Chapter Forty-Two
I don't think anything could've prepared me to see him again.
He's the same. Handsome. Tall. Effortlessly calm and suave. Still capable of breaking my heart with just a few words or touches. But, he's also different. His dark, navy blue suit looks like it's sagging on him, rather than pushing him to look confident. His tie seems normal but it looks like it's been tugged loose and then tightened more times than he blinks in a day. And his eyes. They look like two deep oceans full of grief and confusion. Almost pitiful. And he stands in front of me, as if waiting for me to begin saying something but it is him who has come to sit on my porch.
"What are you doing here?" I ask gently. Maybe not so gently. I sound a little angry to be honest. Why do I sound angry?
His mouth opens—in surprise? To speak?—but he closes it and presses his lips together. He takes a deep breath, rearranging the words he will say in his head. His first word almost makes me break. "Ivory."
My hand clenches into a fist, my nails digging into my own palm, forcing me to acknowledge reality. I do this to remember why I left him in the first place. I do this to keep me where I should be. But my name hasn't been said in his voice in over a month now and I haven't seen him look at me like that for a while. My hand shakes as I try to keep myself focused.
"Yes, that's my name," I say, curt. "Can you tell me why you're here?"
In any other normal situation, maybe if I had fallen for a normal guy and we had broken up and I had found him sitting on my doorstep, I'd ask him to come in. I'd make him tea. I'd even ask what was wrong and what he was doing here so late. We'd be friends. I'd help him out with his problems even if we were broken up.
But to tangle with Lee is to dance with fire. There is no safe spot with him. Being friends is not safe. Letting him in is not safe. Talking to him without a hint of rudeness is not safe. Because if I let him in, I don't think I'll let him ever go again.
He doesn't say anything. He still has this wary look in his eyes but it calms as he looks over me. I look away from the heat of his stare. "Your hair's grown," he murmurs. He takes one step, his hand outstretched.
"No." I take two steps back. My eyes go back to his, determined. "Why are you here, Lee?"
"I missed you."
"Don't say that."
"What do you want me to do? Lie?" he asks, inching closer. "Tell you that I haven't spent every waking moment, which is every moment since I can't sleep without the fact that I am not with you physically or mentally, and that I am going into a completely rabid state of mind? I said I wouldn't give up on you. Sorry I'm late, but this is me not giving on you or us."
His hands touch mine. How did he suddenly get so close? How did he sneak his way back under my skin again? I had been doing so well dodging him or the thought of him.
I pull away. "It's over, Lee. It's been over for a while. You know this can't happen. We're now one month closer to whenever Penny is going to give birth. This is not a game anymore. It's real life. I think it's time we both accept that."
"But—"
"But what? It's not a good time anyway. I don't have time for a relationship either. With my mother and college and the bills and work, I have no time for myself, nevermind love," I tell him.
Lee's eyes dull for a moment. He looks...angry?
"No time for relationships or anything, huh? It seemed like you had enough time to be hanging out with Mark," he says. It feels like he's yelling but his voice is barely a whisper. "What? I'm not even worth the truth? Don't try to lie yourself out of this one. The news is everywhere. I wouldn't have believed it had it not been my very own eyes seeing him drop you off and your cute little embrace. I've had enough with your lies."
I want to say so much. Be angry and yell at him and tell him not to be stupid. That I obviously only love one man on this earth and we all know who that is. But that would be giving him the fuel that he needed. To know I still care about him enough to tell him everything. If I give him that, we'll fall back into our cycle and I can't have that. It's just not possible.
"Good," I say as stone cold as I can. "Then leave. If you're done with me, leave. Go on, Lee. I told you it's over." I don't wait for his answer because I walk past him, shoving him briefly out of my way to the front door. I scramble for my keys before shoving them into the keyhole to get the door open.
"I'm not going anywhere until we talk seriously!" he yells before I slam the door behind me.
With the silence of the house, I crumble as I let all my emotions get to me. I sit down directly with my back to the front door. I had been pushing myself to be numb but now I can't. Now, I just feel so alone. It's hard. Nobody is ever home and I see Candy only once in a while because she has her own life too. The one person who really attempted to be with me all the time—I pushed him away. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the entire world. It sucks when you're not good enough to suffice for yourself.
Around midnight, maybe one, I yank the covers off of myself and sit up in bed. I've been having trouble sleeping these days, despite my exhausted state during the day time. It's weird. I'm restless and it's like I'm hungry but unable to eat food at the same time.
