I had got out of bed early, thanks to my sleeplessness, quite a while before Edward woke up, and distracted myself in my usual routine. I had been skipping university more than usual lately, not having it in myself to go through with even the basics like attendance. Exams were already around the corner, but I didn't have it in myself to be bothered about it. I was sure I was failing, considering all my skipped quizzes, assignments, projects and whatnot.
I had started as the one who'd make assignments for myself and Edward, and now I couldn't even look after myself alone. I was a chaotic mess.
Treading lazily towards the washroom, I ran a quick shower, cleaning myself a little bit, as I lazily ran a razor across my legs and arms. As the water caressed my bare skin, it untangled my nerves, making me feel a little less jittery. I racked my mind for all the possibilities of any advantages and disadvantages of my newly made decision of letting go of him for real this time. I reminded myself of the reasons why I even let him in, in the first place, and that was enough for my indecisiveness to creep up on me.
I couldn't figure out anything else, but all I could think of was to let go and get over him for once and just tackle all my problems alone for a while. Although it would hurt, I convinced myself it was going to be the kind of hurt that was probably for the better, for both of us. It wasn't that I didn't believe his constant promises of changing himself for the better, but that didn't feel like a good enough cue for me to stay. I was feeling paranoid nonetheless, all credits to Hannah's threats and Edward's secretiveness.
After rinsing off the lathered soap on my skin, I hurried and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my dripping-wet body. I clicked the door unlock and was instantly met with eager blue eyes.
"I thought you ran away," He husked, as he rubbed the sleep off from his eyes, whilst taking in my being. It felt like a clench at my heart from his words, suddenly making me want to re-evaluate my decision.
"What if I do?" I said in a distant tone, walking past him, and not meeting his gaze. I made my way towards the cupboard, searching for dry clothes as an excuse not to interact with him. "You know I can't," I added a little more bitterly.
"What happened to you?" I heard his voice turn cold.
I didn't look back at him, taking my clothes, and going back inside the washroom to change. After a while, I came back and Edward remained rooted at the same spot, his keen eyes following me everywhere.
I could tell just by his body expression that he was unhappy with my curt attitude. His phone ringing interrupted the stretching thick silence and he quietly cut it off, instead of receiving it.
I sat on the bed, and he followed me, seating just beside me. I sighed before speaking, not giving much thought to my words. "Edward you don't always need to be there..." It was the only way I could formulate a, 'stay away from me', without sounding inadequate.
"I know but I'll be because I want to," He replied, trying hard to catch my gaze.
I paused for a moment, mentally treading on my words and continued. "But I want a break,"
"Break from what?" The tone of his voice was enough to tell me he wasn't going to be persuaded easily.
"From us." I breathed.
"Why?" He pushed, sounding quite agitated already. "Okay, you know what, I'll block Hannah if that's what's bothering you." He quickly retrieved his phone from his pocket, and I saw him press the block button on her contact right in front of me. "I just want you to communicate, tell me what's going on and I'll fix it,"
"Can we talk about it later? Why do you always have to be so difficult? I just need to be alone," I nearly begged, shakily getting off the bed to keep a hand's distance from him, trying hard to stand my ground. I saw his concerned expression shadow into a dark one, his eyes giving away nothing. "I'm sorry-"
He stood up from the mattress and slowly but dangerously neared me, his blaring gaze peering into mine. His eyes were all the darkest and the coldest shades of blue as they devoured me. "Why do you think I will let you leave me just like that?" His deep voice increased my discomfort. There was no sign of anger, resentment or disappointment on his face. All I could see was simple calmness brimming in his subtle features.
My mind instantly played the frightening flashback of my dream right in front of my eyes, and Edward looked just exactly the same way I had seen him, triggering my anxiety suddenly. I backed off from him, uncontrollably scared. I averted my eyes elsewhere and felt Edward tense at my uncalled response. The one thing I had learned about him was how dangerously calm he seemed to be at the most intense of times. "Edward... Please,"
"I'm sorry... If I made you uncomfortable." He quickly retracted, his expression transforming at my crumpling reaction. "I didn't mean that,"
I didn't look back at him again, not wanting him to see me almost close to breaking down. As if on cue, he seemed to understandably walk away, his sturdy footsteps echoing in the room.
Edward gave me one last blank stare before silently slipping out of the room, leaving me alone, and softly closing the door shut. I quietly locked it and walked back to my bed feeling physically exhausted all of a sudden. I dreadfully laid over the hard mattress, curling my body to myself in a protected manner. My now dry eyes stared into the distance, not thinking of anything in particular. I waited and waited, taking my time to ease out the nervous knots inside my stomach.
Everything was a mess. A mess so chaotic, that it was beyond fixing. I ran my trembling fingers through my wet hair in frustration, a habit Edward had rubbed off on me. I unwinded myself from the bed again, and to detangle my thoughts, I grabbed my phone from the nightstand. I begun writing lines, that seemed to resemble that of the wounds in my heart. It was my only coping mechanism now.
I named the piece, Once Upon a Heartbreak, reading and rereading every word til it felt like it made sense. The remains of my anxiety flew away like leftover burnt ashes, and I instantly felt better, feeling glad to have taken the initiative of staying away from Edward. But I wasn't sure how long this feeling was going to last this time.
I opened Spotify, putting Speak Now on shuffle by Taylor Swift on the phone on speaker, to lighten my mood. I went towards the dresser, the music filling the room to make up for Edward's haunting absence, while I opened the drawers to find my favourite comb. I rummaged through the messy assortment of makeup and hair products, but couldn't find the comb. Taken aback by the sudden absence of my belonging, I checked and rechecked my other drawers and then my nightstand drawer to find my brush but there seemed to be no sign of it. I must've lost it somewhere while cleaning my room, I thought to myself.
Groaning at my failed attempt for lightening up the aura, I grumpily headed out of the room, and sneaked into Mum's, to grab her hairbrush. I combed my short black hair, letting it air-dry instead of blowing it out.
I spent the rest of the day in, reading cheesy teen fiction on Wattpad and daydreaming about how I wish my life could've been like one of those female main characters. By evening, I was starving and decided to make my way out of my stuffy room, after hours of contemplation and overthinking. Stepping into the kitchen, I found nothing in the cabinets, so I planned on making myself some mac and cheese.
"You're doing something," I heard a surprised voice interrupt my reverie. I spun around to find Mum looking at me with keen observant eyes.
I passed her a small smile, slightly feeling awkward. "Yeah, it's the weekend... And I was hungry."
"I already made dinner, it's in the fridge. Just microwave it," She mentioned while carefully taking a seat, on the couch, smoothing out her ironed dress. She picked up the remote, turning on the television.
"Okay, thanks," I meekly added and went about to do my work, opening and closing the fridge.
"You seem better ever since Edward has been here for you," Mum noted, sparking a conversation as she switched between channels on the TV.
"No," I replied. "I'm better off without him,"
Finally, she looked up at me and questioned, "Is it because of your friend, Hayden?" Her dark grey eyes were wide with curiosity.
I wasn't even surprised at that point for Edward telling her about my business.
"Yes mum, it is because of him," I answered. "He knows him better and Edward's very manipulative. You don't know him yet but you will," I spoke a little too much than I was supposed to, instantly regretting my words. I never felt like that for him, but I couldn't help my mind giving me reasonable excuses on why it was time to let go.
Mum let out a small sigh, giving me a tired look but didn't respond. After I was done heating my food, I went back to my room, isolating myself again, clearly not wanting to hear any more about how wrong I was about everything I felt, said, or thought. That's why it had started to feel good, staying in my room all day, away from people. It was validating, and oddly peaceful.
I honestly had started to miss Hayden even more, and his constant looking out for me. Even though I knew I was in the wrong here, since I'd be cheating on Edward if I was close to Hayden more, but at least now I had cut ties with Edward for good. And I had to admit, I needed something to assure me that I wasn't in on the wrong.
I placed my food on the nightstand drawer and my fingers clasped around my phone desperately. I turned it on and I automatically dialled Hayden's number, as I placed the screen against my ear and watched his number ring. After several dials, he finally picked up.
"Oh, so you finally remember me?" I heard his distant voice speak, and I took a deep breath in relief, laying against the headboard in a comfortable position.
"I never forgot about you." I smiled guiltily to myself. "Hey, can you come over? I just need a distraction,"
"Of course, I'll be there," He said before hanging up.
Internally relieved I ate my food, and switched to Netflix, watching the You series to distract my aching heart from feeling anything more than I was supposed to for Edward. Several minutes into the next episode, I heard a light tap on my window. I quickly went towards it to unlock it and let Hayden inside. It was lightly raining outside and his clothes stuck to his wet skin, drenched in water. His dark hair was a damp mess, flopping against his forehead.
"I'm sorry... I didn't know it was raining... I wouldn't have called otherwise," I said, a regretful smile plastered on my face.
"It's okay. I know whenever you call, it's urgent, and I wouldn't have stopped even if you asked me to." He smiled back, as he shrugged off his black coat. "Where's Edward?"
I shook my head, not mentally prepared for this conversation. "We broke up again," I instantly replied, not putting much thought into my words.
