brings every pretty rock she finds to Nan because Wren thinks she collects them.
She understands others in ways it took me decades to learn and has such sharp intuition of things to come that these traits must come from Nan. But, it is her namesake I see in every thoughtful word and selfless act.
Her aura is a deep indigo blue and shifts behind her as languidly as clouds. It's a beautiful hue that represents her great sensitivity to the energy of others and natural clairvoyance. It reflects how deeply she feels connected to the earth and her even stronger bonds to her loved ones.
My devotion to them confounds all reason, they have become my world entire.
Still... I had been motherless for so long it took me awhile to learn what it means to mother.
I acted more like a warden that first year, too afraid to let them wander on their own, to not constantly be under my watchful eye.
I was shackled in a prison of fear because after so many years spent wishing and yearning, I finally had a family to call my own... and I was so terrified of losing it again. Losing them like I had lost you and father.
Harry's endless support and patience eventually worked to uncurl my fist and trust the Universe and the girls. I slowly began to enjoy the life happening around me, enjoy the trials and joys of motherhood.
And it was only through becoming a mother myself that I began to understand you.
Your desperation to be better for me, your sorrow when you fell short, your fear that I might be better off without you... I share those same doubts, but fight against them every day because I know now that having a mother who tries and fails is better than not having one at all.
And I want to be there for them in all the ways you couldn't be there for me.
So, I am... and my days are so perfectly peaceful and calm, simple and lovely.
Harry opens a portrait studio in town that caters to weddings, family portraits, and graduation photos, but he often travels for more professional shoots as a freelancer. I went with him on these trips before the girls arrived and got to see parts of the world and the people that you always wanted to. Harry and I both have paused our travels while the twins are young, but I look forward to bringing them with us eventually.
Though Nan is still spritely and nearly untouched by time, I have taken over most of her duties at the shop with some help from Niall.
The truth is that I sometimes still feel lost and unsure, life pulling me one way and pushing me another. I have only really begun to think about what it is that I truly want in the last few years since Wren's death, but it is so hard to focus on myself when I spent my entire life devoted to another. I find that I'm really discovering myself for the first time —what impassions me and what my ultimate role on this planet should be.
For now, I focus on my family and repaying my great debt to Nan.
Nan, who was deprived of much of my childhood due to your estrangement. Nan, who quite literally dropped her entire life in France to care for a grandchild across an ocean that she hardly knew. Nan, who endured years of scorn and derision just so she could raise me in a town that kept me close to my parents.
Nan saved me all those years ago and now I repay that debt in kind. Take the small burden of running the shop off her shoulders so she can travel back to France frequently, date the town florist freely, and teach her new friends the art of Tarot.
Because, surprisingly, the townspeople have kept their promise all these years. The Roux Project is now an official week-long event held annually. Naturally, I help organize the different activities and make a commencement speech that emphasizes the importance of community and the standard that Wren set.
The girls think it's some kind of celebration for them and one day I might tell them the truth, but I let them have their fantasies for now.
Antonio actually comes into town during that week to participate and fulfill his obligations as my godfather. I can tell, though, from the droop in his shoulders and the murk in his emerald aura, that he still harbors much guilt and grief over your death and his betrayal. He nearly breaks his back doing the hard labor the town requires year after year, as if he can purge the shame from his pores through his sweat.
It's not easy or comfortable, but his presence gets easier to accept with time and my heart grows light with forgiveness.
This forgiveness also stretches over the town.
Because I'm no longer an outcast. Yes, there may still be a few stubborn people who refuse to accept my presence or still believe me to be an evil witch, but their voices are easily overpowered by the neighbors that bring me fruit from their garden, by the barista that has my usual order ready for me every morning, by the people who greet me as I pass them instead of crossing the street.
But, mostly, I forgive them because my daughters get to grow up in a community that accepts them... that even cherishes them.
The people are kind to the girls in ways they never were to me. Adults love to dote on them and the children always want to play with them. It seems no one in town can resist their delightful laughter and charming babbles.
To know that my children will never have to know the pain of unwarranted rejection and banishment melts away any resentment marring my soul.
I wish, more than anything, that you could see how the town has transformed... how I have transformed. I think about just how much I want that every day.
