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| King of Hearts |
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By: Janae Destiny
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Saturday-- Later That Night
"Big Frank!" Monie yelled over both the loudness of a busy kitchen and the heavy bass that could still be heard from the music playing in the main part of the club.
"Why yuh deh inna mi kitchen?" Frank, the club's head chef, yelled over to her from his position at the fryers, just having dropped some fresh wings into the hot oil.
Frank was an older gentleman who adds a sort of comforting fatherly presence to the club. And just like the dancer's house mom, Frank truly does care about the girls. If one of them is sick and texts him, he'd be on his way over with some homemade chicken soup, no questions asked. And the title of 'big' before his name, well, that comes from the dark skin man standing at about 6'5" with quite a hefty build. His size is a bit intimidating at first, but he's one of the softest most gentle people you'll ever meet, especially when he's around his husband and kids.
"Do you have any ginger in here?"
Monie kept her position by the kitchen's entrance, knowing she isn't allowed back there because of her six-inch platform heels and her outfit that only consisted of a bikini top, g-string, and a tiny mesh dress to go over it.
"Ginga?" Frank raised his eyebrows. "A wah yuh need ginga for?"
"My stomach feels a little upset. I wanna make tea or something."
"Yuh wasn't drinking on an empty stomach, were you? Mi always tell yuh girls bout that-"
"No," Monie quickly stopped him before he had the chance to go into one of his infamously long lectures. "I haven't had a single drink tonight. I just haven't been feeling well. I've barely eaten all day."
"Then yuh don't need ginga. Monie, yuh need fi eat. Come."
Frank instructed one of his chefs to look after his station before putting something in a styrofoam container, grabbed her a bottle of water, and then motioned for Monie to follow him to a door that led to the break room. Monie reluctantly sat down at one of the many empty tables and Frank sat across from her.
"Thank you," Monie accepted the plate of food that Frank sat down in front of her. She didn't really want it though, but she ate it anyway because turning down food from Frank was about as disrespectful as saying you wanted to slap his mother.
"Mi haffi get back in di kitchen, but you stay here and eat. Mi soon come check pon you."
"Okay," Monie nodded her head. "Thank you again."
Besides the sounds of appliances, cookware clanking around, and the men yelling across the kitchen that could still be heard even in the break room, it was much quieter in there than it was on the floor or in the locker room, which she could appreciate because her head felt like it wasn't fully there that night. She had half a mind to stay home again until she remembered that she did in fact have responsibilities. Ones in which she had to work to keep up with.
And sitting there alone in the break room, her mind kept wandering back to the conversation she had with Kiara in her bedroom that morning, and a large part of her felt bad for how defensive she had been. No matter how bad she's been trying to hide it, Monie is stressed out and has been for a little while now. Her mind has been heavy, and instead of being honest about it, she went off- that same exact self-sabotaging behavior Kiara had mentioned.
'That's not healthy you know. You're gonna eventually burn out doing that... Just cause you're used to it, doesn't make it normal. You deserve to relax too.'
Those specific words that Kiara had told her in response to being tired and not having the time to relax kept replaying over and over in Monie's head. Kiara was right about the whole burnout thing and Monie could feel it creeping up on her, no matter how much she tried to push the feeling away. But the thing about it is, burnout is not just a feeling. It's so much more than that, and it's definitely not something you can simply ignore either. The emotional, physical, and mental stress she's constantly under is now taking the form of headaches, body pain, upset stomachs, and insomnia.
And as much as she hates to admit it, the truth is that she is tired. So. Fucking. Tired.
"Feel any better?" Frank came back into the break room to check on her again, just like he said he would. And this time he came back with a bottle of cold Jamaican ginger beer in his right hand.
"A little bit," she lied.
"Well, mi nuh have no more fresh ginga fi mek tea, but mi find this fi yuh," he opened the bottle for her before handing it over.
"Thank you," she kindly accepted it and happily drank that over the turkey burger and fries she was just forcing herself to eat.
"You sure yuh okay? Yuh barely eat none of the food."
