"Don't hesitate to call us if you need to."
I was standing over my bed- or what used to be my bed- going through the luggage Adelaide had gotten me to take home, checking that I wasn't forgetting anything.
"I will, I promise," I reassured her.
Life had been insane for the past few weeks. Well, it was insane for months before that, but the insanity only amplified the closer we got to the day.
The day I was waiting for over the last three months. The day I feared might never come. The day I had convinced myself would fix everything. The one that had muddled my brain and brought anxieties to the surface that I didn't even know existed.
The day I would go home.
I still hadn't met my parents, nor did I remember them. I knew their names now- Rob and Alice Jones- but that was about everything. The sheriff and Adelaide had both talked on the phone, but I was never included in these conversations.
Alice Jones, my supposed mother, was currently on her way to Christiansburg to come and bring me home. I should be elated, gleefully running around the room and watching carefully out the window to ensure she arrives, but I just wasn't.
I tried convincing myself that it was just nerves, but that wasn't it. Every time I looked at Adelaide and imagined leaving this home that had grown to be mine, I felt a sinking weight in my stomach.
And then, of course, there was the issue of Jackson. We hadn't spoken to each other more than the occasional mumbling in weeks. Since the fight, he's been distant. Granted, I hadn't been much better, but I had already made up my mind to treat him just the same as he treats me. If he wanted to play out the cold shoulder game, I would play, too. And I would emerge victorious no matter the consequences.
He had been successful in his avoidance of any interaction with me until the day I left. He walked into my room just minutes after Adelaide left to answer a phone call.
"So," he sighed, leaning against the doorframe leading to my room from the hallway, "you got what you wanted. You get to leave this dump of a place and find people who really care about you."
"Gee, thanks, Jackson," I retorted. "I'm so glad you were able to put aside the issues between us long enough to say goodbye. Oh, wait sorry, I forgot. I'm not allowed to complain about anything or I'm just disregarding other people's complaints."
"You're right, I should say goodbye. After all, I'll be missing you just as much as you miss me." Jackson started to walk away, then stopped and hesitantly turned toward me with a defeated look on his face. "And, I might regret saying this, but listen to my mom. If you need anything, call."
"You don't need to look so pained when you say that, you know." He scoffed and resumed his walk out. "Thank you." He paused briefly but then proceeded to walk away from my room and out of my life, possibly for the last time.
_____________________________________
"Madison! My sweet girl, I've been so worried about you!" She ran to me the second she walked into the house. Tears were building in her eyes.
I was sitting at the table finishing off the last of the mac and cheese Adelaide had made me. She was a small woman, skinny, and couldn't have been much more than five feet tall. Short brown hair cut into a bob framed her skinny face. There were bags under her eyes, but she was beautiful, nonetheless. Not in the same way as Adelaide, who was all curves and warm flounces, she had a fairy-like beauty to her.
I didn't recognize her.
"Hi. . . mom," I replied hesitantly. Guilt took over me as I realized I was not replying to her excitement with nearly as much enthusiasm as I should have, but I couldn't change my lack of memory.
"Rob and I have been wondering and wondering where you got off to, but it wasn't until just recently that we got an answer as to where you might have been."
So they had tried to find me. At the very least I could find comfort in that. I sighed and began, "Well, I'm here. You've found me!" I smiled slightly. This was my life. I finally found it and I would be happy. I just knew I would be.
"Are you ready to go? It's gonna be a long drive."
"Yes. I'm ready." I glanced back at Adelaide before continuing, "Do you mind if I say goodbye quickly?"
"No problem, I'll be in the car when you're done."
I turned toward Adelaide and sighed, trying to figure out the words to say.
"It's okay, hon. I know," Adelaide started, beating me to the punch. "I'll miss you, too." She pulled me in for a hug and I lowered my eyes, leaving my arms hanging limply from my sides. "You're going to do great things one day. Visit any time."
I nodded and backed away, suddenly overcome with emotion.
"I'll- uh- I'll you later." My voice was thick in my throat. I swallowed. "Bye." And with that, I walked away.
_____________________________________
"I just can't believe I finally got you back," my mother gushed as I stepped into the car. "I might just burst into tears!" She smiled at me and began to back out of the driveway.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jackson watching while leaning against the side of the house. I thought about rolling down the window, saying a quick goodbye or a thank you, maybe even an apology.
Instead, I turned my face forward. I was going home. I was leaving. I didn't need to take any part of him with me. He didn't deserve that. I would move on and so would he.
