My head pounds as I open my eyes. I open my mouth and it's dry. Oh no, did I drink last night? I don't remember drinking.
As I squirm, the arms around me pull me closer as if I'm a disobedient teddy bear. I reach for them to peel them off me so that I can get up, when I realise they're smaller than Joes arms.
They're a girls.
As I get out of bed, I slowly turn around and see Maya in my bed.
That's when it hits me.
That's when everything that happened last night hits me. And, it hits me like a freight train.
My chest tightens, as the images of Joe holding Gemma so tenderly, and her gingerly cupping his face flash in my mind.
Bile starts to make its way up my stomach and throat; I rush to the bathroom to throw up. Each heave only worsening the pounding in my head, that I realise now isn't from alcohol; but from crying myself to sleep.
I pull myself up from the floor, and inspect my reflection in the mirror. My face is puffy, my eyes bloodshot, and remnants of mascara are accentuating the bags under my eyes.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, before walking to my shower and turning it on.
Letting the hot water sting my skin helps relax my tightened chest, and let's me drift into a space where my mind can sift through the events of last night.
I know what I saw, and that's the man I love being very close and comfortable with his ex girlfriend. The one he only left because he wanted to be with me.
But, I also went on to innocently hug Dacre -The man who confessed feelings for me- closely afterwards. Without the full story, I can't be sure what happened.
I hate to say it, but this feels like a pattern with us. In all honesty, I should have expected things to come crashing down the minute things started feeling comfortable and easy.
After I turn the shower off, I walk into my room to get dressed.
I expect to see Maya still laying on the bed, but she's no where to be seen and the bed has been made. I smile at how she thinks of the little things.
I decide to put on just some tracksuit pants and a tank top. I am not going anywhere today.
As I make my way into the kitchen, the smell of pancakes and bacon gently caress my nose. I stop and close my eyes, allowing myself a moment to breath it in.
When I open them, I see Maya who is staring at me with a smirk on her face.
She's wearing some of my clothes, I guess because she didn't want to leave me last night, and looks adorable in them.
"If you think the smell is good, wait until you taste it," Maya says proudly.
I grin at her.
"I can see why Robert wants you to move in so bad," I tell her as I slide into the kitchen stool across from her, watching her cook.
Maya rolls her eyes, and then points the spatula at me menacingly.
"Don't you start," She says in as threatening voice as she can muster. For an actor it's not entirely convincing.
I just smile at her, as I watch her put everything onto plates. She then makes me an aspirin and pushes it towards me. How did she know I needed that? She looks up at me and catches the look in my eye.
"What?" Maya asks me.
"I'm just so thankful for you. You're amazing you know, I never feel alone with you in my life," I tell her, a grateful smile on my face. I hope she can feel how sincerely I mean that.
Maya leans forward and takes my hand.
"I feel the same way you know. You're so great to me and I'm so thankful for you," She says softly.
I sigh. Not really feeling as though I have been as good a friend as I could be.
"I feel like I lean on you so much, and I'm never there for you to lean on," I admit.
Maya shakes her head at that.
"I can lean on you! I know I can. Things have just been moving so smoothly for me lately you know? So not much to lean on you for," She tells me.
"What about this thing about moving in with Robert?" I ask her.
Maya stands up straight, letting go of my hand and bites her lip.
"I guess I am a bit... apprehensive. I just feel like sometimes things are maybe... too good to be true? Like, how can things be this good right now. Really? What if moving in together is the fatal catalyst of our relationship," Maya rants.
I raise my eyebrows.
"You think moving in together if things aren't going smooth and fantastic is a better call?" I ask her.
Maya tilts her head to the side and let's out a breath.
"No... no not really. I guess you make a good point. Don't think I don't know you're on his side; being his best friend and all though," She says to me eyeing me suspiciously.
I smile at her, but it must falter for a moment because she takes my hand in hers again.
"I'm sorry, I'm talking about how great my relationship is right now and yours is god-knows-what. Are you okay?" Maya asks.
I shake my head. There's no reason to be anything but honest with her. Robert may be my best friend, but Maya has made her way into that category too.
"It's just so up in the air," I say quietly.
Maya nods slowly, thinking about everything I guess. I realise that out of everyone, she knows Joe quite well. They've been close for awhile.
"Do you believe him?" I ask after it had been quiet for some time.
Maya licks her bottom lip, and brushes her hair behind her ears as she thinks.
"Yeah. Yeah I do. I don't think he'd do anything to ruin what you two have, now that he finally has you," She informs me.
I nod slowly. Part of me believes him too. A big part of me. But, I can't help but wonder if whether he did anything or not really matters at this point. I'm just so tired.
I take my plate and start eating my food in silence. Maya takes my cue and follows suit, glancing at me every now and then, checking in on me to make sure I'm okay.
When we're done, I look at Maya in my sleep clothes again.
"You can borrow more clothes to wear if you want," I let her know, thinking about how her only other outfit is a slinky, silver spaghetti strap dress.
She smiles.
"Thanks! I helped myself to these last night. I didn't want to leave you alone," She says, making me smile.
"Will you be okay if I go take a shower?" She asks me.
I give her a confident nod. She takes that signal and bounds out of the room, down the hallway to my bedroom.
Having her here is great. I need to invite her over for sleep overs more often. Seriously, I get why Robert wants her to live with him.
I start to clean up our dishes from breakfast, and wiping down the benches. My mind wanders over different things. Joe; our relationship, Mayas reluctance to move in, Roberts insistence on it.
I'm properly zoned out, when my doorbell rings. I walk over to the door, thinking it's probably Robert coming to check on Maya and I.