"Food," I whisper. That always helps. I put on slippers and start making my way downstairs. There's a gentle tapping on the window by the stairs and I almost jump but I realize it's only rain and the wind. I take relief in the music of the rain and head to the living room. The rain will be good for the weather. It's been so humid and hot lately. It's nice to have some solace.
The fireplace in the living room distracts me as it reminds me of a dance I shared not too long ago with a certain boy one winter day. But I cast my eyes away to the top of it, where I turn the dial on an old-school radio my mother bought from an antique store. It's on a station that only has songs from before I was born. There seems to be a weird folk song but I kind of like it.
I dance around a little to the kitchen. Being alone sucks but sometimes in a moment like this, it's not too bad.
The first few nights, I was a bit scared to be alone in the house after dark. Every step, every creak, every noise is magnified when there's nobody else in the house and no other sound. But I'm not scared anymore. Okay, that's a lie. I'm still totally scared. I just turn on music to distract myself and cook and eat just because I'm bored and can't sleep. It works so I let it be.
Today, I have no idea what to cook.
I get a tomato and start chopping it in tiny pieces. I usually do this. I chop and cut things and then randomly toss them together in a pan and maybe throw in pasta or whatever. I just like the part where I feel like a chef by using a knife to chop things really fast.
As the vegetables fry on the stove, I go into the pantry and pull out a bottle of wine. Feels like a perfect date night/morning with myself. Another perk of being alone. I guess it's not all too bad.
There are three raps on the door.
I pause, putting down the wine I was just about to pour into a glass. Quietly, I wander across to the living room. Could it have been a branch or the wind? But there were three distinct knocks. Only a human could do that.
Once again, there are knocks on the door.
Now, I'm scared. Who the hell could be knocking on the door at this time of night? Lee had left earlier. Mark wouldn't. Brent is in Florida. Candy is away for the week on one last vacation with her family. I can't think of anyone else.
I grab an umbrella next to the front door with a sharp end. Could it be Penny? It's rather unlike her to be here so late though. She can tell me her evil plans in the morning. Karen? She hasn't really gone miles to be nice to me. Peter? No, he's in Massachusetts by now.
Slowly, I turn the knob to the front door. Why should I be alarmed? This person can't kill me without getting away. Brent will call tomorrow and Mark would notice. The neighbors would notice. And thanks to technology, I can call the police or attack the person myself. It's the 21st century. I'll be fine. The FBI is smarter now. Should I leave a note for the police to read saying I got murdered in case I go missing?
Stop overreacting, I tell myself. So, I do. Stop, that is.
I swing open the front door before other thoughts lead their way into my head. I raise the closed umbrella just in case.
First, there's a chilly gust of wind. Then, there's the heavy downpour of rain and the droplets that find their way to my bare legs. But what I don't find on the porch is the person who rang the doorbell. I drop the umbrella. My life is beginning to strangely resemble a horror movie.
Due to circumstances, Girl is forced to live alone. Best friend and Boyfriend of Girl are out of the picture. No pets. No one else to witness the murder of Girl by demonic spirit.
I step out on the porch, partly because I'm in disbelief that there's nobody here.
To my surprise, I find something left to me. Shoes? My eyes follow to realize that they're connected to feet which are connected to a body. A body! I turn the outside lights on to get a better sight of whoever this person is. Is he/she dead? Okay, I need to shut up. I scoot closer.
"Lee!" I shout when I realize the tall and awkwardly sat man. It looks like he's fallen. He's breathing hard and he is soaked from head to toe, his hair plastered across his forehead. I have no clue what to do or make any sense of this. "What the fuck?" is the only thing I really can and do say.
He tries to sit up, pressing his back against the house but his movements are slow and weak. Like he's in a haze. "I...I thought you finally quit swearing," he says like I'm smoking instead of spouting out a couple of bad words. His voice is so low I have to bend over to hear him.
"Are you high or something?" I seriously ask. He's a mess. It's like he's all limbs but no brain. His body moves without destination.
"I hope not," he jokingly says and attempts to laugh but a shiver cuts him off.
I crouch down and press a hand to his wet cheek. "Jesus, you're freezing! What the hell are you doing out in the rain, you stupid idiot?"
"Calling me Jesus again, aren't we?" Lee says. His left hand finds mine on his face. I almost jolt from the complete ice block that his hand's temperature resembles. "And I told you...I wasn't going anywhere and I still am not."
My eyebrows press together, confused. "What...?" And then it hits me. His words. I'm not going anywhere until we talk seriously. Did he really just wait outside in the pouring rain on this dark and chilly night to prove a point to me? I rethink that. He's Lee Richardson. Of course, he would.
"You stupid piece of shit!" I reprimand.
