Ohh I wanna fall in love again but this time but this time with no regrets. I wanna give it all again but this time but this time with no secrets. I don't want just anyone, not anyone new. I wanna fall in love again with you, with you, with you. I wanna fall in love again with you, with you.
--
311214
F E R N A N D O
I wiped the tears from my cheeks as I finished reading the last sentence of the very last letter Valeriya would ever send to me. I bit my lower lip to stop it from trembling as I put the letter between the pages of a book, where the others already rested.
My heart ached and all I really wanted to do was to break down on the floor and cry, but I couldn't. Olalla was downstairs with Leo and I didn't want her wondering about my wellbeing. She was already suspicious enough.
I sighed and curled up into a ball where I laid resting on mine and Olalla's king sized bed. I missed Valeriya, I really did, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't. And everything that she had written about in her letters was true, I used to love her more than Olalla, I still did... but I had my children to think about, Nora and Leo, they are my world and they deserve to grow up with both their parents.
As I felt my eyes tear up again, I pulled out my phone and dialed the familiar number to the only person whom I was able to talk to right now.
***
"Hola," a husky and familiar voice answered and I smiled sadly.
"Hola padre," I said, clearing my throat.
"Nando, my hijo, how are you doing son? How is Italy?" he asked and his voice was so full of joy that I felt bad for being the one to ruin it.
"Italy is fine, me? Not so much," I whispered with a broken voice, how could I ever be fine without her?
"What is it Nando? Talk to me son," my father said and I could hear the worry in his voice.
"Padre.. I have a problem, a very big problem. Promise you won't judge me?"
"I would never judge hijo, no matter what," he said reassuringly, and his voice brought me the sensation of being safe, being home, as it always has done.
"Okay, I'm in love with a woman, who isn't Olalla... I met her years ago, when I first came to London. Olalla and I had just had a fight so I decided to go out to clear my head. I came across this pub at the corner of an empty street, and without even knowing it, my feet walked in. My one desire was to drink my sorrows away, you see Olalla and I had fought a lot since I had announced that I was leaving Liverpool for Chelsea. But when I walked in, fate decided to change my plans, because there, I met her; a Russian beauty by the name Valeriya Constantinovna Karlova. We drank together that night, and many of the following nights, exchanging our life stories and cracking some jokes once in a while. It was all so innocent at first dad," I said and smiled sadly at the memories that I and Valeriya had shared at that pub.
"Eventually we grew closer so we exchanged numbers and started to hang out on other places than that pub. I really enjoyed spending time with Valeriya, since it was a nice break from my sad excuse to a life. But what started as an innocent friendship sooner rather than later led to something more... we slowly developed an affair... yes she was my mistress, but eventually that also led to something else; something called love. I never planned to fall in love with her, padre!"
"It just happened! I mean I had two kids to think about, I never planned this, and I never wanted this! I loved her, and she loved me, and the only thing that kept me from leaving Olalla was our children. So that's why we kept our relationship a secret, only two or three people knew about it. Our relationship lasted for a little over three years, and then I moved here to Milan."
"But the thing was that I gave her a chance to make me stay, I told her to give me a reason to why I should have stayed, stayed with her in London, but she didn't, so I thought she didn't love me enough, so I left. Now she has been writing these letters to me, reasons to why I should have stayed. I received the very last letter today, and she says that she wants to move on now that she's told me everything that was needed to be said. What should I do padre? I love her, and I regret my decision. I'm not sure that I can be happy without her," I said and cursed my tears for starting to produce a whole waterfall during our phone call.
"Look son, I can't tell you what to do, that is a decision only you can make, but I can give you an advice. So listen carefully to your old man alright?" he asked and even though I knew that he couldn't see me, I nodded.
"When I was seventeen I was in love with my best friend, cliché I know. But we were best friends and one day we kissed, at her eighteenth birthday party. It was a beautiful and passionate first kiss which was worth remembering. But, she was drunk of her ass, so on the next day when she woke up, with the worst hangover ever, she didn't remember a thing. All she said was that we should forget everything about that past night and of course I thought she meant the kiss and it broke my heart, because at that time I thought that she didn't love me back."