I open the door, and I see Joe. Of course it's him.
He's wearing a red shirt and blue jeans, and even though his eyes tell me he has barely slept and his hair is disheveled, he looks good.
I swallow.
He swallows.
"Can we... can we talk?" Joe asks so quietly, as if me not hearing him will prevent me from saying no.
I nod slowly, moving to the side to let him in.
He runs his hand through his hair in that way that I love, and it chips at my defences that I'd been determined to have this conversation with.
He glances at me nervously, like he's waiting to see if I say anything first. I cross my arms, and he takes this as confirmation that he should start.
"It wasn't what it looked like. I know that's what they all say, but you've got to believe me, Charlee. Nothing happened," Joe tells me, looking into my eyes so deeply I know he's trying to see if I believe him. Imploring me to.
"So, what happened?" I ask him, doing my best to keep my tone neutral.
"Charlie told me that Gemma was at the party and wanted to talk to me. I went to go see her, and she was telling me how great she's been doing, and I guess I kinda just broke down a little bit and told her how guilty I felt about how I went about things, and how I'd hurt you both. We weren't hugging romantically or anything, she was just comforting me. She was telling me that it was okay," Joe explains. Still looking into my eyes as deeply as he can, a fleck of desperation sitting in his.
"And, when she was holding your face? She wasn't about to kiss you?" I ask him, doing my best not to give any emotion away on my face.
"No, no way. She was just making sure I was hearing her and believing it was okay. She actually asked me about you. Said we'd better be together already or she'll intervene," He answered, a nervous chuckle leaving his mouth.
I look down sadly.
After everything with Joe and I; The way they fought during their relationship, because Joe wasn't giving her his all. Because, he was focused on me. She hoped we'd be together.
Joe steps forward, holding my elbows in his hands.
"Please believe me. I'd never do anything to risk losing you," He says softly.
I look up and into his eyes. My eyes are beginning to water already.
"I do believe you," I tell him so quietly that it's almost a whisper.
Joe's shoulders relax with relief and he pulls me into a hug. For a small moment, I let myself enjoy the hug. I feel his warmth, and breathe in his scent. Then, I take a step back.
"What's wrong?" Joe asks me, worry etched all over his face.
"I can't do this anymore," I tell him, shaking my head slowly.
Joes mouth drops open slightly. His eyes widen, going wild with worry.
"But, nothing happened!" Joe exclaims desperately.
The tears start falling again, and I wonder briefly how I still have tears left to cry.
"I know, I know. I believe you. But, it's always something isn't it? I can't take the way we are together anymore. This constant push and this constant pull. This giant roller coaster, where I'm always so scared right before things get good again, only for me to be filled with anxiety again. I feel like I can never rest easily, because I never know where I stand. I- I feel like I'm drowning," I ramble out all the thoughts that had been eating at me over the previous couple of months we'd spent together.
Joe shakes his head in disbelief. It's safe to say he didn't see this coming.
"I thought we'd gotten to a good place. Charlee, I thought we had a future together," Joe tells me.
I shake my head too.
"I care about you so much, Joe. So much. But, I can't put myself through this anymore," I tell him, quickly wiping the tears from my face.
Joe takes a step forward.
"Please, Charlee," He begs me, his eyes pleading with me and attempting to chip away at my resolve.
"Joe, I need you to leave," I say, trying not to sob as I speak. Trying to sound confident in my decision.
Joe places his hands on my shoulders.
"Charlee, please. Please don't do this. Don't do this to us," He pleads.
I turn my head away, unable to look at him anymore.
"She asked you to leave, Joe," Maya says from behind me in a sad, quiet voice.
I see Joe look up at Maya, and I steal a glance. He's crying and my heart is broken.
Maya walks over to us, and gently takes Joes hands from my shoulders, then turns to me.
"You go lay down in your room, I'll talk to him okay?" Maya instructs me.
I nod at her, then follow her instructions. As I walk to my room, I hear them talking in hushed voices.
After awhile, I hear the front door open and close. Maya walks into the room, and sits down on the edge of the bed next to me.
She strokes my hair tenderly and looks at me with sadness in her eyes.
"You broke up with him?" She asks me softly.
I nod slowly. A lump growing in my throat.
Maya bites her lip. I can tell she's choosing her words carefully.
"But, you believe him?" She asks.
I nod again.
"Then why? I thought you loved him?" Maya asks, confused.
I swallow that lump, and clear my throat. I wipe the tears stinging my eyes with my thumb.
"I do. I do love him. But, it hurts to love him," I tell her.
I can't fully explain to her my reasoning. Being with him, the little moments- it feels amazing. But, there's always hurt waiting around the corner, and I can't take that feeling of waiting for what's next anymore.
Maya doesn't push the subject. She lays down next to me on the bed, putting her arms around me and holds me the way I found her holding me this morning.
—————
Authors Note: If you didn't fall in love with Maya this chapter, I didn't do my job properly. I think we all need a Maya on our lives.
I really wanted her there for Charlee through this because, if you haven't noticed, Charlee is so used to closing herself off from people and trying to do things standing alone, but her friendships are slowly teaching her it's okay to lean on people sometimes.
I hope you all have had a great week, I'm going to try update Wednesday, but if not I definitely will on Sunday. Then, I'll be going away for a week, so I'll do my best to stay on schedule.
Thank you all so much for your continued support; reading, voting, commenting and adding to your lists, it really means so much. Writing this story started for me, but you all motivate me to keep going. I'm starting to wonder how traditionally published authors ever finish a book without such a supportive and funny cheering section each chapter! I truly appreciate you all xx