Eventually, Alvin did make it back to the table just in time for Bob to laugh hysterically at his own terrible joke about joining a cricket club, unaware it was a sport. The family eventually migrated to the living room where at Natasha's urging Bob hooked his phone up to the television to show them pictures of his trip to Paris. After recovering from a few wrongly-swiped images of grotesque foot ailments on a 4K screen, the Loys soon realized they'd been tricked into a photo-tour of Paris, Ontario, which for some reason consisted mainly of shots of the same buildings taken from the ground up.
"What's with the angle?" Alvin asked Bob impatiently.
"I tripped on some loose cobblestone and dropped like a corpse. I snapped these as evidence in case I had to sue the city for damages."
As picture after picture included sidewalk, Alvin gripped the arms of his chair. "Were you badly hurt?"
"No, turns out I was fine."
"Then why the hell did you take so long to get up?" Alvin was on his way out of the room again before Bob could answer.
After the slideshow, the family got halfway through watching a movie and decided to call it a night.
Upstairs in Natasha's room, once she was sure the door was locked, she high-fived Bob and laughed in maniacal triumph as quietly as she could.
"How'd I do?" Bob asked.
"You were great! They can't stand you!"
"You think?"
"I know it!"
"Did you see your father's face when I sat in his recliner?"
"I thought he was going to bite through his lip!"
"And what about your mom when she said her New Year's resolution was to do something different with her hair and start working out again?"
"And you told her she could join a senior's mall walk and be there right when salons open! Did you see DeeDee and I flinch? I was sure she wanted to clip you. She's dying of embarrassment already!"
"I take an improv class every now and then to keep myself on my toes."
"You're going to have to try harder with DeeDee, though. She likes you."
"What makes you say that? Did she say so?" Bob's ears started getting warm.
"I can tell. She has a soft spot for weirdos."
"She's nice. Seems very patient. Quiet, but not shy though. Kind of..."
He was going to say sweet, but he knew it was too simple a description from his impression of her.
"She's the sensible one," Natasha said, cutting into his thought with a word that also seemed inadequate, "and she's very protective of me. If she approves of you she could persuade my parents to and that's no good."
"So what do I have to do? Yell at you?"
"No, that's too easy. Can't give them any inarguable grounds for objection. Tomorrow morning we're going Christmas shopping. You and she go off so you can buy me something that proves you don't know me at all or don't care what I like. Thoughtless gifts really rub her the wrong way."
"Like a blender?"
"Sort of, but she loves cooking and she might think it's great even though I'd hate it."
"How about I buy you some overalls and say I think you need to cover up?"
"Closer. Some ugly clothes would be good. You should know I hate bright colours. Espcially red and blue."
"Got it."
"Wait though. Clothes shopping could take forever and we can't have her appreciating the effort."
"I should buy you a gift that's clearly for me. Like a fishing pole, or how about a video game console?"
"That's perfect. I've never played a video game in all my life."
"Not even at Chuck E Cheese's?"
"God no."
"Not even Super Mario Brothers?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"Man, that's sad."
"Whatever. A selfish present from you for me is the plan then. You can get changed for bed in the bathroom first if you want."
"Mind if I take a shower?"
"I thought you did already."
"Nah, I just wet my hair and hid up here for twenty minutes."
"You're very good at what you do, mister."
Bob thanked her, but he was a little conflicted over how being so good at making people loathe him made him feel. When he exited the bathroom, showered and changed into blue and red pj bottoms and a grey-blue Henley, he found Natasha had also changed into an oversized tee shirt and black leggings. She had pulled the sheets down from the room's one bed and was rearranging the pillows.
"See, I told you there would be a bed split with pillows," he said. "Just like the movies."
"You're funny," she said. "You're sleeping on the floor.
******
The next morning, a simple family breakfast ended early after Bob gave a detailed explanation of how honeypot ants force feed workers to serve as living food banks when nutrients are scarce. He frowned over the lost opportunity to finish his toast crusts as DeeDee distracted their father so Natasha could hurry him out of harm's way. They'd wanted an early start at the mall for the day's planned shopping anyway. At least, some of them did.
Bob tagged along behind them to a tea shop, a bath and body boutique, and a calendar store, DeeDee could hear his huffs of impatience. They were so exaggerated she was sure that was the point. When Natasha stared at a pair of boots she liked through the window for at least five minutes without ever going into the store, he groaned so loudly anyone would've wanted to ditch him. But it was crowded and hot, and he looked so tortured DeeDee could only laugh at him pityingly and say, "Poor Bob." If he wanted to marry her sister, he was going to need more stamina than that.
