Mason joins me on the couch, sitting silently for a few minutes. I wait for him to start speaking, but when I look at him, he's moping— staring ahead. His eyes are distant and unreadable, and I wonder why I decided to stay. He's totally dissociated.
It's been almost a month of this seesaw motion, the constant uncertainty, never fully knowing where his mind is at... if I choose to be with him, I deserve to know why it's so imperative that I do as he asks. I have always struggled to ask for what I want, but it's time he gives me answers.
I've been patient for long enough, and I know what I deserve... and It isn't this!
I take a deep breath to calm myself before starting the conversation. Hearing Ben's voice inside my head, I recall him encouraging me to talk to Mason, and now is my chance.
"Is it me? Are you embarrassed by me, Mason?" I ask him. I know I've asked this before, but I need to know the truth. My insecurity bleeds through my words. "We couldn't be any more different. I mean, look at us." I gesture between him and me.
His eyes widen, appalled by my words, "Fuck no. Why do you keep asking me that? What am I doing that makes you feel that way?"
His answer reassures me but only for a short time, and releasing the breath I had been holding, I continue, "Because whenever our friends are around us, you don't come near me. You make it seem like you don't want anything to do with me. Now you tell me you don't want anyone to see us together." I explain. "If it is true, and we are just friends, Mase, then why all the secrecy?"
Mason stands up from the couch and begins pacing back and forth, searching for the right words, I imagine.
"Look, I don't give a shit about my friends. They already know! It's your friends that I worry about. I know how they feel about me." His tone is sarcastic, "Charlotte and Lilly have been warning me to stay away from you since High School. They threatened to tell you everything about me and my past." Mason looks down at me.
Hearing this does... and doesn't surprise me— I can't help but laugh at the extent my friends would go to protect me. "Since High School?" They never mentioned this to me before... they've been keeping Mason and me apart?!
Those bitches!
Mase side-eyes me and smirks, "Yes. I told you before you weren't the only one with the crush Ros," Now he's the one who's suddenly shy, "And you laugh, but Lilly terrifies me. Plus, my history isn't something that I want everyone to know. It's in the past. That's where I would like it to stay," He finishes, his hands in his pants pockets as he rocks back and forth on his heels.
"You think I don't know about your past, Mase? Charlotte & Lilly would never keep anything from me if they thought there was a chance I could get hurt." I tell him.
Mason advances on me, kneeling at my feet. His torso pushes against my legs, making me scooch back on the couch. "Why are you here?" He looks questioningly at me. "If you know about the shitty things I've done, why would you agree to come tonight?" His words release in a flurry, and he grabs my wrists, waiting for an answer.
He makes me question myself. Truthfully, I don't know how to answer him. I know Mason has a bad reputation, but I have always chosen to look past it. I want to believe there's more to him than he allows everyone to see.
"I like you," I tell him earnestly. "No matter what you did in your past."
"Why?"
I snort, "Why?" I repeat, and he nods. "Mase, because...." My words drift off as his dark chestnut eyes bore into mine, "Because you make me feel things I've never felt before." I groan.
"Aren't you scared to get hurt by me?"
"Every day," I say shyly.
Mason grabs my face between his large hands, his thumbs smoothing the concern I know is etched over my face. "Ros," He sounds gutted.
"You asked," I tell him frankly.
"I know," His face tells me he wish he hadn't asked. "I didn't realize you thought about this so much." Continuing to look ashamed of himself.
"What do you want from me?" I ask brazenly. Before making any decision about Mason, I want to hear his expectations.
I surprise him with my question; bold isn't my strong suit, but I'm glad I've caught him off guard. He sits back on his heels, releasing his hold; he rests his palms face down on his thighs. "I haven't thought about it." He tells me, and I know he is lying.
"Bullshit."
"I don't know what you want me to say, Roslyn," He focuses solely on picking a piece of lint from his pants then puts his hands on his legs. "I haven't."
"Am I just one of the many?" I ask him callously, and I can see I've hurt him.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" He asks; his tone is ice cold as he flinches from my words.
"No," Standing my ground, I refuse to back down. "I've been honest with you tonight. But you're right; you haven't. You haven't been honest with me."
"I have been honest with you, Ros." He says solemnly, "You are just refusing to listen to me."
