"I told you don't post it!"
"Eyes on the road, Emir. I told you, I'm not gonna post it!" I said as I rolled my eyes habang tinitignan ulit ang mga photos naming.
I just manage to force her to airdrop the photos to me, kung hindi lang ako nanahimik ng ilang minute at nagkunwaring nagtatampo ay baka hindi niya pa i-send talaga sa akin iyon!
"I look stupid there! Huwag mo ipo-post iyan, kahit IG story, Selena."
"Paulit-ulit! I told you I won't!" Agap ko ng ulitin na naman niya na huwag i-post iyon.
Hindi ko 'rin naman talaga gagawin iyon, aside from the fact that she mentioned that 'she looked like a love-sick puppy' in our photos together ay parang pinipilipit ang tiyan ko habang tinitignan ang pictures namin.
The air in those photos screams something I can't name, o rather I would rather not name though. Kaya mas mabuti ng hindi i-post 'yon! Ayoko ng gatungan pa ang pagkabulabog ng pagkatao ko sa araw na ito sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan.
Buong byahe pauwi ay hindi ako tinigilan ni Emir kakasabi na huwag kong i-post ang pictures na iyon. I repeatedly told her that I won't and even show her my recent IG story, iyon pa iyong mirror shot ko sa bahay bago kami tuluyang umalis kanina!
"Ah basta, kapag nakita ko iyan in any of your socials, aawayin kita." Pagbabanta pa niya.
"As if you follow me on my socials, Emir." I said and rolled my eyes as I removed my seatbelt.
"Then I'll follow you. Teka." Napahinto naman ako sa kinauupuan ko ng damputin niya ang phone niya mula sa dashboard at may pinindot doon.
I saw how she search my username in IG na parang kabisado na niya iyon and immediately click my profile and hit follow. Agad iyong nag notif sa phone ko kaya naman ngising-ngisi siyang bumaling sa akin. Hindi pa siya natapos roon, she even clicked all the linked social media on my profile and follow everything.
"Ayan, huwag ka ng magtampo. I'll be your number 1 follower."
"Ewan ko sayo! I won't follow you back!"
"Wala ka 'rin namang makikita sa feed ko."
"Whatever you say, Emirson." I said at akmang bubuksan na ang pintuan ng sasakyan niya ng matigil sa muling tanong niya.
"Did you have fun today? I hope you do." She whispers, tila ibinubulong sa hangin iyon,
Nang muli ko siyang pasadahan ng tingin at magtama ang mga mata naming ay agad siyang nag iwas ng tingin, as if her eyes will let her down this time. Ibubuking siya sa kung ano mang itong ginagawa niya.
"I had fun, Emir. Thank you." Mahina kong saad at nilingon ang bahay ko. Just to hide the flush that I feel when I utter those words. Agad siyang tumikhim ng marinig ang sinabi ko at nagpakawala ng buntong hininga. As if relieved of what I said.
"That's a good thing to here. Good night, Selena." Marahan ko siyang nilingon at binigyan ng tipid na ngiti, pilit pinapakalma at itinatago ang kalabog ng dibdib ko ng makita ang marahan niyang paghagod ng titig sa akin bago umiling ng bahagya at yumuko sa manibela.
"Yeah. Good night, Emir. Drive safe." Pamamaalam ko bago tuluyang bumaba mula sa kotse niya.
I didn't even let myself to have the chance to look back at her dahil pakiramdam ko ay lalabas na ang puso ko sa dibdib sa bilis ng tibok noon. She didn't even do anything, yet I felt like I'm being swept up by all these unknown feelings!
Pakiramdam ko ay tulala ako ng buong gabi na iyon. While submerging myself from my bathtub ay naka-received pa ako ng message kay Emir.
From: Emir
I'm home. Have a good night, Selena.
Marahan kong binitawan ang phone ko nang mabasa iyon at dahan-dahang inilubog ng bahagya ang sarili sa bubble bath ko ng makaramdam na naman ng kung ano sa sikmura ko. The sudden flush on my cheeks cannot be hide even in the cold water of my bathe.
Gosh! Emirson! Ano bang ginagawa mo?!
We just had coffee! A damn coffee! We didn't do anything! It was just a coffee! Over the beautiful sunset of Lobo. Simmering the breathtaking view from the lighthouse, the closest we could get is touching through out elbows, or her hands on my waist.
That nothing right?! Something a normal acquittance would do?! Right!? Right!
Hindi ko na maalala kung paano ako nakatulog ng gabing iyon o kung paano ko pinilit na mag-move on from it and how it bothered the shit out of me. Ni hindi ko nga makuha kung saan ko kinuha ang lakas na pigilan ang sarili na magtanong kay Ivah even when she clearly noticed how unsettling I was for the past few days.
