Regret. It's one of the scariest things you could feel. The feeling of regret will consume you thoroughly until you can't handle it anymore.
But the scariest thing is, how could that regret to fade away? Does it need to be begged for it to go away? Is it as simple as that? Should we kneel to get rid of it? What should we do?
There are no excuses for what we have done. But I know we should beg for forgiveness. As long as Arya will forgive us, it is enough for me. I will understand if she won't open her arms for us. After what we have done? I don't think we deserve her back. I will just look after her and it will be enough.
Months passed and we continued to go to Sophia's house. Not because of Sophia nor for group study. It was because of Arya. Arya's the only reason why we're always there.
Sophia exaggeratedly told her family that we were always going out. It's a lie. We're not going anywhere except here, at Sophia's house.
The reason why she's doing that, I don't know. But maybe because of Arya. She wants Arya to hear that. What's the point though? Did she want to make Arya jealous?
It won't work, Sophia.
Arya might be, slightly, but she will look at that positively. I have known Arya that much.
However, I couldn't see any emotions in Arya's eyes. It looks dead.
What we have done?
"Hindi ba matapang ka? Bakit hindi mo pinagtatanggol sarili mo?" I followed her upstairs and asked Arya. "Dahil magulang mo sila? Pero parang sobra naman na ata ang ginagawa nila."
But she just laugh. "Don't act as if you care. If you're done talking, go back." Tinalikuran niya na ako at mabilis na pumasok sa kwarto niya.
Sumikip naman agad ang dibdib ko na tila hindi makahinga. Luke grabbed my hand. I was shocked when I saw him here.
"I followed you. Let's go," he guided me downstairs. He also bid goodbye to everyone while I was just staring at nowhere.
When we were at Luke's car, I just stared out the window. No one dared to talk. Until we arrived in front of the gate. When I looked at him, he just smiled at me. I just nodded my head and opened the door.
There's no one in the living room. It's strange because they were always there when I arrived. Well, saying things and spitting daggers.
When I was about to open my room, one maid came to me and said. "Ma'am, nasa hospital po sila ngayon."
It made me shiver. "Why? What happened?" I asked with a panic.
"Si Linus po," I didn't let her finish and hurriedly ran.
Thankfully, there was a driver when I arrived at the parking. I immediately said to go to the hospital and he immediately obliged.
The car was not properly parked but I opened the door and ran in front of the information desk to ask where's Linus.
"Linus!" I called his name after I opened the door.
I looked around and it exposed my whole family, except for Belle. Probably she's still at Sophia's house.
"What did you do, Tijana?!" Lola screamed when she saw me.
My forehead creased when I didn't know what she was talking about. What is it this time?
"You bought Linus a cake?!" she screamed in front of my face.
I was stunned. It's because it's true. I bought a cake yesterday for Linus. He said he missed my favorite cake so I bought it for him. I didn't know it would happen. But why they are blaming me? As if I want this to happen?
"Get out of here, Tijana. You don't deserve to see Linus after what you have done." Pantataboy niya sa akin.
Hindi ko alam kung mas gusto ko na lang bang masampal para hindi na paalisin, o paalisin na lang nang hindi sinasampal?
I glanced at Linus and he was sleeping peacefully. It pained me when I saw his dextrose and just left. Baka magising pa si Linus at maabala siya sa pagpapahinga.
I waited outside. Even though they will be mad at me, I don't care. Si Linus ang ipinunta ko rito.
"Ma'am! Bakit nandito kayo sa labas?" gulat na sambit ng isang bodyguard.
I motioned him to be quiet because others might be awake. He nods his head.
"Ma'am, naka-uniform ka pa po, ayaw niyo po bang umuwi muna kayo at magpahinga?" nag-aalala niyang tanong.
Umiling lang ako at hindi na sumagot. Umalis naman siya pagkatapos no'n. Akala ko ay hindi na siya babalik ngunit nagulat ako nang bumalik siyang may dalang kape at inabot ito sa akin.
"Malamig dito at baka ginawin ka. Doon lang ako sa unahan banda. Kung nais mo nang umuwi, sabihan mo lang ako." Ngiti niya.
I am uncomfortable around men but with him, I don't feel any strange.
He was familiar to me because he's been our bodyguard since I was born, they said.