I sit in silence, hoping I haven't pushed him too far. But after weeks of this push and pull, I want him to tell me everything. I cross my arms over my chest and I sit back against the couch, raising my brows at him until he begins to speak.
"Roslyn," He murmurs, clenching his hands into fists, his eyes shut tightly. "You wouldn't understand." His words come out through gritted teeth, hissing.
"Try me," I reach over his fist and gently pry his hand open, clasping my fingers through his.
"It's complicated." He sighs but continues knowing that I won't let this go. "Being of the Muslim faith, there are many illicit things. Like dating or sex before marriage," He shakes his head at me, observing me, then adds, "I did a lot of fucked up things when I was younger. I partied and fucked around with girls. But when I went away to college," He swallows thickly. "Things changed. I focused more on my education, and that's where my head remains."
He searches my face for any signs of misunderstanding, but I sit there silently— waiting for him to continue. Mason holds my hand firmly, not wanting to release me. "Ros, I wasn't expecting any of this. I wasn't expecting you." He tells me softly, "You were a surprise to me."
I sit, chewing my lip in concentration, thinking about all he has shared with me. I question whether what I know of his past is true. Mason releases my lip from my teeth with his thumb, rubbing my swollen lip. Kneeling, he smiles at me and rests his forehead against mine.
"What's going on in there, Ros," he asks, his fingers tapping gently on my head.
"I was just thinking... I don't want to come between you, your studies— or your family," I promise him, trying to reassure him of that. "But I think we have already gone too far, Mason." I look guiltily at him, "I am just worried about everything you have said... You have never been in a relationship before?"
Mason pales at my question, swallowing deeply. "I shouldn't have let things go that far at the lake," he tells me, "Not that I didn't enjoy it, but it complicates things."
Remembering that night, I know exactly what he means. I have fallen harder for him since we became intimate. I haven't stopped thinking about him, or wanting and needing more of him, which does complicate things... cause I can't be with him when I want to be.
We could take a step backward and slow things down.... My heart does a double take at the thought my brain produces.
"I understand, Mase. You need to do what's best for you." I tell him; my stomach sinks at what that means for us, but I swallow it down and ask him again, "Have you been in a relationship?"
Mason blows his breath out, his hand reaching the back of his neck to rub away the tension. "Nothing serious," He mumbles, "In High School, it was nothing more than us hanging out and fucking around. The girls knew what was up. They all told me they were okay with it."
I nod at his explanation, believing the girls knew what to expect from him, but that doesn't mean they didn't want more than he was willing to give. I kick myself, knowing I am now in that same position.
"You told me that you aren't allowed to have sex before marriage... Is that... something..." I stutter, my words fail me.
His chin tilts towards his chest, and his natural long eyelashes curtain his eyes that narrow at me while I try to complete my sentence. "Spit it out, Ros," Mason says, grinning at me.
I hate to admit this to myself, let alone him! I've always thought he was a bit of a slut... sleeping around with multiple women. To confess this to him now, simply by questioning his abstinence. It feels shameful.
"You mean you've never had sex before?" I ask him nervously, barely able to look him in the eye as I wait for his response.
Mase shakes his head at my question... not embarrassed in the least by my question. "I'm a virgin, Roslyn." His response puzzles me, and he reads it all over my face. "I want to wait for marriage. I want to share that experience with someone I love deeply. I want it to mean something for the both of us." He explains to me.
I smile at his conviction; I have often considered saving myself for someone I love... and have even thought of waiting for marriage myself. Maybe Mason and I have more in common than I thought.
I blame the gossip I heard, which led me to believe I knew who he was. My opinion of Mason has been that he plays girls, has sex with them, and then ghosts them. This must be why Ben told me that the girls were wrong about Mason and why I needed to talk to him directly.
Things slowly piece together.... I realize how naive I have been, and how awful it must feel to be someone on the receiving end of such terrible rumours.
I scrutinize his every move, as he props himself on the couch, and once he sits quietly beside me— I pause only briefly before I jump on his lap to hug him. His arms wrap around me as he holds me, his face in the curve of my neck, and I squirm when I feel him breathe in deeply as his curly hair tickles my skin.
"Look," he sighs, bending his head back to look at me, "I have been with women... just not all the way. I think that's all you need to know," he says, and I nod, as his face hides in the crook of my neck.