He looked mortified every time Natasha made him hold her purse, which happened in most stores. At one stop, DeeDee gave him hers to hold as well just to see his reaction when he realized her hands were free and she'd done it as a joke. His eyes smiled, but he said, very dryly, "I see. It's like that is it?"
"Yes, and if you tell my sister, I'll say you were mean to me."
"You win," was all he said, but he was definitely holding back.
Bob continued to let the girls do all of the talking as they clacked hangers around the racks at the next clothing store. He sighed with disinterest until they shushed him, but not as a reprimand. A customer was having an issue with the salesperson running the store, and Natasha wanted DeeDee to listen in.
"Do you have this top in a 12?" the middle-aged woman asked.
"I don't think so," the young salesman said inattentively before pouring on the charm to greet a few new customers.
"You don't think so or you know you don't?" the woman persisted hopefully.
"I'm pretty sure we don't," he answered, this time with a slightly bothered huff.
Natasha's ears perked right up, listening intently as she pretended to examine a garment in the direction of the conversation.
"Can you please check the computer or the back so you know for sure?"
"I'm the only one on the floor here so I can't really leave it."
"But the computer's right there," she said, pointing to the counter.
He excused himself to answer the questions of pair of young girls looking at jackets and then went to the back of the store to retrieve a long hook to bring one of the items down from its high hanging spot for their inspection.
Natasha and DeeDee's eyes met those of the jilted customer's reddened, insulted face so all could shake their heads for the shame of it. Encouraged, the woman took a few steps towards the salesperson and asked to speak to the manager.
"She's at lunch," came the fatigued reply.
"Fine. Just let her know I'll be calling in about an hour."
"Sure, Karen. I'll tell her to expect you," the young man said snarkily, at which point Natasha got Bob to hold her purse again.
"Uh-oh," Bob said, watching his fiancée cut in.
"Uh-oh is right," DeeDee said. "You might want to stand back. This is her favourite sport."
"What's your name?" Natasha asked the salesperson.
He rolled his eyes in response.
"I'm the only one working here so the manager will know who you're talking about," he sighed.
"Yeah," Natasha said, "but after I'm done talking to the manager, I'm going to talk to your manager's manager, and then I might call head office. I'm sure they'll want to know who they're sending to customer service training. If they bother that is."
"It's G. Just G," he said, his jaw twisting away from whatever ill-chosen words he was about to say next. He threw up his hands in dramatic defeat and shook his head. "Fine, I'll check for a 12."
"Don't bother," the woman who had wanted it said. As she left the store, she gave Natasha a thankful look for her support.
"Why don't you go look for it anyway," Natasha whispered cutely, just to watch G do it.
As he disappeared unhappily behind back room curtains, Bob hummed a judgemental little 'mm-mm-mm' with raised eyebrows.
"What?" Natasha said. "I'm sorry, but asking for the manager was a legit thing before the Karens of the world ruined it for the rest of us."
"Isn't that something a Karen would say?" Bob asked.
"Am I being unreasonable? We've worked in customer service all our lives. If someone's giving me shitty service you're damn right I'm going to say something. Here's an idea: if you don't like people, don't work with the public."
"Besides," DeeDee said, "the difference between you and most Karens is you're discreet."
"Who needs a scene when this look can say so much?" Natasha vogued with a threatening stare.
"Wouldn't it be funny if we left before he came back?" Bob asked.
"Hilarious," the sisters agreed. "Let's go."
*****
They slipped out of the shop and headed straight to the food court for a quick lunch. Bob got it into his head to help himself to a bunch of DeeDee's onion rings without asking. She said nothing, but he saw the stupefied look that travelled between his mouth and her sister. Gold star for me, he thought.
Once Natasha returned from bringing their trays to recycling, (which Bob had of course declined to do), he declared his need to do a little shopping for which his betrothed was not allowed to be present.
"Just like a guy to leave it to the last minute," Natasha swooned. "DeeDee, why don't you go with him? I want to take another look at those boots from before. Then I think I'll circle back to that store to see if the manager's in yet. We can meet back here in an hour-ish? Just make sure your phones are on."
"If Bob doesn't mind, I don't," DeeDee said.