I was focused on my new life now, my real life.
"A little over two hours to Gilbert," Alice said, jarring me out of my thoughts.
"Who?" I asked.
"Gilbert, West Virginia! Home! I knew you had a memory issue, but I didn't think it meant you wouldn't remember even Gilbert!" she chuckled.
"Oh- um- Gilbert. Of course," I altered, confused and slightly annoyed. Why would I remember a little town when I couldn't even remember my parents? What did 'little memory issue' even mean? I ignored it. I was probably reading too much into it, and I didn't have the energy to try and figure it out.
"You know, Rob and I spent days searching for you. No wonder we couldn't find you. You completely crossed the border."
"How did I end up this far away, anyway?"
"I wish I knew. Those days were the longest of my life. I don't know what I'd do if you-" Alice's voice had become strained. She seemed close to tears.
"Ali- mom, thank you."
"For what?"
"For coming."
"You're welcome. To repay me you can stay awhile. Don't go running off any time soon."
"Deal." I smiled and looked off into the distance, watching the sunset. I was hopeful, I realized. I was hopeful that this would work out. I had been telling myself for weeks, months, even, that I would be happy when I went back to my real life. Now, for the first time, I started believing it.
I was going home.
_____________________________________
I must have fallen asleep somewhere along the way because last I remember was watching Christiansburg fade away into the distance, but suddenly I was awoken by Alice shaking my shoulder and shouting, "We're here! Wake up, Maddie!"
I jerked up and away from the leather car seat. There were lines marking my face from the pressure of the seat, and my mouth tasted suspiciously of drool.
"Already?" I mumbled, stretching out my limbs as much as the small cab space would allow.
"Yep! Welcome back to Gilbert!" she enthused. "We'll be back at our house in about ten minutes, so get ready."
Gilbert was quite possibly the smallest town I had ever seen. Small buildings lined the streets, but that was about all there was. There were a few houses spread out here and there, but most of them seemed to be out in the countryside.
"Alright, we're here!" Alice
sang, pulling into a little driveway on the edge of town. Across the street was a plain building with the words 'Gilbert General Store' printed on the side.
I gathered my bag and stepped out of the car. The small house would be described as 'quaint' and 'rustic' if it were being marketed, which essentially meant it was old and run down. The yard was unkempt and the paint was chipping off the sides of the house. The inside smelled musty like an old attic. I expected to hear the sounds of, well, anything, but it was silent.
"Is my dad here?" I wondered to Alice.
"Your dad?" Alice questioned, her brows furrowing together. "Oh! You mean Rob? Rob isn't your dad, Maddie. He's out with friends tonight."
"But I- what?"
"Rob is my husband. He's your step-dad."
Step-dad. "Where- who is my dad then?" I questioned quietly.
"Your dad doesn't matter. He wasn't good enough for us, believe me. He wasn't like Rob. Rob is good, you'll see. He'll stay. He loves me."
She sounded like she was talking more to herself than me, but I couldn't help wondering what had gone wrong with my own father. Did he not want me? Was I really always going to be wondering if I was good enough for anyone?
I had just spent the last three months feeling that same, unforgiving insecurity, and I was sick of it. I was not going to let this ruin what should be happy.
I am home. I am home and nothing can ruin this for me. This is where I am meant to be.
"Come on." Alice snapped back to reality and smiled at me. "Your room is just around the corner."
She showed me to my room and then walked away, calling out something about taking a shower. I tried taking a step into the room, but something stopped me.
Something about it unsettled me. There was nothing out of ordinary about the room. It was a simple room with one twin-sized bed and a small dresser. Anyone walking by would have seen nothing wrong with the room, but I felt claustrophobic just looking at it.
I couldn't breathe. The world seemed to shrink around me. There wasn't enough air. The air swam around me, taunting me. I tried reaching for it, but instead, my shoulder emitted a sharp pain, like I had fallen on the floor. My legs had given out. I attempted to think rationally and stand back up, but I only had one thought consuming my brain. Pain, fear, desperation, anger: all of it surged into one resounding word: Leave!
Tears and sweat were running down my face and hand. I could have laid there for an hour or a minute, shaking on the floor. I eventually got up and ran outside, heaving into the dark, humid air.
This was just a reaction. I was home for the first time in months. I was disoriented and upset, this was just my body's reaction to the sudden changes. That was all it was.
