So you were never a saint
And I loved in shades of wrong
We learned to live with the pain
Mosaic broken hearts
But this love is brave and wild
Were the lyrics in the red background that Edward had posted on his Instagram story, while I stalked him from a different made-up account -- where I hadn't blocked him. I analysed the lyrics a little deeper, a voice in the back of my head telling me, that this was some kind of message and that it was probably meant for me.
Was he trying to paint me as a bad person in front of everyone?
A small part of my heart ached at the feeling, of his accusatory supposition. After everything I did for him, gave up on myself for him, and in the end, this is what I got in return. Now he would be the better person in front of everyone while framing me as the villain.
Maybe that's what Hayden meant when he said he was obsessed with me and would do anything to get me back -- all for the wrong intentions of course. Even if it meant to the extent of blackmailing me.
I stalked his friend's list but there was nothing different to look there. I checked his posts, where he rarely ever posted his pictures, but there were a few. Stalking the comments, I saw Hannah's over-friendly remarks. She was all over him, throwing compliments at him like the good 'sister' she was.
Another photo followed the former picture, which was one of me and Edward laughing at the beach together. My lips quivered and my eyes glazed at the painful sight of it and how all of that was long gone now. Pursing my lips, I put my phone aside, turning myself away from it. Hot tears stung my dry eyes, while I stared blankly in the distance. All I could think about was, where it all went wrong. And it was situations like these that made me feel feelings, I couldn't help suppress, and ended up spilling onto the journal given by Edward.
How could I achieve something more than just a glimpse?
When things take time, and time takes things.
Placing my chin on the palm of my hand, and twirling the black pen, my mind wandered in all directions of our past reminiscents. Later, after over-contemplation, the sudden realisation came to me that Edward might be watching me over from my phone, considering he had it hacked.
I quickly got up from bed, closing and opening my drawers on the nightstand, and after some rummaging, I got out a non-transparent tape. I stretched the sticky tape out of the reel and cut it from my teeth. Halving the tape into two parts, I took my phone and quickly pasted the tape in front of my camera, and the other half, on the back camera.
At least he couldn't see me anymore, in my pathetic vulnerable state.
I carefully placed my phone aside, opened my laptop and distracted myself with some leftover work from university. After several minutes of typing mindlessly about which operating systems provided more security to computers, something that ironically felt useless considering everything was vulnerable to hackers anyways.
I finally completed the last of my assignments, already feeling heavily drained. I took out a few cigarettes, and lit them up, smoking the scent of happy memories that I once had.
As the clock struck midnight, while I half lay on the bed, smoking and silently watching the hands of the clock tick, my phone suddenly rang with a new text. My head shot towards it and I slid it off the nightstand, unlocking it.
It was a text from Hayden.
Michelle, I think Edward's already telling everyone you're crazy just to cover up for what Hannah did. And he's blackmailing you by telling everyone you're cheating so you'd go back to him. Please hear me out on this one, I know what he's doing to you.
I stared at the message for what felt like fifteen minutes until I was snapped out of my trance by another text from someone. It was Anna.
Hey? Edward kind of asked me to check up on you. I hope you're doing okay...
I blinked at the message several times, reading it from the notification bar repeatedly to make sure I was not making it up.
Either it was, that Edward was threatening me by telling everyone about how much of a disloyal person and a cheater I was and trying to ruin my reputation just like it happened to me back in college. Or maybe, he was unable to see me anymore from my phone's camera and was curious how I was, so instead asked Anna to text me about it.
Or perhaps it was both.
Disappointment and hurt took all over me, and I broke down again. I hid my face in the pillow, and silently sobbed again, feeling all my emotions flooding out. My eyes felt sore from crying too much, and my head felt hot. I grumpily got up from the pillow, the tiredness weighing me down. I checked the time to find that it was already one in the morning.
Sliding my laptop towards me, I opened it again, clicking on a Word document. I begun typing a complaint letter, writing everything and anything I had experienced lately.
To the Coordinator of University Student Discipline,
This is to inform you that I have a serious concern regarding two of the students at the university. They have been nothing but a threat to me lately and I suppose there's nothing much I can do about it, hence I'm writing this to you.
The students followed by the name, Edward Kayden from the computer systems engineering department. He has been stalking and following me, at university and to my house. He has been intruding into my private things, and has my devices like my phone and my laptop, hacked. Which gives him something to use against me as in blackmailing, leaving me no choice.
The other students, Hannah I assume, and I apologise for not knowing her full name, is most probably Edward's partner. She has been trying to humiliate me in university and also threatened to physically hurt me with a dagger.
