"Isa... Isabel. Estelita Isabel, can you hear me?" Tears fell down my eyes when I heard her weakened voice.
I have been trying to stay strong.
I don't know what to do anymore.
What if we both die here without seeing our parents?
"Are you scared? Don't be, I'm here."
"I don't... I don't want to die here, Isa."
I shook my head and held her hand, our hands still tied behind our backs.
"Are you sleepy?"
She nodded.
"Sleep first," I whispered, trying to stop my sobs from escaping my mouth as I look at her bloodied face. "We'll escape... we'll escape."
Mabilis akong napabangon nang magising ako at napasandal na lang sa headboard ng kama. Hindi ko mapigilang mapatakip ng mukha nang sunod-sunod na lumabas 'yung luha mula sa mga mata ko hanggang sa hindi ko na mapigil mapahagulgol.
Ang sakit sa dibdib.
Ang sakit-sakit sa dibib.
Nakakainis naman.
Ang saya-saya ko naman kahapon... pero bakit laging binabawi?
Parang wala akong karapatang sumaya...
My body was slowly dropping down the bed as I kept on crying. Hindi ko alam kung pa'no itigil... ni hindi ko alam kung ano ba'ng dapat ko talagang gawin kasi hindi ko rin alam kung sa'n ba dapat ako maghanap.
I was starting to get even more scared...
"Who... who even are you," I whispered, clutching my chest as I slowly curl myself in bed trying to muffle the sobs escaping from my mouth. I could even barely reach for my medicines to calm me down so I didn't even attempt to take them anymore.
I was just... there. Crying in grief for someone I don't even remember.
My chest felt so heavy that all I could was hit my chest. I wanted to think of the better days... of the happiest moments that I've had the past few days.
Pero parang wala...
Para akong naghahanap ng wala.
I laid my head back and stared at the ceiling the moment my eyes felt dry. Small sobs still escape my mouth but I was feeling a little bit relieved after all the crying, but I felt so weak.
I sighed.
Napatingin ako sa alarm clock ko nang biglang mag-alarm kaya pinilit ko na lang bumangon but I was shaking so much that I accidentally dropped a glass from my bedside table. I winced in pain when I tried to pick up the shards pero na-out balance ako kaya 'yung isa tumusok sa kamay ko. I sit down on the bed and try to remove small shards of glass from the wound--my hand was bleeding uncontrollably from one large shard that pierced through.
I couldn't remove it on my own kaya tumawag na'ko ng tulong dahil sobra 'yung bleeding. Hindi ko na alam kung sino ba 'yung natawagan ko pero natataranta na rin ako dahil sa dugo. Hindi ko na rin inintindi 'yung sinabi nila... Nakatitig lang ako sa kamay ko habang sinusubukang isipin kung sa'n ba galing 'yung panaginip ko...
Pero hindi ko pa rin mahanap 'yung sagot.
Hanggang sa unti-unti na lang magdilim 'yung paningin ko.
**
"Your patient's stable, doc. She just needed stitches from the wound but she wasn't injured that much. I guess she passed out due to a panic attack."
"Thank you."
I slowly peeled my eyes and saw doc Pidlaoan in front of me along with Olly.
"Sorry po..." I uttered.
Doc sat beside me, "Were you not comfortable telling me how severe your nightmares are becoming?"
I sighed.
"I thought I could endure it po," I uttered, ashamed, kasi alam ko namang mali ko rin 'yun. I knew I was mistaken that I couldn't honestly tell how bad my panic attacks become when the nightmares get scary. I knew I was wrong there... Besides, I haven't been experiencing panic attacks even when I get the same nightmares.
Just this time again.
Akala ko kaya ko na.
"Luckily the glass wasn't that big to cause a major injury or hit a nerve, but they still had to stitch you up," Doc says. "We'll have to meet later, okay? We have to discuss your nightmares, Telly. They might be from a deeply rooted trauma that you've been wanting to forget."
Pilit akong ngumiti.
My phone vibrated from the bedside table kaya agad kong kinuha 'yun at sinagot ang tawag. Doc Pidlaoan excused himself from the ward at naiwan naman si Olly para magbantay.
I bit my lower lip and sighed.
"Hi ma... sorry for worrying you. I just dropped a glass."
Mom sighed, "Naku ka talagang bata ka... Ano, ayos na ba pakiramdam mo?"
