*mention of suicide and depression*
You fell asleep with all your clothes on that night after what had been one of the worst days in your life. You hated yourself for making Tony feel this way, and you hated Loki for making you feel this way. It was one big mix of emotions, and you couldn't really figure out what to do with any of it.
There's a silent knock on the door, waking you up from your dreamless sleep. You cover your ears with the pillow hoping whoever it is will just leave you alone, you need the sleep.
There's a louder knock on the door. You sigh deeply, as you try to crawl out of bed, slowly opening the door. And the person on the other side of the door was definitely not who you expected.
"Thor do you have any idea what time it is?" You yawn exhaustedly.
"Nighttime" Thor smiles broadly.
You chuckle as you open the door allowing him to come inside with you. "Can you make This Quick Im tired" You say as you crawl Back into bed.
"I'll be quick" Thor sighs. You get a sick feeling in your stomach, you've never heard him this quiet before, somethings wrong.
"What is it Thor?" You question.
"I can't visit you again" Thor says coldly.
You stare at him in confusion. "Okay? Why not?" You ask confusedly.
"I belive my father was right about you, and therefore I think it would be better if I don't visit you as often anymore" Thor explains as he takes a step away from you.
"Thor you can't be serious" you say stunned, feeling as your heart skips a beat.
"I had a talk with my father, and we agree it's best to keep you banishment from Asgard.. You're a dangerous person y/n, I can't risk anything letting you into my kingdom again" Thor says quietly, his words leaving scars with each word. "You are not the person I once loved, I see that now"
"What's going on with you?" You ask, confused.
"Nothings wrong, I've simply realized who you truly are" Thor growls..
You get up from your bed opening up the door. "Get out of my room, I don't know what I've done to deserve this treatment. But I would like you to leave"
Thor walks out the door, before he leaves you speak once more.
"I'm not what you say I am.. Find me when you're ready to apologize to me" you scoff. "I did love you Thor, and I loved your brother in ways I could not myself comprehend" you say as your voice softens.
For a second you see his expression soften, he looks... guilty. You stand in silence Watching as Thor walks away from you.
You crumble down onto the floor, you didn't think this day could get any worse, but it turns out you were wrong. Everyone on this team hates you, then can't even look at you.
You don't sleep that night, you kay awake wondering what to do, but there's no solution where you come out on top of this.
You scream into the pillow, you wish you could undo all the pain you had caused, that there was a way for you too just let it all go.
You go into the kitchen as soon as the sun starts to hit you window. You look into the fridge, unable to make a decision. You can't think about anything else but the night prior to you. You slam the fridge shut, resting your forehead against the cold metal door.
"Y/n?" A quiet voice calls out. You don't recognize it at first, as soon as you turn around you see Clint. "Are you okay?" He asks confusedly.
You take a deep breath, trying to gather yourself. "I'm fine, why shouldn't I be?" You chuckle nervously.
"You don't look fine" he mumbles softly. "I just came to fetch some arrows Tony's been working on. Natasha and I are going out for some pizza later if you want to join us"
"Im busy" you lie.
"What are you doing?" Clint asks suspiciously.
"I have some.. you know just some.. yeah" you can't think of anything to say, looks like you ran out of lies.
"Yeah" Clings says sadly. "You can talk to me you know, I'm here"
"I know.. it's nothing." You assure him. "I'm just really tired okay"
You're not sure who you're trying to convince anymore, him or yourself. Whoever it is, it's clearly not working out very well.
"Alright, call me if you change your mind" he smiles, as he walks down to the lab.
You grab a bottle of water locking yourself in your bedroom. You can't look anyone in the eyes, Loki basically told you he didn't love you anymore, you left Steve right before he was about to kiss you, Tony kicked you out, and Thor doesn't want anything to do with you. All in twenty four hours.
Nat, Clint and Steve tried to get you out of you room. But you didn't want to listen to them, you had given up, spending all your time watching crappy shows on the tv, sneaking out when everyone was asleep you sneaked out into the kitchen. You wanted nothing more than to burry a deep hole and disappear. God you could use a phone call from Fury sending you far away from New York any minute by now.
"Y/n it's been a week, will you please just come out and talk to us" Nat yells from the other side of the door. "Please I miss my best friend"
You turn the volume up, trying to silence the loud from the outside world.
You hear mumbles.
"Y/n, Tony will come around, I'll talk to him" Clint adds.
"Just let us in" Steve says softly.
You turn off the tv, walking hesitantly towards the door. You grab a hold of the doorknob, but something inside of you won't allow you to open the door.
"I want to speak with him" you say quietly. "I need to speak with Loki"
"We think it's better if you take a step back from Loki... You've worn yourself out completely" Nat says leaning against the door. "Just let us in"
You open up the door, quickly jumping back onto the bed, cuddling up with your blankets. As they walk inside they're taken aback by the smell, it's not terrible. But it smells like how a bad hangover feels, heavy and bittersweet.