"What's wrong with you, Selene? Kanina mo pa tinitignan iyang phone mo. Nakikinig ka ba?" Sita niya sa akin.
Agad kong binaba ang phone ko at kunwaring ipinukol ang buong atensyon sa kanya.
"I'm listening, Ivah." Tipid kong sagot na mukhang hindi naman niya pinaniwalaan dahil inikutan niya lamang ako ng mata bago magpatuloy sa pagdi-discuss ng bagong kontratang ibinigay sa amin.
I, on the other hand, wouldn't stop looking and waiting for my phone to vibrate. Para akong tangang pasilip-silip sa phone ko waiting for that notification to hit me up. Pero bumaba na naman ang araw at tapos na naman ang nakapilang trabaho ko ay hindi ko pa 'rin iyon natatanggap.
What the actual fuck?
Pakiramdam ko ay mabubutas ko ang screen ng phone ko habang tinitignan ang huling message na ni-send ni Emir sa akin. It was her message that she got home, after that – NOTHING!
Hindi na siya muling nag-text pagkatapos n'on. NOTHING!
Hanggang sa matapos ang meeting naming ni Ivah ay hindi pa 'rin ako mapakali. I looked at my phone for the nth time and only saw some reminder from George's calendar and some notification from my social media.
Pabalang akong naupo sa pwesto ko sa van and decided to finally – fucking open her Instagram profile picture!
And totoo nga ang sinabi niya, it has nothing on it. Just a couple of post, kagaya ng gallery niya sa phone, mga scenery, kape at sapatos niya. I was about to close it dahil wala naman 'din iyong bagong IG story nang ma-realize ang pamilyar na baradilya, sunset at dagat sa latest post niya.
I immediately clicked on the post as if it would disappear in a glimpse of an eye. It was posted two days after we had coffee.
Nagawa niyang mag-post pero hindi niya ako nagawang tawagan o kahit man lang i-text after! Ha! This girl and her ways!
Ang unang picture ay kuha mula sa lighthouse. It was an epic view of the sunset, kuhang-kuha ang Taal na tanaw sa kalayuan habang kulay kahel ang nakislap na dagat.
Nang i-swipe ko iyon to see the next picture ay parang natuod na ako sa kinauupuan ko. It was a picture of me holding the menu up to my face, tila tinatakpan ang mukha but I was just scanning the menu.
Mukha iyong soft launching ng girlfriend niya! Gosh! WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?!
And when I saw the last photo, it was a crop picture of her hands... on my fucking waist.
Parang may kung anong nagwala sa loob ng tyan ko ng titigan ko iyon. Hindi ako nagkakamali! That was the cropped part from the picture that we took!
Aligaga kong hinanap ang photos na ni-airdrop niya sa akin at parang mas lalong lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko nang makumpirmang tama ako. The coloration was a bit different, but it is the exact same hands from our photos!
Nang bumalik ako sa Instagram ay doon ko lamang napansin ang caption niya
@emirson_st: Coffee, sunset and her – what a beautiful world it is to live in
"Miss Selene!" halos maitapon ko ang phone ko ng marinig ang malakas na tawag ni George sa akin. I immediately throw my phone on my bag na agad sinundan niya ng tingin bago ibalik iyon sa akin.
I frown at her to hide the loud thumping of my heart and the relentless rumble in my stomach, pakiramdam ko ay umiikot ang sikmura ko at nag-aapot sa init ang magkabilang pisngi at tenga ko dahil sa nabasa!
"Pinapa-confirm po ni Maam Ivah kung pupunta ho kayo sa party mamaya ng isang sponsor, para raw po masahan niya kayo." Mukhang pag uulit ni George sa sinabi niya.
"Sure, whatever suits Ivah, George." Tipid kong sagot para tigilan na agad niya ako sa pangungulit. George looks back at me for a long second before going back to her call with Ivah.
Inis akong huminga ng malalim to gain the composure that I had lost bago ipinilit na matulog na lang. I would rather try to shorten time than to stare at my windshield, thinking what the hell is happening to me and what that hell is that girl doing to me!
Pakiramdam ko ay kinukulam ako sa mga halo-halong emosyon na bumubuhos sa akin whenever she is involved. Kahit pa andyan siya physically or she's not, ginugulo niya pa rin ang mundo ko! I don't understand it and I don't like how it's making me uncomfortable and irrational!
I can't even justify why the hell am I acting up over the fact that she went MIA after our coffee, ni hindi ko nga alam bakit ako naghahangad ng follow up sa kanya when she's not even obliged to! Nakakainis! Nakakairita!