_____________________________________
Sleep came faster than expected that night.
In my dreams, I was walking around a field. There were two road signs in front of me. Standing behind one was Alice, all smiles and hope for what could be. Behind the other, though, were Adelaide and Jackson. They weren't smiling, but they felt. . . familiar. They felt real, like if I were floating out into space, they would pull me back. They would hold on to me.
I tried to make a decision. Which way would I go? One was all that I thought I wanted, but didn't I need the other just as much, if not more?
I reached my arm out to touch the signs, but as my hand came close, the signs vanished and I was plunged into a different scene.
"Oh get over yourself. Just because you like reading your little books doesn't mean you're any smarter than your mom and I." A man was yelling at me in this scene. He looked familiar, with his scruffy chin and unkempt appearance, but I couldn't place him. All I knew was that every fiber of my being was terrified of him.
"I- I didn't say I was. I only-"
"I- I- I," he mocked in a demeaning tone. "You can't even form a full sentence. You think you're so damn smart. Someone oughta knock that high-and-mighty crap of yours right out of you."
"All I said," I mumbled almost inaudibly, "is that the guidance counselor thinks I should start applying for college now."
"And who's gonna pay for it?"
"Me. I will pay for it."
"Right," he barked out in a laugh. "You. You are going to find a way to pay for college. You've never worked a day in your life. You think you can figure out how to live and function like a real adult?"
"Better than you."
His hand swung back toward my face. His knuckles went straight into the bone above my eye. The side of my face stung from the impact.
"That'll teach you to go running your damn mouth."
The scene changed again, and this time I was sitting in the kitchen with Alice.
"He doesn't mean anything by it."
"He hits me, mom. I think that means something."
"He just isn't great at dealing with teenagers. Don't you worry. He'll come around. I know he will."
"How can you be so sure?"
"He loves me. This isn't like last time."
"At least the last guy tried to be nice to me before he left."
"Rob is not going to leave."
"Then where is he?"
Alice hesitated then sighed, "You know he's out with his friends. He works a lot. He needs time to unwind."
"You work just as much. More, even."
"It's different."
"How?"
"I- I'm too tired for this. I'm going to bed."
I woke up in a cold sweat at the sound of a door slamming closed.
Rob. Rob was here. Rob was here and I just woke up from a dream, no, a nightmare that I know was more than just a nightmare. That was reality. The reality I had been waiting on for months finally arrived and it was utterly terrifying.
_____________________________________
I crept down the hall silently. I knew it was stupid, maybe even dangerous, but I had to see him. Alice had said he was 'out with friends' earlier, meaning he was most likely drunk out of his mind, but I needed to see it in person before I could fully believe what I had seen.
He was sitting on a couch in the living room watching television, some mindless cop show. Alice sat next to him reading a celebrity gossip magazine. Rob glanced up at me.
"Ah, look who finally showed up." His words were slurred. His voice rang with malice. "How was the vacation?"
"I- uh-"
"Still can't manage to speak a decent sentence, I see."
"I-" I cleared my throat before straightening and continuing, "I can speak just fine."
"Oh and that attitude just hasn't left yet either."
"Rob, honey," Alice interjected, "Please can we not do this tonight. She just got back."
"You expect me to take mouth from her just because she went and ran off?" He looked about ready to hit her just like he did in my dream.
"No, dear," she conceded.
It was probably, definitely unwise, but fury was building in me. I interrupted, "You're just going to let him do this? You would let him hit me just to keep a man around you a little longer?"
"Don't you speak to your mother like that!" Rob stood and took a step toward me. Instinctively, I flinched. "Alice, go take a walk."
"But-" she protested.
"Go." And to my absolute disgust, she did just that. Rob turned back toward me. "You are just as mouthy as the day I walked through those doors. Every punishment you got, you deserved. I have worked day after day to provide for you and your mom. How do you repay me? You run off.
"You know, at first it pissed me off. You take every blessing I have offered you without even an attempt at gratitude. I didn't have to give you anything. I'm not your dad. That deadbeat got out when he could. I was helping out of the goodness of my heart, and you decided to run away because my discipline got a little 'too harsh' for your sensitive feelings.
"After I thought about it for a while, though. I decided maybe it was a good thing. I wouldn't have to take care of you anymore. I never wanted kids, still don't. So I let you go. I even kept your mom from looking for you for a while. I'd hoped you at least would have gotten more than a couple hours away. Figures. Of course, a girl like you wouldn't even be able to run away properly."