I have lived with the ghost of you for nearly 20 years now. I have mourned you longer than I have known you.
All this time, I couldn't bring myself to free your spirit because there was still so much hurt in my heart that only your presence could heal. Because I used your heavy weight as a crutch when the nights got lonely and motherhood seemed overwhelming. Because I couldn't let go of what my life once was. Because I didn't want to be alone.
But, the truth is that I haven't been alone in a long time... I've built a new family on my own to fill the hollow in my heart your loss left behind.
I'm no longer scared to be without you, mother. I feel secure in who I am and content with my life and it seems cruel to keep you tethered to this Earth when all you ever wanted to do was leave it.
You clung to me after your death in spirit form, needing to assuage your own guilt and ensure that I felt none. In turn, I was the one holding onto your spirit because I couldn't imagine a world without you by my side.
But, all I want now is for you to be free, for you to let go of your remorse and move on. Your penance has long been paid and sweet absolution is your reward.
In order for you to finally rest peacefully, I am the one who needs to let go.
So, on this anniversary of your death, after Harry takes the girls into town for ice cream, I descend the stairs down the cliff to the darkening shore below. The last remnants of sunlight create shards of reflective light on the water that I have to squint my eyes against, the sky a darkening fire as the sun makes her descent.
You drag behind me the whole way, feeling sluggish and heavy on my back as if you know what's about to come.
The soles of my feet hit the cool grit of sand and I stare out at the sea for a long time before moving forward, my palms slick with sweat and skin prickling with nerves as I face the beast head-on. Despite my worries, I am drawn in by the hypnotic pull of the tide, the mystery that lies where the horizon meets the ocean and sky. The sea is ancient, it is massive, it is unforgiving.
Despite living on a cliff above the ocean my whole life, smelling the salt breeze every time the wind picks up, feeling it's spray on stormy days, the soft murmur of the waves lulling me to sleep every night, I have not stepped foot into her dark depths for almost 20 years.
Not since those frothy tendrils reached out and pulled you deep into their abyss. Not since this sea became your grave.
Before your death, I would spend nearly every summer on this beach, playing amongst the waves. We would have picnics during the day and bonfires at night and not a day would pass where my fingers didn't prune in the salty water and I didn't find sand in places it didn't belong.
I want my daughters to experience that same carefree joy and I want to cure my thalassophobia so I can share it with them... So I can free you and the haunting memory of your demise.
The beach is deserted on this crisp autumn night and I take my time walking along the safety of the shore up to the point where it suddenly darkens, the tide literally drawing a line in the sand. I stare out at the slate grey water and bury my toes into the grit, anchoring me. Closing my eyes, I imagine you in this exact spot all those years ago, imagine what you must have felt, what you might have been thinking of... If you hesitated at all or were quite sure of your choice.
I've pictured you here on that fateful day so many times I could almost reach out and touch you, pull you back into safety. Too many nights spent wondering how I could have saved you, how things could've ended differently... In the end though, I think you were just too big for this little life and you tried so hard to make yourself small that it only darkened the cloud over your soul.
It wasn't enough —the brief happiness you felt with Wren, the motherly affection that blossomed for me, the passionate love that Antonio gave you— none of it could drown out your great sorrow.
And I'm so, so sorry it wasn't enough.
I spent so much of my life hating you for making that decision. Hating you for cheating on Wren, for not accepting me for who I was, for leaving me behind. Hating you for the guilt I bore the rest of my life, thinking that I was the one to shove your head under the waves.
I don't think I'll ever stop questioning what I could've done, how I could've intervened to stop you, convinced you to stay. I'm sure that those questions will be my last mortal thought before my soul leaves this realm many decades from now.
Still... I don't think that animosity I felt towards you was ever actually real, I just think it was easier to cling to that bitter resentment rather than feel the devastating pain of your loss.
You've stuck with me all these years as an act of contrition, but my heart has long been light with forgiveness, the bitterness that lingered now purified with the birth of my daughters.
Selfishly, I wanted you to stick around a little longer, to watch me become a mother and feel the ghost of your support through it all.
But, I can't keep looking over my shoulder for you anymore. Not when my family needs me to look forward, to look towards them and our future.