I smiled and nodded, "Natawagan ko naman po pala si Olly," sagot ko. "Don't worry po, it was really an accident."
"Telly you have doctor Pidlaoan there, okay? If you need us pupuntahan ka naman namin diyan," dad uttered, worry was evident all over his face. Hindi ko maiwasang makonsensya kahit aksidente lang naman talaga 'yung nangyari. Sometimes, I couldn't really help but to blame myself.
I keep on worrying the people around me.
I didn't like that.
Tumagal pa nang ilang minuto 'yung tawag kasi ang daming paalala nila mama at papa na hindi naman na'ko nakipag-argue kasi naiintindihan ko rin naman sila, kahit hindi naman major 'yung injury kung ako rin naman siguro maka-receive ng tawag na nasugod sa ER 'yung isa kila mama, mag-pa-panic din ako.
"Olly," I called. Mabilis naman siyang lumapit sa'kin at ngumiti.
"Do you need anything? Gutom ka na ba?"
Bahagya akong natawa, "Thank you, ha. Sorry rin sa abala, I didn't realize you were on my speed dial."
Olly smiled, "No really, it wasn't a big deal. I was even thankful you called me," he uttered, opening a bottle of water bago iniabot sa'kin 'yun. "I was really worried when I saw you passing out and bleeding."
I sighed and thanked him bago uminom do'n sa bottle. Ngayon ko lang din na-realize na sobrang dry na ng lalamunan ko.
Truth be told, hindi naman pala talaga gano'n kalaki 'yung sugat ko sa kamay at hindi naman nakakaapekto talaga sa'kin kasi left handed naman ako, although pinaubos muna 'yung dextrose bago ako dinischarge. Nakokonsensya na ko kila mama kasi alam ko namang mahal din 'yung binabayad sa ospital... wala rin naman akong ma-i-contribute kasi wala akong trabaho.
Hay.
Sana matapos na lahat 'to.
Olly accompanied me back to my apartment pero hindi na siya pumasok kasi kailangan ko pang maligo. Binalot ko na lang ng plastic 'yung kamay na may tahi kaya nakapag-shower pa rin naman ako although saglit lang.
"You sure you want to go to school?"
I chuckled, "Malayo naman sa bituka 'to," natatawa kong sabi. "The pain's bearable, Olly. Don't worry about me."
Olly sighed, "Then let me carry this, okay?"
"Fine," I uttered and gave him my bag. Hindi na rin naman ako makatanggi kasi alam kong hindi rin titigil si Olly. Tapos naalala ko na naman 'yung realizations ko kahapon no'ng papunta kami sa Tagaytay. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung ano'ng dapat kong maramdaman. Tsaka tama rin naman si Toby... hindi ko naman talaga dapat iwasan si Olly.
Crush lang naman, e.
Wala namang harmful do'n.
"Hay, we were just laughing at Tagaytay yesterday," Olly uttered looking at me before focusing back at the road.
Tipid akong ngumiti, "I still had fun. That doesn't erase that fact," I said. "And I'm really grateful for that."
Pagdating namin sa school, mabilis na lumapit sa'kin sila Corrine nang mapansin nilang naka-bandage 'yung kamay ko. In-explain ko na lang din sa kanila 'yung nangyari since hiding my condition from Dr. Pidlaoan led to this accident.
Except the nightmares.
I don't know if I could tell them about it.
Corrine sighed, "Be careful next time, okay? If you feel like you're coming down with an attack... just call us. Okay? We'll always have the space to listen to you."
I smiled.
We were all pretty much having a blast after our morning classes habang naglalakad kami papunta sa parking para kumain sa labas ng university, pero nagulat kami nang biglang may lumapit sa'kin na babae, probably in her mid-50s kaya napatigil ako at ngumiti kahit naiilang.
"Estelita Figueroa?"
"Po?"
The smile on her face faded in an instant, "It's you?"
I bobbed my head slightly. Pero bago pa'ko makapagsalita ay lumatay na sa pisngi ko ang kamay niya—leaving everyone shocked. Napahawak na lang ako sa pisngi ko at naramdaman na dumudugo na rin... siguro dahil sa singsing niya. Corrine and Bianca pulled me away from her pero halata namang lahat kami natatakot...
"Telly!" Olly exclaimed as he runs towards me. I shook my head to let him know that he shouldn't come forward.
I was confused... but I don't want other people involved.
Ayaw ko ng gulo.
Ayaw ko na ng gulo.