"So I never mentioned a word about our kiss, and today I regret it. I loved this girl, more than I had ever loved someone else. She was my best friend and the love of my life, she still is. Sadly we out grew each other and we went separate ways, and years later I was invited to her wedding. And in my speech I mentioned our kiss at her eighteenth birthday party and afterwards she told me that she didn't remember it at all. And that's when I realized that not only had she been too drunk to remember our kiss but she had also been in love with me, as deeply and madly in love as I had been. And after she had told me that, she kissed me. And boy let me tell you Nando, it was way better than our first kiss. Because this time, we were both perfectly sober, okay not really, but sober enough to remember and cherish every moment of that kiss. Then she whispered that I was sweet, but that I was too late, she just couldn't divorce her newly wedded husband so soon after the wedding. She said that she didn't have the heart to do so, which only led me to love her more, she was never selfish," by now my mouth was wide open, because of everything that my father told me, I just couldn't believe that he had had a love life before he met my mother.
"Oh what a bittersweet moment in my life that was, the love of my life had just told me that she loved me back, but that I was too late to tell her my true feelings. But I don't regret coming to that wedding, because that's where I met your mother, she was a distant relative to the groom, and somehow during that evening we found each other. I don't regret meeting your mother since that gave me the three things I treasure the most in my life, my children; you, your brother and your sister. I love you guys, and I love your mother, don't think otherwise Nando, but I've never loved her as much as I loved Cara, and I never will and your mother knows that. But she loves me enough to stay with me, but believe me Nando, that if I could change the time and you guys would still be my children, I would do it, I would go back in time and change everything. That when Cara said we should just forget the previous night, I would tell her about our kiss. I lost the love of my Nando, don't you dare do the same mistake as I did," when he finished I stared out in front of me with my mouth wide open, I would never have guessed that my father had loved someone else so deeply than my mother, and that he still did.
I swallowed hard; I wasn't the child he would have wanted from the start... I shook my head and swallowed once more, this wasn't about me, no this was about my love life. My father's past is the past and he can't change anything, but I can, and what my father had said had made me think, and now I knew exactly what to do.
"Gracias padre, I know what to do know," I said with a new determination in my voice.
"Always my son, and Nando, I love you, don't you dare think otherwise."
***
010115
V A L E R I Y A
I sat in the familiar high chair with the familiar old chestnut bar desk in front of me and in my hand rested a glass of bourbon. The sweet burning feeling in my throat and stomach made all the other feelings disappear for a while.
The pub was half full, or half empty, depending on if you're an optimist or not, anyhow it was at its usual amount of visitors.
On the wall hung an old model of a small flat screened TV and on it small human beings dressed in blue ran up and down a field with a ball between their feet.
It was the Tottenham - Chelsea game and the stands were full of supporters. Cesar had offered me tickets but I had kindly declined, I wanted to watch the match at my favorite place, the one that reminded me of him.
I missed him.
***
Just as I ordered another glass of bourbon the bell over the door rang and a new visitor entered the old pub. I didn't pay much notice to the visitor but instead I gratefully took my now full glass and took a big clunk from it. The liquid ran down my throat making me feel very satisfied with myself.
I turned my attention back to the screen as the newcomer sat down beside me by the bar, but I didn't give him so much of a glance.
"A scotch please, and another glass of what the lady is drinking," a raspy familiar voice said which made me turn my head in the newcomers direction.
And when my eyes met his so familiar brown ones, filled with warmth, the glass slipped out of my hand and shattered against the cold wooden floor.
"Nando?" I whispered with a broken voice, slowly beginning to wonder if I was hallucinating because of the damn alcohol.
"Hi Le," he said and smiled sadly at me, "When you weren't in your apartment, I knew that this was the place I would find you in; it's a game day after all."
He had been at my apartment? My slightly drunk brain had a hard time in processing his words.
"You were at my apartment?" I asked once more, but loudly this time.
"Yep," he said, popping the 'p', "I needed to see you."
I laughed an empty laugh with no emotions, "You needed to see me? Where have you been these last months?"
"Le..." he said and reached for my hand.
