"𝙲𝚘𝚙𝚒𝚗𝚐"
ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ
𝕥𝕦𝕖𝕤𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝕟𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘴' 𝘢𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵
"SO, AM I ALLOWED TO ASK?" Emily questions her daughter as they clean up their dishes from breakfast.
"Ask what?" Noah replies as she dries the plate Emily hands her.
"What's been going on with you," The mother says.
"I'm good," Noah answers unconvincingly.
"Okay, then I'll ask something else," Emily suggests, "What's going on with you and Jess?" She asks and sees Noah shake her head.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, the last I heard, you liked her," Emily says as she continues washing, "Has anything happened? Have you told her? Have you been on a date? Have you kissed her?" The mother rambles on with all sorts of questions.
"Emily," Noah groans as she dries another plate.
"Noah, I would like to know what's going on in my daughter's life," Emily explains.
"Not my love life," Noah replies as she shakes her head.
"So, there is a love life," Emily states as she points at Noah, who gives her an unimpressed expression, "Why won't you just gossip with me?" She pleads.
"You don't gossip with me," Noah shrugs.
"Sure, I do!"
"About other people," Noah rolls her eyes, "You don't tell me anything about your love life."
"I'm your mother, so that would be wildly inappropriate," Emily says and sees Noah flash her a look.
"Hypocrite," The teen mutters under her breath.
"I'll just get Penelope to tell me," Emily challenges the teen with a proud expression.
"She can't tell you anything she doesn't know," Noah mumbles.
"What?"
"Penelope doesn't know about Jess," Noah says casually as she dries the pot Emily handed her. The mother looks at the teen and does not get any eye contact back.
"But you tell her everything," Emily says.
"Well, I didn't tell her that," Noah shrugs.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not ready for that," Noah states and takes another dish to dry.
"She wouldn't look at you any differently, honey — none of them would," Emily says as she finishes cleaning and turns the faucet off.
"I didn't say I thought they would," Noah replies.
"I'm just saying that if you're worried about that, I don't think there's anything to be worried about," Emily explains and hears the teen sigh.
"You don't even know that," Noah says, throwing the dishtowel on the counter, "I mean, there are so many people that think it's disgusting and wrong. And gay marriage isn't even legal!"
"Honey—" Emily calmly says, noting that Noah is suddenly worked up.
"I couldn't even marry Jess if I wanted to, so why does it matter if we're together or if we've been on a date?! It's illegal anyway!"
"Baby, love is not illegal," Emily coos as she puts her hands on Noah's arms.
"Then, why can't I marry a girl?" The teen asks her mother. Emily takes in the expression of desperation and hurt and confusion — she wishes she had an answer.
"I don't know, babe," Emily says, making Noah wiggle out of her mother's hold and walk to the staircase, "Noah!"
"I don't wanna talk about it!" The teen shouts and stomps up to her room. She slams her door shut, making Emily sigh to herself and rub her temples.
Noah sits in her bedroom on the floor with her back leaning on her bed frame. She covers her face with her hands and groans. She takes a few deep breaths, thinking to herself.
She did not mean to get so worked up. She did not mean to yell at Emily or cause a scene over something the mother was not even implying. She wishes she had chosen a different way to react, but she could not stop herself. She physically could not make her mouth or brain stop — like she had no choice but to yell and get it out.
She wonders if that was what Gia used to feel. If her yelling and aggression were a trigger that she had to pull. They may not have been related by blood, but they had similarities and Noah never realized it until now.
Before she can spiral, Noah changes into her pyjamas and gets into bed, hoping to shut down her mind for the night.
—
𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕟𝕖𝕩𝕥 𝕒𝕗𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕟𝕠𝕠𝕟
𝘥𝘳. 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘰𝘯'𝘴 𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘦
"What's been triggering these flashbacks?" The doctor asks.
"I can't help but think that if my mother saw me now, she would actually kill me," Noah sighs.
"I thought you told me not to refer to Gia as your mother."
"Well, she was when the flashbacks took place," Noah notes.