I hope some serious action is taken against them because if they're a threat to me, they can possibly be a threat to other students or staff at the university.
Dated: 14th July 2021.
I saved the document, editing and reviewing it, before quickly exiting, and closing my laptop -- not wanting Edward to know about it. I had decided that tomorrow I will be taking serious action against Edward, and especially Hannah.
Sleep took over me after tossing and turning restlessly. The next day came by faster than ever, and I quickly got ready, slowly calming myself down to not panic. I counted to ten backwards slowly in my head, as I tried maintaining steady breathing.
I woke up before my alarm could even ring as if a part of me was longing to get up and get over with the next day already. I quickly changed my clothes, washed my face and combed my hair. My hair had grown a little bit, and I wanted to cut it short again, back like it was before Edward came into my life.
And so I grabbed my scissors from the dressing table and begun snipping and chopping several inches from my below-the-shoulder length hair. I cut it and brushed it again, and cut a few inches more before my thick black hair was above my shoulders. I looked in the mirror and instantly felt better with my new look, looking unrecognisable and unlike my old self. It felt like I was already shedding my past self and finding a new version of myself again. It felt like a new beginning.
I quickly brushed off the small fallen hair on my shoulders, neck, and from my clothes. I quickly swept the floor off from the fallout and cleared the hair into the dustbin. I let my hair open this time and decided to put on nude lipstick, which felt like something I had done after ages. The nude lipstick looked a colourful contrast to my otherwise black and white, and devoid of emotion appearance.
I combed my hair again, letting it bounce and float, which framed my face nicely. My eyes were still puffy from crying so much but I looked better nonetheless. I picked up my taped phone and found a couple of texts from Hayden again. I had almost forgotten to reply to him last night.
I could help you walk to the bus stop. It's not safe outside for you to go alone.
I smiled slightly at the offer, which sounded so Edward-like, but before I could think of comparing the both, I stopped myself. I quickly texted Hayden with Okay, already feeling awkward about how he would react to my new look. Shaking my head to myself I took my bag, and my phone and went about to make my way out, slowly closing the door behind me. My eyes landed on Hayden, who was silently waiting outside a couple of blocks away, quite occupied with his phone.
"Hey." I walked towards him, feeling fiddly, as I tucked a lock of my trimmed hair behind my ear. He looked up and smiled back, his face looking surprised.
"Someone decided to look extra good today," He complimented genuinely. I tried to stifle my sad smile, by biting my lower lip.
"I don't know if I even look good." I shrugged, clutching my backpack tightly and adjusting it on my shoulder.
"I think short hair suits more on tall girls, but maybe it's just me." He smiled, shrugging back and I chuckled softly.
We walked down the long path, where Edward and I once used to walk for long walks talking about life and the most random things. I smiled to myself lightly as I looked towards the now deserted road, almost picturing us together there, and rewinding every scene, and moment that was carved in my mind permanently. It was funny how experiences were so temporary yet their effect and their remembrances were so permanent. Maybe, real things rusted with time, and feelings and thoughts that weren't physical, never had to disintegrate.
"Which I think I enjoy too myself," Hayden explained as I was snapped out of me, getting zoned out into overpowering thoughts.
Those once beautiful events were all gone now by a single snap of reality.
"What? Enjoy what?" I asked him back hesitantly, as we reached the alleyway.
"You weren't listening to me?" He scowled.
"Sorry, I... I just got zoned out. I'm just nervous that's all," I replied honestly, and he let out an understanding sigh, never ceasing to make me feel comfortable and less insecure.
"I'm sorry. I wish I could do something to make you feel better," He answered and I shook my head.
"I'll be okay, don't worry,"
"Okay," He breathed, looking down towards the alleyway that we had just entered. "Does Hannah come here often?"
"She does, almost every morning. But she didn't today," I muttered, looking around towards the place to find just a few people walking and jogging but not her.
"She must've seen us," He noted. "Not that it makes any difference. She and Edward were suspecting us anyways."
"You still text me on my phone, knowing well Edward has hacked it," I pointed and he nodded with a sigh.
"Yeah I couldn't let a friend's life at risk, and them getting into danger, just because their obsessive ex wouldn't want to catch them cheating," He explained, his voice sly at the words obsessive ex.
"Thank you for coming here with me so early in the morning. It means a lot," I said, looking over at him with guilt yet gratefulness.
With that, we almost reached the bus stop where I got in, and so did Hayden with me. He sat on a separate seat, a little farther from me, and I understood why.
