Chapter Thirty Eight
"Kalyx"
Kinsabukasan ay parang akong zombie na nakatingin sa salamin ng aking banyo pagkatapos akong gumising. I was crying all night long.
Hindi ko naiintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit hindi ko masabing "Oo" nung nagpropose sa akin si Mishael. Actually, hindi pa din nag sisink in sa akin na nangyari talaga yung nangyari kagabi. Nagpropose sa akin si Mishael.... And I said no.
Bakit hindi ko kayang umoo?
Pinili ko si Mishael. Tatlong taon na kaming magsyota. Alam kong mahal na mahal niya ako. He treats me right.
Pero anong problema ko? Bakit ko siya iniwan sa ere kagabi? Bakit ko siya sinaktan ng ganon?
Hindi ko magawang sabihin kay Rickzyn ang nangyari, especially ngayon na gusto ko siyang mag focus sa kanyang wedding preparations. Ayokong maging dark cloud sa kanyang moment ngayon.
So I called the best person to talk to who I know will listen to me without any judgement.
"Kuya?"
"Yo, Hanani! What's up lil sis!"
"Kuya..." At agad akong humagulgol.
Nag iba ang tono ng boses ni Jahleel.
"Hanani anong nangyari?"
And I told him what happened last night.
"I... I didn't know why I did that. It's just... parang hindi ko lang talaga kayang umoo. Masyado akong na pressure siguro kasi maraming tao, kaya kinabahan ako at di ko kinaya. I don't know, Kuya! What will I do?"
"Calm down..." Aniya. Huminga siya ng malalim. "Look, Athalia. You always have the right to say no to a marriage proposal, so don't be guilty if you didn't say yes."
Nakaupo ako sa aking kama habang nahigpit na hawak ang aking tuwalya. I still need to get ready for work, but I just don't think I can go out of this place without talking to Jahleel.
"Pero, Kuya... The way I did it, parang pinahiya ko na rin siya. Ang daming tao dun! Tapos may mga musikero pa and... I still haven't talked to him this morning. Nag-aalala ako sa kanya, kuya."
"Well, that's why I always think it's a bad idea to do a marriage proposal in public. It's like taking someone hostage." Aniya. "But really, Athalia... What's the real reason you couldn't say yes?"
"W-What do you mean?"
"I know Eleven came back there."
Natigilan ako.
"S-So what?"
"The way you ended things with Eleven was really bad. You guys had no closure or anything. And I gotta say... it almost seemed like watching a dramatic romance movie when I saw you guys and what you went through." He chuckled.
"Kuya..." Inis kong sinabi.
"I'm just saying... maybe you need to have a serious talk with Eleven. Maybe you need closure from him or he needs closure from you. Kung si Mishael talaga ang mahal mo at pinipili mo, it shouldn't be a problem to talk and have closure with your ex. Be mature about it, know what I mean?" Aniya. "Siguro meron kang repressed feelings na kailangan mong ipalabas kay Eleven, para totoong mag move on ka na talaga."
Natahimik ako.
"And also, whatever your feelings are... make sure to talk to Mishael first and foremost. Kasi siya ang boyfriend mo. And he deserves to understand why you turned him down. 'Wag kang matakot maging matapat sa kanya."
The whole day at work I kept thinking about what Jahleel said to me.
Dahil ba talaga kay Eleven kung bakit ko nagawang iwan si Mishael sa ere?
At hindi ko pa din kinakausap si Mishael. He's not texting or calling me either.
After work, habang naglalakad ako patungo sa aking sasakyan, napansin ko ang isang pamilyar na kotse sa tapat ng aking clinic.
It's Mishael's car.
Kinabahan ako. Pero nang tinignan ko kung sino ang nasa driver's seat, napagtanto kong hindi pala si Mishael ang nakaupo doon.
Napaawang ang bibig ko nang namukhaan ko siya.
"Kalyx?"
May ka text siya habang nakaupo sa driver's seat, mukhang seryoso ang mukha niya. He looked up and our eyes met. Nang nakita niya ako ay agad siyang umalis sa kanyang sasakyan.
He looked more mature and mascular. Ang alam ko ay doon siya sa Cebu nakatira at nagtatrabaho. Bakit siya nandito? Bakit niya minamaneho ang kotse ni Misha?
Nilapitan ko siya at humakbang din siya patungo sa akin.
"Athalia, long time no see."
"Yeah... Long time no see." I hugged him for a quick moment. Nakasanayan ko na dahil matagal tagal na rin akong naging malapit sa pamilya ni Mishael magmula nung naging kami. "Bakit ka naparito? Kauuwi mo pa lang ba galing Cebu?"
"Yeah... I just got here a few hours ago. I'm here to pick you up.."
Pick me up?
"Mishael is in the hospital right now."
