After that mission, things seemed to fly by. Between missions, training, and her independent studies from the temple, she hardly had time to eat, much less keep up with what was happening around her. On more than one occasion, she had literally ran into a clone in the halls as she was racing between her quarters to the training hall.
Master Krell had been harder than ever on her, constantly throwing random Form III block or a Form IV kick to her training schedule, and effectively keeping her on her toes. She no longer questioned his strange desire to help her learn bits and pieces of every form, she had learned her lesson there.
But sometimes she just wished for a simple break. Just a moment in between classes or training or missions where she could just relax, and talk to someone. After Captain CT-5820 died, she had decided that Master Krell was perhaps right.
It would be better for her if she just stayed away. She couldn't afford distractions. Not in a war. Not when The Republic was counting on her.
And she couldn't afford anymore breakdowns. Once the hysteria and sleep had passed from her that awful night, she had been beyond embarrassed to find that she had shown weakness in front of the clones she was commanding. If Master Krell had found out she would be up to her neck in harsh words, paperwork, and bruises from incompletable training sessions. It didn't help that the clones also seemed to remember it quite clearly as well.
Luckily most of them seemed to not particularly care. Whenever they glanced at her, it was still with that impassive look that all clones seemed to have. It had been months, and Ahsoka was beginning to think that they had forgotten. It was only one that always looked at her differently.
The one that had carried her.
Every time she caught his eye or he had seen her, she could feel a wild swirl of emotions rising in both of them. Though his tended to be more of concern and contemplation, hers were more of annoyance and discomfort.
This would lead to her glaring at him, then him grinning the most stupid grin she had ever seen once he realized he had been caught. There wasn't much else she could do without revealing to someone what had happened.
(And while she would never admit it... his smiles did tend to make the war more bearable)
So instead she focused on other things, like surviving this war. Which was proving to be particularly difficult at the moment.
"Take cover!" She screamed as a bomb dropped at the base of her feet.
With strength that was quickly seeping out of her body, she used the force, launching the grenade back towards the droids while launching herself back toward the clones' barricade, where she hoped most of her forces were.
It would be quite difficult to win this battle if half her troops got caught in a blast.
As she rolled into the trench that was assembled in mere hours, she sheathed her sabers and stopped.
Her lungs expanded till they couldn't possibly take any more air. The explosions and shouts drifted away for a moment. But a moment was all she needed. Then she slowly let it out, counting the seconds the air took to leave her body, and counting the last moments of peace before the rush of battle intruded her senses once again.
"Commander!" She heard a shout.
She looked over and saw the new captain rushing over to her. Was he their 3rd? Or was he the 4th? She couldn't remember at this point.
"What is it Captain?" She didn't even have the energy to list out his number. Thankfully, he didn't seem to take any offense.
"Scouts spotted an opening just west of us. If we go now we can make it through and attack them from behind."
"Good plan." She said.
The two sprinted along the trench, grabbing 4 clones along the way and informing the first officer that he was in charge of the attack while the Commander and Captain were gone.
It gave her slight happiness to find that one of the clones they had grabbed had been the one who smiled at her. He was still alive.
After that, the rest of the mission seemed to fly by.
They circled around, cutting the droids off from their support and started decimating their forces. It didn't take long them for them to recover their forces and take control of the rest of the Separatist base.
Not long after, Master Krell arrived, hopping off his gunship like the general he was. Ahsoka briefly noted his look of disgust at the dead clones around him, but she quickly tucked that thought away. Soon, these clones would be gone and new ones would replace them. It'd be like nothing ever changed.
"Master Krell." She said, approaching him with her back straight, respectful bow, and eyes downward. "We've taken control of the base. Captain CT-1749 is inside now taking care of any remaining forces."
Master Krell merely glanced at her, something she had discovered was an indication that he had heard her, and moved on, entering the base.
As Krell walked away, her pinched shoulders sagged and dropped, hanging limply at her sides. She tried to stifle the ever present feeling of nausea and started focusing on trying to stop her head from spinning. They never covered this part of war in her lessons.
Seeing how Krell had left, she assumed the role of organizing the clones and making sure they all were attended to.
To her relief, most of them seemed to be working, making her job that much easier. Gunships were flying down, taking the wounded in them and delivering supplies and tech necessary for taking control of the base.
Every officer was taking care of his men, whether it be ordering them to start working on one project or another, or letting them rest. Ahsoka assumed all was well.
Seeing how she had no current responsibilities, she found the nearest rock and settled down. She wasn't going to fall asleep, of course, but a few minutes of resting her eyes wouldn't hurt anyone, could it?
_____
A loud explosion rocked the planet, jolting Ahsoka up and to her feet in an instant, her lightsabers at the ready. Her eyes quickly scanned the field and fell upon the Seppie base, which had erupted in flames.
Ah hell.
Clones shouted around her as she raced towards the flames.
The furnace was much too large. They couldn't get anyone inside if they wanted to.
"You." She pointed to the nearest clone. "Where's the General."
"Him along with the Captain and a few clones were still inside, sir." He informed, saluting before racing off to help with the futile effort of calming the flames.
There was no time.
There was no time.
Ahsoka searched for the nearest entrance. A place where she could enter with minimal damage, and then also (hopefully) escape through. She needed to get to her Master. He was in there somewhere. He needed her help.