"Why would she kill you if she saw you now?" Dr. Stephenson questions.
"Because everything my life has become, she would just despise," The teen says as she shakes her head, "She would hate that I'm so affectionate with Emily. She would never approve of me having a therapist. And she would just absolutely lose it if she knew about Jess."
"What about Jess?"
"Just...Jess, in general," Noah shrugs.
"From what I gather, you and Jess are close friends," The doctor says, "What about her would make Gia so upset?"
The teen looks down at her shoes and goes silent. The doctor takes a deep breath as he sees her trying to close herself off.
"Noah, remember how we talked about what you get out of this depends on what you put into it? If you don't wanna talk about it, we don't have to, but if it's bothering you and triggering these memories, I'd like to help."
Noah nods. She does it more to herself, giving herself the green light to go back to her childhood.
"When I was younger, Gia shockingly let me have friends over sometimes. And I think she thought nothing of it because it just got me out of her hair for a couple hours and the parents would be able to tell the social worker that their kid had a great time visiting us. But there was one time when I had a friend over and that friend liked me. So, one day, we were in my room after school and that friend kissed me. And, of course, Gia saw it and literally almost killed me."
"So, Gia was against affection?"
"Not really."
"What do you think her issue was about, then?"
"Well, that friend was a girl."
"So, Gia was against you liking a girl?"
"Not a girl, any girl — girls in general," Noah says as she almost laughs at the thought of it, "And you know what? I don't even blame her. I mean, really, look at the world we live in. Did you know same-sex marriage is illegal in Virginia?"
"The people of this state are so concerned about me liking a girl from school that they made it illegal for me to ever marry her or any girl!" Noah exclaims and cannot help but laugh, "I mean, isn't that crazy? As if it's my choice whether I like girls or not. And as if any of that is their business."
The doctor stays quiet, seeing that the teen has a small smile on her lips and he is not sure how to react.
"I'm gonna die alone because I can't marry who I love," Noah says as she shakes her head and a slight chuckle escapes her lips.
"You think that's funny?" The doctor asks.
"No, I think it's absolutely fucking hilarious," Noah tuts.
The teen sits in silence for a moment. Dr. Stephenson is quiet as he can practically see the gears in Noah's head turning. He allows her to speak in her own time, wanting her to come to the realization herself.
"I go through hell for fifteen years and I come out of it and I think everything's great. And then I find out I have to worry about my future. I have to worry about my love life, something I never even thought I would have. And I just can't have one thing — not one little thing," The teen pauses and takes a deep breath, "Everything that makes me happy is either messed up or taken away from me."
Noah shakes her head and leans back onto the couch as she recognizes her coping.
"So I have to laugh about it," Noah says as a tear slips down her face, "I have to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I have to swallow the pill — no matter how big it is."
Dr. Stephenson watches the girl with sad eyes. After everything the teen has been through and will probably have to face later on because of what has happened to her, he just wishes she could find happiness.
"Noah, there are therapists who specialize in talking about LGBT—"
"No," Noah states, "I already have a really hard time trusting you, I don't have the energy in me to trust another therapist."
"I understand," Dr. Stephenson nods, "Do you wanna talk about what's triggered these thoughts about your dating life?"
"Me and Emily got in a fight because I haven't told Penelope about how I feel about Jess," Noah answers as she looks up at the ceiling, wanting her tears to stop.
"She thinks Penelope needs to know?"
"No, she was just confused as to why I hadn't told Penelope," Noah explains, "I mean, I do tell Penelope everything, but I just haven't found a good time. And every time I try to say something, the words get stuck and then all the memories come back and—" She pauses to take a breath in order to keep her tears concealed, "I don't know, I'm just not ready."
"And what did Emily say when you said that?"
"She said none of the team, especially Penelope, would look at me differently," Noah sighs, "And it may be true, but what if it's not? I mean, be honest with me, do you see me differently now that you know this about me?"
"Well, I may analyze you differently, but I'm your therapist," The doctor replies.
