There are some things which no matter how much you want, you can't get. Life is not a Paulo Coelho novel, where if you desire something the entire universe will conspire to help you get it.
Now, I didn't get these thoughts from some philosophy session. They were impressed on me by a notice board.
I was coming out of the school at the time of dispersal when I saw the recent update on the notice board. It was a list of upcoming workshops about to happen in school during the rest of this academic year. One of them was of journalism. It will be happening in four months.
Such days are those days where I find myself absolutely worthless.
The notice board wasn't the only savage thing happening to me today. Susan and Emily are planning to have a get together at Emily's place. There will be fifteen people.
I wouldn't have a problem in going if it was just three of us, I don't even know them and fifteen is a huge number. I'll again become the outcast. I hate this feeling more than any other in this
world - the feeling that I don't fit in.
Exams are also over I've no excuse to bail myself out. If I actually tried to explain them the circumstance, then that will lead to a stupid lecture about how rude I'm and things don't work this way.
Throughout my life one thing I heard more than my own name is that I'm different and I need to change that about myself. The world will never accept me this way. The world is harsh and if I continued to be on my own terms I can't survive here.
***
Out of those fifteen people I was the last one to reach. I always reach late and leave early.
So the get together was exactly like I anticipated. All of them were talking, laughing, barely listening to each other but still enjoying.
I till now have nodded sometimes and maybe I've smiled on one or two things or told few people my name.
Physically we're all in the same room but mentally it feels like I'm miles and miles away from them.
I feel like complete weirdo, a misfit around them. I don't feel like I belong with them. I generally don't feel I belong around anyone. It seems like there's no place for me here or anywhere.
But there's an exception, everytime I'm with Oogway and Mjöllnir I feel good.... I feel like home. You know, around people I feel like they aren't willing to accept me the way I'm, infact even I'm not willing to accept me the way I'm. But those two accept me the way I'm, they love me the way I'm.
***
After the get together was over, it was the lecture time.
Susan began it,"Haze we know that you're not very talkative"
Emily added,"but Hazel, people tend to like those people more who're more friendly, more fun loving, more jolly, more social."
I stood up and said,"I'm leaving, see ya."
***
There're 7.7 billion people on this planet out of which 25% to 40% people are introverts and 36% people have social anxiety. I know these terms are not synonymous, I'm just trying to explain that there're a lot of people out there like me. Why do people still need to make me feel like a weirdo?
I know having social anxiety is not a good sign but being an introvert is not a bad sign, it isn't a disorder that needs to be corrected. I get anxious very easily but I'm not scared to talk to people, I'm scared that people will hate me because of my introversion. I'm not scared to talk to people, I'm scared to be myself around people. I'm not scared to speak, I'm scared to be quite as I feel people don't appreciate that very much, social anxiety is a psychological issue whereas introversion is not.
If their loudness is not bad, if it's not supposed to be corrected than why does my quietness is something I should change? And if we go according to what Emily said, I wanna ask why do I need to care about such people who will not like me just because I'm not social?
I want acceptance, atleast from my friends.
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