( CHAPTER EIGHT && A LESSON IN FINITE LOVE )
❝ to forget the ones you loved most ❞
—
"THE INJURY THAT SHE HAS SUSTAINED CAUSED TRAUMA... HENCE WHY LADY GUNNHILDR IS UNABLE TO RECALL ANYTHING."
THE HEALERS EXPLAINED the circumstances as delicately as possible, understanding that there was a lot of ground to cover and there was more than what Diluc and Kaeya was letting on in terms of what had happened to you. Yet in spite of the professionalism and delicacy of the healers, the two of them took the news heavily. No matter how hard they wished the news to be nothing more than lies, the severity of the situation was hard to swallow.
You sat there blankly, looking worriedly at the healers but not for your own sake— but rather for the sake of the two men who sat on each side of you. Kaeya, who was on your left, was supposedly your best friend prior to the accident and Diluc, your supposed fiancé on your right. Despite their attempts to refresh your memories of past events, nothing resurfaced. Not even the faces of your supposed sisters did anything to jog your foggy mind.
To have woken up surrounded by those you did not recognize alarmed you but to have been briefed on everything that supposedly happened prior to this 'accident' all at once was another whirlwind task. It made you nauseous, terribly so. Especially when you're told the fact that the reason why the 'accident' had occurred was due to high-strung emotions and a displacement of love. For you now, a blank shell of your former self— it was all tantamount to another headache.
"Lady Gunnhildr."
The healers were addressing you by your title, that of which you felt no association to. Much to your chagrin, nothing they said nor did helped you recall past events. As of any recurring symptoms, the throbbing in your head had gone away but under intense questioning, it always returned. Along with that awful ringing that accompanied your painful headache.
You looked up from your lap, frowning as they began to inch closer to you— these unfamiliar faces blurred the longer you stared at them; their words began to fade as the ringing started to grow louder. Waves of nausea caused you to gag, your hands clutched the sides of your head as you tried to shake away the sharp yet heavy sensation.
"Stop..." You pressed your eyelids shut, still seeing their blurred faces in the darkness as you began to hyperventilate. You felt a hand touch you, causing you to flinch and pull away. Unfamiliarity initiated your fight or flight senses almost automatically, moving as though you were on autopilot. With every heaving breath you took, you felt like your lungs were being filled with water— weighing you down until you were drowning again...
(Again?)
Muffled voices echoed in your mind, only serving to further intensify your headache. Pounding rhythmically, you tried to force the faces and muffled echoes from your mind— attempting to shield yourself before you heard what vaguely sounded like a doorslam. Silence followed yet it did little to calm your nerves; the sensitivity of your senses only intensified when you opened your eyes once more.
It took you a few minutes for you to calm down from your sudden hysteria. Outside, you heard the voices of the healers talking to someone; one of the two brothers who sat on either side of you as Diluc and Kaeya (the name felt odd on your tongue) was nowhere to be seen.
You took this moment alone to look at yourself in the mirror that stood by the doorway, looking to see the bandages wrapped tightly around your forehead. Similarly, the sides of your arms were also wrapped with white. Beneath, you noticed purple-maroon bruises blossoming across your skin. A result of the accident, you presumed.
But that said, you still didn't know exactly what happened to you with the exception of a hard fall that resulted in your amnesia. Everything that led up to that very moment and of what your previous life was remained completely unknown to you.
And no one was willing to inform you of what happened.
Whether of ignorance or blind concern, you felt as though a piece of crucial information was missing. Had they explain it, perhaps something would change in you. Even so, there was a part of your mind that told the likely truth—
That nothing would bring back those memories.
(To protect yourself, why would you ever wish to experience that pain again?)
That had been the second time you heard the voice echo through the confines of your empty mind. A voice that you served as the only familiar remembrance of the past. But that too, was empty. The echoing of a voice oh-so familiar...
It made you sick to your stomach.
"In any case we should—" The door had opened to reveal Diluc and Kaeya standing between one of the healers. Their conversation cut short upon seeing your blank stare.
"How are you feeling?" Diluc was the first to speak up, walking over to your side with delicate steps. He sat on the edge of your bed, his weight brought you an odd sense of comfort; to know he was tangibly beside you. For why that effect he had on you, it was unknown to you.
"Better..." You responded, still a bit hesitant. The voice that left your lips felt foreign. Perhaps as a result of the accident, this catatonic phase of your mind made everything feel more unfamiliar.