Suddenly an opening to her left. The flames died down, if only for a second. She raced towards it, but right as she reached the threshold, a large body came barreling out.
Master Krell ran straight into her, tossing her body to the side as he fell down in a heap of coughs.
"Master!" She cried, racing over to him, and stopping right before him.
Her hand reached out to help, but she had no idea how. Rubbing circles on his back didn't seem like a wise solution, so she settled on yelling for a medic.
"Master are you okay?" She asked, leaning down so she could get a better look at his face.
As soon as she came near though, his meaty hands threw her back onto the dust as he continued coughing.
Stupid.
She should have known that he needed his space.
"I called for some medics." She said instead, keeping a good distance from him this time.
"No." He ordered, and his body suddenly stiffened, as if he was forcing himself to be okay. "No, tell those lab experiments that I'm fine. Call me a gunship instead. I can get back to the ship on my own."
"Master are you sure you-"
"Do It!" He yelled, before erupting again in a fit of coughs.
Ahsoka hesitated for only a second before she recalled her orders and sent out new ones through her comm.
"Don't worry, Master." She said, as soon as she got confirmation. "The gunships on it's way."
In no time at all, the gunship had picked up Krell, who had forced his back straight and face impassive as he stepped on, but Ahsoka caught the slight hitch in his step.
He was injured. Yet he still managed to look and seem completely fine. She was sure that if she hadn't been here when he had exited, she would've believed that he was completely and totally fine.
That was one thing she admired about her Master. He was so strong. He always knew how to take care of himself and appear to be the General he was. It was a trait she desperately needed to improve.
As she stood there, the heat from the flames still licking her back, she couldn't help but stare back into the flames.
Where were they?
Their 4th now?
Kamino apparently needed to train their clones better.
Ahsoka was certain their new captain would be there within the mission. Kamino was always impeccable with timing, yet she couldn't help but stare into the fire.
What was his number?
She couldn't even remember now.
She sighed. There'd be a new one tomorrow.
Yet something in her still coiled at the bare thought of it.
______
"Master?" Ahsoka gingerly stepped into the room, feeling like a sore thumb against the white walls of the infirmary. "You called for me?"
Much like every other time she met with Krell about a mistake, the room was cold. Not in the way a room was normally cold. She could handle that. But this was a chill that ran up the spine. A wind that blew through her bones.
"Padawan." Krell greeted, through it sounded more like an insult than a title.
He stayed silent, something Ahsoka was not used to. Normally, by now, he would be on the rant of how she was not good enough, or how she was falling behind her age group. This new silence was unsettling.
"How are you recovering?" She asked, in an appempt to try and get the conversation over with.
His eyes flared.
"I have been ordered on bed rest for the next 3 weeks." He said, the harshness in his words taking away any happiness that might've been felt. "The healer says I am lucky that I even survived the encounter."
"That's good." Ahsoka mumbled.
His eyes bore holes through her head as she tried to look anywhere but at him.
"Padawan. I am going to ask you a question." He said. "Do you think you can answer it for me?"
She swallowed thickly. "I can."
"Why did you not sense the bomb?"
That whole question was a bomb.
"What?"
"Why. Did. You. Not. Sense. The. Bomb." He laid every word out as if he were speaking to a three year old.
"I- I uh."
"Were you not in charge of making sure the base was covered before I could go in?"
"I-"
"Did you not think to check for activated bombs in a recently conquered enemy military base?"
"Master I was-"
"Padawan. 9 clones, including the captain, are all dead."
Ahsoka went silent.
"I almost died." His face was impassive, but his words were cutting into her with a passion so utterly brutal she was finding it hard to breath.
"Where would you be without me?" He questioned. "Without a master you'd be sent to agricorps. I'm inclined to send you there right now. Your incompetence cost the battalion 3 weeks. It cost the Republic 3 weeks. What am I supposed to do with a weak commander who sleeps while her General and her soldiers are dying."
Ahsoka's eyes flew open. "I-"
"That was what you were doing, was it not?" Krell sneered. "At least the clones can be trusted to follow orders, yet you aren't even capable of following the simplest of ones."
"I- I'm sorry."
Krell glared at her, and Ahsoka almost wished for the impassive face to come back.
"You can fill out the medical records." He said. "And call in for more troops from Kamino. This is because of you. Until you learn to value your training and the things I give you, you might as well fill out the paperwork. Unless you are incapable of even that."
"No, sir. I can do that."
"Good." He said, waving her off, and Ahsoka flew from the room.
As she went through the white halls, she tried her best to shove the growing thought into the corner of her mind. That was the best way to do this. If she didn't think about it, it wasn't there.
Yet one thought refused to leave her head.
How did he know I was sleeping?
This thought plagued her as she wandered through the halls of Krell's ship. It relentlessly tugged at her mind, giving her no comfort.
Was he simply that strong in the force that he could sense when she was awake or asleep?
She hoped not.
She wandered into the mess hall. Her thoughts still a jumbled mess.
But as she looked up, her eyes found the answer.
Standing at the opposite end of the room was that clone. The one who smiled.
Only this time, his eyes were knit with concern, and his force presence radiated guilt.
A hundred and one emotions flashed through Ahsoka in a second, but before any one of them could take hold of her she shoved them deep inside.
She turned around.
And she left.
Krell's words echoed in her mind.
They are soldiers.
More importantly, they were Krell's soldiers.
They would never be with her.