Sunday, 26 April, 2015
Dear whatever,
It's been awhile since I heard from "him." I miss him dearly and my friends can start to see the depression I am experiencing. It seems foolish to be typing a diary. I was given the idea to do this simply out of boredom. I don't even know what to call this so called diary. I guess I will stick with Whatever for now. It's hard to even think about going to school tomorrow. I just hope no one bullies me this time, it just seems so wrong to talk about these things here. This is all I have left now, I guess I can make this work. Today was a pretty fun day today I guess. I got to hang out with my friend yesterday and today. Last night was pretty exciting since I got to drink Monster at her house while this morning we left to go to the beach and when we got there, there were rip tides. We decided to go to the pool which was pretty fun too, except when I go to the beach I just want to overlook the sea. That sense of freedom that you get when you see how far out the ocean stretches to, just tempts me to swim there forever until I finally reach the horizon. One day, I want to run away to the beach and just stay there. I want to feel the suspense of knowing that if I ever go home I will be in trouble. I guess that's just the way to feel when you are a young teenager. It would have been a perfect day if I just knew that "he" would message me. He hasn't messaged me ever since last Thursday. Oh well, I knew it would be too good to be true for a guy as handsome and sweet to fall in love with a girl who wears the biggest glasses and has the curliest of hair, it just doesn't work that way for a girl with such little hopes. Some day, I hope we bump into each other and our eyes meet creating a magical feeling. Having that certain what I would call "supernova" knowing that he is "the one." My parents are watching a movie now, I'm not a real fan of movies so I'm just in my room listening to music as I write. Max is usually getting into trouble by my mother as he barks at the television of the loud noises coming from the movie. I wonder if he too wishes for freedom as much as me.
Sincerely, Alanis.
Tuesday, 28 April, 2015
Dear Whatever,
So much has happened in just these two days. I'm trembling with fear with after what just happened to myself. My parents left to go walk and all of a sudden the alarm goes off in the house. I try to put in the password but it doesn't stop! I call my father and as I try to explain to him, he starts to sound even more aggressive as my failed attempts of turning off the alarm don't work. Then I get a call, I didn't know it would be from the security so I decided not to answer and after that, my father hangs up. I feel relieved then I get another call from the security, I answer it, then am explained how it was a false alarm and that the police won't come. Then my father barges in, grabs me by the hair, and yanks me right in front of the house alarm.
He yells at me, "What is the alarm code!"
I answer with an "I don't know reply."
Then my dad asks again, this time yelling, "What is the alarm code?!"
I guess and somehow say the correct passcode. He asks why I didn't do that and my answer is that I was never taught of a drill if something such as an emergency were to happen. Then it started, he seemed to rage in fury and bombard me with these aggressive comments on how I am stupid, idiotic, and dumb in not knowing what to do. I knew that I was about to cry but I didn't even dare to. After a couple minutes he decided to punish me by taking my phone and my iPad and then my parents left me alone in the house as they went to take a walk around the neighborhood. After when I knew they were long gone, I bursted out crying as I did my homework, I shouted cruel things at myself, and again I just wanted to die. There is nothing I can do to stop tears rushing down my face until I hear them come back in the house and that's when I stopped crying and went back to homework. I made no eye contact and a while later at around 7ish my dad comes in. He asks, "do you want your phone back?"
At hearing him ask me a question in a slightly softer tone rather than aggressive made me even more scared. I started trembling and placed my hand above my eyebrows to shield myself from any eye contact. My father asked me if I had a headache and I replied with a frightful "no." Then he asked again if I would like my phone again and I replied with a frail "yes." Then he leaves the room to go get my electronics and I just lay on my bedroom floor afraid of trying to patch things up between the fight.
Once he gives me my electronics, I immediately open up the chatting app to see if I had new messages. I was bombarded with many people on the app asking if I was okay because if was very unlikely that I wouldn't reply for so long. Then I saw that "he" had messaged me and I felt relieved, I talked with him then told him what happened. He was pretty upset then told me to wait a moment. I will tell the rest of the details when I feel comfortable sharing about it, but now is not a very good time. Anyways, today was one of the worst days of my life, or maybe it is an exaggeration for something even worse to happen? What do you think?
