Warnings: None
Hi, so I wrote this based off of my current reality where I am questioning my pronouns. I don't exactly have anyone in my life who I can talk to about stuff like this, so writing about it has kind of helped me think things through a bit.
I'm writing this so that maybe I can help others who are questioning the same thing feel no so alone.
I love you all!
I watched the steam swirl around me as the hot water from the shower sent a few prickles throughout my skin. I sighed, enjoying the hot sensation as I turned around to face the water shooting out of the showerhead.
It had been a long day, and a hot shower was exactly what I needed to get my mind off things. I had done my usual shift at work which had lasted around seven or eight hours. That wasn't what I was tired from. In reality, I was tired from my mind. It was just one of those days where I was stuck in my head and thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.
I washed the remaining conditioner out of my hair and took one more moment to let the almost scalding water run down my body, savoring the last bits of heat before I switched off the shower.
The moment I stepped out of the shower, there was a knock at the door.
"Детка, are you almost done in there?" I heard Yelena ask, her voice muffled by the wood door.
"Yeah, I'll be done in a few minutes." I replied tiredly, snagging the towel off the bathroom counter and beginning to dry off my hair.
"You alright?" Yelena asked, this time a bit more concerned sounding.
I just hummed in response, moving to dry off my body. Steam from the shower was swirling around the bathroom, slowly dissipating and dancing around the different fixtures, finding purchase somewhere to land on and seep into.
Catching a slight glimpse of myself in the foggy mirror, I turned to look at myself, feeling unsure of what was staring back in the reflection.
I was having a bit of a crisis in my mind. Something had been bothering me for a while and I tried to never let myself be alone long enough to think about it. But right now, it was all I could think about.
I still remember how confused I felt when I was in high school and trying to figure out my sexuality and if I really was gay. That was a whole process that took a while, but I eventually figured it out and had come to terms with it. But this...this was another level of confusion for me.
In the bluntness of terms, I was having a gender crisis, questioning my pronouns. I was born female, always went by she/her, but now I was questioning. I was still fine with them, but they didn't feel totally right. They didn't feel like they fit me correctly. I know this sounds confusing, because it is.
I didn't feel comfortable in my own body right now, if that helps explain what the hell was going on.
I didn't like thinking about it because I was afraid that I was going to come to a conclusion that would disappoint everyone in my life. My parents had already had a bit of a negative reaction of my coming out as gay, I didn't want to have a repeat of that whenever I figured out my gender crisis. Plus, I didn't know how Yelena would react to it. I knew she loved me, and I loved her, but I didn't want her to hate me or leave me over this. I had no idea what her stance was on something like this, and I wasn't in the mood to find out the hard way.
I looked away from the mirror and shook my head, trying to get the thoughts of my current predicament out of my mind. Pulling on a pair of pajamas, which was really just a baggy t-shirt and a pair of shorts, I mentally readied myself to leave the solitude of the bathroom.
After hanging up the towel I had used and throwing my dirty clothes in the hamper, I emerged from the bathroom.
Yelena, already dressed for the night, looked up from where she was on the bed and smiled softly, which I tried to return. She patted the side of the bed next to her, which I promptly took, snuggling up against her side.
"You sure you're doing alright, детка?" Yelena asked, wrapping her arms around me.
I just hummed in response, nuzzling my face in the crook of her neck. My mind instantly went back to my pronoun problems, wondering how she would actually respond if I told her. I knew she loved me, and I loved her, but I was just afraid she would see me as some kind of freak. I know that's how my family would respond if they ever knew. I don't think I could move on if Yelena thought of me like that. I don't know how I would respond, honestly. Coming out to the team and the Avengers had been hard enough, but this was a whole new level of nervousness. Plus, I wasn't even sure of myself yet.
Maybe I was jumping the gun on this, making assumptions about myself that I didn't even know were true. I knew how I felt, that I wanted to go by different pronouns because I knew they would help make me feel more comfortable in my own body. That's all I wanted really, well that and people's acceptance with this part of me.
In reality, I needed to learn how to accept myself. I remember when I figured out I was gay, it took me a while to finally accept myself and realize that it wasn't bad for me to be this way. It was a long process, and I knew it was going to take me a while to learn how to accept myself all over again.
Yelena began to softly knock on my forehead, making me realize that I was getting stuck in my thoughts again.
"Anyone home?" Yelena asked jokingly with a giggle.
I just huffed a laugh, burrowing deeper into Yelena's side, holding her tighter.