"You know you can open these right?" Clint scoffs, opening up your window. As Natasha starts cleaning up the mess around your bed. It's looks like foxhole. Trash scattered everywhere.
"What's going on?" Steve asks nervously, sitting down next to you. "Talk with me"
You look at Clint and Natasha gesturing for them to give you a second alone.
"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable" Steve says softly.
"You didn't, I make myself uncomfortable" you chuckle trying to cover the truth behind the words.
"I might not know what happened with you and Stark, and maybe it's not my place but I'm here for you" Steve assures you.
You feel your stomach turn, you want to tell him everything, but where should you even start.
"I hate myself Steve.." you admit. "I hate the person I've become, I want to be that same girl you met back then, I want nothing more than to pick up right where we left off.. but I can't" you say quietly. Closing your eyes slowly. "A piece of me died with you that day, i tried everything to numb the pain.. alcohol, drugs.. one time I was swimming, and I just let my head stay underneath the water..."
Steve looks at you unsure what to say, there's so much pain in his eyes, you can't even look at him. "You what?" He stammers.
"I kept swimming, kept fighting just in case I could drown. But then I just stopped.." you sob. "I thought what's the use. And I let myself sink deeper and deeper down.. But i didn't drown, I felt the burning pain in my lunges for minutes, but nothing happened" you explain.
Steve is completely silent. You don't know why you're even telling him this.
"There's no cure for me.. I can't be fixed Steve. Im a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode and eliminate everything in my way" you add.
"Im sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me"
Steve takes your hand, holding onto it like he's never letting it go again.
"I met Tony in the 90s.. I knew who he was, and I didn't tell him.." you stutter as you speak. "I shouldn't have lied to him, I know that now.. sometimes the truth just hurts too damn much"
"You're not alone anymore y/n.. This.. The avengers we're your family now.." he smiles softly.
"I'm no superhero Steve.. I'm the bad guy." You scoff tiredly.
"What is a superhero..?"
"You... you're a hero" you say.
"I'm the man I an man today because of you.. before that I was a lab-rat, a dancing monkey" Steve chuckles. "You made me a hero"
"I didn't do anything" you sigh heavily as you pull away. "Do you really think I've people knew what I had done.. If they saw my true side they'd still call me a hero?" You say sadly. "I'm a monster.. I've killed so many people.. so many dirty jobs for SHIELD.. if anyone found out.. I'm not a hero Steve"
"You are the most extraordinary person I've ever known. You see the beauty in everyone, you fight for the ones no one else does" Steve says confidently. "You never turn your back on anyone.. you've made some mistakes.. so have I"
"Come on, name one mistake you've ever made" you scoff.
He takes a deep breath, as he looks at you. "I didn't tell you how I felt" he admits. "That's my worst mistake"
"That doesn't count.."
"Okay" Steve takes exhales as he gets up. "I am here for you though.. we all are" Steve says as he walks out your room.
You go into your bathroom, as slowly take of your clothes, looking yourself in the mirror. You don't recognize yourself anymore. You sit down in your bathtub, letting the warm water slowly fill up all the way to your chest. It's like a warm embrace, the comfort you've been needing all day.. all year.
You have been fighting all your life, and in this moment you wonder why you're still fighting so hard, when there's no use. You take a deep breath, letting your head sink underneath water, feeling as the sadness consumes you.
Thats what people don't realize about grief, it's like drowning, and every time you try to come up the surface to catch your breath, you're pulled under again. Watching as everyone around you breathing like it's the easiest thing in world... then why can't you breathe.. why can't you just stop drowning.
The longer you're under, the worse it gets. This means you're alive. You don't know wether that's a comfort or just makes it harder. But that much you know. You're not drowning in the water.. you drowning in a sea of your own self loathing.
"Y/n!" You hear a voice scream, as you're pulled up from the bathtub.
You cough up as much water as you can, still struggling to catch your breath.
"What the fuck were you doing?" Natasha scream, as she wraps her arms around you. Holding you tight.
"I was just taking a bath" you whisper softly.
"That's not how you take a bath, what were you thinking??" Natasha whimpers quietly, rocking you back and forth.
"I wasn't" you admit.. "I wasn't thinking.. it was nice" you smile.
Natasha grabs your face looking directly into your eyes. "Don't ever pull something like that again.! Are we understood?" She yells angrily.
"Yeah.. I wasn't thinking, it was just a bath" you assure her.
"I'm not leaving you tonight, let's get you dressed and then we'll go to bed" Nat says firmly as she gets up tossing you a towel.
You don't say anything, you just do as she says. Putting on an old shirt, resting your head on Natashas chest as you fall asleep.