Chapter XXIII
Just one more night, Sweeney told himself. One more night of tears, one more night of sorrow, one more night of Elle's precious memories playing back in his mind.
'I'll get over the pain. I've been so lonely, I've been dead... What is another pain, what is another death compare to that?' He felt his own lips pressed together, his broad shoulders began trembling.
'Elle... I've been alive these past months. You've found me in my worst, you've given my heart a reason to beat again... Why... Why did you have to leave and took my heart with you?' He sat down on the edge of his bed, his elbows on his knees, palms cupping his face wet with his own tears.
"Elle!!!" He'd thrown all his sorrow screaming out her name.
He felt so tired, so exhausted, so hopeless. It has been weeks, he'd travelled most of London looking for Elle and Toby but they were nowhere, no one has seen them.
Not even bottles of gin could make him forget, even if he drowns himself in alcohol, she was there. Her presence lingers in his mind, her tears haunts him even in his sleep.
If he just didn't feel this way again, if hope just didn't blossom in his frozen heart, it would all have been so easy to forget, to escape from, he could perhaps easily slit his throat to die. But he can no longer do that. Not with Elle holding his heart, not with their child living inside her womb, he would never allow their child to grow up like Johanna or Toby...away from their parents.
He has to be strong, not just for another night. He has to cry, he will cry his heart out until he finds her. Only then can he die, in her hands.
"Are you sure about this?" Asked the man in front of him.
"There isn't any other way..." He said, muscles in his jaws moved. The man just looked at him for a long time, as if weighing how sure he was with his decision.
"If that's what you think is best." He then smiled and handed him the papers before he spoke again.
"I'm glad you're back."
"Pardon?"
"Of course, you wouldn't really remember..." The man smiled drily.
"You were just full of greed for revenge then. You never really cared about anyone else inside, for you everyone in there was guilty except yourself... I of course, thought that way too. Not until I've heard of your case of course."
He looked at the man eye to eye, trying to remember what he was saying.
"I was there too, we were both sent by the same man you see. We were both his rival, I for being a judge, and you for being your late wife's husband..."
"That explains a lot." He murmured realizing how this man knew a lot about him as if he can read his mind.
"She's in France..." He deliberately looked back at the man.
"Eleonor Lovett... You'll know where in France if you really know and love her." That was the last words judge Riddle said as he walked out of the court leaving him with the files of his case.
Hopelessly Nellie leaned on the sink, she can't do anything without feeling dizzy, she can't smell or taste anything in the kitchen without throwing up, she can't move without getting hurt. Hardly, she pressed her index finger to keep it from bleeding. Trying not to see the blood, she closed her eyes and washed it with cold water before wrapping it with a clean hanky and sat down on the kitchen chair feeling so weak. Another long and lonely day is heading her way she thought.
She held her tummy where her baby is. How will she raise her baby? What will she tell him about his father? How will she explain the situation of her pregnancy to her own child when up to now she still can't understand her own sentiments about everything that happened. Part of her is still very much mad at Sweeney Todd, part if her is still in so much fear...yet part of her needs him. She's longing for his dark grey eyes deeply gazing at her, she's longing for his presence that has always been there beside her when she needed someone the most. No matter how crazy he'd been, no matter how much grief he'd given her, Nellie still found herself sympathetic of the man he was. Benjamin Barker.
Her tears fell, this is the worst feeling she has at her condition, the last thing she needs right now is the confirmation that she is indeed missing the father of her baby. The last thing she will admit is that she needs him, they need him.
She wanted fear and anger to prevail in her system towards Sweeney Todd, but she found that so hard to do now. If he only stopped and just went far away after that bloody night of razors and slashed throats she has witnessed, if only that was the last time she'd seen him, maybe things will be different. Maybe she wouldn't be this confused. But he stayed. He chose to stay beside the woman who was the very witness of his crimes, he could've just eloped and let her be, but he stayed and cured her wound. He stayed and took care of her in her darkest hours and spent one sinful night on her bed that has led them to this situation...both parenting an unborn child by fault.
She gritted her teeth and closed her eyes as she embraced her tummy, she can feel burning sensations inside again. She wasn't conscious of where it was coming from until she noticed she always feels worst when she thinks of him. Is Toby right, after all? Is she really making her baby cry inside her because she kept him away from his father?