"You still have the fucking audacity to smile after killing my daughter, Isabel?" she says, leaving me dumbfounded. "I heard you're suffering from depression? You probably deserved it."
She was crying... I was crying. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng dapat kong malaman.
Why do I have to deserve my condition?
Do some people really think I deserve to suffer?
My body started to shake; my legs felt Jell-O as her words started to sound gibberish in my ear.
W-what...
"Isa... are you there? I'm so scared..." I wanted to move and walk toward the voice only to realize that my hands and feet were tied. I couldn't even see anything with this blindfold... I was starting to get scared, but I needed not to be. I had someone to protect... I shouldn't be scared.
"I'm here..." I whispered, trying to muffle the sobs coming from my lips. "Don't be scared, I'm here."
"Sigurado ba kayong tig-isang million 'tong dalawang 'to?" The voices sent shivers to my spine but I had to remain stoic, or they might hurt us again.
I just... I just wanted my stuffed toy back.
I didn't want to die this way.
"E 'di patayin na lang natin pag hindi." I was disgusted with how they all laughed at that kind of remark.
Are they even humans?
Why don't they feel remorse?
Lord... we're just 8... we have so many dreams in mind.
I was shaking in fear when I hear Reen scream in pain as I was hearing someone's breathing near me. Nagulat ako nang bigla niyang tanggalin 'yung blindfold. Tears fell down the moment I saw Reen writhing in pain--her face covered in blood.
"Ako na lang!" I screamed, sobs escaping from my mouth as I plead for them to stop hurting Reen. "A-ako... ako na lang saktan niyo, please." The bad guys started to laugh as they pulled Reen like some sack at itinabi sa'kin bago kami kinuhaan ng picture.
"Isa... Isabel. Estelita Isabel, can you hear me?" Tears fell down my eyes when I heard her weakened voice.
I have been trying to stay strong.
I don't know what to do anymore.
What if we both die here without seeing our parents?
"Are you scared? Don't be, I'm here."
"I don't... I don't want to die here, Isa."
I shook my head and held her hand, our hands still tied behind our backs.
"Are you sleepy?"
She nodded.
"Sleep first," I whispered, trying to stop my sobs from escaping my mouth as I look at her bloodied face. "We'll escape... we'll escape."
Reen was younger than me, and I knew I should bear the responsibility of luring her here...
It was my fault.
I knew I was at fault.
"I'm sorry, Reen," I whispered.
I didn't know how many hours have passed. Reen seemed a little weaker, but I knew our parents would do anything to save us...
I have faith they would.
"Gago!" one of the guys screamed which woke me up. My face lightened up when I heard police sirens around the area. I started to burst into tears when I realized.
"Reen... Reen wake up," I nudged Reen and she looked at me with her tired eyes. I tried to smile, even with tears in my eyes. "We're safe now... the good guys are here now."
Reen smiled.
One of the policemen came running when they finally saw us--untying both our hands and feet. I was so close to passing out but I needed to see Reen getting saved first.
Yet when we were so close to reaching the walls outside of this place... a gunshot fired.
And the place was filled with more gunshots inside and loud wailings from people outside the building as the police ran after the one who pulled the trigger, and I was left there looking at Reen's lifeless body bathing in her own blood.
"Reen..." I whispered before I felt myself being pulled away from the scene and seeing her body for the last time.
When I fell down, memories came rushing to me one by one—everything—even from that night that I buried just to save myself from self-destruction.
"You don't remember your best friend?" she scoffed, tears flowing from her eyes.
I wanted to speak... but I couldn't find my voice.
I didn't, back then.
I do now.
I killed my best friend.
And that's the guilt I've been carrying on for years.
"M-mom!" Halos matumba ako nang biglang lumapit sa amin si Rene at hinila palayo 'yung babae.
Mom?
Rene came back rushing and tried to help me stand but I was quick to brush her hands away from me. I didn't even know what has gotten into me... ang gusto ko lang ay makalayo na rito.
"Telly I'm sorry." Rene's words seemed gibberish but I could still understand what she was saying pero hindi na maproseso ng utak ko 'yung nangyayari. Hindi ko mapigilan 'yung panginginig ng katawan ko pero pinilit ko na lang maglakad palayo sa kanila. I could hear my friend's voices but I chose to ignore it all. Tears were still falling from my eyes, but I didn't even care that I couldn't see much.
Just for now... I'll walk away from everything.