I don't want to hear about Mason's past sexual experiences... but my anxiety creeps in from its dark cave within me, and silently questions where this could possibly go considering he just told me he doesn't date.
"Mason?"
"Yes?"
"If you don't date, than why am I here?"
His breath is hot against my skin as he sighs heavily, "Because I can't stop thinking about you, Roslyn. I think about you a lot, baby." He looks me straight in the eyes, words silence me. "I need you to understand that I must keep my life private, away from my family. If they found out... well, it would be bad." I can see the fear on his face as he visualizes the situation coming to fruition. "All I know is how much I want to be with you. Can't you see that?"
I laugh at him, embarrassed, "No. I've been so confused by you, Mase."
A low growl emanates from his throat, and his eyes narrow at me, "Do you trust me?" he asks.
I blush, because quite honestly, my thoughts would have me believing I don't. But when I look into his eyes, and see the truth staring back at me, I nod my head without hesitation.
"What did you tell Khader last night?"
Mason looks amused, "I told Khader you were a friend," he smiles charmingly at me, "but he called me out on my shit and asked how long we'd been seeing each other." He rolls his eyes at the mention of his brother.
Surprised that Khader knows about us, I'm relieved at this fact. At least, one person in his family knows about us.
"How do you want to handle this, then? Us?" I ask, curious how he plans on dealing with whatever this is between us.
"There's that word again. Us." He arches a brow at me, "I would like to keep seeing you, Ros, but only if you can handle it being on my terms."
I ask him exactly what his terms consist of, and he begins to list how our relationship could work; "In the past, people knew the girls that I dated," He rolls his eyes skyward as he says dated, "but as I told you in the past, Ros, those girls knew that it wasn't serious with me. I have always made that very clear to them. I keep my life very private these days. I don't want people talking about you and me or making assumptions about what's going on between us, okay?"
I listen carefully, twisting the ends of my hair around my finger, and nod.
"You don't want anything serious with me?" I ask, my voice barely audible.
I'm not trying to be defiant, nor do I want to continuously question his intentions. The best thing to do is to put it all out there, air it all out.
"I didn't want anything serious with those girls..." he replies, "I was 17 back then Rosie. Way too young for anything serious." His fingers dig into my waist, tickling me— his attempt to lighten the mood and my whole body relaxes.
"But the rest of my family cannot know about you. At all. That is something I won't bend on. If I am with them, I will not text you. My family comes first, always. Can you handle that?"
Mason drills me with an unrelenting stare, and I bite my lip, nodding.
"Roslyn, this thing between us won't be typical. I can't take you out in public on dates; I can't be with you like I want to in front of our friends when we are all together. I won't text you like I know you want me to or call you for that matter." My shoulders slump, "I'll see you when I can because I've got a lot going on this summer." He says his words are cold, but he's being truthful. "What do you think?" he asks me gently.
Mase scrutinizes me, and I look away from his unrelenting gaze, unsure if I can handle everything he has just thrown at me.
"I'll be your best-kept secret then?" I ask him, the sarcasm laces my tone... because quite frankly, I hate to admit that despite him telling me all of the things I can't expect from him, I'm still willing to consider his proposal.
I watch him wince at my words, and his eyes close tightly. He sighs out a long deep breath, and he nods slightly.
"I know this isn't fair to you, Roslyn. I shouldn't ask this of you." He tells me, his eyes searching mine, "But right now? It's all I can offer. Have I scared you off?"
"Maybe, a little," I tease, but I cup his face with my hand and kiss him lightly, hoping to reassure him.
"I know how fucked up this is. Trust me." He looks at me; sadness is evident. "I know what I am asking for is selfish. But I don't want to lose you, Roslyn."
"I promise I will think about everything you have told me this evening," I swear to him.
Mason lifts me off his lap and walks to the kitchen to grab his keys. Looking back at me, he says, "Can I drive you home?"
I walk toward him and grab my purse from the counter. I smile up at him and tousle my fingers through his hair. "Of course. Thank you for your honesty, I really appreciate it." Mason visibly relaxes and stoops to kiss me on my cheek.
. ^ . ^ .
All I can think about on the drive home is how much Mason has opened up to me this evening. It has to mean something, but if everything he tells me is true, how can we possibly have a future?