I close the door and walk back into the apartment in a daze. How could I not have known? "So, what do I need to do to get some food around here?" Hayley's voice tore into my thoughts.
"You can look in the fridge. See if there's anything you'd like," I say automatically. Hayley does just that. She sifts through whatever I have and settles on an apple. Then, she sits on one of my chairs and stares at me defiantly.
My brain is occupied with two things. My sister and Hayley. The only sound is that of the apple as she munches away. Her eyes are glued to mine, and I'm the first to look away. "What happened?" I ask, moving closer to her.
"Why would you care?" she grumbles back. "You never even showed up to the funeral. You never showed up at all."
"I—" Before I go on, I stop myself. Now is not the time to tell her my reasons for avoiding my sister and her family. "I'd still like to know."
"They died in some random robbery," Hayley says. "So, now I'm going to stay here." She was so blunt about it. Had she moved on so quickly? From the way her eyes shifted as she spoke, I guess not.
A robbery? What a meaningless way to die. They had a daughter and a family, and here I am. Alone. Maybe that's just fate's way of laughing at us all.
It's true that I never visited, but that didn't mean that I wouldn't even want to go to my own sister's funeral. We used to be close. We used to tell each other everything. I feel an ache behind my eyes and swallow hard to control myself. I need to think of more practical things right now. Hayley didn't need to see me breakdown during our first real meeting.
Why hadn't I been notified? And then I remember. A week ago, I got a letter in the mail. It was postmarked Ohio. I always chucked mail from that place. Reading about my sister's perfect life wasn't one of my favorite things to do. Maybe that letter had been about the funeral. So, it was just me messing it all up again.
"Hayley, of course you can stay here," I say.
"Thanks, you're a real angel," she replies bitterly. Then, she gets up, goes to my room, and slams the door shut. I sigh and lean back against the wall. My sister...
I want to cry, but the tears won't come. It's been fourteen years since I talked to her. I don't even really know her anymore. Instead, I have a dull ache in my heart and throat without the strength of feeling to release the pain.
I spend the rest of the afternoon reading the newspaper without seeing the words and flipping through channels on my old TV. The pictures aren't very clear, but it is a good distraction. Better than trying to make sense of what is going on. I can't read my book either since it is locked in my room along with Hayley.
Hasn't she been there long enough? I don't want to upset her by asking her too many questions, but it isn't healthy. Readying myself for a storm, I knock on the door.
"Hayley, is there anything you'd like for dinner?" I ask. No answer. "Hayley?" I call out, louder this time.
Click.
The door unlocks, and Hayley stares up at me. "No. I'm not hungry." She moves to close the door again, but I jam my foot in the crack just in time.
"You're going to eat. I don't care if you're not hungry," I say, doing my best to be firm. She is a child, after all.
"You don't care about me at all. You're just doing this so you can feel better about yourself," she mutters. But she still opens the door and walks to the kitchen.
Was she right? It was true that I didn't really feel anything for her yet. I was still in shock. It's not that I didn't care about her. I just didn't know her yet.
"Make whatever you can," Hayley says when I enter the kitchen. She settles for staring at the wall. Is that what she's been doing in my room this whole time?
I start getting some food ready. Hot dogs were easy to make, and I could finish them up fast. Glancing at Hayley, I decide to try something. "Would you like to help?" I ask.
She faces me, and I am struck once again by her accusing gaze. "Not really. Don't expect me to do your work for you." What had I expected? My plan ended in a failure.
When dinner is ready, we sit across from each other and eat in silence. I'm glad to see that she has an appetite, although her face switches between anger and a lack of any kind of emotion.
"So, what do you do?" she asks me suddenly. Her eyes size me up, and I feel like I'm on trial.
"I'm a server at a diner."
"Oh. A waitress. Mom's a banker...was a banker..." Hayley trails off. An awkward end to what could have been a nice conversation. "What are you going to do next?" she asks me.
"I'm sorry?" I say. Next? Hayley rolls her eyes.
"After you're done being a waitress. What's your actual goal?" I frown. There was no "after being a waitress". I enjoy it.
"I'm not doing this as an in-between job. Serving is a very fulfilling use of my time."
"Whatever. You're at least aiming for a promotion, right? To a hostess or something?" Hayley stares at me with those eyes again. Something inside me wants to prove to her that I can take care of her. Whether it's for her, or myself, or to satisfy my guilt is still unclear, but I do want to keep her safe. And I need her to trust me to do that.
"Actually, I was offered a position at a classier restaurant today."
"Hmm." Hayley chews her hotdog and takes a sip of water. "And you're going to take the job? Because you could use some more money. Now that you have to take care of me."
That was true. I did need more money. Living a life of uncertainty was fine for me, but with a child here as well, there should be no possibility that she'd go hungry on slow weeks.
"Of course I'm taking the job," I say. "It was already my plan before I knew about you." A small white lie to gain the acceptance of someone more than 10 years younger than me. What am I coming to?
Hayley pushes her plate away and gets up. "I'm going to bed," she announces and ends her interview. I nod, and then realize that I only have one bedroom. One bed. I'd have to arrange something later.
For now, I wash the dishes, clean up around my apartment, and basically avoided doing the one important thing I have to do before I turned in for the night.
When I can't put it off any longer, I pick up the phone and dial the number on the card Sharpe had given me.
Ring.
Am I really doing this? Can I handle it?
Ring.
I remember Hayley comparing me to her mother. My sister. I know I can never measure up to her, but is it right that I've never tried?
Ring.
Besides, this shouldn't be about me. Hayley needs a stable home. A stable home needs a stable income.
Click.
"Hello?"
"Hello. It's Melanie Fox." No answer. "Um, you gave me your card earlier?" I curse the slight uncertainty that taints my voice.
"Ah, yes. It's a bit late to be calling." That's true. What am I doing?
"Sorry about that, Mr. Sharpe. I just wanted to let you know that...I'll take the job!" I say. No turning back now.
"Well, I'm very pleased to hear that. Be at the restaurant by one tomorrow afternoon. Show the manager my card, Ms. Fox."
"Alright."
"Have a good evening."
Click. The dial tone is loud in my ears, and I hang up the phone as well. I'd go to the diner in the morning and explain my decision. It was going to be difficult to say goodbye to them.
I shuffle back to my room and sit on my bed. It's a good thing that I stop myself at the last moment as I've almost crushed Hayley. This would take some getting used to.
She's sleeping diagonally in a way that takes up the whole bed. I think about moving her but decide not to. She needs her sleep, the poor kid. So, I grab an extra blanket and go to my not-so-comfy couch. I can bear it for the night. Tomorrow, Hayley and I would have to discuss our sleeping arrangements.
It's when I'm just about to fall asleep that I realize something. Where's Hayley going to go when I'm at work? It's the middle of July. There's no school. Would it be negligent of me to leave her here alone? But, I can't take her with me. Not on the first day of my new job.
My mind is in turmoil, and I know I'm not going to get much rest tonight. All the more reason that I'll screw something up tomorrow. Either with my new job or with Hayley. This guardian thing is going to be much tougher than I'd thought.