Sincerely, Alanis.
Thursday, 30 April, 2015
Dear Whatever,
I had just gotten out of school and am now home. My father asked me what was on my face and I replied, "stickers." Apparently he was upset and asked me why I would do such a ridiculous thing. I knew it was ridiculous but I just didn't want to give in so I responded to wanting to "stand out" from the crowd. My mother also thought it seemed pretty ridiculous of me to do that and comments, "People will make fun of you for that." I seemed to get offended then calmly replied, "well I shouldn't care what other people think because I am myself and if they want to make fun of me, then that is their problem not mine."
My father thought I was being rude and how I shouldn't have such an attitude when I was obviously just stating the truth. Long story short, we fought and I ripped the star shaped stickers off my face just to be done with such a stupid argument! What other parents argues with their child just for having stickers! Sorry father that I am such a disappointment in your life? Sorry that I am trying to have a childhood but you are just ruining it? Sorry that I'm not evil? Sorry that you make me go through mild depression? Sorry that I want to run away? And sorry that I wish I was fostered?
My mother is a great woman, though she can get on my nerves, I will always forgive and love her. Unlike my father. My mom gave away my flower pictures that we bought from the store to the neighbor next door since she has a baby girl and thought it would be nice to decorate it with my paintings that I grew out of. Once my mom finished talking with the neighbor she came into my room and told me how our neighbor wondered if I did baby-sitting. My mom replied with a yes and I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to have a nice job, my mom also thought how it would be nice if we both took CPR lessons so I could be certified in it in my baby-sitting career. I love children and animals so how could I disagree with what my mom told our neighbor?
Anyways, it is the afternoon and the day isn't quite over yet. Max is curled up in between my legs resting, he is such an adorable dog. What I love about dogs is how they are blind to the outside of a human and focuses on the love that comes from the inside. this makes dogs stay loyal to their owner by pure friendship. Although, I wouldn't call myself being an owner to Max, I consider myself his close friend from since he was just a small little pup. Dogs do not judge people by what's on the outside like what almost every human being in our society does, they look at what's on the inside.
That is what I call "true love."
Sincerely, Alanis.
Tuesday, 5 May, 2015
Dear Whatever,
So many things has happened but I just don't feel like sharing it. It can seem pretty odd in my perspective on how I am starting to view things in life. Ever since I moved here it's been different, having to make new friends, the struggle of fitting in. People think I am a happy girl on the outside but what they don't know is that it's just a cover up so I don't have to show people the real me. I am actually a deep person who is constantly in a train of thought. I like to write poetry and music but they just never seem good in my taste. We finally went to the beach three days ago since those rip tides cancelled our first attempt of a beach trip. It was fun considering I didn't have to go alone, I went with my friend whom she too seemed to enjoy the trip.
Yesterday, I got a message from "him" since a week. He explained to me that he couldn't contact me because his father doesn't have enough money to pay for Internet. I actually felt sorry for him since he couldn't use his electronics but when I kept thinking about it, I felt happy for him. I would at least want to go one day without my electronics, so that I could feel relaxed and think about the beautiful Universe we live in. Every night before I go to bed I like to search for new stars through my window and count how many can be seen in my perspective. I can't see many since of the light pollution from all the lights in cities, houses, and other buildings/places.
My dream would be to travel to a desert in the night. I would want to lay on top of the trunk of my car and just look up at the stars. Since I would be far away from light pollution, I would be able to see all the wonder our stars and even parts of the Milky Way Galaxy. If I saw a shooting star pass by, my wish would be for everything to go back to the way it was. For less lights and more darkness, less vain and more pure, less beauty on the outside and more on the inside, and for our minds to unravel together in helping one another in creating something beautiful. All that we have ever been doing was destroying nature and creating it artificially to hide us from the truth. Do you too share the same mind as I do? I am just so curious to as which there are actually secrets in our universe anymore.