After I was done with my coffee, I decided to go home. Hinatid naman ako ni Mang Seryo, 'yung bodyguard.
When I got home, I saw Belle walking downstairs in her PJs.
"Galing ka sa hospital na ganiyan suot mo?" nagtataka niyang tanong.
I nod.
"Mommy called me earlier after what happened. I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you."
Her mom called. While no one informed me. Why would they, Liza? They are blaming you.
"Let's eat," pag-aya niya.
I just shook my head and walked upstairs.
Kinuha ko ang phone ko at dali-daling nag-type ng message kay Arya.
Ako:
Pinagalitan na naman nila ako huhu :(((
But the memory of what she had said earlier came back. Maybe she doesn't need me. I immediately erased it and turned it off.
Going back to our memories, a sudden thought hit me. Realizations suddenly come to my head. I am always one who needs some help. I am too dependable on her. She's always there for me when I need someone I can lean on. But where am I when she's the one who needs a shoulder to cry on? I am selfish, indeed.
Later on, someone knocked on my door.
"Liza, are you still awake? Can I go there?"
"Door's unlocked!" I shouted for her to hear.
It doesn't take her seconds to open the door and walk toward my bed. I was laying down and didn't even look at her. I am too lazy for that.
"I know it's a bit awkward but... You know you can talk to me." Belle said while sighing.
It took me seconds to respond. "What should we talk about?"
She sat in my bed. "Anything. Anything you want to talk about."
"Should I die?" I chuckle.
"Should we die?" she also chuckles.
"I guess we have a mutual feeling, huh?" I joked.
"Maybe?"
We laughed at that and were quiet after that.
"What's the score between you and Luke?" she asked out of nowhere.
My forehead creased. "There's nothing between us. Why do you ask?"
"Really? But that's not what we saw. You look at each other as if you are very in love." She made a loud smirk.
"Uh-huh? Then what's the score between you and Lucas?" I backfired.
"Hey! I'm the one asking you kaya! Don't answer me with questions, Liza! You're unfair, huh?" I looked at her and she was already pouting.
"Because there's nothing between the two of us. We just complement each other." I sigh.
"What's with your tone?" she asked, teasingly.
"What about my tone?"
"Your tone disappointed! As if you're nanghihinayang that you're just like that!" she stood up as if telling me she had a point.
"Hindi ka titigil, gago ka?" kunwaring naiinis kong saad.
Hindi ako titigilan nito magdamag!
"Fine! But you're bagay, huh? I'll nominate and vote for you together!" she cheerily said.
"Nasa PBB ba tayo, huh?!" asik ko.
She looked at me curiously and creased her forehead. "What's PBB?"
I loudly sighed and just closed my eyes.
The thought of Luke and I was splashing into my mind. All our happy moments, teasing moments, sad moments, those moments that we faced together. We became comfortable to the point that we knew our struggles. The struggles made us think of solutions together. However, it was mostly my problem. It was mostly me, who had a problem that we thought of solutions to. He was there anytime I needed someone by my side. Besides Arya, he's the one I became dependable too.
Minutes later, Belle spoke, breaking me from my thoughts.
"Always remember that it's not your fault, okay? I love you, Liza. And I'm sorry for taking out my anger on you. I'm sorry for what I have said." Then she hugged me.
Convincing myself that it wasn't my fault was more difficult when Linus was still in the hospital for the past few days. It's been a week and Linus was still in the hospital.
I couldn't enter the room as my family instructed the guards. I am just outside, hoping they would let me in. Took some pity and thought that I was still their family and Linus was my brother.
Until Linus was finally discharged. But his treatment of me was cold. He didn't smile when he saw me. Is he blaming me too?
What have you done, Liza?
Even my parents were cold to me and didn't even say a word when they saw me. They just stared at me and walked passed me.
Is it my fault?
The guilt was consuming me. But thankfully, Belle was always by my side. Every time our family despised me and acted as if I was invincible, she was there to tap my back and whisper, "I'm here,"
Somehow, I felt relieved.
One day, when our family was not in the house and Linus was not with them, I walked to his room and knocked.
It opened and made my heart explode. Especially it was Linus who opened the door.
"Linus," I spoke, teary-eyed.