"I'm fine, and I really do feel better," yet another lie. "I'm gonna go freshen up in the locker room before I head back on the floor."
"Okay. If yuh still feel sick in a little bit just go home, nah? Yuh nuh need fi be here dat bad."
"I will. I promise," she got up from the table and picked up her trash with her before heading to the door that leads not to the kitchen, but to the hall that then leads to the locker rooms.
Monie was glad that it was a Saturday night at the club because that meant that most of the girls were on the floor instead of hanging out in the locker room. There were still other girls in there, but very few compared to how packed it usually is. She retrieved her cosmetic bag from the duffel in her locker, sat down at one of the mirrored stations, and started doing small touch-ups. And she was in there for only a few minutes when the feeling of the upset stomach she had turned into full-on sickness.
She barely made it to the bathroom in time, holding her hair back as she vomited everything she'd just eaten and drank into the toilet bowl below her.
Monie heard someone enter the bathroom, but it wasn't like she could stop what she was doing. It wasn't exactly voluntary.
"You okay in there?" She heard CeCe's voice from outside of the stall. CeCe is the same girl who defended her when another one of the dancers decided to mess with her for absolutely no reason other than jealousy. And all Monie could do was thank God Himself that it wasn't Jade who had walked in.
"You okay Monique?" CeCe asked once again when the girl finally came out of the bathroom stall and made her way towards the sinks. She walked up to Monie with a travel-sized bottle of mouthwash in one hand and a pack of spearmint gum in the other.
"I'm fine," she lied for what felt like the millionth time that night. She gargled some of the mouthwash CeCe offered for about a minute before spitting it into the sink. "And thank you," she said after accepting not one, but two pieces of the mint-flavored gum.
"Are you sick?"
"No."
"Girl, you're not... pregnant?" CeCe leaned in and whispered the last word as if it were some sort of terrible terminal illness, even though it was just the two of them in there.
"No. Absolutely not," she shook her head. There's no way she could be pregnant because she hasn't had sex with a man in well over a year. All of her most recent partners have been women-- with the exception of one drunken night she shared with her baby daddy a few months ago that she's been regretting ever since.
"You want me to get Darci?" CeCe referenced their house mother. "See if she has something for you to take to help calm your stomach?"
"No, it's not that serious," Monie politely declined the offer. "I'm just gonna go tell her I'm not feeling well. I think I needa go home. Maybe lay down or something."
And in that moment, all she wanted was her bed because along with her upset stomach, the headache she had earlier had now gotten worse.
"Wait, before you leave," CeCe went and picked up her phone off of the table where she had been touching up her own makeup. "What's your number? So I can text and check up on you when I leave later on."
"Oh, you don't have to-"
"Just put your number in," CeCe still handed her the phone anyway, not taking no for an answer.
And as Monie typed both her name and phone number into the blank contact, Kiara's voice was echoing through her head once again, telling her to stop pushing away the good people who are genuinely trying to build relationships with her.
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"Why are you awake?" Monie said into her car's speaker when her brother called her just minutes after she had left the club. And she was back in her car now, her BMW X3, that had been delivered the day prior.
"I uh..." Marco hesitated to tell her the truth. Why? Well, because he can tell Monie has been stressed out more, and he knows exactly why too. And because he knows why, he never wants to add to her stress.
"You what Marco? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I just... ain't been sleeping real good," he admitted, knowing she would just press him for the truth if he tried to lie. Because as well as Marco knows Monie, she knows her brother just as well, if not better. "I fell asleep in your bed with Ava, but I woke up soon after. I'm fine though," he added again, just for extra reassurance.
"You're not sleeping, Marco, so you're obviously not fine. Is it cause of the same dream you had the other night?"
"Yeah... partly."
"Partly?"
"Can we talk more about this when you get home?"
"You called me," she reminded him. "So what's up? Cause you never call me this late at night, especially when I'm at work."
"I don't know why I called," he said in a much quieter voice now, "I didn't think you were gonna answer to be honest. I thought you was still gonna be at the club."
"Well, I'm on my way home, aight? I'm not feeling too well, that's why I left early."
"Are you okay?" It was her little brother's turn to worry about her now.
