***small smut and lots of self harm. only read if ur comfortable w/ it.***
if u need help, remember the suicide prevention line is always there for you <3
800-273-8255 is the line for it. (American Number)
Peters POV:
I open my dreary eyes, and i'm back in the place, where hell takes place. I was right. Dr. Brenner took me again. I pinch myself really hard, just in case this is a dream, but I stay awake in the white walls of Hawkins Lab. (Hawkins Prison)
Papa made me meet a girl, fall in love with her, and then take me away from her. Why wont he let me live a normal life? I was planning to ask her to marry me once we finally went to California.
I think about how, I didn't really like her at first, so that's why I left the first night, but when she came looking for me, I knew not everyone was like papa. She cared. She took me back to make me feel better. I love Y/N, so so much.
I pace around my room, which is basically a prison cell, and try to think of things that help me be happy. But everything I think about, it's her. Y/N is the only thing that makes me happy.
"Shit." I groan out loud, tugging at my hair. Tugging on it felt nice, so I keep tugging on it for a bit, just trying to think of things that make me happy.
Then, I think back to the things that made me happy even when I was in this lab.
Jerking off.
I remove my hands from my hair, sigh and smile. Yes, maybe jerking off will help me at least forget about loosing her for the foreseeable future. What if, I'm gone so long, she gets around boyfriend?
Fuck. I cant be thinking about that. So, instead I put the memories of fucking her into my head, and I feel my erection starting.
I lay down onto my rock hard bed, and take off the black belt I have on. Yes, when I woke up, I found myself in that white lab suit.
(this sexy suit so imagine it or else um ugly goofy ahh eddie will kiss you and kidnap you)
I unzip my fly, and I can see my erecrion hard through my boxers. I like them down, and slide it just past my knees, but not fully off. I glance up and lock the door with my mind.
I start to slowly stroke it, and whisper her name. I take my full hand, and start going up and down, it feels like something though, but not good. Like, i'm not being pleased. Like this is a job.
I whisper her name again.
"Y/N, oh fuck," I fake moan under my breath.
Still confused on why i'm so bored.
I then, stroke harder and harder, trying to feel the feeling I feel everytime I do this, but it just doesn't come to me. I get sadder and sadder. I can feel my hardness going away, and I keep trying to stroke super fast but it's just making it worse.
It's because of Y/N. I cant do this anymore because she's not here. I can only please myself if she's okay, and I'm with her, and I know i'll see her within a hour. Like she would walk through the locked door, somehow.
I become frustrated, and pull back up my pants.
"Fuck!" I scream out loud, without thinking. I pull up my pants, and once again grab my hair, and tug on it. It feels better then jerking off to absolutely nothing. Not the girl I love, nothing.
I rip out small pieces and brush my thumb over the blonde strands that lay in my hand. I then let them drop, and start scratching my arms with my sharp fingernails that haven't been cut in like a week.
The spot I scratch keeps getting redder and redder, and I do it until drips of blood start ozzing out from my arm. It feels nice, it reminds me of when I fucked Y/N when she was on her period like 2 months ago.
(I didn't write about the period fuck bc there was a time jump, anyways what would I write like 'as I thrusted into her blood gushed out of her wap' LMFAO?)
I walk over to the desk in the corner of the room, that has pencils, paper, tape, and crayons from when I was a child, and take the sharpened pencil.
I trace my fingertip over the pencils tip, then jab it into my finger.
"Ow," I slightly cry out, as I can feel my eyes start to get watery.
Why me? Why does this stuff have to happen to me? I didn't do anything to deserve this, did I? And now my own child, will have to be thrown into the life I have? The thought of it, makes me now stab the pencil into a spot into my other arm.
I really wish I have a knife, maybe even a pocket knife would work, to make me bleed even more. Maybe, i'm like this because I'm a bad person. Maybe if I wasn't born into this life, I would've ended up being a bad person. Maybe I live this life for the better. I don't know. I'm in tears.
I just want my girlfriend back. She makes all the problems about this shitty life go away.
What if she cheats on me, now that i'm gone though? I ask myself for the millionth time.
"Fuck!" Another slur yelled out, and another jab in the arm by the pencil.
I start banging the wall with my head, crying, not knowing what to do in this life anymore. Maybe it would be better if my daughter didn't know who I was. She would probably live a better life, knowing her dad would be dead, rather than alive, also going through pain by Brenner.
I stop banging my head on the cold tile on the wall, and look around. On the celing, there a hook for something, I don't know what. I also look at my sheets. I have a idea.
I run over to the sheets, and pick it up. I know how to tie a knot. I've done it many times when I am alone in this cell. I guess it just keeps me distracted. I take the sheets and tie one of those suicide ropes.
"Perfect," I mumble.
I tighten it, and look up at the hook, and I'm tall enough to get on my tippy toes and put the thing over. I pull over the chair, stand up on it, and secure the rope onto the hook.
I step down, and admire my creation.
But, something feels wrong.
I don't bother to drag the chair back over to the desk. I just pick up the pencil, and 2 peices of paper, and start writing on the first one. This letter is for Y/N. I hope she'll eventually get it, if Brenner doesn't rip it up. No. He'd send it to her, I think, while writing. He'd write it to her, so she's hurt that I killed myself in this place. But, would she even care? I don't know. Maybe she's already over me. Because the last memory I have of her, is just standing in front of me shocked, saying something, maybe yelling, but I couldn't make it out. I was being tazed.
I finish up writing my love letter to her, and then take the second paper. I write to my baby stephanie. About how much I love her, how much of a great person she will turn into.
Once I finish, I reread the letters, and then scurry into drawers to find the envelope and I fold them into it, and sign the envelope with their names. I also leave a little kiss on it. They both won't know though.
I place the letters down for a bit, and finally get up out of my stance and walk over to the chair. I slowly get up, and look at the bed sheet rope, and place my head through it.
Nothing happens, because I haven't let the chair go yet. I rethink this decision, and I come to the conclusion it's the best one. So, I let the chair drop.
I'm hanging there, with my neck through the rope. It doesn't take long before I start to feel my breathing being cut off, and everything turning purple. I try to gasp for air, but now my lungs are so closed off I can't get a breath.
As I start to drift off, I know these are my least breaths. I think about how much I love Y/N, and Steph. I cant say that I love them right now, because I can't speak. I'm also not regretting this decision one bit.
I'm about completely gone, and I start to hear the rattling of the doorknob, then the door being busted open.
My last thought once again, is how much I love my girls, and how now, I regret this. Please, whoever just walked in, save me.
GUYSSSS ITS MY BDAY TMMR!! I WONT UPDATE THIS WEEKEND THO BC TODAY IM HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIENDS ALL DAY UNTIL MIDNIGHT, and then tomorrow i'm seeing family and it's father's day, so not then either, but definitely on monday bc I have no school for the next 7.5 weeks;)
ok it's like 1am GOODNUT 🤭
(btw u guys are great readers but i'm getting too much hate in the begging chapters bc of how cringe they are, so i'm making next chapter from your POV 😹😹😹😹🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭)