" Are you okay?" Severus asked and James nodded.
As per usual Lily and Severus brought dinner and laid it out on the small area beside James' bed. Lily was in the bathroom but Severus sat next to him mixing the dressing into their side salad.
" Are you gonna tell me why you and Lupin are avoiding each other or is it too soon?" Severus asked.
James inhaled and shook his head.
" I'll tell you but Lily can't know."
" Why?"
James shook his head and stared into nothing.
" She's a gryffindor. I don't want to start bad blood."
" I think she'd understand."
" Still. I want peace. I don't need any bias towards me or anyone else."
Severus hummed and was about to speak up again when Lily walked out of the bathroom.
" So. Since you are officially back on the quidditch team, I figured we go celebrate."
" Celebrate? How?" James asked and he was almost concerned by the excited glint in Lily's eyes.
" The 7th year Ravenclaws are throwing a party and I happen to get an invite." She said and Severus laughed.
" Oh god, he's that desperate?"
Lily nodded and Severus laughed even more, biting his lip to stop himself.
" What? Who's he?"
" Some blond trying to woo Lily. He's literally graduating and going after a 15 year old." He scoffed.
" He's 17, you make it sound way worse than it actually is."
" He's of age!"
" He just turned 17 it's fine." She waved him off.
" Anyway, you up for it?" Lily asked and James tugged on his ear.
" When is it?'
" Next week. Ravenclaw tower."
" Wouldn't the teachers know if they did it in school?"
" Yeah i thought so too but get this. Because they are the graduating class, Flitwick told them if they can all get above a 7 in their mock NEWTS then he'll let them."
" What? I can't even get a 5 in Herbology." Severus complained and James rolled his eyes.
" Shut up i saw your grades, you have an eight in 4 out of 7 classes." He hit his arm and Severus gasped at him.
" Excuse you, 5 classes. I just figured Astronomy out."
James hit him again for his shameless brag and Severus laughed, nudging him with his elbow as a sort of pay back.
Lily was grinning while watching them and Severus gave her a look.
" What?"
" Nothing. I just think you guys look good together."
" What?" James asked, remembering what Sirius told him.
Since when was he your boyfriend?
" It's nothing. Anyway, party. Yes or No?" She asked and Severus leaned back.
" Who else is going?"
At this Lily grinned again and again, Severus was concerned.
" Emma Vanity will be there."
" Vanity is gonna be there?" Severus seemed suddenly interested.
" The slytherin quidditch captain? What's she got to do with anything...." And then it hits him.
Oh my god.
" Holy shit you have a crush!" James said and turned his full body to accuse Severus.
" I do not!"
" You so do, i see the way you look at her during the games." Lily said and Severus went bright red.
" Holy shit." James laughed.
" I'm glad you are having fun." Severus said flatly and James waved at him while laughing uncontrollably.
" Why didn't you tell me? Y'know i can get Frank to get some intel right?"
" Absolutely not! I am not bring another Gryffindor into the equation." He said. He looked absolutely baffled at the suggestion.
The uncontrollable laughter died into light chuckles and Severus sighed.
" Plus it would never work out anyway. She's a 7th year about to graduate and i'm a scrawny 5th year nobody likes." he said while picking at James' fleece blanket.
" Dude you can't be so negative. Where's your confidence man?" James said and pat ( more like slapped ) Severus' back.
Lily and Severus looked at James and he looked back at them confused.
" What?'
" Nothing. You just sounded a lot like the prat you used to be." Severus said quietly and went back to the salad he was previously working on.
James scoffed, not sure how to feel about it. Was he mad? no but it was giving him mixed feelings.
" Shut up." he just said and Severus rolled his eyes with a smile.
------------------------------------------------
" So the story about Lupin?" Severus asked.
Lily was passed out on Severus' lap, her face covered by a magazine she was reading.
James himself was propped up on a pillow beside him, reading a book of his own.
" You still wanna hear it?"
" I do."
" Warning you, it's gruesome." James said, expecting that to deter Severus away.
Instead, Severus responded with " I can take it."
James put the book down and folded his arm over himself, leaning his head against Severus' shoulder.
He finally took the offer. Severus thought in his mind, a little memory to when they first started to get along.
" Remus is a werewolf. And Sirius, Peter and I became Animagus to help him through his transitions."
......what.
Almost immediately, Severus' entire worldview was rocked. His eyes went wide and he looked down at James with a ' are you serious?' look but he didn't look back.
" In late October, Moony had a particularly painful transformation. Sirius had gone home for a few days because of family and the full moon landed on the days Padfoot would be gone."
James took a pause to take in a breathe and it was clearly hard for him to talk about it.
" What animagus are you?' Severus asked, half because of his own curiosity and half because he thought it would help him get through it.