Hayden looked at me, double-checking my expression to see if I was being serious. "And how did that happen?" He tilted his head slightly in question.
"I had this weird dream," I explained, recalling the events of last night. "I saw you actually,"
"So now you've been dreaming of me?" I rolled my eyes at his corniness.
"I didn't mean-" I gasped, giving him a slight frown. "It's not like it was in my control." I scoffed lightly.
"Please tell me it was where I told you to stay away from Edward because that's the only thing I've been trying to tell you," He muttered and I gave him a shocked look.
"How do you know what I saw?" I gasped again, blinking profusely.
"Just an assumption." He shrugged. "But I guess I'm right?" He asked, caressing the back of his wet black hair.
"Yeah," I said, not knowing what to say.
"And you listened to me just because of the dream?" He asked again, looking quite amused.
"I... I don't know," I huffed. "You want me to regret my decision?"
I instantly felt a pang of sorrow and guilt take over me for Edward again, out of the blue, the desire for his presence seeped into my being. For some reason, the memories of him started taking a toll on me again just like the flickering of something before it's about to fade or end. I quickly pushed the thoughts aside.
"No, I'm glad you did the right thing," He assured.
"Is it wrong that I miss him though?" I asked weakly, more to myself than to him.
Hayden paused for a moment before speaking. "It's alright. You just loved him more than he ever did, and the feeling wouldn't just go away that easily,"
"That's why I called you here," I said in a low tone. "To keep reminding me of why I shouldn't go back to him,"
It was super hard for me to deal with the baggage of emotions that came along every time I tried to let go of him. It was too overwhelming, and Hayden seemed to be the only one who understood and support me in that regard. "Actually..." He trailed off, interrupting my incoming train of thought. "Give me your phone,"
I stared at him hard, shaking my head to myself at the thought of Edward finding out. "No Hayden, I don't want you to speak to him!"
"I'm not talking to him or anything." He shook his head in an assuring gesture again. "I just want to block his numbers, his accounts, everything that's related to him. And no stalking," He warned.
That alone felt like such a hard task, considering how breaking apart from him felt like detaching from myself knowing he owned a part of me. It felt like an addicting habit that wasn't breaking easily and to just abruptly stop the addiction, felt like it was going to kill me, while Hayden was expecting better.
Without letting my feelings cloud my better judgement, I did as he said, more of not wanting him to think of me as stupid. "Okay." I took my phone and unlocked it, handing it to him.
My posture slumped a little as I eyed the phone, while he scrolled and stalked his accounts, blocking and deleting every trace of him, and also reporting the accounts in the process. He returned the phone to me satisfactorily, and I quietly took it from him.
"He deserves this Michelle," Hayden spoke as if that was enough to convince me. He noted the extremely dejected expression on my face, and he sighed.
I just hummed in response, resting my chin in the palm of my hand, as I looked away in the distance, rethinking my decisions and why I couldn't make up my mind for once.
I felt Hayden's arms wrap around me in a friendly gesture and I released a small exhale, my eyes stinging for no reason. I was beginning to feel the void in my heart again, the ache growing with every passing second.
I gulped down the hurting bile in my throat and pulled away from him a little bit, trying hard to keep a strong facade. "Thanks for your help," I forced out the words, my throat feeling tight with knots.
After a while of deafening silence, I cut in.
"I just can't do this to him." I breathed, staring at his hands still on my body to hint him to leave me. I was feeling a mess of emotions in a matter of moments.
Hayden's surprised expression replaced that of upset and heartbroken, taken aback by my proposition for him to not even touch me for a hug. I peeked back at Hayden who seemed to be looking away, seemingly hurt.
I felt scared and just sat still, frozen in my place, not knowing what to do and what was to come next.
"Michelle, you're not cheating on him," Hayden forced out, not letting the hurt cloud his words.
"I just want to be alone,"
He stood up from the bed, and with that, he walked towards the window balcony, not even looking back, leaving a trail of deafening silence behind.
With that, he vanished.
I felt furious towards myself and this wasn't letting me go back to Edward, no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how difficult it was, I'd keep myself controlled.
I laid back in bed, a pool of tears streaming across my cheeks and surrounding my hair, while I blankly stared at the ceiling. After what felt like an hour or more of silently weeping, I heard my phone vibrate on the chair in the corner. It was probably early evening, when I shifted my eyes towards it, as it lay lifelessly resembling my state, until it was interrupted by something.
I stretched my arm towards the chair where my phone was and clutched it in my hands, expecting anything from Matthew or, assurance over whatever I was experiencing was all part of a stupid dream.
I swiped it unlock and found a text, I was least expecting.
A text from Edward's number that read that he was sorry.