Inis akong tumingin sa full-length mirror ko and fix my non-permanent ginger hair. It will eventually wash out in a few days, nagkataon lang na need kulayan iyon to match a summer look sa isang photoshoot na ginawa namin. I manage to put some clips on side of my hair to keep it in place bago inayos ang suot na top. It was a shiny silver spaghetti strap crop top and partnered it with some black corduroy pants and black platform heels. Completed my look with complementary statement necklaces and bracelets.
Nang i-check ko ang phone ko ay agad ko ng nakita ang message ni Ivah.
From: Ivah
I'll be there in 15, meet me downstairs.
Napairap naman ako ng makita ang utos niya sa akin. I finish up with spraying my favorite perfume before heading out of my bedroom at inantay siya sa may sala ng bahay.
The house wasn't actually very decorative, wala kasi akong time ayusin iyon so pinaubaya ko na sa architect lahat ng detalye and even the interior of the house. I just want it to be minimalist, clean and very cozy dahil madalas lang naman akong naglalagi rito sa tuwing magpapahinga lang. Sometimes, at past 10 at night, the house feels a little lonely - especially if I have a lot of time to think about stuffs.
You see, I don't have friends, my parents never visit me unless its a very special occasion and I don't really have a social life. Kung lalabas man ako, it's always to meet Ivah or for work, kung makikipag-socialize, it goes with the same things. I sometimes laugh at comments who see my life as perfect and fairytale like but it's just really full of schedule works, maintaining my figure and soaking in my bathtub with scented candles and taking a rest.
I love my career but sometimes, I do feel like I'm always alone - not often lonely but I do get there.
Nang marinig ko ang busina ng kotse ni Ivah ay agad akong napailing sa sarili. I shouldn't think like this, madami pa akong trabaho!
Last peak at my phone, ay agad ko na iyong pinatay din dahil up until tonight hindi pa rin siya nagte-text sa akin. Maybe I should just really drop this hope that we somewhat get close to even communicate constantly. It's just coffee, tama.
"I think you should keep the ginger hair. Bagay sayo." Saad ni Ivah pagkapasok ko ng kotse niya. Agad ko siyang inirapan dahil sa komento niya.
"I'll think about it." I unconsciously said at marahang hinawakan ang mahabang buhok.
The whole ride to the party was blissful, as usual Ivah was telling me her new girl na akala mo naka-move on na ako sa nahuli kong ka-make out niya sa banyo the last time na nag-bar kami to celebrate one project - ngayon nasa ibang pangalan ng babae na naman siys. This girl and whatever is driving her to this kind of habits is giving me headaches sometimes.
Hindi ko naman kailangan makita at malaman ang mga ganoong bagay, Ivah!
When we arrived at the bar, agad kaming inalalayan ng mga bouncer sa VIP area kung saan naka-locate ang party. I immediately wave at then people in the crowd when they call me. I smiled a little as I walk through the sea of people and flashes all over me. Nang tuluyang marating ang VIP area ay agad akong dinaluhan ng head ng team ng project. She kissed my cheeks before giving out a bouquet of flowers to me.
"You don't have to! Thank you so much!" I said sweetly at her.
"Ano ka ba! Selene! Kami pa nga dapat ang magpasalamat sayo. I know we wouldn't make your sched that time but you gave us enough space."
"Your magazine is my favorite and you know that! It's a pleasure!" I said enthusiastically na mukhang nagpaganda ng mood ng head. I noticed Ivah on my side. Agad namang nalipat sa kanya ang atensyon ng head ng team kaya naman nakawala na agad ako sa kanilang dalawa.
A lot of colleagues converse with me and offered me drink, karamihan ay tinanggap ko just so I would atleast be drunk to even think about unnecessary things. It wasn't a wild party too, walang nagsasayawan and people are just socializing with each other. Karamihan din ng tao sa area namin ay mga katrabaho from the latest shoot.
Nang maramdamang umaalon na ang paligid I immediately decline the drinks that were handed down to me. I want to stay sober dahil alam kong hindi ko maasahan si Ivah pauwi kung sakali. I try to help myself to reach the bar counter and ask for some water bago nagtuloy sa higher seats area upang magpababa ng tama ng alak.
I lean myself against the black railings and oversee the people on the lower floors, karamihan sa kanila ay lasing na at nagsasayawan. I found Ivah in the far corner with another girl that I don't know and probably she will make out with.
I sip on my cold water when I shifted my gaze on the entrance of the VIP area at halos mabitawan ko ang basong hawak nang mapagtanto kung sino ang pumasok roon.