" I'm a stag, Padfoot a dog and Wormtail is a rat. We call him wormtail because when he first transformed he couldn't get rid of his rat tail and it looked like a worm was sticking out of his butt." he said and Severus chuckled, as did he.
" Anyway, because Lupin is a relatively small werewolf and Sirius can turn into a big dog we have no problems. Sometimes there are accidents but nothing bad. However, i don't know if you noticed but Lupin had a growth spurt over easter break."
Severus had noticed. He went from 5'9 at best to 6'2 in a matter of weeks. Severus had his own theories about it, maybe growth potions but now he was realizing it was his rapid growth era. When adolescent werewolves build muscle and height to help their transformations.
" After easter the transformations became much harder to contain. Peter could always get away but me and Sirius took most of the damage. Well i did, i was the biggest and easiest to spot so remus instinctively went after me the most."
" Deer are natural prey." Severus mumbled.
" Stag. But yes, i was."
James was a little impressed with himself. He was surprisingly really put together at the moment.
" On that day, it was pretty much just me. I hadn't realised how hard it was gonna be and didn't make extra preparations. Remus broke out of the shack and ended up chasing me through the forbidden forest."
" And you couldn't get away." Severus whispered and that's when James felt his heart constrict.
" It's not his fault. He has no autonomy over his body during that time, he's still learning." James' voice started to break and Severus was truly taken back.
" But still, that's horrible."
" It was. He attacked me, thinking i was prey and couldn't recognize me. I watched him maul a few innocent animals before but he never went for anything bigger than a rabbit. Even then he'd just injure them and let them go. I had never seen him actually try to kill one before."
And this time he chose you. Severus' heart was breaking listening to the story.
" Um he bit my neck and held me down. He was trying to kill me so he tried to....." He stopped and coughed, choking back tears.
" Disembowel me."
Severus exhaled and held a hand to his eyes, rubbing his forehead and nose.
" That's so fucked up."
" I know. I woke up two weeks later. I had an 18 hour surgery, my leg was shredded and it took a lot of regenerating potions to get it to heal fast. Then i couldn't sleep and would wake up screaming with night terrors and my parents took me to a muggle psychiatrist."
James was practically sinking into Severus and he didn't stop him, instead wrapping an arm around him and holding him closer.
" I'm on a lot of medication. I need it to just get through the day. I was diagnosed with something called ptsd and depression, I don't know how i will go on in the future but right now things are tough. Incredibly tough."
James took in another breath and shrugged.
" I dont think ill ever be able to look at him the same. I'm tired of feeling like this."
" That's understandable. What you went through is horrible, you need a steady support system."
" I have one. My parents have been amazing, my mom dotes on me even more now. My father has become overprotective as hell but its actually kinda nice." He chuckled but Severus didn't feel like he should.
" And i have you two. I have Pomfrey and McGonagal. I'm doing better but it's still hard. I have never met anyone who's been diagnosed or felt the way i do." James' look hardened and Severus stayed quiet for many minutes.
He wished he could take the pain away. He wished he'd known but even if he did what could he have done? They didn't even get along until a few weeks ago.
Then there was his own feelings. His own fucked up mind that told him he and James were on the same level. They weren't. No matter how bad he was nothing compared to this.
" When i was 6.....my father beat my mother for the first time." He started tentatively and James froze in his hold.
" She was frail and had a broken nose so we took her to a hospital. I learnt how to make potions because medical bills were expensive and i could heal her faster with magic."
James was holding Severus' hand and his grip tightened.
" My mother passed away halfway through 3rd year. She was beaten to the brink of death so she took a nap and just never woke up. My father made it look like an accident with the local police. How, i dont know."
Severus appreciated how James listened carefully and didn't say a word.
" So when he didn't have my mother to beat around he did it to me. I endured it and because of it i had horrible nightmares and could barely go out in public. My father's sister came to visit once and noticed i was shaking every-time he came close."
" Did she save you?" James asked and Severus scoffed.
" No. She took me to a friend who was a doctor and she told me i might have an anxiety disorder. My aunt told my dad and he got mad at me for creating more expenses."
" So he beat you again."
" He did....."
There was a long pause, the atmosphere gloomy and filled with tension. Neither said a word but Severus finally broke it by saying something James will never forget.
"I can never know what you went through. I will never be in your shoes but i want you to know i will be here for you. In any way you need me, i will give you everything you want. We're all fucked up. We all have scars and a past we wish we could forget. And while you're processing, i'll be by your side ok?"
James was on the verge of tears and he nodded.
" Okay. Thank you. A lot. For everything."
" Of course. I would do anything for my friends." Severus said and he meant it.
When family is not enough you turn to your friends and if Severus can be that person to James then he will do what he can.
Because nobody should be allowed to go through that and be left alone.