Chapter 18
How do you stop mourning about someone you love and lost? Will you cease remembering when you order yourself to? Will the bittersweet memories stop living in you?
No. It's never like that.
You can't forget someone because the person's departure gave you pain. Because spending life together, no matter how brief, means exchanging parts of your souls to each other. You carry it with you no matter how long it takes.
Where is the consolation?
It's in life itself. Life never stops moving. It goes on whther you want it or not. And with that, time heals your heart.
The early period of losing someone is always the hardest. You keep blaming the world for not pausing, as if nothing happened.
However, as time goes, so will the healing begin.
After some time, the pain dulls, and finally, you will remember more of the sweeter memories than the pain of being left without someone's existence.
Such was how Kim mourned for her Sung Kyung. At first, she kept finding herself remembering the last days they spent. How Sung Kyung was so afraid for her safety, how she had promised again and again that she would keep her unharmed.
Guilt surfaced and asked, "Will she still be here if I listened to her and didn't attend the banquet?"
Min Ho grew worried and finally hired a new maid for her, named Eun Seung. From the same family as Sung Kyung, she also possessed excellent martial arts skills and the devotion to serve the lady.
But for the first few weeks, Go Eun kept on calling her "Sung Kyung" several times.
The new maid didn't mind. On the other hand, she admired her lady for the affection she held for her former maid.
Go Eun's tears dropped when Eun Seung helped her dressed and styled her hair. Remembering how Sung Kyung was the one who used to do it for her.
"I apologize. She was a sister for me, not a maid."
Eun Seung shook her head. "How lucky for her, to be held so dear by you."
Go Eun smiled.
"Help me from now on, will you?"
"Certainly, My Princess. With my life."
"ANDWAE!!!" she suddenly screamed, making the new maid quickly fell on her knees in dread.
"Don't -- don't you ever say about giving your life for me. I don't -- I can't hear it anymore."
"Never again, My Princess."
Go Eun sighed and helped Eun Seung to stand up.
"Good. Now let's head outside and take a walk with me."
***************
Min Ho left for the imperial palace after breakfast that day. When he arrived, he was notified that the emperor was waiting for him in the tower. It was five stories high and was the tallest building in the city.
From up there, Jung Jae liked to observe Hanyang, gathering his thoughts or just enjoyed being alone for a short time.
Jo Yeong was surprised and almost got angry when he was told to give up his sword at the door.
"The emperor has his own reason," the head guard said.
He got suspicious when he was asked to wait at the stairs of the fourth floor, and was not allowed to accompany his lord to the audience with the emperor.
"The emperor is alone up there too. Look, all of his guards are here."
It didn't feel right. It felt like something bad was going to happen, so Jo Yeong stubbornly argued to get inside the top floor's room and guarded Min Ho.
He was strictly opposed.
His mind that was trained to be suspicious of anything was alarmed, fearing his lord would be ambushed by his own brother.
"Let me go with Min Ho Dae Goon! It's fine if you hold my sword, just let me go with him!"
The Emperor's guard got angry this time and they almost fought.
"Jo Yeong! Are you out to humiliate me this morning?" Min Ho scolded sternly.
Jo Yeong bowed to apologize.
"Forgive me, My Lord. I'll patiently wait here until you're done."
Min Ho stepped upstairs and entered the top chamber.
****************
Min Ho predicted his brother wanted to talk about something urgent. Though about what, he had no idea. After the Park Clan was taken care of, there was no more threat to the government, or the royal family for that matter.
What could Jung Jae possibly want to say, that made them have to talk in this tower, entirely away from prying eyes and ears?
He opened the wooden doors to see his brother standing seriously, looking far into the horizon. He knew that pose very well. He got something troubling his mind.
What could it be?
Puzzled because he couldn't read him, Min Ho approached.
"Hyeong, I'm here. What is it?"
Jung Jae seemed startled, previously lost in his own thought.
"Oh, Min Ho-yah!"
Jung Jae waved his hand to the view beyond them.
"Look. Our capital city."
The city below was full of houses, people walking like miniatures below while the sky was grey, with meager rays of sunshine breaking through.