But it made my heart break when he suddenly closed the door loudly.
"Let's talk, Linus, please?" I begged. "I'm sorry for giving you a cake. If I just didn't buy a cake, you would not be in that situation. I'm sorry,"
I waited for him to open the door but hours had passed, and there was no sign of him. Until I could not do anything but go back to my room when I heard their voices. They are back. For sure they would be mad if they saw me in front of Linus's room.
As this feeling drains me, I am having a hard time focusing on school. Especially when I am not seeing Arya anymore.
I am dependable to Arya which resulted from having a difficult life to handle. I am not used to everything. Arya was not around to guide me and teach me things I was not aware of.
"You fucking failed, Arya! Ano 'to? Huh? Wala ka na ngang ibang ginagawa, bagsak ka pa rin? Tangina mo! Puro ka kahihiyan at kunsumisyon!" Oscar shouted to Arya and slapped her face.
"D-dad... Makaka-graduate naman po ako..." Arya said and Oscar slapped her again.
It made us all shocked and I cannot move to where I am.
We are in Sophia's house and currently having dinner. Then this happened.
I am having an attack and unable to listen to them. I am panicking. If Luke was not by my side and didn't stop me from falling, I might be on the ground now.
"Hi-hindi pa po ba sapat?" Arya said while crying. "Tangina, kulang pa? Tama na, please? Nagmamakaawa ako sa inyo. Tama na," lumuhod ako sa harapan nila na ikinabigla nila. "Hindi ko na po kasi kaya, eh. Ang sakit sakit na... Dad, Mom, palayain niyo na ako, oh? Kung gusto niyo po ulit ay iwan niyo ulit ako sa park.. Hin-hindi na ako magpapakita sa kahit na sino.."
Arya failed her exam. But what's their point in shaming and humiliating Arya this way? They have no right! Arya looks helpless. I could not do anything and just stared at them and couldn't listen to what they were saying. I am just seeing a fighting scene without any sound.
When I looked at Luke, he was saying something but I could not understand what is it. As f I am deaf.
What's happening to me?
Arya ran and left the place. I wanted to run to her and hug her, but Luke grabbed me and shook his head. I couldn't talk and just cry.
I saw Enzo go toward Oscar and just heard a little.
"I don't care if you're her father. Next time you'll do that, I'll sue you." Enzo said angrily. Then he walked out.
But seconds after that, the police came. The police cuffed Oscar and Belinda.
"E-excuse me, anong kaso nila?" Tito Ethan asked them, Arya's uncle.
"They are accused of murder and kidnapping Ms. Herrera and Ms. Cruz." After that, they exited.
That made me finally lose control. I am now shaking. My whole body's shaking.
I didn't know how I handle going home but I woke up and was already in my bed.
When I go down for breakfast, there's no sign of anyone.
"Nasa hospital po silang lahat," saad ng isang kasambahay.
I panicked and asked, "Why? Something happened to Linus again?"
"Check-up lang po," I sighed loudly after what she said.
I had my breakfast first before going to the hospital. Nagpahatid na lang ako sa isa naming driver.
Nang makarating ako sa hospital, nagtanong agad ako kung nasaan si Linus. Ngunit umalis na raw ito kanina pa.
Naghahanap ako ng masasakyan pabalik sa bahay dahil pinaalis ko na 'yung driver kanina. Akala ko kasi ay naroroon pa sila at magtatagal ako roon. Habang naka tayo ako sa may hintayan ng sasakyan, may biglang tumawag sa phone ko.
Kumunot ang noo ko nang makita kong si Luke iyon. Sinagot ko naman ito agad.
"Bakit?"
["Let's eat. Are you free?"]
My forehead creased. "Are you asking me out on the phone? Really, Luke?" I chuckled.
He scoffs, ["Why? Do you prefer to ask you personally? Face to face?"]
I was about to answer but the jeep beeped. I almost jumped in surprise!
["Where are you?"] he asked.
"Outside."
["Text me the address and wait for me there, okay?"] he calmly said. I heard him call Lucas, ["Lucas! Puntahan ko lang si Liza, pasabi kay Mommy at Daddy na umalis ako!"]