After dismissing the healer, Kaeya also made his way over to you. Sitting close with his hands resting awkwardly by his side. "Do you need anything? Water?"
It was kind of them to offer you such care though you knew it was because they themselves felt guilty for your current condition.
You shook your head with a feigned smile, trying to appease their worries. "I feel fine... A bit nauseous is all."
Lies continued to spill out, such is the overfill of the spring riverbed. All consuming, you continue to drink in the bitter liquor until you've had your fill. The consumption grew from an obsession to protect, to shield oneself from the truth of the world. Towering walls once built to protect this serene world of lies came crumbling apart as you exposed yourself to the foreign world beyond.
"Then do you wish to rest?" You shook your head again. Having been confined to this room for the better half of a few days had certainly worn you out.
"May I go for a walk...? I see there are grape flowers in bloom outside." You made a suggestion, hoping they would incline to your wishes seeing as how you were adjusting. The disconnect you felt was almost palpable.
Even so, a sparkle glitter in Diluc's eyes at your words, you noted. Perhaps a belief that you would recall more if you spent time wandering the grape-vine hills; to recall the summer spent with him and Kaeya.
"Would you like for one of us to accompany you?" Diluc cleared his throat, shooting a look at Kaeya upon seeing him approach you without warning. Kaeya's brows furrowed into a tight knit, confirming for you that there was something they weren't letting on.
"Could... Kaeya come with me? If you don't mind..." You reached over to touch Diluc's hand, gently overlaying yours atop his to ease him. He looked reluctant but allowed for Kaeya to escort you out of the manor. Briefly, you glanced backwards to see Diluc's resentful expression, overcast with a tight frown.
Clusters of grape flowers caught your eyes the moment you stepped out of the Ragvindr Manor. A sea of emerald greenery with crowds of white buds blooming on the weaves of brown twine.
Spring winds welcomed you as it carried the scent of sweet acidic grapes flowers, tickling your nose with pleasantries from long ago. The warmth of the sun beamed down upon your skin, basking in its radiance. The smell of the petrichor and woody pine was invigorating for your dulled senses, having been confined to the walls of the manor for a few days.
You took it in, breathing deeply as you embraced the deceptive kindness of the world around. Enough so, it eased the tension in your ever slightly from the immense pressure within the place called home.
"You look at ease." Kaeya's voice broke the whispers of the winds, causing you to turn back to him with a neutral expression.
"I much prefer being outside..." You admitted, nodding at his observation.
Despite the knowledge that he was your supposed best friend prior to the incident— you treated him much like a stranger. It wasn't due to discomfort but rather the fear of not living up to your former identity. You were still yourself but without the treasured memories and past laughs; Kaeya stood before you much the same as any other individual.
"Is that so?" He didn't sound like he was teasing you. His words came off as more of a passing remark, his eyes wandered elsewhere. You wondered if he felt the same towards this blank-slate version of you.
"Could..." Your voice faltered as the realization dawned upon you slowly. That perhaps you were bringing up ugly memories for him to see you like this— or that he was healing from the news and reality of your absent memories. To see the one he cared so deeply about become this shell of their former self. The same could be said for Diluc.
"Hm?" Kaeya prompted you to continue but you couldn't find the courage to ask. It felt wrong to ask him... or was it? You didn't know. You weren't sure if it was right to essentially exploit what previously existed with you and him.
(He cares. He would do anything for you.)
Your lips thinned into a frown as you shook your head. "Never mind... Ah, forget it..."
It was almost pitiful. How you stood there wanting to know yourself only to serve their own happiness (and perhaps, that empty void in your chest). Had this not been an accident? Was there more to what they were letting on? All questions proved itself to only further your headache about your identity.
You let out a languid exhale before you brought a hand to your head, steadying the sudden paradoxical weight that came with your own questioning. Of how selfish one can be when they were the ones still reeling from this experience and you were more or less untouched— safe; so they think.
"May... I walk through the vineyard?" Changing topics, you turned to Kaeya with a smile, hoping he wouldn't see past the clouded confusion in your eyes.
Kaeya replied with a smile, whether feigned or genuine— that you weren't sure of. "You needn't ask for permission. This is your home, you know."
Home... The word felt empty to you. It meant nothing to you. Not when you know so little about yourself and the world around you.
How nihilism paints your word in monochrome colors in such a simple way. Stripping you of your previous self— to lay upon expectations that you were woefully unprepared to take on. You truly wanted to know yourself, to learn of the person you were before... and yet this horrible voice at the back of your mind suggested otherwise. If perhaps this was all intention, to grant your new, broken mind a fresh start.
