CATALINA
I wrap the bandage around my finger after accidentally pricking myself with a knife. Ashton would usually do it for me, but this time he didn't seem to care. Not saying he should drop everything to put a bandage on my finger, but it just isn't how he normally reacts. He just looked at me and told me where they are and that was it. Didn't even ask if I needed anything.
We used to be so in love, I feel like. Or at least, he used to be so in love with me. I still love him the way I did when he told me he loved me for the first time and I was so scared he'd stop one day that I didn't want to say it back. I love him how I loved him when I thought I could be a mother while never truly having one of my own. and I love him more than I did when I vowed to love him forever. Why is that not enough?
Now, it just feels like I love someone who only loves me because he has to. He's made it such a big deal for all these years, made me let down every guard I have, and he can't just leave me now.
He can. He can leave me whenever he wants and that's the problem. I've always known it'd be one day.
Why can't I just talk to him then? I mean, I always have in the past and we've worked that way. I just feel like as we've gotten older I started to care more about him not thinking I was insecure and immature and he's started to care less about saying what I want to hear.
"Hey." I say, standing in the doorway Of our bathroom.
"Hi." Ashton says.
I haven't said anything about Melinda and that's how I know I've got an issue. Since when do I not address the things that are bothering me? I'm many many things, but passive has never been one.
How do I say it? I suppose I say it the way I would've 5 years ago: unfiltered, un-sugarcoated, and right to the point. Except those are all reasons why I fear he'd ever cheat on me to begin with. I shouldn't remind him why.
but I've tried the approach where I'm so nice and quiet that he'd feel guilty for what he's done(or didn't do). It didn't work.
I sigh. I can't hold it in and when it comes out I blink in shock. That wasn't very passive of me.
"What's wrong?" He looks at me from where he's sitting on the bed.
He's sitting on the bed, all comfortable with his laptop in his lap. He's there's without a worry while I'm standing in the doorway and he's the one who's ruining our marriage.
I cross my arms as I look at him, almost doing it in a way I never thought I'd look at him before. With a certain irritation that rises into quick anger. Almost a glare. Not quite, but almost.
"What are you doing?"
"I am working." He turns the laptop around to show me.
"That's a little unfair." I scoff quietly. "You're always working. Now, you're home. Be here."
I'm not saying he should spend time with me or I don't know, the bazillion children we have, but that's exactly what I'm saying.
"You say that like I'm not."
"You're not right now."
"because I'm doing something." He furrows his eyebrows. "and I was doing it in peace. Im almost done."
"Excuse me?"
"Im almost done. If I can finish quietly." He repeats.
"I don't know what's gotten into you or who you've gotten in to, but you're being a real asshole all the time."
He sighs and doesn't say anything. Well, he ignores me. Him not saying anything is much different than him ignoring me and that's what he's doing right now.
"Are you cheating on me? I just want to know. Don't lie."
"No." He says simply. Like I can take it or leave it, but either way it won't make much of a difference.
"Okay."
I don't know if I believe him or not. He didn't give me much to work with, but that alone says everything I want to know. So, I know what Im going to do.
******
I don't feel bad as I fold the last of my clothes and sit them in my suitcase. In a childish way, I'm almost thrilled. It's what he wants and it's what he should have.
I don't want to write him a not and tell him I'll be gone. I want to see the look on his arrogant, too busy to care face when I say it. Even if he's not in love with me anymore, the shock is inevitable.
"What are you doing?" I hear Ashton and when I look up, he's the one standing in the doorway.
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
"Okay." He agrees. "Well, where are you going I guess?"
"Away."
"To where? From what?"
"None of your business." I scoff.
I care too much and it's showing. I want to be like him and not care at all. Like him, I want to not care at all because I know the other person is too foolishly in love with me to do anything about how I'm treating them.
"Catalina—"
"Ugh." I roll my eyes. "Well if you must know, I'm leaving you. and since the kids have rooms and a life here, I figured they can stay here with you." I explain.
His eyebrow raises slightly. He's shocked, but I can tell he doesn't know if he should believe me or not. Even if he doesn't, he's still too shocked to say anything.
"You're leaving me?" He asks, tilting his head in confusion slightly. He does it in such a cartoonishly shocked sort of way that it's almost comical.
"That's what I said." I look him directly in his eyes.
"For how long?"
"As long as I need to."
"As in you don't want to be married anymore?"
"Maybe." I shrug.
It's not the truth, of course. Unless that's something he wants too, then I guess we'll make it happen.
He knows that he can't stop me either. So he stands in the doorway, unsure of what to say or do just as I did yesterday. He has to accept the fact that I'm going because that's a choice I've made.
"Why?"
"I don't know. You figure it out."
"Well now you're just being mean."
"Then we have that common."
"I don't want you to go."
"So?" I roll my eyes as I strap my bag onto my suitcase.
He says he doesn't want me to go but he's been acting like my every breath annoys him. I can only believe what I see.