Pakiramdam ko ay tumigil ang aking mundo nang narinig ko iyon.
"A-Ano??"
"He collapsed while he was at work this morning. I was actually coming here in Manila for work purposes, pero nangyari ito... I didn't even have the time to get my own car. He told me you didn't know yet dahil nasa trabaho ka pa at ayaw ka niyang istorbohin."
Hindi na kami nag aksaya ng oras. Nagpunta kami ng ospital kaagad.
"Mishael..." Sobra akong nag-alala at kumikirot ang aking puso nang nakita ko siyang nasa hospital bed. "A-Anong nangyari sa'yo?"
Kalyx left me and Mishael alone in his room.
"I was exhausted, I guess. Nahimatay ako kanina... I'm all good now. Don't worry. My doctors made sure to check if I had any complications. Alam mo naman normal ito sa akin, Ath."
"Bakit hindi mo ako sinabihan kaagad? You could've called me!" Naiiyak na ako.
"I can't let you call out of work so often because of me." Ngiti niya, pero iba ang expression ng kanyang mga mata. "Alam ko 'pag tinawagan kita, magcacancel ka ng appointments mo. That's not good for business."
Natahimik ako.
We stood silent for a few minutes.
"Mish..." Panimula ko. "About last night... I'm sorry I left you like that. Hindi ko naintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit ko nagawa yun. Masyado akong na pressure siguro-"
"Athalia... It's okay." Aniya. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. "And don't be sorry. Hindi naman ako magalit kung hindi ka pa talaga handa..."
We stared into each other's eyes. Nangingisip ang kanyang mga mata. They were so full of love, yet I can see his sadness.
"And also, whatever your feelings are... make sure to talk to Mishael first and foremost. Kasi siya ang boyfriend mo. And he deserves to understand why you turned him down. 'Wag kang matakot maging matapat sa kanya."
Naalala ko ang mga sinabi sa akin ni Jahleel.
Tumikhim ako. "Mish, naguguluhan lang talaga ako ngayon." Sabi ko. "Ang totoo ay.... magmula nung bumalik si Eleven, marami akong mga naaalala. I didn't end things with him in a good way. Marami akong naging tanong, at marami akong inisip."
Nakinig lang si Mishael, pero binaling na niya ang kanyang tingin sa ibang bagay. Lalo akong naiyak.
"I think I need to spend some time to talk with Eleven. Na magkausap kami ng maayos. Pwede ba 'yun?"
At totoo naman... Even though I've been pushing Eleven away, maybe I'm just making things worse. Dahil totoo naman na hindi kumpleto ang closure na binigay ko sa kanya. Unfair din iyon kay Eleven. Hindi lang ako ang nasaktan. Nasaktan ko siya ng sobra.
Natahimik si Mishael.
"It's been three years..." Aniya. "But I understand there are some feelings that can't be let go so easily."
Tinignan niya ako sa mga mata.
"I love you, Athalia. And I know hindi mo ako magawang lokohin."
Kumirot ang dibdib ko habang naalala ko ang gabing hinalikan ko si Eleven.
"Go and talk to him." Ngiti niya.
I hugged Mishael and he kissed me on the head.
Hindi ko kayang tumingin sa kanyang mga mata.
***
"Athalia?"
Bumungad sa akin ang malalim na boses ni Eleven. He sounded surprised dahil tinawagan ko siya.
"Hey..." Kinabahan ako. "I'm sorry about the other day. You're right. I do need to talk to you."
I heard him chuckle. Naiimagine ko siyang nakangiti.
"You were also right. I should have respected your relationship with Mishael. I was too selfish that I stooped down that low. I'm sorry for making things hard on you..."
Kumirot ang aking puso.
We agreed on a time and place to meet up.
Pinuntahan niya ako sa aking condo kinabukasan ng gabi. I only wore jeans, heels and a satin green blouse. Pupunta kami sa isang high class restaurant na kanyang naging suggestion. Pero hindi ko alam na nireserba niya pala ang buong rooftop section ng restaurant para lang sa aming dalawa.
"You went overboard again, Eleven. We're not on a date, pero nireserba mo pa talaga ang buong rooftop?"
"I can't help myself..." Aniya.
He was wearing a black button down polo, jeans and leather shoes. Napakaayos niyang tignan. And his looks always blow me away. Nakakainis.
The waiter poured us our drinks at nag order muna kami.
Kumain muna rin kami at habang kami ay kumakain ay nag-usap lang kami ng normal, pampawala tensyon.
Tumawa ako, "I know... I remember that!"
"Ang sungit mo talaga sa akin dati. And I loved teasing you."
Naalala ko muli ang mga panahong unti unti akong napaibig sa kanya despite him annoying me so much back then. This feels good. This feels good na nag-uusap kami ng ganito. Ang gaan pa rin ng loob ko sa kanya.