"I will be," she sighed.
They said their goodbyes and when Marco hung up the phone, the neo-soul music she was listening to went back to playing softly throughout her car. She wasn't listening to it at all though. It's like the music wasn't even playing.
"I don't have a choice. I have to be okay..." she whispered as if Marco was still on the phone and she was still answering his question. "I don't have time to not be okay."
Monie was supposed to be going straight back to the condo, but somehow, her mind had drifted off thinking about the million things going on in her head, each fighting for her undivided attention. And somewhere along the way, both Monie's brain and body took over and it was like she was driving on autopilot-- her destination being Kiara's house located near the Biscayne Bay.
She's been to Kiara's house once in the week she's been in Miami, and that was earlier that morning because Kiara needed to change her clothes before they went out to breakfast. How did Monie possibly remember how to get there and especially from the club? Well, there's a simple answer to that. She has an amazing memory, which definitely came in handy when she was in school trying to pursue her hopes and dreams of one day becoming a neonatal nurse practitioner. But as it seems to always happen, life got in the way of yet another one of her seemingly unattainable dreams.
Monie wasn't exactly sure why she decided to just show up at Kiara's house without any sort of notice, but she was already sitting in her parked car outside of her house by the time she realized what she was really doing. She didn't even know if Kiara was awake, yet there she was anyway. She had hope that Kiara was still awake though. It was only about 1am, and for someone who runs Miami's nightlife scene, it was usual for her to go to sleep late.
"What the fuck is your problem Monie," she muttered to herself, her knuckles holding on tight to the steering wheel. She was trying to tell herself to leave, but she just couldn't. Her body wouldn't let her leave without at least attempting to see Kiara first, and the headache she had felt like it was turning into a full-blown migraine now.
She sat there in Kiara's driveway, for no more than a few minutes while she decided if she wanted to leave or try and find the confidence somewhere inside of her to get out of the car, make her way up to the front door, and ring her doorbell. She's usually very confident, and she always has been. But even the most confident and strong people are weak and insecure at times too. She didn't even realize she had started crying, not until she felt the wet teardrops leave her cheeks and fall onto the part of her chest that was exposed in the T-shirt she was wearing. And once she realized that she was in fact crying, she couldn't stop. She lowered her head down onto her steering wheel and quietly sobbed, letting the influx of tears rush down both of her cheeks.
"Monie-"
"Fuck!" Monie jumped and instinctively brought her hand up to her rapidly beating heart when Kiara came tapping on the slightly tinted glass of her vehicle. She quickly used the neckline of her shirt to wipe at her eyes and pretended she wasn't just crying as she rolled down her window.
"Monique, I thought you said you was working tonight?" Kiara was obviously shocked to see Monie just sitting outside of her house. "So what are you doing here? Why are you sitting in my driveway? And why are you crying?"
"I... I uhh... I..."
"Monique," Kiara just repeated her name, but in a much softer and more endearing tone this time. "Are you okay?" She settled on, figuring all of her previous questions could be answered later on.
Monie hesitated to answer that question. She hesitated because she wasn't sure if she wanted to answer truthfully or just tell Kiara she was okay like she's been doing all day.
"No," Monie shook her head, finally answering that question truthfully for the first time all day- and maybe even for the first time in her entire life. "I'm not... I'm not okay, King."
It hurt to say those words out loud. It felt like a dagger had been driven through her heart when she muttered those three very simple words.
I'm not okay.
It sounds so simple to say, but to Monie, it felt like one of the hardest things she's ever had to do in her life.
"Are the kids okay?" Kiara wanted to know before asking her any further questions.
"They're fine, yeah," Monie sniffled. A few stray tears were still rolling down her cheeks, but being startled by Kiara had caused her crying spell to subside for the most part. "They're at home. Ava is asleep and I just talked to Marco. He said he's having trouble sleeping again."
"Why? What's going on with him? What's going on with you?"
"It's uhm... it's around the same time that uh... it's the tenth anniversary of my parents' death," she just said it, no longer wanting to beat around the bush. "It's been ten years since they were killed."
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