But then, Lucas shouted back. ["Tangina nito, uutusan mo pa ako! E 'di, kayo na ang may date! Pasabi nga kay Liza na utuin niya pinsan niya na makipag-date rin sa akin!"]
"You're brother's so whipped to Belle, huh?" I chuckle.
["So am I,"] I heard him whisper.
"What did you say?" my forehead creased.
["I said I am on my way already so text your address,"] I can hear him smirking.
I cannot do anything but end our call. I texted him my location and just stood here to wait.
It doesn't take him an hour to be here. I was surprised that he was so fast! Nasa karera ba 'tong lalaking 'to?
I opened the door and faced him. "Ang bilis mo, ah?"
He smirk, "Pangarap kong maging si the Flash, 'di ba?"
I rolled my eyes at him and entered the car. "Tara, punta tayong sementeryo."
He looks confused. "Why?"
"We'll visit Eloise, Lulu." I smiled at him.
He didn't ask anything and started the engine. It took us minutes to arrive.
Nilapag ko ang dala kong bulaklak at kandila. Dumaan kami kanina sa flower shop at bumili na rin ng kandila.
Nakatayo ako habang si Luke ay sinisindihan ang kandila. Lighter ko ang ginamit niyang pansindi. Hindi siya bumili kanina dahil sabi niya, mayroon naman daw akong lighter.
I prayed silently, as well as Luke.
Eloise, are you with Ate Jessy? If you're together, tell her that we are fighting for your justice. Justice will finally be served. I love you two.
After that, we went to a restaurant. Before we entered, I saw familiar faces that stopped me from walking. Napansin iyon ni Luke at tumigil din.
"Your family's here," he stated.
"Let's go to another restaurant, Luke. Can we?" I asked even though I didn't have any strength.
"Of course," then he guided me to his car.
They looked happy. They are all laughing together. As if they are complete and a happy family.
But why when they are with me, can't see their smile? I can't even see them looking at me.
I tried to erase that memory. I tried to do my best to focus on Luke.
Luke didn't ask anything about that. He just followed me and smiled at me every time our eyes met.
"You'll not ask me anything?" I asked curiously, wanting to hear his answer.
"Why would I? It's your privacy and I would not invade your privacy, Tix." He calmly said.
That made me smile. "Thank you."
He looked at me and said, "There's nothing to thank about. It's basic decency."
"Thank you for being by my side every time." I smiled at him.
He smiled and said, "I'm always here, Tix. Always remember that."
"So do I. I am always here, don't hesitate to run to me."
It's a relief after that. That made me somehow relax and get my mind out of that scene. Wherein my family's happy without me.
Days after that, someone called saying Arya's at the police station. I immediately go there even though I just woke up. When I got there, there were so many people inside the police station.
When I saw Arya, I was so happy that I wanted to run to her and hug her tightly. But it stopped me when I discovered the reason why she was here.
She's Eloise!
She survived that day. However, it became a new hell for her.
She confessed everything. How they abused her, harassed her, and treated her like an animal. Fuck them!
I couldn't help but cry until my body was already shaking. I couldn't take it anymore and just run outside.
I calmed myself and almost jumped when Luke was standing beside me. When I looked at him, her hands were open as if telling me to go and cry to him. So I did.
I cried and cried to him.
My friends came and they were all crying. And then, when we were walking toward the garden we saw Arya and Morgan there.
"Arya Eloise!" they shouted to her and ran toward her.
I do not have any strength to run or say anything. I just stared at her face and memorized the details. After all, my guts were right. It's Eloise.
"Kung magso-sorry lang kayo, 'wag niyo na ituloy," Arya stated. "Magkwento na lang kayo sa akin."
We are in front of her while she's sitting.
"Anong gusto mong kwento?" I took the courage to ask.
"Kung paano ka ginawa tsaka kung paano ka pinanganak." Pamimilosopo niya. "Joke. Siyempre, 'yung mga happenings niyo sa buhay. Kung happy ba kayo o sad, everyday, everynight,"
That made my heart relieved.
Nagkukwentuhan sila habang ako ay nakatitig lang kay Arya.
Arya forgave them. Arya made it clear to us that she didn't hold any grudge and she was not mad at us. Arya's too good. How could we deserve her?
After all, those relieving news and moments, it all faded away when Arya admitted that she was sick. She was dying.