My cheeks sting with tears and the water tests me, lapping over my toes and daring me to come inside.
I dig my feet further into the sand and take deep breaths, nightgown billowing in the breeze and hair whipping around my face. There, underneath the overpowering scent of seaweed and salt, is the familiar sharp scent of Chanel No. 5.
I breathe out a laugh as my throat constricts, "Mother."
I feel you here, filling up the usual space around me, enveloping me. But, it's not a heavy and burdensome weight. Instead it is airy and warm and I can almost imagine you in front of me now, holding me as your nails scratch down my back and a sweet lullaby hums from your mouth. I imagine what you would look like with nearly 20 more years on your soul. Imagine your hair slightly grayed at the roots —though, you would never keep it that way for long—, your nails still perfectly manicured, lines beginning to form around your eyes and lips.
The image is so real that when I open my eyes I almost expect to find you in front of me, but am only met with the vast and empty ocean. It is a dull pang, but it passes quickly and I breathe in a lungful of your perfume, basking in your warmth one more time.
Then, I steel myself and my heart and slowly step into the sea for the first time in many years,
the icy tendrils of the water welcoming me home.
I inhale a sharp gasp through my teeth as the bitter cold makes a shiver roll down my spine and my flesh to pucker. Despite the temperature, I keep walking because I'm too afraid to stop until the water laps at my knees. Heart thundering like a drum and body swaying lightly in the tide, I marvel at the darkening sea and my own sudden bravery. I expected to feel some hesitation, some anxiety at reconciling with the ocean, but I'm stunned by the fact that I feel neither.
I'm no longer afraid.
Maybe it's because you're here with me, maybe it's because so much time has passed, or maybe it's just simply because I'm ready.
Either way, my chest pinches with a sudden and sharp feeling of elation, skin flushing despite the biting chill. A relieved laugh shakes my shoulders as I wade further in until the water circles my waist and my nightgown pools around me like a giant jellyfish.
I'm shivering, but I hardly feel it as my eyes burn with deep relief and a knot forms in my throat that makes it hard to swallow. For so long I only thought of the ocean as your tomb —menacing and taunting and full of death.
But, the sea has always been the bringer of life... a cleansing body of water that has largely remained untainted since the dawn of time. It was merely a tool you used for your ultimate goal. The dawn of all life and the dusk of yours.
The tide rocks me gently as I slowly adjust to the brisk temperature and my frayed nerves begin to relax. Though the water is mostly calm, a rogue wave suddenly rushes towards me and, exhilarated, I hold a breath deep in my lungs and dive beneath the surface.
I hear the low hum of the ocean as the wave rolls right over me, the bubbles ticking my skin and cold biting my cheeks. The ancient water seems to cradle me, rocking me gently inside her depths and I can only hope your passing was this peaceful.
I stay under much longer than necessary, feeling weightless and free and... comforted.
I break through the surface with a laugh, slicking my long hair back and rubbing the salt out of my eyes. The giggles don't stop bubbling up my throat and I thank the spirits no one else is on this beach to witness the fully-clothed girl swimming in the ocean and laughing at nothing.
Then they really might have a reason to ostracize me again.
My laughter subsides eventually as I float on my back, looking up to the sky as the last vestiges of light fade completely and the ocean grows as dark as the night above it. My hair dances in the tide as my white dress billows around me and I'm sure that I must look like a ghost, but I also wonder if this is how you looked right before you let the waves pull you under.
I take deep breaths as the night grows still, somehow managing to stay afloat despite your heavy weight on my chest. My teeth chatter incessantly, my nipples ache against the cotton of my nightgown, and I'm sure my lips have turned blue as the wind grows brisk and the icy water continues to lap at my skin. I know I won't be able to last much longer, my tolerance for the weather quickly dwindling and my courage fading with it.
It's time.
I ready my heart and steel my soul as I speak to your apparition, to the Earth, to the Universe.
"Mum, it's okay now... I'll be okay now, I promise." My voice cracks, the words choked by grief, and I savor the feeling of your ghost shifting on my chest. "You did your best and I'm so thankful to you for that... You were a great mum and I'm eternally grateful to the Universe for giving me you."