"I ran away." Realization dawned on me. "I ran away and you did nothing to stop me."
"Why would I?"
"You let me run away happily, and now you're upset with me for returning?" I asked incredulously.
"Watch that tone!" Rob warned.
"I cannot believe this. I wanted to come back here for so long. Now I'm here and my life sucks. My mom cares more about her current man than my well-being, and this current man is a load of-"
His hand came down, but I sidestepped and quickly ran down the hall to my room. I slammed the door and locked it.
"Hey, little punk! Let me in so I can finish that beating you seem to need so bad."
I quickly shoved the few belongings I owned into a bag and gave the room a once-over. There was a small window above the bed. It would be tight, but I could manage it.
I squeezed through the hole, Rob still pounding on the door. I needed to hurry. I set off at a sprint across the street toward the bus station.
I stopped seconds before running into a lady.
"I'm so sorry. I- Alice?" Standing feet in front of me was my mother smoking a cigarette.
"Maddie? What are you doing out here?" she chided. "Come on, let's get back to the house."
"Mom, I'm leaving."
"But, you just got her." Desperation filled her eyes. "You cannot leave me again, Madison. No"
"Mom, I wish I could stay. I really do." Tears threatened to spill over. "You don't care about me."
"But I do! Oh, Maddie, I love you."
"It's not enough. Goodbye. Please don't look for me."
I ran on, stepping on the nearest bus heading south. Next thing I knew, I was on my way to Virginia.
_____________________________________
The bus didn't go all the way to Christiansburg. I stepped off the bus a few towns over and then found a cab to take me the rest of the way.
I had taken extra money from Rob before I left, but I was out by the time we reached the edge of town. I paid and began the walk to Adelaide's.
Since the night before, I had been remembering more and more. A snide comment here, and backhanded smack there, but there were still many blocked-out areas that I didn't know how much time I would have to wait in order to regain them. In every one of them I felt the same rage, pain, and horror.
I was so lost in thought I didn't notice a car coming up to me until it was too late.
The impact knocked me to the ground and everything went black.
_____________________________________
"We really have got to stop meeting like this."
I opened my eyes to a young-looking man wearing a doctor's coat.
"Dr. Carlsen. Long time, no see."
"You are not the first car accident patient I've had, but I'm pretty positive you're the only one I've had twice. And you still haven't broken a bone."
I chuckled as a familiar figure stepped through the door.
"I couldn't find- oh Madison you're awake!" Adelaide rushed forward for a hug, then pulled back and inspected me as my laughs turned to a sob. "What on God's good earth are you doing here?"
"I couldn't stay," I choked out.
I told her everything. Every resurfaced memory and then every harsh word. I told her of my mother defending Rob. I spoke until there was a wetness running down her face.
"We will get you out of there for good. Don't you worry about a thing. That man will never do so much as rest his hands on you again." Anger pulsed in Adelaide's eyes as she spoke. "I need to make a phone call. I'll be right back. Oh! And Jackson's here! I'll go get him."
Jackson. That fight seemed to be so long ago, but maybe it wasn't the same for Jackson. Maybe he was still mad at me. Would he refuse to talk to me or complain about my being here? I wasn't sure I could withstand the cold shoulder from Jackson after everything that had just happened. Maybe I should just apologize.
"Madison?" Jackson called out, interrupting my thoughts. "Are you okay?" He ran over and sat on the plush chair beside my bed.
"I'm good. Apparently, it takes more than a few car accidents to wreck me."
"You really do have a bad habit of doing that." His smile was bittersweet as he spoke, "I'm sorry. For everything. I went too far and it was uncalled for."
"I'm sorry too," I professed, relief flooding through me. "We're good, right?"
"Yeah. We're good."
"Good. Because I need to get out of this hospital and you're gonna help me."
September
"We're gonna be late!" Adelaide was pacing anxiously around the kitchen. "Jackson Frederick Reid, will you hurry up?"
"Adelaide, it's okay. We still have twenty minutes," I soothed.
"Sweetie, this is a court trial. We cannot be late. Are you sure you're going to be okay in there?"
"I'll be fine. As long as it gets me far away from that man, I'll be fine."
Jackson ran out of his room to us. "Sorry I'm late. Let's go."
We slid into the car, me in the front, Jackson in the back, and set off. I was terrified, but this would be a good day. I knew it would. I had found my real home, and that was where I was going to stay.