Later, Kaeya found himself busy with an unexpected mission. He was called upon by your... sister to return to the city. He was hesitant to leave you at first, but was assured when he was told that someone trusted by the Knights would be coming to assess your condition— to see if anything could be done to reverse the memory loss. In the meanwhile, you remained at the manor, watching as crystalflies land upon the grapevines; translucent wings sparkling with sunlight.
"Lady Gunnhildr," the maids who walked by all addressed you with great dignity and respect. Unsure of exactly what to say or do, you simply nodded to them before they went off to tend to the gardens.
"Is it true that Lady Gunnhildr had lost her memories?" You heard one of the maids ask the other; catching the occasional glimpses sent your way. Your lips tightened to a frown as you continued to listen.
"I saw the healers this morning. They all seemed rather grim... and by the way she's been acting— it's safe to assume so." The other maid replied back, snipping at the vines to remove excess growth of the plant. The dead vine fell with a thud into the wicker basket, prompting your attention as you continued to listen.
"What a shame... Well, actually... I suppose it might be for the best seeing as how tortured she was before the accident." The first maid shook her head as she continued to snip away. Another thud, falling.
"Living with such a burden isn't good for the heart. At least Master Diluc has stayed by her side through the incident—"
"But haven't you heard? Master Diluc is secretly seeing Grand Master Jean now... Who knows how much longer he will remain by her side."
Another dead vine fell into the basket. Snipping, snipping away.
"What? Nonsense... Master Diluc would never commit adultery let alone with Grand Master Jean."
"Have you seen the way they look at one another? One could simply tell that he much prefers one sister over the other."
Deadly silence followed exigent words that spawned unwanted accusations. You merely watched as the maids weaved through the grape vines, whispering to one another as the world became a void. A shaky gasp followed by the closing of your eyes as ringing echoed through the empty cathedral of your mind.
You stood up, head spinning as you took off in a sprint. Heavy, your legs felt awfully heavy as they carried you back to the manor as you pushed past the doors, heaving. Your lungs burned, tasting copper as you ran back to your room ignoring the cries of the servants shouting after you. An inferno scorched your lungs as you gasped at the sharp pain ringing in your head. Sudden tightness caught you in waves of nausea. Hysteria gripped your chest as you staggered to lock the door, tears brimming your eyes as the throbbing in your head intensified to a point that was nearly unbearable to you.
Agonizingly, you pressed your back against the door as you tried to ease the sudden migraine. A hiss eluded your lips as you let out a shaky breath, biting down on your bottom lip.
Why?
You pulled your knees to your chest as you choked back a sob, holding back tears as they blurred your vision.
Why does it hurt so much?
A cavity torn with bitter promises that taste of ash and poison. The heart stood defenseless as it was held open with sewing pins, pricked and toyed by unseen hands. Strung together by crimson thread, the heart continued to beat in a weak metronome. A reminder of your condition, moreover of your fragile, shattered emotions evoked through sheer oblivion.
Snipping, snipping away.
All that rested with you was this shell of your former identity. This casted soul was brought back by the whim of sheer luck; of what remained was this scattered ego, lost to a lethe pool sowed with regret and violet hyacinth. Icy water casted frost onto skin, white crystal teeming on the fingertips as you sank into the river— drinking in liquid abeyance.
(You chose this. You chose him. You chose this fate.)
How awful. The human mind has always been deceptively good at victimizing itself when the heart disagreed. Of course, when everything falls apart— it's at the fault of past choices. Regret seeps into the mind; the psyche becomes a glass mirror that shatters at a single touch. Fleeting and ever impermanent, you saw the brief world that you once sought in desperation. This eden of grapevine hills, sweet flowers, and dandelions as far as the eye can see; everlasting summer sun hanging at the cusp of twilight as you danced through the fields in delight—
But it was simply just that, a dream; the culmination of desperation that spawned paradise just briefly. A world utterly unattainable.
It was then when you finally began to understand why you had tempted fates.
—
END OF CHAPTER EIGHT
author's note.
hello friends :) i have briefly returned to present you this small update. just so you know - my activity on wattpad will begin to halt as i turn my attention more towards ao3 (same username)
many works will be published there & most of my stories will also be updated there first. do not worry, i intend to continue posting here.
also !! happy (almost) 20k reads :) hehe
in any case - i hope you've enjoyed this chapter. the following chapter will be more introspective as we dive into how this event has effected not only the mc but those all around :)