The smell of your perfume is overwhelming and it's almost as if you uncurl, your spirit folding over my entire body in an embrace. The ocean moves me how it pleases as I smile up into the inky sky, stunned by the bittersweet release.
My chest shudders with the great anguish, but even though it hurts, I know that the pain will subside. I know that this is right and that it is what you deserve.
This is how you heal.
"You can go now knowing that I'm not alone, that I'm surrounded by family and love... that I'm no longer miserable or resentful, but am finally and truly happy." I breathe a laugh up even as my chest aches, the faces of my girls and Harry flashing through my mind. I've lost so much in my life, but have also gained everything I've ever wanted and more.
I won't be able to hug my father again or hear the light lilt of my mother's laugh and that is an agony that will never leave me, but I have Nan's unwavering support and Niall's loyal friendship. I have Harry's devotion and my girls' unconditional love.
And that is enough.
"Thank you for staying by my side all these years, for guiding me, and freeing me from my own guilt... I forgive you, mum and I'm ready to let you go now, to finally say goodbye and put your soul to rest."
I take a deep, steadying breath as the water laps at my skin as gentle as a caress, as if the ocean knows what my purpose is tonight and offers her support. Sniffing and clearing the tears from my throat, I smile up at the blinking stars and you... somewhere beyond them.
"I promise that our story isn't truly over... that we'll meet again in the next life and start anew. Until then, thank you for everything... je t'aime, ma mere."
My voice stumbles over the heartache on my tongue and I swallow a sharp breath, feeling that long-held anguish leave my body as soon as I finish speaking. It is a purge almost two decades in the making and my whole body trembles from the force of it.
I feel the stirrings of your earthly ties coming undone and I savor the weight of your presence one last time. I cling to the familiar feel of your soul wrapped around me like a cloak and the sweet aroma of your perfume seeping into my pores. It's almost as if your apparition holds me tight, the ghost of your fingers stroking my wet cheeks.
And then, as if carried away with the gentle sea breeze... you're gone.
Briefly, it feels as if I'm being ripped apart. Like something crucial is being torn from my flesh, from my soul and it is agonizing and gut-wrenching and then... it is over.
My tears are endless as they slip from the corners of my eyes down to mingle and disappear into the salt of the sea. My lungs rattle with a deep, steadying breath before releasing it into the night air, blinking incessantly at the great liberation. Slowly, my breathing evens out as I adjust to the new lightness of my being and the almost hollow feeling in my chest.
The weight of your spirit is gone, but so is the burden of my grief.
A relieved laugh nearly has me choking on the calm water and I let the healing powers of the ocean coat my flesh as the stars wink at me. I squint up at them like I might see your face up there looking down at me, but I know that's impossible. You have finally moved on and though I am scared to navigate life without you, I know you were never really there... not in the ways I needed. I know relinquishing your soul to the stars is better for us both.
It is a bittersweet goodbye, but one long overdue.
You may have left this earthly plane, but my blood is your blood and my bones were formed from your bones and I am built up of everything you were. Just like how you were made from Nan, my girls too will carry a part of you in them.
And that is how you survive, that is how your legacy carries on.
That fact eases the ache of your loss.
I should get out of the water now, the chill of the wind and waves seeping into my bones and making my whole body shiver, but I feel transfixed by the starry night, by the alien feeling of my soul unbridled by your ghost.
And just when I begin to prepare myself to stand and swim to shore, a brilliant flash of light right above me has my limbs stilling and heart tense.
Streaking across the sky in a bright streak of white is the unmistakable glow of a falling star.
A falling star signifies a soul that has finally been released from purgatory, their business on Earth completed, as they ascend to another realm. This phenomenon can also symbolize great change and life-altering moments. Always, though, these particles of dust travelling across the night sky signify a bright and fulfilling life.
The water ripples with my shocked mirth as more tears blur my vision, the star fading slowly as it flies overhead. I watch it raptly, my disbelieving grin making my chapped lips crack as I laugh in disbelief.
You always did have a flair for the dramatics.
The heartache of freeing you dissipates with the shooting star and I follow its trajectory closely, grateful for this last message. The last vestiges of your familiar perfume fade with the star and I greedily breath in what little is left, feeling a calming sense of peace settle over my soul.
