GOODBYE BROTHER
Almost dying definitely does something to you. It did something to me, at least. The nightmares are worse but the medication keeps me asleep, so there's that. I spend most of my waking moments trying to forget that my parents are dead, Harvey is dead, Misha is dead, and Rory is dead all because of me. I try my best not to think about how Lexi will never be the same again and Clary still struggles through her paralysis every single day.
My lungs have taken so long to heal but they work, now. Well, most of the time they work. Physically I'm perfectly healthy except for the lung blip but that's what happens when they collapse four times. They get flimsy, weak, and not the best at pulling in oxygen — but they work. Every day I work on them, I do my breathing treatments and exercises, I use my inhaler when I'm too winded. It works, it's working.
My therapists, both my physical and mental, tell me I'm doing a good job adjusting to my trauma. That my body is doing what many bodies refuse to do: adapt. It's adapting to my new life regimen and so am I. In five months, the doctor says that I feel like a completely different person and I know it to be true.
I withstand the hot water pouring over my head. It's the kind of hot that feels damn near unbearable. The kind of hot that turns my brown skin an angry, furious, red. But I withstand it because it proves to me that I am alive. I only stumble back when tears pour down my face and blood fills my mouth as I bite my cheek to stop myself from screaming. The pain shakes through me and then soothes me and I'm sitting on the floor of the shower that I share with my wife and I cry. I cry because I can't show her this part of me, because she'll blame herself and I'll see the look in her eyes — the look that shows me that she's terrified that I'm not going to be okay.
We have more moments than not that we forget the pay five months ever happened but, I don't know, sometimes she clutches onto me like I'm going to disappear. This is both a comforting thing to know and a horrible realization that she sees me as fragile. Like I'm made of paper and can be torn easily, but I'm not.
I pull myself out of the shower and observe the angry red that my skin has taken. It was a good thing that Alana was at the Market with Clary. They had been doing that since I woke up, it was there comfort things. I liked that Alana and Clary had found something to do outside of taking care of me, it was exhausting.
I lotion and dress myself. It's a simple black shirt and brown plaid jeans. I slip on some dress shoes, a watch, and place my prescription glasses on the bridge of my nose. A lot has changed since that night, the most annoying one being that sometimes it was hard to see anything. My glasses did a great job at helping my eyes focus on everything. I liked to think I look very intelligent with my glasses on — plus, Alana fucked me incredibly well when I told her that I looked ugly with them on. She had been driven to prove me wrong.
Adonis and Hernando follow me out if my penthouse when I leave. We don't say much to each other but the niceties. Harvey's death had created a rift between Adonis and I. Both of us grieving the death of our friend but both of us too distracted by our egos and masculinity to discuss the matter. I know one day the rift will ease, it'll just take time.
My driver is already prepped and waiting to take me anywhere I please. I slip into the back seat as Adonis takes the passenger and Hernando gets on the motorcycle behind us. I text my driver where I want to go and he pulls away and out of the parking garage. We drive for a long time, outside of the city, and into the suburbs. I like it better here, all green and huge houses that hold so much love and life.
The floral shop is a modern one, all glass and sleekness. It's a shocking assets in such a town that is much old fashioned and all brick. I can see the reflection of the dark car in the windows. God, I miss my cars, being driven around is no fun majority of the time, you feel restricted. When I slip out of the car, I inhale the soft scents of the flowers. The shop is small but prettily decorated so that you want to look at every single thing inside and yet it leaves little to be imagined.
A florist is squatting in front of a cactus when I push open the door. She seems frustrated by the existence of the cactus and how to care for it but she just pokes one of the spines with her fingers. "Shit!"
"They're pretty sharp." I can't help but say as she looks up at me with an annoyed expression.
"What do you need?" She barks out before turning her attention back to the plant.
"Two bouquets of honeysuckles, please."
She looks up me in surprise as if she's never heard that request before. "Honeysuckle?"
"Yeah, you carry those, right?"
"Yeah, just give me one second." The girl nods before rummaging around the plants as if she's looking for something. She then disappears into the back room and I can hear her humming a soft lullaby. When she comes out she holds two bouquets of white flowers. "We don't get many people asking for honeysuckle. It was my sister's favorite flower, so that's why my mom keeps it around but...everyone finds them ugly."
I smile, "An old friend told me the beauty of them, once. Beautiful things are not always beautiful-"
"They are simply what they are; what makes them beautiful is what they hold inside." The girl finishes and I see tears in her eyes. The kind of tears that are pulled from grief. "My sister said that all the time. It's so corny."
"Maybe so. It seems like your sister and my friend know a thing or two that many fail to." I whisper softly.
"Addison always did." She confesses.
I smile at the thought of Addison. A part of me hates that no one but me knows the full story of that night. How the choice had not been a simple one but one that I know even after all this, I don't think I regret. It hadn't been a choice between Addison and Rory, not really, and it hadn't been mine. I would forever protect Addison's story, forever protect what she told me that night and why it was her that had to die and not Rory. I only wished for Rory to know why but that's the reality of life. Sometimes you don't get to explain your truth, sometimes the only way secrets are revealed are through death. I hope he understands now.
"Thank you, for coming in today." The girl says quietly.
"Thank you for the flowers Corrine." I pay her and give her a considerably hefty tip. She sets the bouquets in my hands and she's not even looking at the payment.
"How'd you know my name?"
I wink at her after saying, "Check the name tag."
I quickly leave the shop before getting back into my car. She runs out of the shop as the driver heads to the next destination. I don't know if it's because the five hundred dollars wrapping around the one million dollar check that I tipped her or if it's because she's not wearing a nametag. I don't know if it's enough to replace the hole her sister's loss has left but I tried. I watch her in the rear view mirror and she touches her chest and I can see her inhale like she was holding her breath.
And then she's gone as we turn down a street.
________________
I arrange the bouquets on both graves. One older but still polished and cleaned up and the other one still healing from being upturned. My brother lays here next to the love of his life. I don't bury him with our parents, that would be an unkind thing to do. Instead, I bought the plot space from Addison's family so that I could leave him here.
He's just an urn and ash. He was not held a funeral; he was simply just burned and placed into a closet until I had the strength to take care of him. I don't play to say my goodbyes for long but somehow I find myself sitting on the bench and waiting.
Waiting for what? I have no clue.
"I miss you, both." I say, "and I'm sorry I'm the reason you are both dead."
I don't expect them to say, "Hey, it's all good, don't worry about it," but I want them to. I wish they could understand that the guilt eating me alive that I'm alive and they're dead is damn near killing me. It was unfair, I mean he deserved it but I made him into the monster that he was. And I never even got to say that I loved him and that I forgave him for what he's done. It's not the truth, fully, but I don't know what's the truth with me anymore.
Tears fall down my cheeks before I can stop them. "Goodbye, brother."
I know I won't return to this place after I leave. This will be the last time I think of the past that has haunted me for so long. It will have to be or I won't survive. The feeling in my chest lulls inside of me, the feeling that is beyond grief. The feeling that it keeping me within this hell.
I open the letter that I wrote him and I recite it.
"I'm sorry," my voice breaks on every syllable. Everything hits me all at once and suddenly I'm sixteen and he's looking at me in disgust. "I'm so sorry Rory, please forgive me. I never wanted you to die...I just wanted you to be my brother, to see that Addison —"
I suck in a deep breath.
"That her death was needed or you would've died. I hope you know that now. I'm sorry I have to leave you here, to never come back...please don't hate me more than you did when you were alive. I don't think I can handle it. I don't know what else I can say, I don't know if there's anything left to say. I just know that you'll always be my little brother and I...I'm trying to forgive you for everything you've done. I'm trying. I love you, Rory."
I finish. It's a crap speech and it's not nearly all I have to say but I don't think there's enough words that can measure up to what I have to say. Possibly because I don't even know if what I just said is true. It's raw, though, and it's how I feel, right now and that's all I can ask of myself in this moment.
"So, your big evil has been vanquished?" A familiar voice questions.
I turn to see Sapphire. She looks older somehow since the last time I saw her. She was only a couple of years older than me but I could see that she's lived a horrible life — it's in her eyes. Adonis and Hernando appear and they push themselves in front of her.
"Relax, she's a..." I hesitate on the word. "Associate?"
Sapphire snorts but doesn't say anything. Adonis and Hernnado step aside at my order. She takes a seat next to me on the bench and she sighs. "I guess you could say that. I save you, you save me, that's happened more than once which is concerning."
"That's the life we live in, I guess." I laugh as she chuckles.
"How does it feel?" Sapphire leans onto her thighs.
"It's not great." I answer truthfully. "How'd you know I was going to be here?"
"I watch." Sapphire shrugs, "It's my job."
I chuckle, "What are you doing here?"
