That night, you can't sleep. It's about 4:30 in the morning and anxiety courses through your body. It's Sunday and you decide that you'll blow off hanging with the twins to be alone. You've been distancing yourself lately. You're depressed and you don't want to bog them down with your sadness. It's not like you can talk about it anyways.
You never expected the harsh words from Severus to throw you off so badly. It's not just what he said, but how it caused you to distance from him. It feels like you've lost a friend. You sit up and put your hair into a messy bun then throw on a pair of black joggers, a peach colored sports bra, and your white runners. Then you grab a black jacket from the coat hanger and pace out the door. You jog up the stairs and out past the corridor. The cold winter air condenses like thick smoke from your mouth with every exhale. You run along the outskirts of the campus, fueled by anger and sadness and the urge to run away from everyone. Your heart pounds in your chest as you run as fast as you can, trying to channel your energy into your feet. Cold air seeps deep into your lungs with every breath and it makes your eyes water, tears falling out of them.
You make it to the far forest path just behind Hogsmeade. The stream babbles through the snow and rocks below. You pant hard as you try to catch your breath. The sensation is somehow releasing. You can't think about Snape when your heart pounds in your ears.
The sun is just about to peak over the horizon. You continue to run aimlessly with the sole purpose of putting distance between you and Hogwarts. The further you get, the more relief you feel. Your body starts working efficiently now, like you've gone past the threshold of the running tiring you out. It feels freeing now. Then, it appears in front of you as you make it to the top of a hill. A frozen lake with the biggest tree you've ever seen oddly placed in the middle. The sight mesmerizes you, its presence powerful. Somehow, the scene relates to a deeper part of you, a lone tree in a frozen lake isolated on an island away from all the other trees.
You walk towards the edge of the lake. You take a step to test the ground. It feels solid beneath you. The tree calls to you, its aura the same color as yours. You take small steps onto the frozen lake beneath you. Some cracks in the ice startle you, but for the most part it is solid enough to walk on. You step cautiously and finally make it to the tree; It's branches bare and trunk frozen. You admire the sheer size of the tree. It feels ancient and wise. You touch the roughly textured trunk. It is probably the width of three times your arm span. Instantaneously, the tree's branches shift at your touch, startling you away as you look up. Then it freezes again. A slight ringing in your ears coaxes you back towards the tree. You lean forward again, this time stretching your arms to the sides of the tree and hugging it. You hear the branches shift again. It feels alive, like it wants to talk to you. Suddenly, you are overcome with emotion. You start to sob painstakingly loudly. The tree listens to your cries. It lets you release. The tree coaxes memories of your life to flash before your eyes in an instant. You feel everything, from the happiest of memories to your deepest traumas. It's almost as if the tree is learning about you; downloading all of your files.
You pull back, landing straight on your butt with a force. The sun is in the sky now and the tree is still again. You stumble to your feet and shuffle back across the lake, weirded out by the experience. Your mom always used to say strange things happen in nature and this is definitely one of those times.
You jog back to campus, it's now 6 am. You make it past Hagrid's hut and run alongside the tall walls of the East Towers. You turn the corner then BAM—
You're knocked onto the floor behind you as you run into something. Your bottom is taking a beating this morning. You look up, disheveled and stinging with pain only to find it wasn't a something but a someone. Not just anyone, it's your un-friendly neighborhood Potion's Professor. It's annoying how you keep bumping into him like this.
Snape looks down at you on the ground, mildly surprised himself. You look up at him. His height towers over you. Snape doesn't reach down to help you up, he just stares. Anger starts to creep up inside of you, but you get distracted by the searing pain in your hand. You look down to see your hand landed on a sharp rock, cutting the edge of your palm. Blood drips down your fingers as you stand, tucking your hand behind you away from his sight. You scoff and walk past him, seething with resentment.
"Wait." He says in his usual monotoned commanding voice.
You quickly turn to him. "What?" You snap.
"Are you hurt?" He asks, emotionlessly.
"What do you care?" You hiss.
"Excuse me?" He raises his voice as his brow furrows.
"You're excused." You say with annoyance in your voice.
"Watch your tone, [l/n]." He scolds.
You scoff. "Tone? You're unbelievable." You say before turning to walk away.
Snape rushes behind you and grabs your wrist. You look towards him and try to pull away. He looks down at the palm of your hand. It's a nasty cut and blood spills out down your fingers and onto the floor. You don't seem to care, you're too preoccupied in your anger. Snape pulls out his wand. You break away.
"I don't need you to heal me."
"Don't be ridiculous. Hold still." He grits his teeth, demanding you to stay put.
You reluctantly give in, still fuming as your eyes stab into him. He holds your hand and silently casts with a flick of his wand. The blood slows from your hand and comes to a stop. The edges of your wound magically come together leaving but a bit of dried blood on your hand. Severus lingers, his hand still under yours, his eyes scanning over the lines and ridges of your feminine fingertips.