Emir in an oversized grey shirt and black pants entered the VIP floor. Kitang-kita ko kung paano siya binati ng mga kapwa ko model na nakakita sa pagdating niya. Her J1 matches the color of her pants habang kumikinang naman ang relos niya.
Mas lalo yatang nanlamig ang pakiramdam ko ng sumunod sa kanya ang isang babae at agad noong ipwinesto ang sarili niya sa tabi ni Emir, slightly clinging to one of her arms na hindi naman 'din niya tinanggal at pinagpatuloy lang ang pakikipag-usap sa mga models.
I finished my cold water, not even sure if I sober up or the alcohol has finally kick in, when I made the decision to go home. Wala pang alas dose ng gabi pero gusto ko ng umuwi, makaalis sa lugar na ito at hindi siya makita. The sudden boils from the back of my throat makes me want to throw up and be mad at the same time - still sa hindi ko alam na dahilan!
When I tried calling Ivah ay ring lang ito ng ring at hindi sumasagot sa tawag ko. I growled when I realized that she will not pick her phone unless she finish cumming from whatever she is fucking doing right now! Great, Ivah! Nice timing!
"Hey." Para akong napatalon ng marinig ko ang malamyos niyang boses. I felt like my heels are nailed on the ground dahil hindi ko siya magawang lingunin, the raging urge to yell at her for my stupid reasons kept escalating through my body!
"Selena?" I bit my tongue ng maramdamang nagbabadya ang mga salita mula sa bibig ko. I decided to walk away instead, immediately.
Halos takbuhin ko ang distansya ng kinatatayuan ko at ng hagdan pababa ng floor na iyon para lang makakawala sa kanya. I don't want to talk to her, I'm probably drunk and will say whatever I want to say - and I'm a hundred percent convince its purely stupidity!!!
"Selena! Hey! Where are you going?!" Hindi alintana ang lakas ng boses niya, I rush to the parking lot and find Ivah's red Porsche. I unconsciously try to open the door of the car but when I realized it's lock, I don't have the keys, I growl loudly in distress.
I was about to kick the wheels of this damn car ng hilahin ang siko ko paharap, only for me to gasp when I saw Emir's frustrated face looking at me confusedly, tila hindi alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito ngayon.
It's just the alcohol, alak lang ito! I'm not mad that she ghosted me! I'm not mad! I'm not fucking mad!
"Where are you going? Asan si Ivah?!" Sunod-sunod niyang tanong sa akin. I harshly break from her grip when I felt my skin burn, not because it hurts but from the warmth that her skin gives to me making me feel unwanted things all over again!
"Hindi ko alam!" I roared back at her, marahan naman siyang napaatras ng dahil sa lakas ng boses ko. She kiddingly raise both of hands as if surrendering to me.
"Okay, okay. Calm down, Selena. Why are you so mad tonight?"
"I'm just tired! Gusto ko ng umuwi and Ivah is probably out there making out with some girls she didn't even know their names."
"Oh, so you're mad that Ivah's with someone?" Parang nalukot ang mukha ko dahil sa naging konklusyon niya.
"What? No! I just want to go home and I can't go home because Ivah's driving me!"
"I could drive you home."
"No!" I said defensively, siya naman ngayon ang kunot noong tumingin sa akin dahil sa naging sagot ko. I rolled my eyes at her pero isang hakbang lang papalapit sa akin ang naging sagot niya. I took a step back just so she won't close the distance between us.
Ngunit ng humakbang pa siya ng isa at sinubukan kong umatras ay naramdaman ko na ang malamig na sasakayan ni Ivah sa likod ko.
Even in heels, she's still towering a bit over me. Her glistening ocean blue eyes penetrated me, trying to dig what the hell is wrong with me kaya naman marahan akong mapalunok ng makita kung gaano kalapit ang mukha niya sa akin.
She's not even cornering me with her hands, it's in her pocket, yet I can't even move an inch. It was like I was under a spell and I can't even move.
"What our problem, Selena? What are you so mad about?" Her minty breathe makes me shiver as she whispers those words so close to me. Pakiramdam ko ay nanlamig ang buong katawan ko dahil sa tanong niya. Even if I try to equal her stares, I feel completely helpless under her eyes at this close distance.
"N-Nothing." I bit the side of my cheek when I heard myself stutter, imbes na tawanan ako ay mas lalo lang inilapit ni Emir ang mukha niya sa akin. Almost touching my cheeks with the bridge of her nose na mas lalong nagpawala sa sistema ko. My heart felt like it's not beating anymore, my blood went cold, I cant feel like I'm even breathing with her this close.