Bob did not mind at all.
Out in the open again, he found a mall directory and searched it until he spotted a gaming store on the map.
"This way," he said. DeeDee flashed him an obliging smile. It was perhaps more than obliging, he thought. It was warm, friendly. Not that he expected anything less than politeness at this point, but she walked alongside him comfortably, without the slightest hint of awkward tension he'd been angling for. Natasha wouldn't like it, even if he was pleasantly surprised.
"So," DeeDee started, "have you two seen any venues yet? Natasha mentioned she like the Four Seasons for the wedding."
Hoping to antagonize her, Bob said bluntly, "She likes it, but I'm not sold. It's my day too, you know."
"Never said it wasn't."
"I know how you girls get. You like to distract us with insignificant tasks like choosing the colour of the groomsmen's cummerbunds. Well, I haven't got any groomsman, have I? And I happen to love all this details stuff."
"Good for you, Bob," she said in such a smart-ass tone, he had to try not to laugh.
"Can I tell you a secret I haven't told her yet?"
"Shoot."
"I've already put down a deposit."
"You have? Where?"
"Vegas," he boasted to a face nowhere near as confident in his choice.
"Not one of those Elvis chapels, I hope."
"Nah, a nice big resort."
"Like the Bellagio? The Cosmopolitan?"
"A new one called Neptune. Get this, it's a water park and casino!"
DeeDee stopped in her tracks. "A water park?" she asked, dismayed. "Have you discussed it with Nat at all?"
"It's going to be a surprise."
"Like swallowing gum," she said, looking like she had. "Bob, I don't want to bust your bubble, but booking a venue without telling her is risky, don't you think?"
"She likes a man to take charge."
"Let's say she does," DeeDee said with shrug. "For this? Couldn't you maybe just make it your honeymoon instead of the whole thing?"
"Ceremony and honeymoon all in one. Just the two of us. Instead of exchanging rings, we exchange inner tubes!" He was pushing it with that one, and the skeptical look on DeeDee's face told him he'd better dial it back a bit.
"That's a joke," he chuckled. We don't have to get married in the park. They have a beautiful chapel. Looks like a coral reef. Captain Nemo plays the organ."
"Oh, well, surely that's an upgrade. Does he officiate too?"
"I doubt he's a real captain," Bob said simply. "Don't worry, it's all very classy. As far as the honeymoon goes, why choose one destination when we can visit Paris, Venice and New York, New York all on the strip? Vegas is the shopping mall of vacations. She'll love it!"
They started walking again a little farther apart.
"Can I be honest?" DeeDee asked. "I'm not saying I wouldn't want to be married in Vegas. I actually think those quickie weddings are right up my alley."
"Me too," Bob said, dropping his guard for a minute.
"I know," DeeDee went on, "but Natasha's a glamour girl. She's sophisticated, like the Four Seasons. I also think she'd like all her friends to be there and – "
"There it is!" Bob cut her off. He hurried DeeDee to keep up with him as he made a b-line for the gaming store's entrance.
"Here what is?" DeeDee balked.
"I'm going to get her all set up with an awesome system so we can play video games on long, cold nights."
DeeDee's brows shot up. "It'll be a lot of long, cold nights for you if that's what you get her for Christmas. She's never played video games in her life."
"She'll love it!"
"Bob, as your someday sister-in-law I can tell you right now she won't."
"Why not?"
"That's not for her. It's for you."
"It's for us," he said as if he resented the accusation.
"Is that what you're going to yell while she's getting the baseball bat out of the closet?"
Bob turned a surprised snort into a gasp of offence.
"Relax," DeeDee said with a friendly shove. "The bat's for it, not you."
"Gee, if you feel that strongly about it..."
"What's your back-up?"
"I was going to get her some yoga pants too. You know, so she can get in shape."
Bob hoped this would get him a truly dirty look, but no luck. DeeDee seemed to take a deep breath to reset and give him the benefit of the doubt.
"She's never done yoga a day in her life either, but she does live in tights when she's at home. That's good, but we can do better." She scanned the stores around her, thinking. "Ah-ha!" she said, pointing out a large jewelry store. "There's better right now."
She tugged at the sleeve of his jacket, and he followed her into the shop, preparing to wing it in the horrible gift department, but what was ugly in a jewelry store?