"What do you think of this view?"
"It's cloudy."
Jung Jae shook his head in amusement. So characteristic of his younger brother to see everything with such practical eyes.
"What's troubling you, Hyeong? Why meeting all the way up here?"
Always the poignant approach, no beating around the bush.
"You've always hated small talks."
"There's no need of small talks between us."
Jung Jae sighed heavily, before finally ordering himself to do what he intended.
"Min Ho-yah, there's always one thing I've wanted to say, ever since I was appointed as the crown prince. I feel I owe myself to ask you that. I will never find the answer if I don't ask you the question."
"Very well. Tell me what is it."
"You won't like it."
"How do you know?"
"I just do."
"Then don't ask me."
"I can't. I have to."
"Say it then. Stop with the word play, Hyeong. You're getting on my patience."
He was the emperor of the nation, and Min Ho was only a prince. But that day, he was honestly afraid of the reaction he would get from his younger brother.
But he had called the prince already, and there was no other way except saying what had been bothering at the back of his mind for the last decade.
"Min Ho-yah, I'm asking you honestly, and I'm hoping for an honest answer too."
"And that is?"
"Do you want to be the emperor?"
Had the whole world turned into hell that very second, Min Ho would not be as shocked to experience it.
"What?"
"Do you want the throne, Min Ho-yah? Because if you do, I'll give it to you."
Min Ho felt his bones froze into ice. Not because of the winter wind, his thick robe already prevented that. But because of the question he had never thought his brother would ever ask.
"Why on earth would you ask such a ridiculous question?"
"Because I need to know," Jung Jae answered simply, hands up to explain his own insecurity.
"Why so suddenly? Have you got mad?"
"No. I've been wanting to talk to you about this for years."
"So are you -- are you telling me you believed all those rotten oppositions? That I'm after your throne?"
Jung Jae knew Min Ho would be furious. It's happening then.
"You don't believe in my loyalty to you? IS THAT IT? AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU???"
Min Ho couldn't take it. Flames of anger began to eat him up inside.
"It's entirely not because of that."
"Then WHY???"
***************
Jo Yeong stood nervously downstairs, wondering what was happening up there. He somehow was sure that they were not having a normal dialogue.
And then he started to hear it.
His lord was screaming in complete anger at the reigning emperor.
****************
"Because, Min Ho-yah, you can be as good an emperor as I am."
"You're talking nonsense!"
"I'm telling the truth!"
"You shouldn't be speaking about this. You're the Emperor of Joseon, Hyeong. The Gods chose you! Father chose you! Why are you speaking as if your position is just a mere toy that you can toss to me?"
"Appa told me he wanted it to be you."
"WHAT??? STOP TELLING LIES!!!"
"I'm not. Nothing but the truth, Min Ho-yah. Father said you love this nation. You would do anything for this country. You are passionate and fiercely loyal."
"But he decided it to be you!"
"Because I am calmer. That's all."
"You're more than a calm man, Hyeong. You're raised to be the emperor! You're far better than me!"
"I'm not! That's what you don't know! That's what you need to know!"
"I don't need this. Stop this. I don't want to hear anymore!"
"Father didn't want you to know. But I want you to hear this."
"Father is wiser than us all! He made the right decision!"
"No, Min Ho-yah. Listen. Father was not only preparing me to be the emperor. He prepared us both."
Min Ho couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"We studied under the same teachers. Don't you remember? Our teachers said you were intelligent, strong-willed, hold your principles fiercely, make decisions without a doubt, and was more creative to find solutions."
"In every sense of character you deserve to be the emperor more than I do."
"But Father chose you! You can't deny that! I was there when he told us who was going to be the emperor. You are meant for it, Hyeong! It's supposed to be that way!"
"The only thing that made Father chose me was because I'm calmer and can control my emotions better than you."
"See?" Min Ho countered, exasperated, "You got your answer!"
"No, I didn't. Min Ho-yah, I often feel you can be a better emperor than me."
"You should never say something like that, Hyeong. Ever!"
"Look how you finish the Park Clan's case! Look at how many people believe in you! You get that out of your own effort! Not because of your position!"