"Sitting with you."
"Why?"
"Because I had wished someone sat with me." I watch a cold look cross over her face. "It feels like a lifetime ago but I remember exactly how echoing it feels."
"What feels?"
"Losing someone you hate." She nods like it's all coming back to her. "And love at the same time."
"I don't know if I hated him..." I attempt to find the words. It had been bothering me for weeks. In truth, I didn't know how I felt towards my brother. I didn't know how I felt with his death. It was confusing and oftentimes annoying because I was dealing with the lost of my entire family. The family that never really felt like a family. "Even when I thought I did, I don't think I did."
"It's one thin line, bordering two strong emotions, things are bound to be blurry." Sapphire shrugs, "Don't spend your entire life trying to figure it out."
"Have you spent your entire life trying to figure it out?"
"No, but a lot of it." She confesses. "It's nice to see you alive."
"It's nice to see you alive, too." I return her soft smile. "Should we be talking in the open; a mafia leader and a secret agent?"
"We've done it before."
I nod in agreement, "The stakes are higher, now. I missed the winter ball but I know that treaties were broken. I know that mass casualties took place. How would this look?"
"Not our circus," Sapphire raises her hands. "We're staying out of mafia business and letting you all destroy each other until we have reason to."
A smile flits to my lips, "I thought you all were about protecting the greater good."
"I'm starting to think there's some great good in all of you too, plus we swore to protect the people of the world, good or bad."
"That's a pretty morally gray profession you have."
"And yours isn't?"
"Touché." I laugh and I feel like she understands me more than I understand her.
"You better get going."
"Why?" I ask in confusion.
"The little birdy in my ear has just updated that you have seventeen missed calls."
I pull out my phone and sure enough. "How did I not here it?"
"I muted it, I wanted the two of us to talk."
"Do you know what's wrong?"
Sapphire smiles, "Of course I do, your friend Brooklyn is trying to tell you that Delphi is in labor."
"What!" I yell before shooting to my feet. "She's not due for another two months."
"I don't think the baby cares that much."
I panic as I call Brooklyn but it's going right to voicemail. "I'm two hours out!"
A helicopter glistens in the sky at that very moment. Sapphire squints up at it like this is the most normal thing she's ever seen. I see a flash of orange and then a rope ladder is being tossed out of the door. This kind of thing only happens in spy movies.
"I could give you a ride." Sapphire screams as she reaches out and takes ahold of the ladder to steady it. The wind from the propellers whir quickly.
"I thought our debt is supposed to be cleared!"
She reaches out her hand, "My friends never owe me anything!"
"I'm your friend?" I say apprehensively. "I don't have many of those."
Sapphire's eyes glint with something. "Me either!"
There's a pause as we realize that we're probably the few people in this world that understands what it's like to love your brother so much, have them either betray you or attempt to murder not only you, but your friends and family, and then die. Yeah, she's my friend because she's the only one that gets it. That gets the feeling in their chest that is beyond grief. I take her hand and climb the rope ladder.
It's extremely loud when she pulls me into the helicopter. She leans over and places a helmet onto my head and does the same for herself. The world quiets and then I hear her voice.
"Orange, get us to Fairfax City Hospital, there's a baby about to be born in this world and an auntie that wants to be there."
The Asian boy grins, "Buckle up, we're going to really see how good this puppy flies."
"Oh god!" I scream as the helicopter seems to swirl upwards. I watch as my brother's grave gets smaller and smaller. Then I really notice how far up from the ground we are. How far up from all my troubles and tragedies we are. For the first time that I'm not with Alana, I feel like there's light and life inside of me.
Alana has been the thing that brightens my existence but it's so empty feeling that way. I used to believe I had a purpose to all of this and then Alana came in and boggle my mind. She showed me that I was worth more than what I believed — that I was worth fighting for. After that day, though, everything I believed became so blurry. But here I was thousands of feet in the sky with two people I barely know and I feel like I'm seeing for the first time since the accident.
Not every personal profound moment has to happen a profound way. A simply helicopter ride, a beautiful girl, anything can make your world open and transform. I laugh as I watch the sky all blue and bright and beautiful. I laugh because I can touch it, I swear I can, it's only centimeters away.
I'm not dead.
I'm alive.
This chapter was mainly because I wanted to see my other babies and realized how similar Sapphire and Francesca are. Chessy is making things right in the best way she can, not only with herself but with the people that she's hurt in the past.
Okay, the final chapter is coming 💛