"Don't 'Le' me, you have no right to call me that," I said as I quickly drowned the glass of bourbon he had ordered me, this was going to be a long night.
"I know, I know, okay? I made a mistake, and you were the one who got to pay the most for it. And I'm sorry Le! I didn't realize how much of an idiot I was. I should never have left the one thing that means the most to me," he said, and his usual joyful gaze was now full of sadness.
"Yeah you were an idiot alright," I said as I signaled to the bartender for another round.
"But I'm here now Le, I'm here now, and I'm planning to stay," he said and reached for my hand ones more, this time, I allowed him to grab it.
Fernando intertwined our fingers and I couldn't help but sigh contently, I had missed the sensation of his fingers against mine.
"What about you kids?" I whispered, not daring to meet his gaze.
He cupped my cheek with his free hand and forced me to meet his intense gaze, "I don't know, but we'll work it out somehow, I promise. All I know is that I'm going to fix the biggest mistake I've ever made, if it so is the last thing I'll do on this earth."
I stared at him in pure surprise; I didn't expect him to be so... open.
"This isn't something that you can just fix, with your sweet talk and charming good looks you know."
"I know. But I will fight to earn your trust again Le, because I need it. I need you."
If I was surprised before, that doesn't even explain the feelings I'm feeling now.
"You need me? That's probably the most ridiculous lie I've ever heard." I said and laughed coldly.
"It's the truth! I need you Le! Why the fuck do you think I went all the way to London for otherwise? Sightseeing?" he smiles sadly at me, "No Le, I came here because of you, and you only."
And when the words had left his lips, he quickly leaned forward, and pressed his lips against mine.
Without even knowing how, my lips acted on their own behalf as they returned the kiss. It was like they remembered exactly how to move against his, exactly how they felt against each other, like two pieces of the same puzzle fitting perfectly together.
The kiss didn't last very long though, because the rational part of my brain made me pull away, before my not so rational part of my brain made me slap him hard in his face and start to curse in Russian at him.
"You're a fucking idiot Torres, if you think you can just come in from nowhere and kiss me, I know how you work by now, I will give you my heart again and you will throw it on the ground and stamp on it, like it's worth nothing but dirt," I spat angrily at him.
"I'm not messing around this time Le! For god's sake Valeriya you were the best damn thing that ever happened to me, and I was just too stupid to realize that. When you didn't give me any reason to stay I thought it was because you didn't love me enough, and it broke my heart," Fernando said and you could spot the tears building in his eyes.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes which forced the tears to stream down his cheeks. This made me feel bad, the last thing I wanted to do was to make him cry, no matter what happens between us, I will still care for him.
"Nando..." I said and reached for his hand over the table, "I loved you more than enough and I didn't think you needed a fucking reason to stay if you loved me as much as you said you did."
He sighed, "I was an idiot, Valeriya, but if you want an idiot then I'm willing to be yours. I'm willing to fight for you; I'm willing to fight with Olalla over the kids because of you. I love you and only you Le, always have, always will, please come with me to Madrid. You're the one I want to share my future with."
I stared at him in surprise, was he seriously asking me to move in with him? And in Madrid of all places. We had always talked about him taking me with him back to his home city and show me his childhood club; I just never thought that day would come.
"I must be an idiot for even thinking about moving in with you after everything that's happened," I said and shook my head in disappointment but with a smile playing on my lips, "But I guess two idiots is a perfect match huh?"
--
I seriously can't believe it's over, I don't even know what to say, even though I'm not overly fond of this chapter, this is the end. This is the end of "Just Give Me A Reason" and I find it hard to believe. Would you have done as Valeriya did though?
I want to dedicate this chapter to all my readers, every single one of you who have commented and voted on every single chapter, it honestly means the world to me. Thank you, thank you for reading my crap and writing the cutest comments ever, I'm forever grateful and I love you guys!
I'm planning another story, but I don't think I will post until the break, since I'm still very busy these last two weeks and I will be very busy until the middle of July, but I will try to update frequently as sson as the story is up. Not sure who it will be about yet since I have two plots that I really want to write, so it's a secret for now ;)
Until next time, I love you guys xx Liza