I have always been wondering why people call us "emo." I like to think of it more as a fallen angel, a unique and rare quality which stands out to people in a vain way when we really are pure, maybe the purest of them all. When people ever ask me if I'm emo I always say "yes" but, in this diary it is not the case. I am a dead rose which has been reborn and made into a new hybrid, the rose that which never dies. I am the rose with petals as red as blood that symbolize savior. The dead rose has never died, it has been asleep for a thousand years and has just now woken up.
Sincerely, Alanis.
P.S- I decided on naming you "Copeland" just because I wouldn't want to keep calling this diary "whatever." This diary is now something special to me in which holds all my truths and feelings. Copeland makes me feel calmed down, I guess it's because of "Cope" which means, "to deal effectively with something difficult." If I can just deal with all these problems by pouring out all my feelings like a fountain into this book, then I know I will be okay. I know you will never judge me for anything I write and say, and for that, I trust you with the secrets of my soul.
Saturday, 16 May, 2015
Dear Copeland,
It's been awhile since I wrote in this diary and so many things have happened today. Especially in love matters, but I won't go into detail with that until I feel more comfortable in telling you my deep secrets. I have been afraid of oblivion lately. I wonder whether people would actually care and remember me if I ever died. Well now you know what my biggest fear is, what's yours?
Sincerely, Alanis
Monday, 18 May, 2015
Dear Copeland,
I thought about it and I decided not to eat. Starting tomorrow, I will not eat breakfast nor lunch but I will eat dinner so my parents know that I am still doing fine. Tomorrow morning I will slip my breakfast in my lunch-box so that I can take it to school even though I won't eat it. If my dad asks, I will just tell him that my friends and I are creating a share breakfast which is when we swap our breakfasts constantly so that we could have a different taste of each breakfast and have some fun. Then once it is lunch time, I will give my friends my lunch and breakfast and if they ask I will just say I am not feeling well at the moment. Only two of my friends know so far and I guess you do too which now makes three. Now I want you to swear on your grave that you will not tell a soul about my problem. Then once I lose enough weight I can finally feel a bit more comfortable about my own body! Everybody wins, this may be a good idea since I'm not really going anorexic, or at least not as much as other anorexic people would anyways. It feels so good to let you know how I am feeling right now. If I ever told one of my friends they would probably think of me as a bore to their life, but I know you will always listen to me Copeland. That's why I think of you as one of my dearest friends.
Sincerely, Alanis.
Monday, 25 May, 2015
Dear Copeland,
I started eating again but only because my friends started to get mad at me. They saw how desperate I was and ended up opening my eyes to see how the normal American looked. I'm not American though, I'm Puerto Rican. I get tired of being called a Mexican and frequently being asked if I eat tacos every single day for dinner. If anything, I would rather be British, I mean they just seem so sophisticated and wonderful while I am the total opposite. I've been writing poems lately, they seem quite nice if I do say so myself. They get deeper as they are continuously being read on by people wanting to understand the true meaning of what I am trying to say, but alas, no one will ever figure out what the true meaning is, and when they do, they will understand what life really is like and how the Universe works. Here let me tell you one before I go:
As he walks down the street
A cold chill down his spine
He knew he was beat
Because now it was time
Life started with its hands to the sky
The grim came to welcome him
But he didn't want to cry
But the Soul Taker just said: Tim
Are you sure you want to go?
Nothing with be the same
The Earth will soon to be blown
Completely going insane
But alas, his reply was
I'm ready.
---------
Sincerely, Alanis.
Friday, 5 June, 2015
Dear Copeland,
Today was the last day of school and so much has happened! Did I tell you I got a new boyfriend? He is simply amazing, we have been to a shy start, but we have warmed up to each other. Today when school was finally over, I found him and gave him a hug and a letter saying things that I would love to do over the summer, then I left with my friend Ashley back to walk to the bus and as we were walking down the hallway, My boyfriend, Michael, ran after me and hugged me from behind. I felt so loved as he wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked down the hall. Our last hug was when we finally had to part our ways, we hugged each other which seemed like forever as I buried my head in his chest and him hugging his arms around my waist as we pressed close to each other.