Fanny suddenly burst into the bedroom, bounding through the door and up onto the bed. She flopped down as dramatically as possible on top of Yelena and mine's laps. We just laughed at the dog's antics and unwrapped ourselves from the other, beginning to give the fluff ball the affection she so obviously deserved.
"Oh Fanny, who's a good girl?" Yelena cooed in a high pitched, baby voice while scratching the dog's head, planting several kisses.
I just watched the two of them happily, a small sense of peace washing over, but vanished the moment I noticed it.
Would this happy little family that I have before me disappear the moment Yelena knew what and who I really was.
I felt the smile on my face fade as this realization hit. Yelena must have noticed this because she just turned to examine my face better.
"Ok, what's really going on? Don't try to make any more excuses because I can tell something's bothering you." Yelena asked suddenly, leaning up against the headboard of the bed, still occasionally scratching parts of Fanny's back.
I just stared at her, surprised. What the hell was I supposed to say in response to that? I couldn't tell her. Well, I technically could, I was just afraid.
Letting out a breath, I looked away from the blonde, trying to gather my words and try to come up with a competent lie that she would believe.
"Hey-" she whispered to me, grabbing hold of my hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "It's ok, no matter what it is. You can tell me."
"I know I can...I just don't know how to." I whispered, locking my eyes on the wall across from us.
"Just say it as simply as you can. I won't judge or be mad or anything. I love you, and I wanna be here for you." I could hear the genuine tone her voice was carrying. It was one that I heard every so often, and was vastly different from her usual teasing and joking tone that she took with everyone. It's how I could tell she was serious about her wanting to help me with this, even if she had no clue what the problem was.
What if I just said it like she urged me to? I could and it would help keep me from rambling and beating around the bush. It would cut right to the point, getting the situation right out in the open.
But that's not what I was afraid of. I was afraid of her reaction. All I could think about were my parent's reactions when I came out to them as gay. I knew it was something I would never forget.
I knew that if I never told her though, it would slowly kill me inside. I had to tell her at some point. Now was as good of a time as any, I guess.
"What would you say if...I–" the words felt like they were stuck in my throat. I couldn't do this. I didn't want to risk this.
Yelena just sat there patiently, waiting and watching me with love and support. It was a bit weird, a bit unusual to have someone like her in my life who could give me so much support and endless love. I was definitely grateful, I was just still learning how to get used to it.
"I'm thinking of changing my pronouns." I whispered to her, closing my eyes out of fear of how Yelena would react.
"Okay." she replied simply, like she had just agreed to get pizza. "What are your new pronouns?"
My eyes shot open at how easily she was taking this.
"'Okay?' That's it?" I gasped slightly.
She was taking this way better than I thought she would.
"Yeah? Were you expecting me to react differently?" she asked bluntly, tilting her head slightly in question.
"I mean...honestly I thought you'd hate me for it." I admitted sheepishly, shifting my gaze to my hands in my lap as I began to fidget with the hem of my shirt.
"Y/n, I could never hate you. I love you no matter what, and I want you to be happy. So, if changing your pronouns so you're comfortable makes you happy, then I'm going to support you in that." Yelena sweetly told me, taking my hands in hers so I would stop fidgeting with them and genuinely listen to what she was telling me.
A smile crept on my face as happy tears began to mist over my eyes. It was rare that people I cared about gave this kind of loving support, and it honestly meant the world to me. She meant the world to me.
"So, what are your new pronouns?" she asked, beginning to stroke the backs of my hands with her thumbs.
"I still wanna go by she/her, but I was thinking of also using they/them." I met her eyes as I spoke, taking in the breathless and beautiful sight that they were.
"Cool!" she cheered, bringing me in for a happy kiss on the lips, causing me to smile at her.
She then returned her attention back to the fluff ball that was Fanny, who was now sprawled out across Yelena's lap.
I just stared at her lovingly, grateful for her acceptance, but also grateful that she didn't blow it out of proportion and make it a big deal. She just accepted it, and moved on.
Fanny jumped up suddenly, apparently in need of attention from me, and began licking my face. I just laughed at the dog's antics, the previous sensation of peace settling over me once again.
"Ya see that Fanny, they love you just as much as I do." Yelena declared to the dog, however this time using my new pronouns, which honestly made my heart flip out of pure love and excitement.
I locked eyes with her once again, seeing just pure support and acceptance written all over her face.
I tackled her in a tight hug, stuffing my face in her neck and wrapping my arms around her.
"Thank you for supporting me." I whispered to her.
"I will always support you. I'm so proud of you and I love you so much."