You begin to pull away, but he grabs your hand gently yet firmly and it stops you in your tracks. You're confused as he looks up to meet your gaze. You stare at each other in silence for a moment. His eyes soften as he studies your face. He missed you. You feel yourself blush in response as your heart starts to pound in your chest, butterflies coursing through your body. That's when you shake away in frustration.
"What are you doing?" You ask, perplexed. "Do you enjoy messing with me? Is this fun for you?" You start to tremble with anger as you step back. Snape's eyes widen at your outburst.
"Like you said, I'm no different than any other student of yours, so besides my work in Potions, don't concern yourself with me." Your eyes fill up with tears as you finally run off towards the dorms.
Snape stands in place, processing the thoughts running through his mind. She's right. What am I doing? He thinks to himself. What was I thinking? He paces back to his office, his shoulders slumped in defeat. Perhaps, I was too harsh. He thinks as he puts his hand on the doorknob to his office. He shakes his head. No. It had to be done. This had gone on long enough. He convinces himself. But a familiar feeling creeps up inside of him as he walks in to his cold and dark office; loneliness. You had distracted him from his friendless isolation and now he can't help but wince at the hole in his heart returning once again.
You sob into your pillow, just a couple of doors down, your frustration eating at you. His mixed signals infuriate you. You glance at the door in between sobs, those white boots staring at you.
You want to burn those boots. They're a constant reminder of his lies. Pretending to care just to rip the rug from underneath you. But you can't bring yourself to even touch them, so they continue to stare at you. You cry yourself to sleep and you wake up a few hours later to a knock at the door. You groan and stand to open the door.
"Jesus, [y/n]. You look awful." Nadine says.
"Thanks, it's my best quality." You say sarcastically, rolling your eyes.
"Did something happen?" Linden asks as he plops on the floor.
"Just casual depression is all." You let out a soft chuckle.
"Well, we know what'll cheer you up." Linden says with mischievous eyes.
"Apparently there's a party going on tonight, 7th years only." Nadine whispers, winking at you.
"You do know that we're 6th years, right?" you nudge her shoulder.
"Well, it obviously doesn't apply to you! You're the cool American girl and that makes us cool by association." She grins.
You scoff. "I doubt anyone thinks of me as 'cool'." You finger quote around the word.
"Well, we're going regardless, even if we have to sneak in." Linden interjects, urging you to go.
You groan. "Fine, but you have to help me pick out what to wear." You give in. The twin's faces light up as they race for your closet and throw clothing everywhere. You laugh at their excitement.
You spend the afternoon in their company even though you'd rather be alone. You just want to pretend things are normal right now, like you're not feeling rejected every five minutes. You figure you'd just go to the party. You have nothing better to do and it looks like it'll make the twins happy. Plus, you've been running low on pills and you're hoping to score anything that'll cloud your mental state right now.
The sun sets and the three of you make your way up to the secret room in the lower west corridor after dinner. It's quiet, but you hear the slightest buzzing noise down the hall. Someone must have casted muffliato, a silencing spell on the room. God, you've gotta love magic. You shuffle to the room alongside the twins and enter. Upbeat music fills the air as you weave your way in and out of the crowd. You're amazed at the sheer size of the room. From the outside, you would guess it was a small supply closet.
The twins pull you alongside of them and you end up being introduced to some of Linden's friends that you've never met before. You didn't know he knew so many 7th years. Nadine sneaks off to try to find some booze. She comes back with a bottle of Firewhiskey and mini red solo cups. You take a shot with her and casually converse with some of Linden's friends. Then, your smile fades when the crowd parts your sightline for a second and you look up to see him across the room. His platinum blonde hair bouncing off the neon lights. Ryan Sullivan.
You quickly turn away, not wanting him to notice you, but it's too late. He's spotted you and is walking in your direction. You grab another shot of Firewhiskey from Nadine, opting for alcohol in lieu of pills to mask your anxiety.
"My girl's 'bout to get lit tonight!" Nadine laughs, as she takes another shot herself. "Oh, Stella! Hi!" She walks off to greet the girl.
"Surprised to see you here, [l/n]." He says with his usual smugness. "Decided to take me up on my offer after all?"
Linden stands a couple of feet from you, but his ears perk up as Ryan Sullivan's voice. "What offer?" He asks, walking to stand next to you.
"To be bad." Ryan replies, not breaking his eye contact with you.
Linden's eyes grow wide as he turns to you. You shift away. "Actually, I'm here with my friends, so if you'll excuse us..." You say, linking arms with Linden and leaving to go rejoin Nadine and the friend group.
"You okay?" Linden whispers.
"Yes, I'm fine. He's obsessed with me." You chuckle, jokingly playing it off as you flip your hair.
"I mean why wouldn't he? Look at you." He smiles.
"Ugh Linden, if you weren't gay, I'd marry you." You say wistfully.
He sighs. "Same. Men are trash." You laugh as you rejoin the friend group.
"We're about to sneak out for a smoke. You in?" One of the eclectic 7th years asks.
You chuckle. You could use the air. "Yes, please." You smile.