I could already feel the piercing stares of students on the bus at me, probably wondering about all the bad things that I could be or that Edward might've told them that I was. After thirty minutes of riding, and me trying to keep a low profile and hiding behind my phone, we reached university. I quickly got out without looking at anyone or passing any random glance. The unpleasantness and jitters were already taking a toll on me and building up inside my stomach, as I walked in, holding on to my bag as if it was the only thing that could protect me. I took out my phone, so I could at least pretend to be busy.
As I walked inside and towards the long ground that connected the buildings of the several departments, I almost overheard the passing by students, snickering and whispering words in hushed tones -- which I knew were of no good type -- regarding me. Gulping nervously, I saw another group of girls, that I assumed were Hannah's friends -- by their googly eyes and feminine attires -- standing in the corner towards the benches, cupping hands into each other's ears whispering words, while their eyes raked my being. Another couple of guys in the corner gestured to one another with their heads, and pointed towards me, exchanging similar thoughts of something secretive, sly smirks tugged on their faces.
My panic grew several notches and my breathing became ragged. I quickly rushed to the building entrance and before I could reach the lift, a bunch of girls had surrounded it, as if they wouldn't let me take it.
I could tell they were all looking at me, staring at me intently, as I walked past them and towards the stairs. Taking one step at a time, I was already hysterically breathing and adrenaline coursed through my body. After several minutes of lurking, I finally reached the fourth floor. I quickly entered the hallway, exhausted, the anxiety not going away from my stomach.
I saw a few of the students, bickering animatedly and their heads quickly turned towards me, as they continued to talk slowly. Something about the way they spoke, told me that their conversations had shifted from their usuals to about me.
And I could swear I heard a phrase when I walked passed them, along the lines of, I think she's the same girl cheating on Edward.
Breathing deeply inside from my nose, I entered the laboratory room and sat quietly in the furthest corner, seating on the moving chair. Some students were already seated towards their computers, and almost everyone's eyes shot towards me, and then to Edward, who casually sat quietly in the corner looking at me.
My heart almost stopped at the sight of his transparent blue eyes.
I quickly looked away from him, blinking several times to wipe off his image. The intensity of his gaze penetrating my being was almost as real as something trying to pierce into my soul. I shifted my attention towards my stuff, unzipped my bag, and busied myself with my files and documents, not bothering to interact or talk to anyone else. I rummaged into my bag and found the printed complaint letter that I had written last night. I finally remembered that I needed to submit it to the university administration by today if I didn't want to get into any more trouble.
I waited for the class to end before I made my way out secretly. Submitting my files of assignments to the teacher, I excused myself. I quickly hurried, not wanting to get followed by anyone who could be a hurdle in my plan while I sprinted towards the lift. Thankfully no one was around and Edward didn't follow. I stepped into the lift, pressing the ground floor, and waited.
After several minutes of walking and roaming here and there, I finally managed to find the office of the student discipline corporation. I clutched the letter in my hand, as I walked through the wooden doors.
There were four people in the reception, and two tables in the brightly lit room. An old man sat at one table, who I assumed was the receptionist and at the other desk were two men and an elderly woman talking about more important things.
"Excuse me... I need to submit a complaint to the administration," I quickly got to the point and the receptionist looked up at me, eyeing the letter I was holding.
I gave him the complaint letter and he begun skimming and scanning through the page before he spoke. "This seems like a serious matter. I suggest you speak to the chairman of your department, directly about it."
I silently listened to him guide me about how I needed to take an appointment and how a guy from the office would escort me there, and how I might have to get solid evidence against whoever was harassing or threatening me about whatever, to prove my point. I nodded to every word of his response, and another guy he called from the office, escorted me to another office far away. The metallic tag on the door labelled chairman of the engineering department.
We got inside the extravagant room, that was decorated with certificates, medals, pictures and trophies and many other prizes. An aged man with white balding hair sat on the desk and returned me a kind welcoming smile.
"Good morning Mr Kayden." I nodded towards him, trying to be as composed as I could, and he nodded back.
"You must be Michelle from the computer department. I've heard how much of a bright student you were." He appreciated, acknowledging me. I was surprised he knew me as well as my name, considering I had barely ever interacted with him that much.
I took a seat on the creaky chair and begun. "Yes sir, but I've been struggling with my academics considering how some of the students here are having problems with me."
I slid the application towards him quietly, observing him closely. A deep frown etched on his forehead as he read the thing through his spectacles, his face not giving away much.
"Edward you say? From your class has been threatening you?" He asked again, quite taken aback by the mention of the name Edward. "And Hannah is his partner?"
He almost said it as if he didn't believe me.
He almost said it as if Edward might have already spoken to him before I got the chance to.
Perhaps Edward did see me write the letter on my laptop.