"What I said it true, Athalia. I'm still not over you..."
Napawi ang ngiti ko. Natahimik ako at nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.
"Ilang taon akong nagtanong sa sarili ko kung bakit ang bilis mong nag move on at pinili si Mishael... kahit na binalikan pa kita kaagad."
Nagnakaw ako ng tingin sa kanya at siya'y nakatingin na sa kanyang hawak na baso.
"I'm sorry for being too aggressive to get you to talk to me the other week." Aniya. "When I found out that it was all a misunderstanding three years ago, parang hindi ko lang talaga matanggap. Hindi ko matanggap na kayo parin ni Mishael ngayon. I was acting by impulse, you were right that I was selfish. Pero hindi ko talaga alam... I always act like a fool when it's about you."
Tingignan niya ako sa mga mata. Those damn piercing eyes. "From now on, I'll keep my distance." Aniya. "But I'm not gonna lie to you. The moment Mishael does something to hurt you... kukunin kita mula sa kanya."
"Eleven, no." Tingignan ko siya ng seryoso. "Wag ka nang umasa... Please..."
Natigilan si Eleven.
"I'm sorry..." Panimula ko. Namumuo ang mga luha sa aking mga mata pero pilit kong wag itong tumulo. "I'm sorry dahil sinaktan kita noon, Eleven. Totoong minahal din kita... At salamat dahil minahal mo ako ng sobra. You were my first love. Pinasaya mo ako ng sobra..."
Napaawang ang kanyang bibig.
"You asked me the other day... kung bakit ang bilis kong piliin si Mishael. You said that it was too convenient for him that I got close to him around that time when he was sick. At tinanong mo ako... kung ang dahilan ko ba na pinili kong mahalin si Mishael ay dahil may sakit siya..." Lumunok ako. Lalong kumirot ang aking puso. Tinignan ko siya sa mga mata. "Aaminin ko... Oo, pinili kong mahalin siya dahil may sakit siya, dahil kailangan niya ako sa tabi niya. Pero in the process of it all, minahal ko na din siya."
Hindi umimik si Eleven.
"Also, you had a lot going on at the time, Eleven. Naisip ko ring mas mabuti kung iwan mo na lang ako. You were too impulsive and immature. You were running away from your father and your responsibilities. Tingnan mo ang sarili mo ngayon, now you're in a better position. Nahirapan din akong makita ka dati na tago ng tago."
Nakita kong kinuyom niya ang kanyang kamao at hindi makatingin sa akin.
"Hindi ko gustong isipin mo na kinukulong ako ni Mishael, na ang tanging dahilan ko lang para maging nobya niya ay dahil naaawa ako sa kanya. It's completely my decision to choose him, at gusto ko itong paninindigan. Pinili ko siya kaya siya ang mamahalin ko at pasasayahin ko." Sabi ko.
Hindi ko kaya ang sakit na naramdaman ko sa aking puso nang nagtama na ang aming mga mata.
"Eleven, please... I want you to move on from me. Please be happy on your own. Please... Just let me go."
Tumulo na ang mga luha ko sa aking mga pisngi. My voice was breaking. Sobrang sikip ng aking dibdib.
My heart was wishing I never said those words to him, but my mind was telling me this was the right thing to do.
I know deep inside, I love Eleven... I still love him. After all these years.
And I'm scared to think that I love him more than I love Mishael.
Iba na ang sitwasyon namin ngayon. I don't want to be selfish. Hindi ko kayang saktan si Mishael. Ayoko din namang saktan pa si Eleven, pero kung hahayaan ko siyang umasa sa akin, ay mas lalo ko lang siyang masaktan. Ang gusto ko lang ay maging masaya na siya, kahit na wala na ako sa tabi niya.
Nakita kong namumula na ang mga mata ni Eleven. Umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin.
"It's also up to me to decide if I move on or not... What you're asking from me is not that easy to give." He managed to chuckle. "But look straight into my eyes and tell me that you'll be happy with Mishael, and I'll give it a try."
Tinignan ko siya sa mga mata. "I'll be happy."
That night the two of us were in the back seat of his car. Ang driver niya ay tahimik na nagmamaneho patungo sa aking condo.
Walang umiimik sa aming dalawa ni Eleven.
I guess this is it. This is finally over. Our chapter is finally closed.
For once, I wanted to be a little selfish... one more time.
Sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa kanyang balikat.
Wala siyang sinabi.
He moved his arms and wrapped it around my shoulder. He caressed my hair.
Umiyak na naman ako muli.
I missed him so much. But this is the end.
"I love you, Athalia." Bulong niya sa akin at narinig ko ang sakit na kanyang nararamdaman mula sa kanyang boses.
I love you, too.
Pero hindi ko na yun sinabi sa kanya.