The eight of you quietly exit into the hall, rushing down the pitch-black corridor and down to the outside field. Two girls chuckle in excitement behind you. You reach the edge of the back woods, near where you saw the doe in the distance that icy day. You huddle in a seance-like circle surrounding a large stump where the two girls placed out a couple of joints. You pass them around and your first puff hits you instantly. You're starting to feel calmer now and even strike up a conversation with one of the friends across from you. The others go off, frolicking in the field, laughing and talking. You sit on the stump.
"I'm Javier." The friend says. "But my friends call me Javi." He smiles joining you on the stump. You introduce yourself back.
"You didn't talk much in there. It looked like you weren't having the best time." He says.
You sigh. "I guess loud parties aren't my speed."
He nods. "Yeah, I get that. I love your accent by the way."
"Thanks, but I totally prefer British accents. They feel smarter, in a way." You laugh.
He joins you in laughter, conversing about a whole array of topics. Life in America, career ambitions, and even stumble onto the topic of love and crushes.
"Do you fancy anyone?" He asks mischievously.
"I do..." You say hesitantly. "But it'll never work out."
"Why not?" He asks.
"We're just too different, I guess." You sigh. "And he doesn't feel the same way."
Javi scoffs like he's offended. "Puh-lease. I don't believe that for one second." He rolls his eyes.
"Have you seen yourself? God, it makes me angry." He shifts. "You're fucking gorgeous, [y/n]. You could have anyone at this school."
You shake your head in disbelief. "No way. I was always picked on for how I looked at my old school." You say.
"Ummm, was it a school for the blind?" He asks with a slight annoyance in this voice.
You chuckle. "Thanks...I mean, I didn't always look like how I do now, but yeah it was tough." You sigh.
"Well, whoever this person is, it's totally their loss." He says as he pushes back his hair.
"Thanks, I appreciate that." You smile. "What about you? You fancy anyone?" You give him a friendly nudge.
"See that cutie over there next to Linden?" He whispers. You look over at Linden talking to someone with dyed blue hair and a bright smile.
"They're my partner." He says as his eyes gloss over in admiration. Your heart melts at the sight.
"Wow, how long have you two been together?" You ask, slightly envious but full of joy for them.
"About two years now." He nods.
"Wow. I'm jealous." You chuckle.
"You know, things happen when you least want or expect it. I met Avery a couple of days after I had sworn off relationships for good. The universe likes to laugh at me from time to time." He grins. "I had several toxic relationships before. It sent me to a really dark place, but Avery showed me what actual love can be. It's not just lust or infatuation. It's like time freezes around you when you're with them. When you watch them without their knowledge and admire their heart and soul. Like they're a part of you." He says earnestly.
You sigh. "Yeah... I know exactly what you mean." You say, deflated as you look down at your shoes.
"Girl, I'll set you up with someone. What's your type?" he nudges you.
You laugh. "I'm good, thanks."
"No, seriously! No one guy is worth moping over, especially a beautiful girl like you." He says.
"You're too kind, but I don't think there's anyone at this school for me." You say.
"Besides... Mystery man?" He asks.
"Yeah. I know. It's depressing and pathetic." You sigh. "Possibly obsessive, too."
"Are you sure he doesn't feel the same way?" Javi asks, with compassion on his face.
"I mean, I was drunk one night and I told him I liked him. The most embarrassing part was that we almost kissed and I ruined it by running off to vomit in his trashcan." You bury your face in your hands.
Javi laughs as he lights another joint. "But if you almost kissed, how do you know he doesn't like you back?"
You take a drag. "He told me off later, basically saying that it could never happen between us. Fucking broke my heart if I'm being honest." Your voice shakes.
You chuckle. "Enough about me tho." You put on a smile through your sadness.
"It's not your fault, [y/n]. Sometimes, people have personal shit going on and they lash out due to their own insecurities and stuff. I doubt it's about you. You're wonderful." He says, seeing your disappointment.
"I really appreciate that, Javi. You're so nice."
"Javi is the best!" Nadine hops in between you. "What are you two talking about so seriously?" She chuckles, obviously high off her ass.
"Why Linden got the cooler first name." Javi teases.
Nadine scoffs and pushes Javi off the stump. He slumps on the ground, laughing at her and even though you still feel a pit of sadness in your heart, this moment makes you appreciate the friendships around you.
After an hour or so of talking some more, you realize it's getting late. "I think I'm gonna head back. Early class tomorrow." You say.
"Want me to walk you back?" Javi offers.
"Nah, you guys have fun. I'll be fine." You smile. You say bye to everyone and tell Linden's friends that it was nice to meet them.
You walk back towards the castle, yawning. You were up pretty early and you're coming off a high. You're ready to climb into bed.
You turn the corner about to walk down the corridor and down the stairs to the dorms. Then, out of nowhere, an eerie figure steps in front of you. You stop abruptly and look up. Your heart drops at the sight of him. His blonde hair bouncing off the moonlight, sunken eyes and a frightening expression plastered on his face, emerging from the darkness.