I walk into the hotel room and see Toto sitting up in his bed. When I walk in I put my phone down on the counter and turn to look for Jack. I see he is sleeping soundly in his bed, and knew that he would be pretty heavily asleep after his big day today. I rotate towards Toto.
"I am going to tell you something and I need you to just listen to me when I tell you this. I need you to know why I am doing what I am doing." He nods and I look down again, allowing my hair to veil my face.
———
Susie walked next to me, her eyes glistening as she looked at her two boys ahead, frolicking in the sunlight as they observed the monkeys. In a way, the two held a resemblance to the primates in front of them. Toto was chasing Jack, the pair hollering sounds of joy and laughter as they played their game. I noticed Susie's laughter subside as an expression I couldn't decipher crossed her youthful features.
"What's up? Are you ok?" I asked as she stared ahead, breaking her out of the trance she was locked in. She startled alive as if she was so deep in her own thoughts, she wasn't even on this planet. She snapped towards me, her smile resuming.
"Oh - I am ok, I was just thinking about Toto and Jack." The smile wavered briefly, an internal struggle arising to the surface and showing its face for a moment. She quickly regained control of her emotion and put back on her award winning smile, the smile that could have you beaming just form it's presence.
"You looked a little conflicted, is everything alright?" I pressed, as much as I was enamoured by her happy expression. Something didn't feel quite right about this moment, and I knew sue wasn't one to just spill everything without a little push in the right direction. I could only hope everything was in order at home.
"Absolutely! Everything is fine." She faltered again briefly, almost as if those words hurt her to say. She continued: "This may seem ridiculous but if anything were to happen to me, please promise me you will look after them both?"
I was taken back by the heftiness of her words, shaking me down to my core. I didn't know how to respond, breaking eye contact with her was the only way to release some of the unease I felt in the pit of my stomach. Toto's laughter demanded both of our attention as he sat Jack on his shoulders as they observed the monkeys. I nodded my head at her question and took a sip of my coffee. "Susie nothing is going to happen to you."
"Please just promise me, it will give me peace of mind if I know you will care for them. Toto may try and be a big shot but he really does need someone to help him, and if I can't be here, I know you will care for him." Again, the ballast of her words holding more meaning then I knew at the time, a double edged sword.
"You're freaking me out Sue, are you sure everything is ok?" I pushed further, this time hoping to get a truthful answer. A facade regrew to conceal the conversation further.
"Peachy." The smile returned and all felt well in the world again. The heavy moment we shared lifted with one show of her pearly teeth. Jack and Toto were approaching us now, and I smiled at Jack as he attempted to explain what he saw at the monkeys. The conversation had left my mind for the time being, but the weight of the conversation had left a mark on my heart.
———
"I could have potentially saved her, Toto." My eyes had been flowing like a waterfall, the tears lingering on my lips. Toto furrowed his brows and looked at his hands. Discussing our feelings over Susies sudden departure was not something we did frequently. He did not know that this event had occurred, startling him a little as the words were leaving my mouth.
"How could you have ever known what she was about to do. I am her husband and I had no idea the struggles she faced." His eyes remained locked on his hands. The gold band was spinning around his finger, almost as if it was a coping strategy for the tough discussion we were facing right now.
The moon was lucent through the window in the background, the white sheets of the bed soaking in the moonlight. The frail curtains billowed in the wind entering through the slightly adjacent window. Everything was quiet except for the distant crickets chirping off in the distance. The stillness around us only made the attention on the conversation even higher, every word being noticed and appreciated between us.
"I just wish I pushed her more. I know Susie wasn't really one to put her problems out in the world but maybe if I pushed that bit further she would have said something." I feel as though a weight is being lifted off my chest as the words leave me. We were both putting everything on the table, the words spoken dancing between us in the empty dark room.
"We can sit here and say maybe all day. Maybe we could have helped her. Maybe she would still be here. But at the end of the day, she isn't, and as difficult as it is to accept, we need to move forward. For ourselves. For Jack. For Susie." He looked in pain as the words tumbled out of his mouth.
"Fuck. It's so hard though. She was my best friend. She made me who I am and I just don't understand how we move forward without her physically here. She will always be a part of me in who I have become and she will always be in my heart. But how is this fair?"
"It isn't fair. I don't mean to be 'cringe', as you would call it, right now, but 'God gives his toughest battles to his toughest soldiers'. And right now we need to fight to get through this. But we can do it." He pulled me in, his arms encompassing me in a reassuring embrace. This was the closest Toto and I had ever been, emotionally and physically, but I felt so safe being so vulnerable to him.
We didn't move, instead enjoying the warmth and presence that we hadn't experienced in so long. We had spent so much time around each other in the last couple months, and yet, we had not spent time together, just us. We were always surrounded by Mercedes staff, family or even Jack. This was the first opportunity we had to be realistic and straightforward about our emotions and thoughts.
He stroked my arm as he pulled me in to lay in his lap, shuffling further up until his back rested softly against the headboard of the bed in the centre of the hotel room. He rested his head back as mine rested on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.
"I appreciate what you do for Jack. For me." His words were filled with sincerity. His heart rate had picked up slightly, it thumped against his ribs just that tad harder. I squeezed him that little bit tighter, his hand still encompassing mine as it rested in my lap. I traced my finger along his palm and pushed further into his chest, wanting to disappear at the refocus on me, him complimenting me.
I hummed softly, hoping it would be enough to make him move on from this conversation. His head still rested on the headboard, he hummed himself. His other hand had traced its way up my back and had made its way to my hair, knotted by the wind. I smiled softly at the thought as his hands started to try and pick through the matted locks.
"I wouldn't have been able to go on if I didn't have you at my side every step of the way. Regardless of whether its helping with Jack or helping me with business, you have looked after me so much. You have kept your promise and I know you will continue to keep it. Susie would be very proud of you." I nodded against his chest, my fatigue beginning to take place. The vulnerability of the conversation had left me more exhausted than before.
"Always, Toto. You won't be able to get rid of me even if you tried." By this point, my eyes had faltered shut and I loosened my grip on him. He was still stroking my hair, only soothing me and encouraging my overtired state. I knew I was about to sleep and sleep in the arms of a man that was so complex and infuriating but I didn't care. I wished I could say I would care but I knew subliminally that I never would. I would always be careless and feeble when Toto was around. As I was drifting off, I caught one last phrase before the fatigue consumed me.
"I wouldn't even try."
———
Hope you are enjoying the story so far!
I have been thinking about adding in some Instagram chapters for this book but wanted to get peoples opinions. Would you like to see some instagram inspired updates between the chapters (it would be a good way for me to tide you over until I can update etc). If so, would you like them in Retrospective or a seperate book that coincides with this?
Let me know!