'Please hold on...' She whispered softly in tears
The wind chime hanging on the division of the kitchen and the living room suddenly rang, cutting her deep sad thoughts. The reflection of the light coming from the glass on the hanging furniture hit Nellie's beautiful face as she looked up and found those sterling grey eyes she has always been thinking of looking in her honey brown ones...
Sweeney didn't waste another hour and headed to France. There is only one place he could think of where she could be at right now, how can he not see that earlier.
He stared at the woman on the window from afar, white sand is under his feet, the blue sky is touching the deep blue depth of the sea, inviting everyone to come out and play but he cannot stay in that beautiful shore, there inside that blue painted two-storey house is the woman residing in his heart and mind all these months passed. Her captivating beauty one could see even from afar is startibg to blind him as tears swell from his eyes. 'Finally...' He whispered.
He walked towards the house when she vanished form the window pane and he gently opened the front door of the house she is in before his own thoughts of her face he missed the most became too overwhelming.
Sweeney's tears fell finding her sitting on the chair inside the kitchen, her arms embracing her very slightly round tummy, tears running down her cheeks. For a little long while, he just stood up there, he can't move his feet and he just stared at Nellie.
He still cannot forgive himself for making her this miserable, he knows it is all his fault. Slowly, he walked towards the beautiful woman on that wooden chair, her french braided red hair maximized the delicate feature of her face.
"Elle..." He whispered so softly.
Finally, she noticed him and met his gaze.
His tears fell just calling out her name. He wanted to embrace her tightly, he wanted to feel her warmth so he can confirm that this is all for real, he wanted to lock his mouth on hers and make her feel all the longingness he felt when she left.
...Nellie stood up from the chair in surprise. It was him in front of her. His sterling grey eyes are sadly staring at her, his growing beard tells a lot about his sadness and grief. He walked near her and kneeled.
"Don't push me away Elle. Don't go anywhere I can't see you again... I.beg.you..." His tears fell on the back of her palm as he kissed them.
"It won't work without you. I can't live or even last another day without you... I'm begging you Elle. Don't go... I beg you." His shoulders started trembling as he cried like a little kid while kneeling in front of Elle his forehead on the back of her palm before he raised his chin to meet her eyes.
"I won't bother you, I won't let you see my face, I'll look over you from afar, just don't disappear before me. Don't kill me that way Elle. You're killing me Elle...! You're constantly killing me with your metal hands just when I realized how great it is to live for you...! You're killing me the way Benjamin died when Turpin took her away. Don't do that again. I can't die that way again... I beg you." His forehead now on the back of her palms again.
When he felt her pulling away, he stood up and finally locked her inside his arms.
"I don't deserve your forgiveness, I know. But allow me to live again, Elle. I will breathe for you each day, I will do everything I can for you, for Toby, and for our baby. I wouldn't ask for anything more, just let me stay with you, just let me see you and our child...
Just...just let me hold you in my heart."
Nellie put her hands in between them and pushed him away but he embraced her tighter, his own muscles are trembling and Nellie began sobbing as well.
"Elle, you made my heart beat again, you made me hope again...! You'll never know how it feels to be touched by an angel. You'll never know just what it means when you made me believe that in this pit of hell, there's a light that can show you how much you have wronged life... I need you Elle, I'd rather die a thousand death than be away from the only living person that's keeping my heart beating. I'd rather burn in hell right now than lose your light. You're my angel Elle... Please...don't give up on me." He cried and held the back of her head closer to his heart.
"I love you... I love you so much that it kills me..." He said finally and felt her hands dropped beside her. He took her right hand and put it above his chest.
"I love you woman! No matter how much you're crushing my heart with your metal hands... I love you!" He held her hand, making her feel his heart beating with every single word he just said.
"I can't bear it..." Nellie said in a broken hoarse voice as she closed her eyes and surrendered to his embrace.
"I can't stand to be with you..." She cried in his chest, her chest is moving up and down against his ribs.
"And I can't...stand...to be without you..." Nellie suddenly burst into tears she was trying so hard to control.
"Oh Elle...!" Sweeney wrapped his arms around her tighter, smiling in between tears because of what he just heard.
"This is all too much... I can't bear it any longer." She cried as Sweeney kissed her temple while holding her ever so long in his arms.