Pakiramdam ko ay tinakasan ako ng alak sa katawan sa lapit niya sa akin. My whole system feels collapsing already, malapit lang siya sa akin! She's not even touching me!
"You can try harder than that, baby." It was almost voiceless reply, ang labi niya ay halos dampian na ang tenga ko ng ibulong niya iyon sa akin. The way my chest hurts because of so much throbbing makes me want to die already, both in embarrassment and these unknown and unsettling feelings!
I bit my lower lips and try to push her away with one hand pero parang walang lakas ang sistema ko nang itulak ko siya. Her eyes followed my hands that push her chest slightly, nang hindi magtagumpay ay parang naiwang nakadikit ang kamay ko sa dibdib niya.
Her heart is pacing fast too, gaya ng bilis ng tibok ng puso ko ngayon. When we both realize that ay agad nagtama ang mata naming dalawa. The way she licks her lower lips before looking away confirmed what I felt. Marahan niyang inabot ang kamay ko sa kanyang dibdib and her warm skin tickles the shit out me kahit pa wala namang kiliti sa kamay ko.
Akala ko ay tatanggalin niya lamang ang kamay niya sa dibdib niya but she held it even when it was down on its extend.
"Selena, look at me." Her voice turns croak, as if pleading for me to look at her.
"What's the problem, baby? What's bothering you?" parang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko ng ulitin niya ang tanong na iyon.
Suddenly, all the unknown irritation and frustration that I've been keeping these past few days were named, and I hate it! I hate that it's because of that!
"Please, tell me what our problem? Ayokong tumatakbo ka palayo sa akin." Ang huling linya ay tila binulong niya sa kanyang sarili dahil sa sobrang hina noon.
I gasped upon hearing it, hindi sigurado kung tama ba ang pagkakaintindi ko. Her eyes are pleading me as she constantly lick her lower lips because of the trembling anticipation.
Pakiramdam ko ay nalulunod ako sa mga mata niya. The electrifying feel of having her near me, her hands touching mine, her eyes looking down at me as if she's the goddess of them all. It's insane! I don't know how to name these exhilarating emotions and feelings that pump through my body just by having her next to me!
"Selena—"
"W-Where have you been?" My voice break when I utter those words, hindi sigurado kung narinig niya ba.
She looks at me as if confirming if she heard those words right. Para siyang nataranta dahil sa tanong ko when she straighten up and look back at me and the scene back at me. Hindi makapaniwala sa tanong ko.
"I-I was in B-Barcelona. I was invited to judge and as a guest at a photography contests there." She said hesitantly tila tinitimbang ang bawat salita at pinipilit na paniwalaan ko ang sinasabi niya. I gulp when the sudden embarrassment slowly creeps in my veins upon hearing her reason.
"B-Barcelona?"
"Y-Yeah. I wasn't able to contact you because I was abroad." Pagpapaliwanag niya.
"Y-You could have send a text message." Hindi ko napigilang sagot at marahang nag-iwas ng tingin. Now, she's the one to gasped at my reaction and clench her jaw, mukhang hindi alam ang gagawin sa akin.
"Y-You said you hated texting. I don't want to be clingy with you so I didn't text you. I came here right away when Ivah told me you'll be joing the party." Mabilis akong napabaling sa kanya dahil sa naging sagot.
"What do you mean you came here right away?!"
"I just landed the plane two hours ago, Selena. I haven't taken a bath in the last 16 hours." My jaw literally drop when I heard her. A small chuckle came out of her when she saw my reaction at marahang napailing iling.
"God damn it." She whispers as she hides her face with her one hands, nanatili naman akong nakatayo roon at hindi makapaniwalang kagagaling niya lang sa flight niya. How can she even stand here?!
"Come here." Mahina niyang bulong bago hilahin ng marahan ang siko ko and before I could even comprehend what's she's about to do, nakakakulong na ako sa yakap niya.
The mixed scent of her sweat and perfume feels so intoxicating when I inhaled it for the first time as my heart starts raising in my chest. Pakiramdam ko ay nangamatis ang mukha ko ng ma-realize na niyakap niya ako!
"I'll text you every damn time." She whispers as she buried her face on my neck.
"What! What are you doing! Let go of me!" I said but only to weakly push her, ni hindi man lang nakakagawa ng distansya sa pagitan namin.
"God knows how hard I tried, but fuck it." Isang bulong na tila hindi para sa akin ngunit para sa kanya. She whispers those words on to my skin before letting go of me.
"This... this is your fault." She said with humor in her face bago ako tuluyang hilahin papunta kung saan man.