"Goodbye, Mum... rest now." I whisper into the breeze, but I know you won't hear me. Not anymore... and that's okay.
I listen to the lull of the waves crashing against the cliff as the last of the shooting star's particles slowly fall and fade from existence.
Just like yours, the star's life is short, but beautiful.
"Mommy!"
My new moniker is shouted from the shore, shocking me enough to have my head rearing back under the surface and a mouthful of water to nearly choke me. After coughing the salt from my lungs and moving to stand in the water, I look towards the sand and replace my drying tears with a loving grin.
Your namesake clumsily rushes towards me with a nearly toothless grin, feet stomping in the wet sand, and chubby hands reaching out for me. Harry follows behind with Wren in his arms, matching smiles on their faces as he warns Juno not to get in the water.
I wade towards the shore, drawn in by their loving faces as the waves push me forward, towards my family.
I stop when the water licks at my ankles, chuckling as Juno calls me silly for swimming with my nightgown on. Defying Harry's warning, she continues running until she is submerged up to her knees and I quickly sweep her up into my arms. She complains that I'm getting her wet, but her soft giggles betray her pout. Careless of his jeans getting wet, Harry follows behind Juno, eyes filled with curiosity.
"I never thought I'd see the day..."
He might be confused at my methods, but I know he understands why I felt the need to conquer my fear today of all days when I see the proud smile curving up his lips.
"It was time."
I look up towards the sky and Harry says nothing of my vague answer, but he reaches out his free hand to wipe a stray tear from my icy cheek. I lean into his warmth gratefully, my skin still managing to flush from his touch even after all this time.
His chestnut hair is much shorter than when I first met him, but is just as wild. He took out his lip ring many years ago, but seems to have replaced it with a light dusting of stubble. He has fine lines next to his eyes a few stray grey hairs that he refuses to acknowledge.
We're growing old together and I become more attracted to him with every passing day. Even more so when I see him playing dolls with our girls or teaching them how to use his camera or allowing them climb on his shoulders whenever they want. When he places flowers at my parents' graves every Sunday, when he lets Nan read his Tarot even though it still terrifies him, when he makes me vegan pancakes every morning no matter how early it is, when he massages my back whenever I have flare-ups, when he worships my body for hours after coming back from one of his work trips.
I fall for him all over again with every sunset and every sunrise.
The distant streetlights provide enough light for me to see his gaze slowly travel down my body, no doubt noting how my soaked dress molds to every curve of my body and the white color of the material has grown translucent, exposing every detail of my body to his lustful eye.
Harry swallows, a passionate red hue slowly spreading across his cheeks and aura. He curses under his breath as his gaze lingers on my breasts before rising to meet my eyes with a shake of his head and wistful sigh, "I swear the best things always happen to me on this beach."
After crying, it feels so nice to laugh lightheartedly and I playfully shove Harry's chest as the remaining tension in my shoulders eases. By the pleased grin on Harry's face, I suspect that was his goal all along.
Juno nuzzles her blonde curls into my neck and I reach out to kiss Wren's dimpled cheek, earning a delighted giggle in return. Harry brushes my drying hair behind my ear, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on my cold lips.
"Can't say that I'll miss living in a haunted house." His touch lingers on my face like he just can't help himself and his comment earns another breathy laugh from me. Wren babbles to Juno about some rock she found and I glance at Harry with raised brows and a teasing smile.
"Who says my mother was the only ghost living in our house?"
The smile instantly drops from his face as his hand stills, cheeks growing ashen. But, when he takes in my teasing expression he heaves out a relieved sigh, shuddering lightly at the thought and muttering about how evil that joke was.
His hand drops to envelope my own and I marvel at how secure and loved the simple act of handholding can make me feel. I squeeze his palm as our daughters begin to drift off in our arms, slowly beginning to exit the sea's cold embrace.
"Let's go home..." He pauses, a sly smile curling up his face as if he just thought of something great. "Should we race?"
I almost think he's joking, but from the competitive glint in his eye I can tell he's very serious.
I glance between Wren and Juno who are both nodding off. "With the girls sleeping in our arms? That seems unsafe."
Harry hums under his breath and shrugs, "you and I both know these girls could sleep through anything... sounds like you're just scared to lose."