"Okay, if you found out your best friend is gay or bi or trans, would you look at them differently?" The teen questions.
"I might view them differently because I've learned something new about them," Dr. Stephenson says, "It doesn't mean I would stop being their friend or stop supporting them."
"Our society is built on a system that believes being part of the LGBTQ+ community makes you different," Noah explains, "Whether it be good different or bad different, you're still seen as different."
The doctor stays silent once again, allowing Noah to continue without hesitation.
"Like, why do I have to come out? Am I not officially gay until I come out? Why can't I just be normal and be with whoever I want? Why does there have to be a conversation about me being with Jess? But if I brought a boy home and called him my boyfriend, there would be no shock — no conversation."
"Why am I referred to as a person who's stuck in a closet? When will there be a day when we don't have to "come out" anymore? When will I be able to just say that I'm in love and that be the end of the conversation?"
"And coming out is supposed to be a celebration! Why has it turned into this thing that makes you panic and get stressed? It feels more like a responsibility than anything. I mean, the pressure of it makes me feel like I "owe it" to the person I'm telling rather than myself."
Noah takes a deep breath, finally having a clear view of what she feels. She was able to get everything out in a safe place where she did not feel judged. She was able to organize her thoughts into words instead of regretful actions and giving silent treatment to those around her.
"I just don't think I understand all of this enough to tell everyone. I don't think I get it yet, I'm not sure I ever will. I just know that I'm confused and I don't have a label nor do I have much experience, so I am finding it hard to open up about this with anyone."
"But I think that's okay," Noah admits and looks up to see Dr. Stephenson's expression.
The doctor is shocked, but he only shows empathy and understanding on his face. He is impressed to see and hear that Noah seems to be accepting something that she is struggling with. He only hopes that no one ruins it for her.
"You know, Noah, it's hard to accept that there may be people who don't allow you to be yourself. But they can't affect you — they'll try to and you might think they do, but you have the power to be yourself. At the end of the day, you have the ultimate power."
"Yeah," Noah nods.
"So, you like this Jess?"
"A lot, Doc," Noah giggles and sees the man smile and let out a small chuckle.
"But I don't wanna hurt her," Noah adds, "I still have a lot of trauma that may affect the way I love and how I accept love. And I'm gonna need a lot of your help."
"That's why you pay me," The doctor replies.
Noah giggles and puts her leg up on the couch. She feels comfortable in the room. For once, she does not feel pressured to talk or like she is taking steps backward. She trusts Dr. Stephenson, and that does not come easily.
"I would say thank you but you're about to take Emily's credit card, so I don't think I have to," The teen jokes and sees the man nod.
"I'll see you next time," Dr. Stephenson replies as he stands, Noah mirroring his actions.
The teen walks out of the office, seeing Emily waiting for her. She smiles sadly, wishing she had not yelled at her mother for something she does not understand herself.
"Em?" Noah calls out.
The mother lifts her head from the book she brought along to distract herself. She flashes a smile and stands, walking over to the two while she rummages through her purse for her wallet.
"You okay?" Emily asks the teen as she hands the doctor her card.
"Yeah," Noah mutters as she looks everywhere but her mother's eyes.
"You're all set," Dr. Stephenson says and hands Emily her credit card.
As the mother and daughter walk to the car, Emily feels a distance between them. It is not unusual for Noah to distance herself after a therapy appointment. Emily knows she would probably be the same, so she gives her daughter the benefit of the doubt.
The mother unlocks the car and waits for the teen to get in. As they buckle their seatbelts, Emily starts the car but does not back out.
"Can we talk about this morning?" Emily asks, which shocks Noah.
"I don't really wanna talk about it," Noah says, thinking to herself about what she talked about in therapy. She does not have to be ready, and that is okay.
"I just wanna understand—"
"We'll talk about it when I'm ready!" Noah exclaims, "Is that okay?"
"Yeah," Emily nods, shocked at the sudden outburst. She puts the car in reverse and backs out, hoping whatever happened in the session today will encourage Noah to trust her.