"Well, jeez, I know that knocking on your door is a bit cheating but I can't feel my toes," he confesses. His bottom lip and chin tremble once more as he shivers. "I t-tried waiting as much as I could but I'm only h-human."
"Get up and inside. Now!" I command. I place his arm around my shoulders and yank him up. If he dies or something, it'll be on me. Actually, it's his own fault for being so ridiculously dumb! But I can't just not do something though. Screw the rules.
When I get him inside, I throw him on the couch where he curls up into a ball, trying to grab pillows or anything to gain warmth again. I get the fireplace going. Only Lee frickin' Richardson would be the sole reason I use my fireplace in the middle of July. I jog around the house, pulling things from anywhere that could help him. I return with blankets, clothes, towels, and a mug of warm tea.
"Stand," I order. I smack his face a little when he just ignores me and tries to go back to sleep. "Stand," I repeat.
He groans but sluggishly gets up. "What?"
I place my hands on the collar of his now wet suit. I push back the jacket and it falls to the floor. Next, I basically rip off the tie. I have no time or patience to untie one of his knotted mysteries. My hands are like swift machines, unbuttoning each button with ease. I've gotten used to it, I guess. I push back the shirt too and it lands on top of the jacket.
"Hands up." My voice is straightforward and sharp.
Lee raises them, half awake and half wherever.
I peel off the white guinea tee off of him. I could probably fill a bucket if I squeezed out his clothes. It just makes me angrier. My hands angrily move to his belt and this wakes him up.
His hands cover mine. "Ivory."
"Shut the fuck up," I say, staring him dead in the eyes. His blue ones are wide in a way saying 'are-you-kidding' and mine are however, not kidding. "Listen up, young man. If you so much make a peep, I will push you into the damn fireplace where you will burn and die alone. It's either that or you let me do what I want to try to help your idiot ass. Understand, you fucking twat?"
Two blinks later, he quietly nods and his hands slip away.
When his pants are off and I dry off his body as much as I can, I finally say, "That actually felt good."
"Drying me off?" I can hear the damn smirk in his voice as I turn to get the clothes. "Why do you always seem to be getting my clothes off, little Miss Ivory?"
"Shut up, no." I turn back with a shirt. "Hands up." He listens. "I mean swearing at you and being angry. It's been a while since I've been able to verbally abuse someone. Not everyone's a dumb idiot like you."
"I've missed your loud and angry cursing myself," he whispers. "And you."
I can feel this conversation heading to becoming actually serious so I just throw the clothes at him. "Dress yourself, you asswipe. I need to check on the food I was cooking before you singlehandedly did the most stupidest thing I've ever seen. Don't do anything reckless until I'm back." I walk away but turn back in the last second. "Well, I should say more reckless now, shouldn't I?"
After disappearing into the kitchen and making sure I haven't burnt the whole house down, I place some dirty plates into the sink. And then I grab both sides of the sink, look down, and take ten deep breaths. I place my hand over my heart but even after ten long breaths, it's still beating fast and hard like speakers at a concert. Even after around thirty days of not seeing that moron, my heart is still uneasy around him. I can't get too close. Hell, I just undressed him!
"Calm, calm," I repeat in a mantra. My eyes skim over the bottle of wine next to the stove. I grab it hastily and chug a lot of it down. How am I going to get through tonight?
i'm alive! sorry for the relatively short chapter. just wanted to show you guys i'm alive. i've been insanely busy the past few weeks. my exchange student partner person from spain had come and i was too busy showing her around and being a good host! now she's gone & i miss her but now i get to write! i'm on spring break too. i miss the caliente boys tho :( i even taught one how to do a sexy dance...ok jk it was the cotten eyed joe. watevs i got like ten hugs before he left!
but yeah, that's been my april. can't believe it's almost may! ew, exams. time goes by wayyy too fast. i hope u all are having the best day! road trip tomorrow but i have no idea where i wanna go.
question for the swal team (get it swat team) that do read my long babbles: now that you've told me where you're from and a little story, i want to know... tell me one deep & dark or relatively deep and dark secret about yourself! your identity is safe on here and i love being so close to my readers!
thanks for reading everyone and keeping this story in the top ten for teen fiction as always! i know i keep talking about the storm in the upcoming chapters but every time i try to write the really bad and heartbreaking/stormy scene, i chicken out bc i luv my characters and i can't hurt them! not yet anyway.
love you all! xoxo
keep in contact through my twitter: @indiecigars and i love all the artwork! this chapter's for @brokenstarss
p.s i hate the new wattpad! at first i was like "wow cool" and now i'm like "ugh eh"