I know he's goading me and from the smug grin on his lips, he knows it'll work too.
"I mean it hardly seems fair since I'm barefoot and soaking wet," Harry chuckles at my petulant tone and I can't help but grin up at him, eternally grateful for his constant dedication to lighten my spirits. "What would the winner get?"
But, then I realize the real reason for his sudden suggestion when a devilish smirk deepens his dimples and he drinks in my body slowly, mossy eyes full of heat and intention.
"Oh... I can think of a few ideas."
My chilled skin flushes at the promise in his voice and I shiver for an entirely different reason than the cold. His eyes drop down to my breasts again and I swallow harshly, heart stuttering.
He meets my gaze finally, that hunger still there, but a softness too. Holding out his palm, he shoots me a small smile.
"Do we have a deal?"
I feel my eyes widen at his word choice and I laugh at the question, warmth spreading through my chest as I remember that first night with Harry on this beach all those years ago. The night that started our entire journey... the night we made our first deal.
I realize that the only reason I was on that dock that night was to mourn you on the 10th anniversary of your death. And maybe, just maybe, Harry's sudden appearance that night wasn't a coincidence... but a gift from you. That maybe you were the one who sent him to me, the one that brought us together.
And despite all the heartache and regret and love and lust that the deal brought us... it all led to this wonderful life.
What fools we were to ever think we wouldn't fall in love. As soon as his lips touched mine that night, our fate was sealed as if a spell was cast.
Our hearts belonged to each other long before we knew it, our souls even before that.
So, I take Harry's palm in mine and squeeze it hard, my words echoing those spoken on this beach all those years ago.
"We have a deal."
He grins, pulling me forward and out of the water. When my feet touch dry land, I turn slightly to glance back at the ocean and all I've left behind there. The last remnants of the shooting star have faded entirely, but I can still feel you leave this realm. Your soul separates from me, not with a yank or pull, but with a soft caress.
With a sad smile, I turn away from your grave and emerge from the sea cleansed and reborn.
Feeling that freedom and revitalization, I break away from Harry's grip suddenly and begin to race down the beach, kicking sand up my drying legs and holding onto Juno tight. I hear Harry's shout of protest behind me and the familiar sound of his footsteps as he begins to chase me, giggling all the way.
Just as Harry suspected, the girls sleep through it all as Harry and I race home, hushing each other and laughing uncontrollably in the crisp autumn night of a town where I've both lost and found love.
And I know that when I inevitably beat Harry home, you won't be there waiting for me anymore.
I grow old without you, mother.
But, that's okay.
You are finally at peace and I am too.
______
THE END!
I have carried this story inside of me for six years... most of you have stuck around that entire time and I can't thank you enough. I've written Nova's story through two presidencies, a pandemic, graduating college, starting law school... the list goes on. It took me a while to finish, but I never gave up on the Roux family and I'm so happy you didn't either.
All of you have made it so worth it. This story and this final chapter is for you.
The Deal started as a spicy romance between Harry and Nova, but as I evolved, so did the story. I wanted share Nova's journey, the trials that grief can bring, and the complex relationship between mothers and daughters. I hope I've accomplished that.
If you take anything from this book, I hope it is Nova's compassionate and resilient soul. I hope it is forgiveness and standing up for yourself. I hope it is empathy and acceptance.
This may not be my most popular book on here, but it is my favorite.
If you want to read more from me, I do have a book called "Renegade" that will be extremely dark and violent and sexual. There are three chapters posted, but they're very old and will be re-written. I plan to begin uploading chapters in the next few weeks. Otherwise, I have another story called Savior and one called Notorious (that is also published so please consider supporting me by purchasing it on Amazon under the name Mags McMillan).
My socials are all @ badbrits if you want to stay connected there.
As always, I will be posting a Q & A soon, so leave any questions you have here!
And I have questions for you:
1. what was your favorite chapter/scene?
2. do you have a favorite quote?
3. did it turn out how you wanted?
In honor of this book, please consider donating to an ab*rtion fund in your state or a state where it will be banned. Protest, educate, vote, and please don't stop fighting.
Thank you for being here. Signing off for the last time,
Mags xx