>>>
"You can't just up and leave." Ashton sounds exasperated over the phone. "Where did you even go?!"
"I left!" I scoff back. "If I wanted you to know where I would've left a note."
"What am I supposed to do? I have to work. You know that. I can't just not show up."
"Well how you about you put something that isn't work first!?" I open the fridge at Catarina and Christians place and nothing is here. Ugh. Do they even eat?
"People are dying Catalina. What don't you get?! It's not about me wanting to be there, I have to."
We're arguing. Over the phone. Like we have been for the last two days and the only reason I don't block him is because... well there's two reasons: I like talking to him and if there's an emergency I'd have to be there.
"Well since you're God, you can figure out what to do about the kids!"
"Not the kids, our kids. Babies, actually. Incapable of watching themselves!" He starts to get louder and more irritated.
"Figure it out!" This time I yell at him, saying the words slowly to really get it through his head.
Catarina comes in the kitchen, Christian lagging behind her and I know that they're only here to snoop on me. They keep telling me "because he was being mean" isn't a valid reason to leave my home and my husband, but they'll just never get it. No one will.
"Catalina. Seriously. I have to go in three hours, act like an adult please."
"You be one and figure it out. Like I said."
"I can't!" He shouts at me and I gasp. "That's why I'm calling you. I can't, I tried and I can't."
Christian and Catarina gasps in unison when they hear the way his voice is booming over the phone and I turn to shoo them away.
"Well Ashton I just—"
"You know what, it's fine, Don't worry about it." He sighs the most annoyed sigh I've ever heard as he hangs up right before I can say anything.
During the times we argue the only thing I feel is frustration, but now that it's over I just want to sink down to the floor and cry. More and more I realize that we might be falling apart.
AUGUST
"I can't believe you're doing this." I say to Lily.
"I need every surgeon possible. He can't just.. stop. To do what? Babysit?" She scoffs.
"They're his kids."
"and today they'll be mine and he'll be at work and everyone wins."
"You're a crazy person." I shake my head as I finish cutting the ends off of Alyssa's sandwich.
"I made a list of everything they like and don't like." Ashton paces back and forth rather he knows he's doing it or not.
I've never seen him so on edge. I'd laugh but I've learned that it isn't funny to see other people in distress, so in my head I decide to sympathize with him.
"Alright." Lily has to reach out and take the paper from him because he forgot to give it to her.
"Catalina would lose her mind if she knew you left her kids in my care." I feel like I should let him know.
"Well Catalina isn't here, is she?" He stops walking back and forth to look at me.
"Jesus..." I laugh at how snappy he is. "Okay."
"Just uhm... Eric cries a lot so he needs a lot of attention. and Mahlia is pretty chill, you might not notice she's there, but don't ignore her too much or it'll hurt her feelings. Kali will do her own thing she prefers to be left alone. and Alex is just your average baby so... that's it I think."
"Yeah? Nothing you need to add to this two page list?" She raises an eyebrow.
Ashton sighs and looks at his children and then at the paper. "Uh no. I made a chart for all of them. The list is just anything I might've forgot."
He leaves after giving them all a kiss on the cheek. Twice because he said goodbye two times.
"He's all over the place." I furrow my eyebrows. "Is he on drugs?"
"No." Lily laughs. "Catalina left him."
I gasp. "What? Really? Why?"
"No clue. He says he didn't do anything." Lily shakes her head. "but he has been a little... unlike himself lately. I think it's just the work stress. Short staffed and he's one of the three head surgeons we have so they kinda need him everywhere. People are dying all the time and you see more of it when you've got more patients than usual." She explains.
"Oh..."
"Or hes cheating on her." She adds with a shrug.
"You think so?"
"No, but she said she thought he was. Maybe she found out. I mean... she thought he was cheating with his ex Melinda.." Lily goes into full on gossip mode and starts talking low. "but if you'd known Melinda that's just not the woman you jeopardize your marriage for. He has to be smarter than that."
"Catalina is just difficult though. She'll go back."
"Right?" Lily agrees with a slight scoff. "I mean come on? What'd he do bad enough for— I'm gonna call her and ask."
I laugh at how she's so into the drama.
I never thought I'd see the day where I take Ashton's side on absolutely anything but this time I get it. It's not just easy to call out of work when you've got surgeries to perform and your boss, Lily who I love, is practically boss-zilla. I'm pretty sure she'd try to get him to come to work if he broke his wrist.
"This CANT happen again. I swear if he quits—" but before she can finish, little baby Evans starts wailing and crying in his play seat.
"Awww." Lily frowns and immediately goes to check on him while my first thought is oh god no, I hate when babies cry and interrupt my joy.
It just makes me realize that we're at two completely different places when it comes to babies. She obviously wants one just as bad as she says and it shows. I obviously want one just to make her happy and that shows too.
I just hope that if we do end up having a baby that my lack of sincerity about wanting one doesn't rise up and cause issues.
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IM BACKKKKK hoes