After the bus ride home, I got to message him and we were talking about how happy we made each other, how we never wanted to let go of our hug, and how we make each other smile. I've had other conversations with my friends, including Ashley, about our boyfriends and other topics that were pretty funny. Right now I am video chatting with Ashley and Michael and he is off playing video games while me and Ashley talk to each other. Well, what will we talk about next once Michael finally decides to get off his video games?
Sincerely, Alanis.
Tuesday, 9 June, 2015
Dear Copeland,
Tomorrow will be Michael and I's two week anniversary! We are both excited considering that he has only been together with his last two girlfriends for a week. I feel like he truly loves me and he always cheers me up when I am feeling down. There is literally no one else better than him. We were talking to each other about how to tell my parents that we are dating but it is simply just too hard considering how my father seems to be strict while my mom on the other hand has her limits. I have been conditioning harder lately because I am simply just not happy with my body. My mother bought me an outfit today because she says I need to dress more "girly." Apparently band merch, skinny jeans, and skateboarding shoes are not girly. What can I say? I'm a skater at heart. She bought me a lacy, white crop top with lacy sleeves that go to the middle of the top part of my arms, which is quite comfortable, and soft, skinny jeans with tiny rips on the denim. I quite liked it and when I showed my friends a picture of me in it they thought I was hot! They kept on talking how it complimented my front and behind and how Michael would love to see me in that outfit when we go to Skateland this thursday. Come to think of it, he seemed quite flustered when I showed him that picture of me in my new outfit my mother got me earlier today. His exact words were, "Dang that's hot" and "that's a nice outfit I can't wait. Like can't wait to see everyone.... Haha imma shut up forever."
It was quite flattering if I may say so myself. Anyways, I have been talking to my friend from where I used to live and she goes through the same depression problem that I go through. She finally opened herself to me and told me how sad she felt and even sent me a picture that said:
I'm sorry I am not perfect.
I'm sorry I cut.
I'm sorry I break my promises.
I'm sorry I want to give up.
I'm sorry I want to die.
I'm sorry I want to kill myself.
I'm sorry I hide my emotions.
I'm sorry I lie and say I'm fine.
I'm sorry I am pushing you away.
We both agreed that it explained exactly how we felt and what we were going through. She has been quite the friend to me when we both went to the same school and I'm glad that I can still communicate with her and share the same difficulties because I can finally let out my pain to an actual person and they too will understand because they are going through it like me. Well, today seemed like a fresh and new day with new secrets revealed and I won't know when another day will happen like this.
Sincerely, Alanis.
Tuesday, 16 June, 2015
Dear Copeland,
Life is getting better as the days go by! Michael has just told me a dream that he had with me in it and I can't stop blushing now. In his dream we kissed and I think that he quite enjoyed the dream if you think about it. I have been falling more and more in love with Michael and it's uncontrollable to think about him every day. Every day we text, talk, video chat, and some days we will hang out in person, and to be honest, it is a great feeling just being around him since he puts a smile on my face.
Tomorrow my mom gets her results to see if she has breast cancer or not. She has been quite worried since doctors found a lump under one of her breasts so a day after yesterday she got a mammogram. Now like I said, she won't get her results until tomorrow. Today her back has been hurting a lot so I thought it would be nice if I put horse gel on her back. If you were wondering what horse gel was, Copeland, it's a gel that is used on joint pains and such, it was first used for horses, and it still is, but humans now use it too because it relieves pains in your bones such as in accidents with sprains, pulls in the muscle, popped veins, and etc. I have been having people pray for my mom and I am hoping that when people read this, they will pray for my mom too so that she will not have Breast cancer. What would I do without my mother and it would just be me and my dad in this house?
Sincerely, Alanis.