"I did it to protect you. It's what I had to do."
"Min Ho-yah. You're a great leader."
"You are better than me."
"Where is my advantage against you? Look how long I decide to finish the case. Look how many people died because I wanted to wait for something more definite to happen! Look how many victims had to fall before I decide we'll finish Hae Soo off!"
"You wanted a fair case. And we had it!"
"You would have been a better emperor!"
"Hyeong, stop saying it. I think I can't stand you saying it!"
"YOU WOULD'VE BEEN A BETTER EMPEROR!!!"
"I WON'T! I grow up knowing and supporting it would be you!"
"If you want the throne, I'll give it to you."
Min Ho closed his eyes, trying to swallow the anger rising in his lungs.
"Hyeong. I think you're tired. You're not in your right mind after Hae Soo died and--"
"I'll abdicate if you want it."
"NEON JEONGMAL!!! IF YOU GO ON, I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!"
"You can be a better king than me."
Min Ho took the low desk and aimed to crush it on Jung Jae's head, wanting him to come to his senses.
"MY LORD, ANDWAE!!!"
Jo Yeong had burst into the room. He had kicked all the other unarmed guards, leapt upstairs, and forced his way in.
He had feared something bad would happen. Apparently, it was not that his lord was going to be trapped and murdered. It's the other way around. Min Ho was the one who lost his temper and was going to kill his brother.
Min Ho snapped back to his senses when he realized Jo Yeong was trying to take the low desk from him.
He threw the desk to the railings of the room, angrier than he had ever been in his life before.
"I believed in you!" he pointed to Jung Jae, "Father believed in you. The nation believed in you. Don't destroy my respect in you because you don't believe in yourself! YOU OWE ME THAT MUCH!!!"
Jo Yeong decided to sit on the wooden floor between the brothers, ready to stop whoever tried to hurt the other.
"Are you sure you don't want to?"
"Hyeong," Min Ho began, his tone filled with hatred this time, something he had never felt to his brother before, "I've wasted five years of my life gathering information to annihilate your enemy. I worked so hard to be like them I got confused I'm still myself or just another filthy creature."
"And now that I've managed to protect you, you want to give the throne to me? HOW UNGRATEFUL!!!"
"You did it for the nation. Not for me."
"You're wrong. Haven't you known me at all, Hyeong? I just didn't want you to die!!! That's all! That's why I did everything I could!"
"It's a no, then?"
"Hyeong. I've never wanted to be in your position. Not even when I had the backup of half of your ministers. I believe it's your destiny. Not mine."
Jung Jae stood silently for a while, believing Min Ho had meant every word he had said.
And yet, there was one more confession he wanted to say.
"Min Ho-yah......I am exhausted"
He was terrified. As terrified as he was when he saw his brother not hiding away when daggers flew at his direction at the banquet.
He understood then. Jung Jae became the emperor to replace their dead Father. All those threats he had to endure for the past five years had done its toll on him.
"Your enemy is no more, Hyeong. And this is your fate. You are not allowed to quit or give up."
"Replace me. I beg you. I have seen my son dying because of this."
"And I almost lost my wife," he reminded him.
"I have faith in you."
"And I in you, Hyeong. I reject your offer. Now and for the rest of my life."
Jung Jae knew when he had to accept and retreat.
"Ahrasseo."
"You will continue your duty until your breath leaves you. As you pledge on our father's dying bed."
Jung Jae bowed at his younger brother, a ninety degree, honor-binding bow.
"And you're going to permit me to leave this city and let me live the rest of my life in Busan."
"You're what?"
Jo Yeong stared at his lord, eyes widening.
"I've made up my mind. I refuse any arguments on this. Consider this my reward after the Park Clan's case is done."
"Are you leaving me?"
"I am tired with the politics and the hypocrisy that comes with it, Hyeong. I want a peaceful life."
"Those scholars and ministers who are praising me now will soon try to make me fight against you. I can feel it already. History will repeat itself. I don't want to live through that again."
"You're abandoning me," Jung Jae accused childishly. But he could. With Min Ho, he could. He had no obligation to look perfect.
"I'll visit when I can."