DeeDee perused the first display cases carefully. "She never wears anything silver or white gold. She likes only warm colours. She's loves hoop earrings," she said, pointing some out. Bob scrunched his nose and shook his head no. "She loves bangley dangley bracelets, but whatever you do not charms."
"Nah," Bob said, without giving a reason why.
"How about an ankle bracelet? So feminine. We had matching ones, but they both broke."
He stalled at a display of necklaces, pretending to look at them, wondering why DeeDee was being so nice and which ankle she'd worn a bracelet on. Why was she he refusing to dislike him? Because she loved her sister was the obvious answer, and he hadn't done enough for that to mean she had to save Natasha from him.
'No inarguable objections,' Natasha had said. That meant yelling at DeeDee was out of the question. Flirting with her was out too, but it would sure be a lot easier than trying to outrun her patience. Then, like any typical male, Bob pondered what her reaction might be if he tried. Would she find some charming, clever way to verbally disarm him, or would she kick him in the sack and have her father bury him in the backyard?
He spun a rotating earring rack disinterestedly, reckoning he would just have to dig deeper into his actor's bag of tricks to be a terrible choice for other reasons. The worst part was he was almost sure if DeeDee knew what he was doing, she'd be impressed. He liked the idea of impressing her, but it would be a breach of contract he couldn't afford.
Bob's eye was suddenly caught by a counter full of gaudy brooches. As he moved in for a closer look, he saw a tacky lizard pin and knew he was in the right place. "I think she'd like one of these," he stated.
"I don't think she's a brooch kind of girl."
"She's a lady. Ladies wear brooches."
"Right. What would I know?" DeeDee said. Bob thought he sensed a touch of annoyance and went for broke.
"Excuse me?" he said, getting the attention of a salesperson. "What do you have that's really colourful? I'm thinking red or blue."
As the counterperson unlocked the case of black velvet trays displaying pins, DeeDee said delicately. "I don't want to come off as bossy, but will you at least let me tell you Natasha hates bright colours?"
"DeeDee," Bob said haughtily, "I appreciate you want to help, but if I'm going to be looking at the gift I gave my wife everyday, I'd at least like to know I picked it out."
"You think she's going to wear this every day??"
He stared at her.
"Fine," she said. "Can I at least say if I think you're hot or cold?"
He wanted to laugh so hard he got a cramp keeping up his show of stubbornness. "If you insist, but it won't affect my decision. Now then," he said, his attention back to the salesperson, "Do you have anything with ants?"
DeeDee puffed her cheeks out but said nothing.
"No, but we have some scarabs." The woman pulled out one of four velvet trays and also pointed out a spider and a ladybug.
"No, no. How about something in a brown garnet?"
"Brown?" DeeDee said horrified.
"It's warm," Bob said defensively. "Garnets are the sensible oxford of the gemstone world."
"So like Natasha," DeeDee hummed. Bob shot her a look and she zipped her lips.
The salesperson said there might be something in rings but not brooches. DeeDee pointed out an elegant Egyptian ankh.
"Too boring," Bob said, shooing the idea away. His finger hovered over a blue and white sailboat.
"Cold," DeeDee said.
He played with an owl of gold and pink tourmaline. "Warm-er-ish," said DeeDee.
Another tray was brought out, and with it, a shiny pin of a posturing matador about two and half inches long. He was gold but for his brightly enamaled red cape, black hat, and slightly crooked black eyes. It seemed ridiculous to Bob that anyone would want to complete an outfit with it. "That's the one!" he said emphatically.
"He's cross-eyed!" DeeDee cried.
"No, that's the one. Look at the pom-poms on his shoes." With the salesperson's permission, he handed it over to DeeDee to inspect. She turned it over with a face that looked sorry to have to.
"Shake my hand, Bob," she said.
"Ah-ha! So you agree?"
"No, but it's been real nice knowing you."
"Come on!"
"What about that brooch says anything about Natasha?"
"She's a hothead, for starters. She's fearless, and she takes on the bullies," Bob said a little too wisely.
As she reconsidered, DeeDee's shoulders slumped. She handed it back to Bob gently and said, "If you tell her that, I think she'll love it."
"Yeah?" Bob asked, confused.
"She might even actually wear it," DeeDee said with a smile so sweet and full of love for her sister he couldn't help but smile back.
In a last ditch effort to sabotage the moment Bob quickly blurted out, "If she knows what's good for her."
DeeDee only laughed.