"You'll visit when you want, you mean," Jung Jae corrected him, turning around, viewing the city again, trying to imagine how it would be without his brother.
"I know you want to leave all of this. I guess I've always known."
"Then let me go."
The emperor said nothing for some anxious time. Jo Yeong thought it was like three centuries.
"I'm going to be so lonely. But I guess you deserve it."
Ropes that bind him came off. Ropes that bind him with his title, wealth, and duties.
He was finally free.
Jung Jae knew it was going to happen. Min Ho had been disgusted with Hanyang and its intricacies for a long time.
He was the one who must stay.
Min Ho had done his duties to the country and could find his dream. To live a normal, honest, conflict-free life.
The two brothers stood there, eyes facing the view of the sky and the city below. Overwhelmed by the conversation they just shared.
They just opened the core of their souls and let the other witness the true content.
Min Ho looked around, at the city he was born in, at the title he had carried, and all the heartaches and pain that had come with it.
And yet, he had achieved his reason to fight for. The safety of his brother and he had destroyed those who selfishly wanted to steal the throne.
Jung Jae sat facing the length and breadth of his country. The land that he had sworn to guide to prosperity.
And yet he was only a man, standing beside his brother who had decided to open a new page in life, far away from him.
He was glad he had confessed his insecurity to the only one who had the right to listen, since Min Ho was the reason after all.
He had admired the best parts of his brother.
But Min Ho said he believed in him. And would never change.
In a way, instead of losing himself, Jung Jae got all the scattered answers he needed.
He would miss Min Ho terribly. But how could he deny what his brother wanted? He who deserved the highest reward of them all!
"When?" Jung Jae asked the one word that was needed to be uttered.
"This spring."
Jung Jae inhaled, already grieving for the day he would part from someone so close to his heart. The brother he grew up with and respected only a little less than his father.
"So soon?"
"I don't see why I should delay it."
"Very well. May Busan give you peace and happiness."
Min Ho heard the blessing in his tone, and became the one who bowed low and prayed sincerely, "Long live The Emperor. May he always be blessed with the strength to guide this nation into prosperity and peace."
The Emperor and The Grand Prince of Joseon. Brothers by blood and by vows, stood together to admire the view of Hanyang from above.
****************
As his palanquin entered the gates of his palace, Min Ho saw his princess standing at the white yard with her maid and guards, waiting for him.
If he could paint, he would paint the scene.
Seeing her there, waiting for him to come home, was a new experience that filled him with so much warmth, regardless of the weather. For a while, he was only appreciating the fact, without moving anywhere. She was the one who walked to him.
"My Lord? How did it go?"
"My Lady, why are you standing in the cold? It's bad for your health."
"It's nothing," she brushed it off impatiently, "What did the emperor say?"
He knew she was very concerned, and rationally, it was right for her to think so. But at that moment, he wanted to hug her close though they were between all their guards and maids.
Touching publicly between husband and wife, especially between the royal family at that time, was considered indecent.
He had never seen his late father touching his mother's hand, though he knew they loved each other. He had also never seen him touched the late queen, Hyeong's mother.
Even Jung Jae Hyeong never touched Lady Jeon in public.
When you're the royal family, dignity was power.
All physical contacts with your woman must be done in the bedroom, no matter how insignificant.
With Lady Go Eun, however, Min Ho believed rules were walls he should crumble.
He placed a hand on her cheek.
"You're freezing, My Lady."
She was shocked with the gesture, and pulled back, blushing to be touched right there in their front yard, under so many pair of eyes.
"Let's talk inside," he suggested, walking in the wide garden with her behind him.
***************
"He is surprised, but he gave his permission."
"Are you sure about Busan, My Lord? You won't see much of your brother when we leave."
Since he first told her about his intention, she had been troubled about it, afraid it was not what he really needed. Hanyang was worshipping her husband then. The Grand Prince who was thought as a cruel, heartless villain who wanted to dethrone the reigning emperor was praised as the selfless hero of the nation.
Didn't he want to feel the fruit of his effort?
"We will still be brothers though we live apart," Min Ho answered decisively.
"Hanyang admires you, now."
"Really? Well, I'm disgusted with Hanyang. I've seen too much darkness here. It feels like a narrow, suffocating place to live in now, even after Hae Soo died."
"If that's what you wish, then."
"Will it really be alright for you, My Lady?"
"My Lord," she answered with a slight impatience, "You already know what I think. I've told you repeatedly."
"But your parents and brother are here. It will be you who would miss—"
"I'll follow wherever you go. Where else should I be if not with you?"
Her respond felt like a warm blanket against the cold. The corners of his lips lifted in an unguarded, honest smile, as he reached out for her hand.
"Thank you."
It is completely unnecessary, Go Eun thought. Why is he thanking me? I am his rightful wife. I do have to follow wherever he goes.
Nevertheless, her eyes were wet with tears. It happened often recently, as she witnessed how the cold façade her husband was wearing crumbling off to reveal the true person hiding behind it.
Just a simple, honest man who had always stayed true to what he believed and who he cared for.
"Why did he ask you to come to the palace, My Lord?"
His expression hardened to annoyance.
"Ah. That. He........said foolish things."
"The emperor?" Go Eun inquired in disbelief.
"Ne."
"May I know?"
He hesitated for a moment.
But if I don't share with you, then who else will it be?
"Hyeong. He.........offered to give the throne to me."
"WHAT?"
He put a finger on her lips, "Others must not hear, My Lady."
"Fo—forgive me. But—why did he do that?"
"Apparently, he has this nonsensical opinion that I would be a better emperor than him."
"He has?"
He nodded, "He believed I would have been braver, quicker in making decisions.........and maybe more creative. Isn't it foolish? Hyeong was born to be the emperor."
"Aniya. I think he's not being foolish. I can see that he could be right."
He dropped her hand.
"You could have been a great emperor" Go Eun said softly.
"Not you, too"
"Someone who is willing to sacrifice his well-being for the nation deserves to be an emperor."
He stared at her as if he had never seen her before.
And then she broke into an assuring smile.
"But of course, it would be useless if the person loathes the position. You've never wanted to be the emperor, right?"
"Exactly" he answered in relief.
"I know you don't.want it."
"And you, My Lady? Have you ever wished to be a queen?"
"Never. It would be better if you suddenly become a peasant, My Lord."
"You will be a peasant's wife in Busan, My Lady. Do not regret it."
"A peasant who owns a palace at the center of the city?"
"Well, I'll be taking care of my farm there.........."
"You mean reading the reports of harvest?"
He chuckled, before pulling her to him, hands easing around her waist, the comfort pose he had grown to love.
"My Lady.......honestly, Busan sounds so good now."
"You'll have it this spring," she assured, enveloping him with her arms.
The Grand Prince closed his eyes and appreciated the feeling to belong to someone who accepted him completely, all his black and white, dark secrets and untold dreams included.
*********************************
Author's Note:
I was surprised because some of you guessed the next points correctly. Jung Jae wanted to give the throne to Min Ho, but he wanted to be a peasant. You know me so well, lol.
Yup. I want to show that sometimes Jung Jae had insecurities too. In this story, he's more of a scholar than a politician or a soldier at heart. While Min Ho was actually more of a politician at heart.
But he wanted his peace after living for five years as someone else.
We got two chapters left.
Regarding myself, I was affected because of the death of Eril, the son of the Governor of West Java, Ridwan Kamil. Eril died at Aare River, Switzerland, because he was saving his sister from drowning. What's amazing was that after he passed away, we discover that Eril did so much good deeds and charities all his life.
His body was lost for two weeks, and was rediscovered in a perfect condition, as if he was just lost for a short time.
Another reason why his death affected Indonesia so much, is because Ridwan Kamil is a really good politician, that's famous for good governance and clean leadership. Why he and his good family had to experience such grief is unfathomable.
It's heartbreaking how Ridwan Kamil and his wife mourned their son, and he picked his son's body up from Switzerland.
Eril's funeral was attended by so many people in Bandung. It was similar to when Princess Diana of Wales passed away, truly.
Besides that, my gum and teeth are finally okay again. I'm so grateful for my dentist.
I will try my best to update again tomorrow.